[DuckyChick]

I have BED, and it's intricately tied to my bipolar disorder. At both ends of the mood spectrum, food is like this insidious friend with the worst possible intentions toward me. When I'm up, it's like the friend who goes "WHEE! Let's go eat a whole pizza and then ice cream and then chips and then... etc to celebrate such a great day!" And the depression end it's just like, "Who cares? It doesn't matter what I eat, and food is the only real friend I have. It's the only thing I can count on to make me feel better." And of course, there are the compulsive binges, when there doesn't seem to be a reason, yet all the food is gone, I'm in that zone where I don't even taste the food or know what I'm eating.

But the last couple of days have been different. I've been caught in a depressive spiral, yes, but the bingeing has been less to make me feel better, less a "it doesn't matter anyway," and more of a SCREW EVERYTHING, I'm so sick of eating well like a good girl, I'm going to eat whatever the **** I want and not feel guilty or anything else. I'm defiant toward my depression, toward all this hard word I've been doing to make myself healthy, physically and psychologically. I don't know who I'm defying, but I feel like I'm snarling, "See this pizza? I'm going to eat THE WHOLE THING. It's not the home made, organic pizza I usually make myself eat, it's full fat, dripping with slime and cheese and loaded with pepperoni, SO THERE!"

I don't know what's happening to me, but once the food and the defiance is gone, I just cry. Not even about the food, because I made that conscious choice, but just... crying. It's ironic that this is happening today, because I just saw my therapist last night, so you guys get the brunt. I don't know, how do you feel about your bingeing behavior, and do you ever feel like you do it as an act of control or defiance?

[Gracie789]

Aside from the bipolar disorder, I could have written your post. I've been actively dealing with my eating issues for the past year and it's been a roller-coaster, but the slips are fewer and haven't been so bad. I'm was an emotional eater to begin with and binging did not help the situation (hence me weighing 300+ lbs). I always *wanted* to lose weight, but my attempts usually lasted at most a few hours before I quit and started eating whatever again. For me, my weight was (and still is) my safety blanket and my scapegoat. Everything wrong in my life could be blamed on my weight ("If I wasn't so fat..."). Now that I've lost so much weight, whenever I reach a new milestone (e.g. onderland, 180s) I have the urge to eat anything and everything. So in terms of defiance, these days when I want to binge its usually to say "screw you weight loss" and if I'm defying anything, it's most definitely myself and my fear of success.

I think it's great that you realize the problem and are actively trying to figure it out. This is sort of lame advice (and much easier said than done) but you need to figure out what is triggering your binging and what exactly you're defying. From the little bit you've written it sounds like maybe you're like me and are holding onto your weight for security...again I don't know you so I'm probably completely off base. And just remember you're not alone in dealing with these issues, this is a great community for support! Stay strong and you'll figure it out!!!!

[Thighs Be Gone]

Gracie, first off--I must say it--Congrats on your huge success! Way to do it!

Secondly, I would like to comment on your second paragraph. I think it's spot on to figure out what is triggering the binges. I really stop and try to ask myself, "what am I REALLY hungry for?" I know the food will not help. It hasn't helped in the past. Not even once. In fact it left me feeling stripped of any power, any control and of course--bigger than before. Ducky Chic, it sounds to me like you have also reached the point of knowing the food is going to make things worse for you--physically and mentally. So ask yourself the question--"What am I REALLY hungry for?" Is it acceptance? Is it validity? Is it just a break? Is it a clean house? What is aggravating you? What dream do you have that you aren't achieving? Start asking those questions! I definitely DO think the answers are important!

[Lizzie2010]

I can't honestly say that I've felt that way about a binge, my binges are usually accompanied by comforting, reassuring, "Don't worry, you can start over again tomorrow. Just eat this!" But I'm sorry you're going through it, I'm sure you'll figure out what's going on and get to the heart of the problem. =)