[blondebritbrat17]

I just got back from a horrible night out with my mom and her boyfriend. He is great to my mom for the most part as far as I can see but can at times be really rude and inconsiderate. He is also not understanding when it comes to problems with communication with me being deaf which is what finally set me off tonight since I have tolerated it for 4 years since they have been together. And I feel that my mom should have sat him down long ago and educated him a bit about me being deaf and I have told her so and she has not done it still for whatever reason I don't know. What happened: was that My mom asked him to pull over since we were driving to get some cheesecake and to stop moving the car so she could turn around and start signing to me to tell me what was going on and how we were going to do the cheesecake order since she wanted to ask me if I wanted to go inside the Cheesecake Factory and eat it there or take it to go and eat it all at their house together. He repeatedly would start slowly moving the car and every time he did so it would lurch my mom and she would fall backwards into the dashboard since she was in the front seat. She asked him THREE TIMES to PLEASE stop doing that so she could continue to update me on everything that had been said through sign language. She also has a very bad back and that could injure her. My mom finally put the car in park for him while he had his foot on the gas pedal which can RUIN the transmission. He then lost it and started screaming/cursing at her about that. I held my tongue as we got out of the vehicle to go inside then my mom and I just decided that I was too upset about what happened since I view that as very disrespectful what he did as far as not complying to our requests to stop the car until she was finished signing. PLUS he did not need to curse at her like that. So on the way back to the car he started griping to my husband about why I was upset and that just set me off since that WAS SOO RUDE of him to gripe to my husband about me and I just started yelling. I KNOW my mom should not have done that and I did tell him that I supported him being upset about that since doing that can really ruin the engine. I did NOT curse but then he just interrupted me before I could even finish and explain why I was saying he was being disrespectful to me with my hearing loss ( he has done other things "jokingly" while my mom is signing to me that is also rude and interrupts us and this was not the first thing that has happened) and by the time I was trying to explain why I was saying that- I was starting to calm down and he just lit into me going on and on about how the transmission is expensive and how he didn't give a sh** or a d**n about how I felt and why I was upset and me being deaf had nothing to do with it. He was still all focused on the precious transmission. And he said a lot of other things with a whole bunch of curse words in it. Anyways that was a real quiet drive home to say the least since I was in shock at how he had cursed at me especially when I said " I understand why you are upset about mom putting the vehicle in park like that since that can ruin the engine".. I was on HIS side about that and that is the first time I have ever even done that taken his side on something. Usually I just stay out of it and just listen and keep my mouth shut. Maybe I should just continue to do that. I just got off the phone and my mother I guess is in a tough spot now. I feel badly for that now but how else could I have handled that better? I already apologized to him for yelling at him and to my mom but I have yet to receive a response from him. Am I wrong in thinking that what he did was wrong especially cursing at me when I did not do that to him and I should receive an apology too? Since I did say that to my mom on the phone very respectfully and my mother just made all these excuses for him as to why he has not apologized. Plus my mom kept harping on the fact she did not hear him griping to my husband about me and "what the **** is her problem?" and blah blah blah and it's almost like she doesn't believe me and wants my husband to call her and verify what I am saying! Then she also kept going on and on about how I started yelling FIRST. It was like she really didn't even accept my apology. So I'm not sure how I could have handled this all better. Her boyfriend also drinks and everyone has commented on how he is very different when he has had a couple of drinks in him. It's hard to explain he just becomes different, not violent as far as I know but just different. I do think he had a drink or a couple of drinks tonight since my husband saw him doing it outside while my mom was getting ready in the bathroom before we went to the restaurant but I don't know if I should tell my mom that too since she is insisting what happened tonight is not a result of him having a "couple of beers in him". What I have noticed recently he is very vague about how much he drinks when he is asked so I do think he is hiding it to some degree. So I'm just not sure if I just don't need to socialize with him. But then that means I won't see my mom since she is not wanting to speak up. What should I do? And any tips on how to better handle that sort of thing would be greatly appreciated. I know I was wrong to start yelling and I have emphasized that to them and it doesn't seem to have been absorbed since " I started yelling FIRST" keeps being said.

[shelby897]

Personally, I would give everyone a day or two to cool down. You apologized to everyone involved -- you are done. I would doubt he will be apologizing so you can either move on (because you can wait forever for it) or distance yourself -- but as you said it would also distance you from your mom.

She picked him -- you don't have to like him but you do have to respect her choice (unless he is causing her harm emotionally or physically). But, she is an adult and apparently, unless she has told you otherwise, he is her choice -- for better or worse.

I'm glad you have your husband to support you -- your mother is not "taking sides" but I'm sure it is easier for her to agree with him -- as she probably lives with him.

I say be the better person -- you don't have to forgot the incident, just move past it.

[scaryshari]

What a rotten thing to have to endure! It is too bad your mom's boyfriend is not supportive of her relationship with you and interested in forming his own attachments - especially after 4 years.

Unfortunately, we can't always chose our relatives (or near relatives), but we can take steps to avoid collisions as much as possible.

Your mom sounds like a lovely woman, and it seems you both have a good relationship. You may have to meet with your mom without her boyfriend - i.e. while he is working, make "dates" with just your mom ... and so on.

I too am partially deaf - I know how trying it can be when someone knows this, yet is not sensitive to my needs to read their lips, or purposely mumbles or hides their lips.

This new boyfriend is obviously not interested in being a "father" to you, and will most likely not change - just concentrate on your mother. Maybe she'll let him go and find a man that is worthy of her.

Shari

[blondebritbrat17]

I figured as much that I need to give them some time and that I might not ever get an apology from him. I will be very disappointed if I don't get one since I thought he was a much better/bigger person than that and I DO like him very much when he's not been drinking. I'm also really hurt by how my mom kept harping on those certain things even after I apologized twice on the phone. My husband is not happy either with them since he was very proud of me that I didn't curse or REALLY lose it once he started cursing at me. So we're unsure of what to do since it's like they didn't accept my apology and I did ask if we could move on and no reply. So I don't know.

[blondebritbrat17]

ScaryShari-Yes that is ONE of the things that he does, is purposely covers his mouth when I am trying to lip read him to "test" how good my hearing is. That is what he will say while laughing. He thinks it is all a big joke and super funny. I'm not sure why he keeps doing it too is what aggravates me since I have told him that I don't find that funny very calmly. I think I have been very nice/MATURE so far if I haven't blown my top over that since that is something that is really so RUDE.