[traveling michele]

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar and how they have dealt with it.

My mom was always painfully thin (she looked anorexic but ate all the time!)-- She was 5'7" and fluctuated between 95-105 pounds. I, of course, couldn't have inherited those genes, but was instead built like my dad! My mom was not a caring, nurturing person, and she constantly told me I was fat, which I blame somewhat for my weight issues. I remember being in high school and weighing around 125 and being told how fat I was. My mom and I finally became friends after I had children and she became a great grandmother. However, she still constantly made snide comments about my weight and my looks. My mom died in 2000 and never saw me thin. She also didn't see me get my college degree which she wanted me to attain so badly. I am very proud that I've now done both of those things, but I wish so badly she could see me. I am an only child and my father died 6 months ago, so I really have no family (aside from my immediate family) that can see my transformation.

It just makes me sad. I hope that she knows I am finally thinner but it shouldn't matter so much to me.....

[BlueToBlue]

I'm sorry that your mom died and that you didn't get to resolve these issues with her before she did. These things do matter. The fact that my mom died and that I didn't get to share any of my adult life with her is probably the single most important influence on who I am as a person.

My mom died during my first year of college so there's a lot of things I wish she could know about me. She never saw me graduate from college (in three years, which was her dream for me--she would have been so proud), she never saw my career take off, she never saw the book I wrote. My sister is younger than me, so my mom never even saw her go to prom, graduate from high school, graduate from college, get married, have kids...the list of things my mom never got to see that both my sister and I wish we could have shared with her just goes on and on.

But, at the same time, if my mom had lived, my life would have been completely different. It's ironic, but I probably wouldn't have graduated college in three years, I wouldn't have moved to California, I wouldn't have the career that I have (or even have written a book). Although not a day goes by that I don't feel the hole she left in my life, I also know that her death made me stronger and that she continues to shape who I am as a person even today. I also know that when she died, she did so knowing that she had raised us as best she could and that she knew we would succeed without her, even if she didn't get to see that success.

I think that both my sister and I desperately wish our mom could see how we turned out but I don't really have an tips on how to deal with it. I've always felt like I didn't have a choice. She died and my life goes on. I can't change the fact that she died so there's nothing I can do but continue to live my life the best way I know how without her. In situations where I feel unbearable emotional pain, I always just tell myself that keep breathing and eventually time will pass and I'll get to a point where it is bearable. I like that, 20 years after my mom's death, I continue to grieve for her because it does make her a force in my life. I want to always feel the pain that I feel about her death and I don't want to ever feel like my life is complete without her. I try to look at these disappointments as a blessing because they remind me of how important she was to me and they make her a continual presence in my life. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense.

[3Beans]

I can relate to this very well. My father was always worried about me when I was obese. He tried not to be judgmental and it worked most of the time, but we did have to have a couple of serious talks about his attitude toward my body. Primarily, though, he was concerned that I'd have trouble with romantic relationships. (And I truly did, although now I'm in an LTR that I plan to be in for life!) His sister has been morbidly obese all her almost 70 years and has never been in any romantic relationship that any of us know of, I believe he thought that I would also be perpetually single, which may have worked for my aunt but wasn't something I was shooting for.

I had lost some weight by the time my dad was diagnosed with leukemia, and gained some back during the course of his illness. So he'll never see me reach a healthy weight and that has crossed my mind. Fortunately, though, he did get to know my partner, who was by my side at the time of Dad's death. I think that's more important.

Like Barbara said though, the people we love who died stay with us as long as we remember them and allow them to continue impacting our lives. I'm doing this for me, but knowing that he would have supported this goal is incentive even though he's gone. I still have 'counsel' with him for all my big decisions - in other words, I consider what his feedback would likely have been.

Your situation sounds different in that it sounds like your relationship with your mom was difficult, particularly around body issues? In that case, I can understand the frustration of not being able to show her that you 'won'. Well, that's a more negative kind of thing, and I think you may just have to forgive her for the pain she caused you and make peace with yourself. I'm sure that's easier said than done.

Meanwhile, recognize all your amazing accomplishments and where they can take you in life! You've achieved a lot and have your life to live.

[tommy]

2 great posts above and I agree with everything. I was 26 when my mom died and she never got to see me in an acceptable relationship, or to be a grandma, plus of course the whole weight thing. Since she had issues (was slender but admitted to using diuretics as a young woman, did the whole Metrecal thing- like Slimfast, for years) - I think she mostly wanted me to be "o.k." I did write her a letter and went to her grave and read it and talked to her. Sounds hokey, but it really worked for me. Some stuff you just have to get out. I also try to honor the good parts of our relationship in terms of telling my child about them since he never knew her.