Every day for me seems to be a constant battle with food. Food has always been an emotional crutch with me (something I learned from watching my mother do the same exact thing). Something great happens, let's get take out to celebrate! I'm depressed, gonna go eat something inherently bad for me. I'm just plain bored... gotta find something to munch on. I make excuses for everything I eat, and even though I know I shouldn't be eating whatever I can justify it to myself. I don't really binge... I just eat too much throughout the day, none of it healthy. And every time I start to take control something happens and I slip up and after one slip it just seems so much easier to make another mistake and then you don't really remember what you were trying to work for in the first place. UGH.
You wrote:
"And every time I start to take control something happens and I slip up"
Yep- me too. That's why I work really hard at not taking control-- I don't do well at it. Instead, OA has taught me to give the control to my higher power. If I could do it, I would have by now. I can't, but my higher power can.
You took the words from my mouth. today I am having an especially big day of beating myself up for NOT being stronger about the food choices I make. I eat mindlessly through the day and ALWAYS make excuses for my binges or bad food decisions (like eating a grande quesadilla, mexican pizza, AND taco from taco bell all in one sitting). every day is constantly a WAR with myself and whatever it is desiring the food in me!! ughhh i hear you, girl.
when will it ever be easy?????
You wrote:
"And every time I start to take control something happens and I slip up"
Yep- me too. That's why I work really hard at not taking control-- I don't do well at it. Instead, OA has taught me to give the control to my higher power. If I could do it, I would have by now. I can't, but my higher power can.
I agree with that. The only time I ever found peace was when I surrendered. It was such a hard thing to do, I'd tried 'white-knuckling' it, but in the end I had to admit that I was powerless. In a way, its nice to have all that taken from my shoulders.
i agree with marny and odaat about doing better when NOT trying to take control... but like you, i struggle with that. even if i "surrender" and have a great day, suddenly i seem to get cocky and think i'm getting control back, and then i'll lose it again. sounds like we've both got to let go... good luck to you.
"even if i "surrender" and have a great day, suddenly i seem to get cocky and think i'm getting control back,"
Yep. I surrender every morning. I surrendered yesterday-- but that was yesterday. Today is a new day. Today I surrender again, sometimes more than once. Every morning I turn over my day, my will, my life, my food, and my abstinence to God's care. I want Him in charge-- not me.
OA gives us a DAILY reprieve from our disease of compulsive overeating. We don't surrender once and then have freedom forever. We live one day at a time. We recover one day at a time. We face one day at a time. We surrender one day at a time. And we have freedom for only one day at a time.
And while all this surrender was strange to me at first, today, like Marny says, I keep the focus on this day and this day only. And you know, that liberates me. Means I don’t have to keep wrecking my own head with worry about the future.
Who knows what I might do tomorrow. But today, with God’s help, I’ll eat in a way that brings me spiritual peace – just enough for today.
And one-day-at-a-time helps me when I’m gripped by cravings – in a very powerful way. When the food is calling to me, when I’m having a tough day, sometimes all I can do to resist the craving – HUGE in me – is to say – well, I’ll pass on that for now, I just might allow myself have it later or tomorrow!! That works for me.
absolutely right... i need to accept that i don't and WON'T have control.
many thanks to marny, by the way, for your insights here and on my frettings about going to meetings and finding a sponsor - i really appreciate all of your input.
Someone has a quote on her signature that says "Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Maintaining weight is hard. Choose your hard." Ok, or something like that. I thought of that when I saw your post and that question. For some of us it will never be easy, we just have to choose our hard. I think about that phrase a lot. Kudos to whoever it is that has it on her signature. I apply it to relationships too, because I struggle so much in that area of my life as well.
I know it's never easy for most of us. But I have friends and family members who can eat whatever they want, in whatever portions they feel like and never gain a pound. Or if they do... they gain 5 and I gain 50. Yeah, life's not fair and they're still killing themselves on the inside. But grrrr why can't I have metabolism like that!
I think all of us in OA can relate to those feelings. Kind of like the saying, "Sick and tired of being sick and tired."
It's important that I stick to the boundaries I've set up in my food plan and with my sponsor. When I start letting my food get "slippery" outside of planned eating times is when I get into trouble. This is when I need to be using OA tools to help get over the hump of wanting to binge. I notice the more I practice this the easier it gets. But oh how easy it is to go back being slippery when I am mindless and "cocky" with my food.
I'm getting to the point where I can see why people in OA have said they are grateful for the addiction of food. That used to make me crazy to hear that! Now I can see that learning to surrender and do the spiritual work is such a gift that all came from struggling with food. Who wouldda known that good things could come from the craziness I've been through with food in my life?
In working on ourselves to "get over" food, we get to examine and improve the areas in our lives that cause us pain and to want to eat. For me, I now strive to work towards being a better person, mother, wife and learning to be less judgmental and worry about my "own side of the street" more. This makes me feel emotionally satisfied and want to eat less. Believe me, I have my days when it's hard and the feelings that I used to eat over feel like more than I can bear to handle but if I eat on top of them, I'm much worse off than I was just feeling those feelings.
Other people will have their "hard" things they struggle with. Maybe not food but everyone has their struggles and lessons to learn. Ours just happens to be food. Yes sometimes it sucks but it's worth it!
Ugh
