I don't usually start a new thread - I tend to prefer to latch onto others - - but things are changing in my household, and I wondered if anyone else has had this experience.
I have posted a few very honest posts on here, so some of you will know that my husband hates 'FAT' women, and things have been up and down for us, much like my weight. Those of you who know me from the Depression threads know that I am on excellent medication now that is working for me, and I give it credit for 90% of my willpower on this weight loss journey. I am still dealing with self-esteem issues, family issues and how I see myself.
That being said, as I have started losing this weight on my lifestyle change, with such a different point of view than any other 'diet' I have tried before, I am growing stronger as a person. When I was slim, I was pretty, but not very smart. As the weight piled on, I went back to University and completed a Master's Degree and a PhD. So, for a while there, I felt smart, but not very 'pretty'.
I am now ready to be both. And I am working on it, and having a great time, and not finding it a struggle (I am so sorry to have to say that, to those of you who ARE struggling ) - and guess what?
ALL WE DO IS FIGHT.
That's the truth. I know it is me that is changing - I don't want my husband to 'poke fun' anymore ["Oh, for God's sake, Heather - it was a JOKE! Don't be so oversensitive!"] because frankly, oversensitive or not, if it is vaguely insulting, it just isn't funny, IMHO. A stupid example of this was yesterday, when I showed him a jacket I picked up second hand, and I said "It's still a little too big for me - no, not too big - the other one..." meaning 'too small', and he piped up: "Too nice?" Geez. Too NICE for me? Thanks VERY much.
As I start to like this person inside me again - and it has been a LOOOOOONG time, believe me! - I want to protect her, to let her look out for herself, and I want her to be treated more than just 'okay' - I want her to be loved, and cherished and feel special. But if I 'criticize' him for his actions, he reminds me that HE hasn't changed, that it's me. And that is absolutely true.
I know this is long, but I just wondered if anyone else had found that in losing weight, their relationships changed - I guess I mean 'suffered'.
I don't want to go back now to being that unhappy girl - but when faced with the difficulties my changes are causing, it makes me stop and reflect: is THIS why I could never stick with a diet? Is this why I slipped - EVERY TIME - back into the patterns that I am used to?
Not this time. Horrible as it sounds, I would rather be fit and slim, and strong and proud of myself - and ALONE - than spend another ten years as unhappy as I have been.
You have ALWAYS been BOTH smart and pretty. ALWAYS!!!! You don't go from being "not very smart" to a PhD. You have always had both and you still do.
You do deserve to be loved and cherished!!
If loving yourself means that you have changed too much for him, then I suspect it was not a very healthy relationship anyway. He should be your biggest cheerleader and support!
If you are not already hooked into a good counselor, please consider it. No one deserves to be picked on that way by their partner. He can either grow or change with you, or he can't, but that is HIM and HIS problem and personality. Making healthy changes for YOU is a good thing, and if he cannot support that, then perhaps he is not good for your health.
Ouch! That's a tough one. I do understand what you are saying, though. I think that for so long you may have felt really down on yourself, so you allowed the stupid comments from him. Maybe thinking that you weren't good enough to be treated better. Now you are changing and understanding that you ARE a great person and you deserve to be treated with respect. He may think it is all in fun, but he needs to learn that it is hurtful, annoying, and just plain stupid.
I would suggest getting into counseling, if he'll go. Sometimes if it comes from a third party, he might listen to constructive criticism and realize that HE also needs to change, along with your changes.
He sounds extremily insecure. I would have a heart to heart, explain that his comments, joke or not, are unacceptable...PERIOD. The deal is, you dont insult him, he is not to insult you. That is not what people who love and RESPECT each other do. Sounds like he doesnt respect himself and he doesnt want you to respect yourself either. That is HIS problem, not yours.
Give counselling a try, if he will, like others have mentioned. If he cant see the light and is not willing to change. Dont let the door hit him in the as* on his way out of your life. You deserve better, and as you lose the weight and gain confidence, you are realizing you deserve better. Slim, fat, black, white, or green...you deserve better.
Its too bad he has put you in this situation. But dont let him drag you down anymore. He can shape up or ship out.
(sorry if i seem harsh, men treating woman like gum on their shoes hits a nerve with me)
My DH has been great with the weight loss thing and no issues. But it sounds like to me you are changing some. But maybe its because you are finally realizing..you are a smart and BEAUTIFUL person. And maybe you are finally fed up with all the crap. I would have you look back on your relationship and see if this has always been there...and maybe you "put up" with it since you didn't know any better (weather it was because you were "dumb" or insecure..btw don't believe you were dumb). So you have grown and grown up to realize you are great and something worth wild. Now maybe you are tired of being talked down to. So have you changed..probably...but for the better. You are finally able to Stand up for yourself and not take the crap like you use to.
There are times in life where people change...usually for the better...and they realize that what they accepted previously is no longer what they want. Maybe that's what's happening here. Maybe you've been stoic about DH teasing for years and just are tired of it. I suggest you talk to him and see if you can "work it out". At least give him the benefit of the doubt. And if it doesn't work...then you know. You shouldn't put up with crap from anyone...least of all DH. You should have ppl in your life that are supportive and helpful and embrace your changes. And if you find that DH is not meeting this role and you have done everything possible to help your marriage...then maybe you are right...maybe it is time to move on. I'm like you..i would rather be healthy and thinner...and ALONE. Then be fat and miserable. Good luck and i wish you all the best. Who knows..maybe if you sit DH down and have a good heart felt talk...things can work themselves out.
Hi there, I am so sorry that you are going through this. But he is telling you that you are changing and you are, but he is probably more worried that you will out grow him. Men are funny creatures. You should sit down and have a heart to heart, and if that does not work then like some of the others have said maybe counselling is a good idea. But remember you have to love yourself first.
I think you need to lay down the law on this one. You are absolutely better off alone than with a man who constantly tries to undermine you and your confidence. No one deserves to be treated the way you describe your husband treating you. If he speaks to you like this, it's no wonder you let yourself gain so much weight--he is reinforcing all your worst thoughts about yourself. You need to value yourself, but he needs to value you too.
I would suggest having a very frank discussion with him, as per Get n Healthy's suggestion. You need to make it clear to him that you won't tolerate being dismissed, belittled or disrespected and longer. He shouldn't have been doing it before you decided to lose weight and my guess is that the change is that as you grow more confident with yourself, the less acceptable you will find his behavior. It's too bad for him if he has always treated you like crap--you don't deserve (and have never deserved) to be treated that way and he has to change if he wants to keep you. (It is not something he should be proud of, either.) It's that simple (and that complicated). But you have to enforce it by REFUSING to be insulted or belittled and by making clear to him that from now on, you aren't putting up with it. Because your self-esteem has been low, you have allowed him to treat you dismissively. You need to withdraw your permission. Treating your partner with the respect due to them as a human being is the BARE MINIMUM for a relationship. No one, no matter how fat or how stupid deserves any less.
Can I also suggest that you need to stop allowing other people to define who you are, or were. You have allowed other people to tell you that you weren't smart when you were pretty, and that when you were smart, you were no longer pretty. These kinds of binaries are very unhelpful and I think you should do your best to leave them behind--even when you think about your own past. Find a new language for yourself! Obviously you've always been smart--you don't just wake up one day smart enough to get a PhD--and you've probably always been pretty, too.
It sounds as though your self-esteem is steadily improving (yay!) and with self-esteem, I hope, will come the strength and the power to insist that other people treat you with the respect and dignity you have ALWAYS deserved.
Try having a frank discussion with your husband, try counselling. But in the end, you have to be willing to value yourself and your happiness over anyone else or even your marriage.
Good luck!
Last edited by baffled111; 05-19-2007 at 02:25 PM.
I just want to point out that it does not sound horrible at all. Slim and strong -- or weak and gigantically, impossibly, circus freak fat -- it is normal and healthy to prefer to be alone rather than to be unhappy with someone who is inconsiderate and mistreats you.
I didn't marry until I was 36 for that very reason. Until I was 35, I had never met any men interested in me who weren't "creepy" either because they only wanted me because I was fat, and/or made it VERY clear that they were doing me a great favor by even talking to me in public.
I don't know if there were signs when you met, that your husband was insensitive or whether you thought he would change, or that because it was pointed at others you didn't realize he would turn it on you at some point. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say, so it doesn't really matter, but if you do findit necessary to leave him at some point, it might be worth thinking about when it comes time to date again.
As the others have said, if he is willing to go to counseling and work on his behavior, and actually does make changes and not just pay lip service, then there might be hope for him and your relationship, but please, under no circumstances that you ever deserve that kind of treatment.
I know this is long, but I just wondered if anyone else had found that in losing weight, their relationships changed - I guess I mean 'suffered'.
It's sad to see you put this in such a negative light, because from where I'm sitting, it sounds as if you're finally understanding that you have the right to be respected. That's a wonderful thing. Please, don't pin this on yourself!
And I think he's right: he hasn't changed, you have. And you're changing for the better (in terms of realizing your own self-worth, of course -- I have no doubt that you were always beautiful and smart, but just didn't realize it), which might mean you're leaving him in the dust. You've realized that you deserve respect; it's up to him to catch up and realize the same thing. Waking him up to this could take a frank discussion, or counselling, or even you leaving. It's impossible to say. That said, obviously something has to wake him up.
Whatever you do, please don't ignore it and hope it will go away; the longer stuff like this goes on, the harder it is to repair. It won't be easy to fight for your right to respect, but look how much you've accomplished for yourself already -- this will be just one more step on the road to your own happiness!
I'm sure this echoes everything you've already thought, anyway (your message was pretty clear), but I just wanted to show my support.
I don't know if the link will stay or not, but you might want to read about verbal abuse, especially if your husband's 'joking' technique isn't a new thing. Here's a site that lists some signs of verbal abuse:
I hope that this is something new, and your husband is just a bit insecure about your weight loss, but even if it is, it needs to be nipped in the bud.
Maybe it's just a period of adaptation for both of us, and things will go better after a few weeks or a couple of months, but yeah... If this goes on, please be carefvul. It seems to me that "you are the one who has changed" sounds here like it's something bad, when in fact it should clearly be "you have changed for the BEST". I mean, seriously, HOW can feeling smart AND beautiful, AND stand for oneself, be a *bad* change? How can it warrant criticism and blame? It's only a bad change in the eyes of those who want to keep the upper hand on you. We only have one life, and it's ours to live to the fullest, not to spend it being belittled by other people.
(I know this is harsh, but somehow, I think lots of people--more than we think, at least--like the sensation that overweight people = doormats. After all, so many of us tend to put others' needs before our own, so when we start doing it the other way and say "cut me some slack, I'm going to take time to exercise because *I* NEED it", they sort of feel threatened or annoyed by the 'sudden lack of attention'. And it goes for many other things, of course, not only that.)
In any case, here's a big {{{hug}}} for you, because it's a tough situation anyway.
I am going to try not to 'look' for his negativity, and I think I will go back to my counselor about this.
I get the general feeling that no one else has really had this happen in their relationship, and that makes me sad - happy for you! - but sad that this is so wrong.
It bears a lot of thought.
Thank you all so much.
Heather
PS - Rainy - thanks for the link - even though it shocked me to my core. Maybe I have a whole other issue to deal with that I just didn't know. Not to sound like a 'sob story', but I'm starting to wonder if, having grown up with abusive and neglectful parents who 'love' me so much, I don't really know, even at my age, what a 'healthy' relationship ought to look and feel like. I will approach my counselor with this one.
Why Is Change Sometimes a VERY BAD Thing?
- but things are changing in my household, and I wondered if anyone else has had this experience.
) - and guess what?
