I've decided tomorrow I am moving forward. I have been binging on-and-off all year and it has made me feel so horrible. I have tried so many times this year to control my binging and to lose weight but I sabotage myself every time. I realize I have literally told myself every week for the past 10 or so months that I will make progress THIS WEEK... but I simply cannot afford to waste any more time. I am not going to overanalyze my progress and make a weight loss shedule as I usually do because I now know that just sets me up for disaster. I am also going to try to eliminate as much sugar as possible from my food choices because even the smallest amount brings out the binge monster and I completely lose self control. I am going to try and focus on eating lots of whole foods and avoiding refined products. I also am trying to get past the belief that I should look like I did when I was 15. In Gr. 8 I went from a 134 (I thought I was so big!) to a 117 so easily. It really was so simple... one day I just decided I am no longer going to eat anything unhealthy. I mainly used fat content as my determining factor... which I now know is not entirely correct. I started exercising a lot and I never thought twice about eating ice cream, cake, cookies etc because I loved how I looked. I was in excellent shape and felt great. As much as I love that vision of myself I am definately no longer that girl. I need to accept the fact that I allowed myself to gain about 40 pounds and take action to lose those pounds. I maintained at 120-125 for about 2 years and progressively gained another 20 over the next 3 years. It wast until this year that I managed to pile on 20 pounds in the matter of months. I developed bulimia last year. While I was not a severe case it really skewed my view of food and it is definately not something I am proud of. I think it scared me because I fell victim to something you do not hear spoken of usually and it really is a secret disorder so I felt like I had a double life that noone else knew about. It was really hard to understand why I would lose all control towards food and the immense guilt that set in. It has been really helpful to me reading about others experiences and the challenges they faced. I eventually decided that I would rather gain weight from binging than purge so I guess you could say I became a compulsive eater instead. I no longer purge I just eat and eat and eat. So naturally I have gained a lot of weight. Today I was home alone all day and ate all day and I feel horrible. Well that has happened several times this week. I turned to emotional eating so much this past year that now it a really hard habit to break. I really want to be successful in my weightloss because I know I have a lot of potential and my weight is holding me back. I am young and I have a lot of ideas and plans and things I want to do within the next few years so I want to shape up and take control of my eating and life again.
Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut so I am viewing it as a symbolic changing of my life. My hair is actually really long and I'm planning on cutting it just above the shoulders so this is a big step for me. I really wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love but since it is bleached they will not accept it unfortunately. I have about 3 months until my birthday and a trip with friends so I want to put all of my effort into losing a significant portion of the weight I have to lose before then. I have made a list of everything I want to accomplish regarding school, work, travelling, etc for the next two years so I am using this as motivation to work hard and become the person I want to be.
I really cannot continue on this road of misery and binge eating and I need to take action before my weight spirals completely out of control. I am trying to view my past history of eating disorders as something to grow from and a source of strength. It is just one of life's challenges that I need to overcome and move past. I am going to take action. I intend this post to serve as a commitement to myself and my happiness and I will follow through!
Starting Over ... For the last time!
