I've been on the most horrible eating frenzy for the past few weeks and I'm seriously scared.
I can't believe how much I am capable of eating - eating absolute junk to the point of physical pain, to the point where I make myself throw up yet I'm still up for gorging the next day. I've always had the tendancy to compulsively overeat but my binges were normally confined to one main overindulgence and normal meals.
In the past few weeks, I've been able to knock down two large fast food meals, half a tub of ice-cream, several hundred grams of chocolate, pizza, family sized bags of chips, several servings of peanut butter toast and god knows what else... ALL within half a day!!! That's enough food for half a week! Doing that daily!! It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I've regained most of what took me weeks to lose, my double chin is reappearing and my old skinny jeans are getting tight. And the longer I've left it, the harder it has been to get back on track.
It f*cking terrifies me how easily and quickly I've been able to replace almost half a year of good habits. I see some women here posting how after a while, the taste of their old food habits made them sick, but evidently that's not the case here. It really seriously scares me to think that I'm pushing completely new levels of greediness... I think, well, if I can eat all that now, what will I be like if I keep this up? I could double my weight (which is already too high!) in a matter of months!
I've completely lost my old determined mindset and any discipline I had, I just wish it never happened but obviously I can't change that... I just wanna cry... I want to get back in control but it doesn't seem like I want it badly enough if I KNOW deep down how far out of control I've been spiralling and yet I'm still making the choice to stuff myself with crap.
God, it's so humiliating to write this but every word is true...
I've completely lost my old determined mindset and any discipline I had, I just wish it never happened but obviously I can't change that... I just wanna cry... I want to get back in control but it doesn't seem like I want it badly enough if I KNOW deep down how far out of control I've been spiralling and yet I'm still making the choice to stuff myself with crap.
Can I just say that I am at the EXACT SAME point as you right now. I feel completely lost and out of control, yet I can remember a time just a couple months ago when I was eating impeccably--I would eat ONLY what I'd planned, and would only plan healthy foods! I would go so far as to order meals I didn't even like if out at a restaurant with friends just so I know I wouldn't eat it, then just bring it home for my fiance. I was losing weight, I was exercising almost every day, and I was being SO great to my mind and body.
But it's been like a complete 180 since that time. These past few weeks have been filled with hidden binges, secret fast food drive thrus, all kinds of horrific eating choices. And the worst part is: I don't know why. I don't know what happened in my life or in my head that made me drop the ball (and then go tumbling down the hill after it) and just seemingly give it all up and throw all my hard work out the window. I eat to the point of physical pain, and yet, like you mentioned, I'm ready to do it again the next day.
I guess the short of it is, I don't have an answer. It really is a mental battle, and hopefully we can both figure out what's going on inside those craniums of ours. My life is pretty happy, so I am not sure about anything, but I'm focusing on my eating today (yup, I just started really REALLY trying again today), and I can figure out the rest as I go along. One thing I really have to remember is that if I slip and have a cookie (or even 10 or 20...), that does NOT mean it's okay to throw the entire day out the window. It does NOT mean I can try again tomorrow--rather, it means I have to try again RIGHT NOW.
I've actually scared myself right into a doctor's appointment. I'm going in for a physical on May 10th and will have blood drawn for tests before then (so I can have the results at my appointment). It's just another avenue I have to make sure to cover to make sure there aren't any physical issues going on (and to make sure my ridiculous eating hasn't CAUSED any health issues thus far).
Good for you for writing down how you feel. I hope that it helps. Things will get better.
I've definitely been there and fight the urge to go there still. For me, and I'm not sure if it is the same for you, I get into this mindset tht I've already messed up so I just keep going because I know I will have to get back on plan soon and then I will be forced to not have any treats! That's a scary thought for me so it's hard to stop a binge. The only way for me to stop is to take it one day at a time. Start now, not tomorrow to make positive choices. If I were you, I would get rid of all your trigger foods. If you really feel like you want a treat, have it if you think it wont trigger a binge, but if you think it will, I would stay away from them for now. Give yourself the goal of 1 binge free day and see how you feel after that. If you feel like you are going to have to go on a diet tomorrow, that could trigger a binge. I sometimes have to treat every choice like a little victory. If someone offers a treat and I decline, I give myself a pat on the back. If I am sitting on my couch at night and start picturing a treat in my hand then get a tea instead, I pat myself on the back. It's a lot nicer being proud of your accomplishments than beating yourseulf up over tiny failures. So you fell off the wagon for a bit, we all do! I do frequently, but then I just try to do better the next day.
Think positively and believe in your abilities and your will power. You can do it.
get out for a walk or stretch or do a crossword next tiem you have the urge.
My weight loss has somewhat been a roller coaster of being out of control, being totally in control and sometimes somewhere in the middle. When I'm totally in control, I lose weight. When I am out of control I gain weight but I have it down to an art where I'll bounce around a few lbs rather than gaining completely.
Up until a month ago, I was doing the out of control/sorta in control thing back and forth bouncing around the same 5 lbs. I'd binge, overeat, not care about eating then see the scale go up, then I'd control myself a little bit to see the scale go back down and then it'd start all over. Every morning though I woke up and said "I am going to be in control" and it didn't work for quite a few months but then one morning it "clicked".
For the past month, I've been exercising every day, watching my portions, limiting the type of foods I'm eating and limiting my eating out. I've also lost 15 lbs. In the past week though I started to think about eating things I shouldn't and eating more than I should eat. A couple days ago, I just ate and ate and ate, all fairly good things but way too much. I want to scream "It is too soon to lose control! I want to lose more before I have to do the stupid roller coaster thing again!" I know my hormones are out of whack and I'm a bit stressed so it could be a factor but I am fighting to stay in control and it is tough.
Senorita, I think so many of us can identify with what you wrote. We're all pulling for you to get things reined in and under control again, but ultimately, the buck stops with you. You have to do whatever it takes to control the binge monster.
Bikini had some good suggestions (Bikin, I swear, sometimes, reading your posts, it feels like we share a brain or something). My "program" is loose, and sounds pretty similar to Bikini's. I can't do a strict, restrictive thing, as it finally clicked that that's what caused me to binge. Not to say that those programs are bad - they work for lots of people. But I think that we bingers are "special" in some ways. I don't know what program you were following to lose weight, but is it possible that it's just not the program for you?
I'm pretty good with the exercise, and I swear, it drives my good eating. If I go a few days without exercising, I notice myself getting sloppy with my food choices. So no matter what you've eaten, I suggest doing the exercise anyway - it ALWAYS helps me get back on track when I've had a slip-up.
I know you feel crappy about the bingeing that you've done. But you can't change yesterday. Treat it as a learning experience, and instead of dwelling on the fact that you've screwed up, look to the future, and try to think positive, empowering thoughts. In the early stages, don't even look too far ahead - just focus on handling each day as it comes. The first day or 2 will be the hardest, but every time you have a successful day, you'll be a little more stoked to keep it up, and it will start to get easier. You've proven that you have what it takes to be successful at this - dig down and find that power again. Good luck to you.
I can so relate to what everyone here is saying. I hope Senorita that you post back on how you are doing. I went almost 10 months binge free and lost a ton of weight then lapsed into old behavior.
At first, my stomach shrunk and I was sick. But now I can eat huge quantities no problem although I feel guilty, gross and tired after. I read about some people's binges and I can eat 3x what they write down. The binge/restrict pattern seems even worse now then when I was 100 lbs heavier.
I ate a pint of ben & jerrys the other day - something I had not done in a long time. And that was on top of tons and tons of other things. When I tell people what I ate they can't believe it. I literally ate myself out of all my pants and had only 1 pair that fit (in a week).
I wish I had the answer. It does seem to help if I get back on my exercise plan (when I binge that gets thrown out the window). Also, I NEVER weigh myself 2 days at least after a binge. I know that high number will set me over the edge. But I do weigh myself within the week because if I keep avoiding the scale the denial and weight gain gets even worse. I just keep trying to get back on track. Also, I do not cut way way back after a binge as punishment. I try to eat a healthy normal diet just as if I had never gone off plan. It is very hard because I am an all or nothing person. But I do relate to what you are saying and I hope you are doing better.
I was headed in the same direction as you...I just put my foot down today to stop. I really scared myself though by eating an entire GALLON of ice cream within 3 days. Plus meals and whatever else I could find. I find that I start to get the urge to binge and just continue eating about a week before my period. If I am not careful, I won't stop at just a week and will continue along eating and get back into my bad habits. My advice is to grab a friend, or keep posting and get some accountability. It is never too late to start again on your healthy habits. Think of how good you do feel when eating right (I know my body treats me much nicer when I do!). The crazy eating is in the past, just forget it, pick up your healthly plan again and keep going!
I know all too well how you feel. You sound much like myself. I used to be 268 lbs. i am now 152 lbs. i still suffer from binge eating disorder. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I struggle with it bad myself, and I don't think i have any wisdom about this . best of wishes for you! stay strong!
first off, senorita-please be kind to yourself! this is not an easy path to be on.
for me, when i have been "doing well" and then started to binge out, it's been BECAUSE i am starting to succeed in altering my negative patterns. I think on some level, we all try to sabotage ourselves when the going gets good-because who are we if we're not always struggling with our weight or diet or whatever? who do we become in our family or friend group? what would become our new role if we weren't "fat"(my wording for myself only!)?
this is what trips me up.
right now, I'm trying to just take it one day at a time and figure out a way to avert this disaster when it occurs, of slipping into those negative patterns...
not sure if that helps or not, but you know, habits are really hard to break and it's really hard to give up our roles in the world, even if we don't like them-because they are SAFE!
good for you for writing in-we are all here for you!!
Scaring myself
. best of wishes for you! stay strong!
