I'm curious to know what people think about being overweight and looking for a mate? I'm a 28 year old single woman and would like to be in a serious relationship. I've been dating here and there, but I worry that my weight is holding me back from meeting someone that I really want to be with. One the one hand, I really believe that I should be able to meet someone as I am right now. But on the other hand I'm thinking that the quality of my choices will open after I lose some weight. Not necessarily reaching my goal (about 100lbs to lose) but well on my way to it.
For a long time my weight turned into my way of rebelling against what society says is beautiful. So at times it was a source of strength in many ways. Now I'm more concerned about my health, so that's what's really pushing me to lose weight. I've always been active and relatively outgoing, so I meet a lot of people but I'm starting to feel like weight is the main reason why this isn't happening for me.
I'd love to hear what everyone thinks?
I met a few guys throughout college, but nothing ever got very serious. After college, I met Jeff online (in a chat room, not through a dating site). I had met a couple of other guys through hte internet before, and our in-person meetings had been somewhat disasterous. This one was different--I met Jeff when I was about 265 pounds, and he has been with me all the way up to 310 pounds, back down to 265, and back up to 290 (where I am now), and he has never ever EVER said anything to make me feel uncomfortable about my size/shape/weight. To the contrary, he's actually the ONLY person I feel comfortable being naked with--I even feel less confortable having to strip down for a doctor for my yearly female exam
And so, regardless of weight, I say keep searching. No, I do NOT believe the "quality" of choices will improve with weight loss because you'll just be attracting more men who are probably more superficial. The ones really worth having are the ones who will love you at ANY weight.
I am SO thankful I met Jeff while overweight because I will NEVER have to worry/wonder if he will be grossed out when I get fat and pregnant or get stretch marks as I age or whatever. I know he loves me 100% for ME. If I lost weight before starting to seriously date, I would always be wondering if the guy would leave me if I were to regain my weight (not that I would plan to regain, of course, but it's am honest concern), or if he would have been interested in me at all at a higher weight.
Your weight shouldnt hold you back, but to be honest i do think ur options go down dramatically. most guys i meet think that i'm easy and just want to have sex with me and never talk to me again. luckily all the guys that have tried that, i'm either not attracted to or they are just so damn ugly i couldnt bring myself to sleep with him. leaving me a virgin and i'm almost 21. But it doesnt bother me, i've come to the conclusion that i should be treated like a princess and i'm not ganna give that up. i had a long conversation with my best friend last night and we discussed what we want in a man. you have to really think about what you want and not settle. the sad part is u might not find someone until you reach your goal weight. stick to what you want and if u decided the internet way just be really careful. ive met some really great friends (some of the best people ever) because of the internet, but as for a date, its usually bad. Jill is one of the really lucky ones. hope i helped!!!
Oh, honey, I dealt with my fair share of jerks before finding my Jeff, believe me! I had one guy who I met in person one time, and then when we got home, he got online and told me he didn't care if we ever talked again. I went on a date with another guy who then said he couldn't see me the following weekend because he was going to visit friends. As it turned out, the "friends" he went to visit was another girl he had met online, and they are now married--and he couldn't understand why I wasn't happy for him And then there was the guy who wanted nothing more then an every-Friday-night drunken booty call...but enough babbling. Even skinny girls have to sort through the jerks before they find their prince charming!
Oh, and for the record, I was a virgin until I was almost 22. If I hadn't met Jeff, I would probably still BE a virgin today. He's the only guy I've ever actually had sex with.
you know whats really bad of me. if a guy that was my size was trying to date me, i probably wouldnt go out with him. i'm weird. sometimes i forget that i'm as big as i am and everything people say about fat people i say myself. i want the muscular guy with eyes that look right thru you. and i dont know why, but ever since my and my ex broke up all the men ive been attracted to have been in their middle to late 30's. the only good thing is none of them have kids!! my best friend keeps finding guys that are in their 20's and have kids. the only thing i know now is i'm not ganna let food take control of me and i'm ganna find that guy that treats me the way i'm supposed to be treated.
I think that your options go up some when you lose wieght, but I like to think that it is because of the way that you treat yourself. when i am thinner I am choosier, and only go for the good guys that I feel like i deserve- and ny "good" I mean not just good looking. Also, I am more outgoing, confident, and able to gracefully accept compliments- and that is hot no matter what your weight is.
I am with you on the hoping my options open up when I lose the weight. I've had guys approach me but I tend to attract weirdos. I had one guy try to pick me up by telling me he'd just gotten out of juvie and was a B&E expert (breaking and entering). I don't think I have to tell you what a HUGE turn-on that is...haha. Yeah, old black men also really go for me too...like 40-50 year old men-and i'm 21. sooo umm, no.
Basically if they're attracted to me, I'm not attracted to them. So I'm hoping when I lose weight I'll be more confident and that will help me attract the right sort of guy.
When I met my boyfriend, I weighed less then I do now-- and had just come from a major weightloss (about 65 lbs). Now I'm Fatty Mc. Fatterson again and he doesn't really seem to mind.. he says he can't tell..EXCEPT for the way I carry myself.. and I think that has a lot to do with it-- when you feel good, you glow-- and guys are stupid, they're like bugs attracted to bright lights.
I don't see why you shouldn't look for a serious relationship. When it really comes down to, weight shouldn't really matter. I think a lot of it is how you act on a daily basis. I've seen many overweight women get into a serious relationship.
My friend is a great example. Her and I have been friends since we were freshman in high school.
She's always been very out going, and never really cared what others thought of her. She had her fair share of dates/boyfriends, and is now engaged to be married to a wonderful guy.
I, on the other hand, am completely opposite of her. Absolutely no confidence. I've always cared what every single person has thought of me. My lack of confidence seriously shows. I dress dumpy in hopes of hiding, I walk with my head down, etc.
And what have I had? Two extremely short term relationships with jerks.
Boy #1: "Okay" with my weight, but a drug addict and alcoholic. Knew I was sensitive about my weight and once commented on my weight because of what his friend said. (He said, "Even Andrew thinks you're pretty, but..." *rubs my stomach)
Boy #2: Basically just after sex, while cheating and sleeping around. He had no attraction what-so-ever to me, and even the slightest attention he gave me (which wasn't much), I was happy to have.
I feel like I can't do any better until *I'm* thin, but then I see my friend, and honestly, it's not about weight.
Sure, more might look/whistle/whatever once you lose, but are they really worth it? I really have to put to being yourself and confident.
I don't see why not. I think it's probably easier to find someone when you're thin, but that doesn't mean you can't find someone now, either. :-) Us overweight people date too, you know.
As much as I wish the world wasn't a horribly unfair place most of the time, it is. And because of this, people who are overweight (especially women) get the short end of the stick when it comes to dating. I could grumble all night about the whys and hows, but the important thing is to remember that no matter if you gain or lose weight, you're still the same person. Losing weight won't solve relationship problems, it won't solve self-esteem problems, and it won't either help or hurt you find love.
Yes, it's true that after losing weight the quality and quantity of available partners will probably improve. But please don't forget that some of the people who will be interested in you then won't give you a single minute of their time now. This happened to me a couple years ago after a pretty sizable weight loss. An acquaintance of mine who would have never seen me in a romantic sense suddenly was interested in me. In the end, I didn't end up dating him because of how dismissive he was of me while I was heavier.
Just remember: when the way you look outside changes, it doesn't change who you are and it certainly doesn't change other people. Look for someone who you're comfortable with and who will love and respect you. Some people find that person when they weigh 100 lbs., some find it when they weigh 300 lbs. Call it fate or luck or chance or whatever you want. Just try and think of your weight in terms of how it effects YOU, not how it effects people around you.
As much as I wish the world wasn't a horribly unfair place most of the time, it is. And because of this, people who are overweight (especially women) get the short end of the stick when it comes to dating. I could grumble all night about the whys and hows, but the important thing is to remember that no matter if you gain or lose weight, you're still the same person. Losing weight won't solve relationship problems, it won't solve self-esteem problems, and it won't either help or hurt you find love.
Yes, it's true that after losing weight the quality and quantity of available partners will probably improve. But please don't forget that some of the people who will be interested in you then won't give you a single minute of their time now. This happened to me a couple years ago after a pretty sizable weight loss. An acquaintance of mine who would have never seen me in a romantic sense suddenly was interested in me. In the end, I didn't end up dating him because of how dismissive he was of me while I was heavier.
Just remember: when the way you look outside changes, it doesn't change who you are and it certainly doesn't change other people. Look for someone who you're comfortable with and who will love and respect you. Some people find that person when they weigh 100 lbs., some find it when they weigh 300 lbs. Call it fate or luck or chance or whatever you want. Just try and think of your weight in terms of how it effects YOU, not how it effects people around you.
I have said this entirely too much today in lieu of figuring out how to just say it myself, but.... well put.
Yes, it's true that after losing weight the quality and quantity of available partners will probably improve.
Do you guys all really think the "quality" of available partners increases? I would understand the quantity increasing, but to me, a truly "quality" mate will love me at ANY weight, and those who are only interested in me at a lower weight are not very high "quality" in my book.
Do you guys all really think the "quality" of available partners increases? I would understand the quantity increasing, but to me, a truly "quality" mate will love me at ANY weight, and those who are only interested in me at a lower weight are not very high "quality" in my book.
I am gonna go with yes, because of what I said above: better people will come along when you are better. And yes I know that we are all basically the same on the inside whether or not we are overweight. But, I still maintain that we are better when we are happier with ourselves. Regardless of what the scale says when you find that happiness, people -and not just boyfriends- are drawn to people who aren't afraid to shine. If you aren't afraid to shine at 700 pounds then yay! But we all know that it is a bit easier when we are at healthier weights. That to me is when the better partners come along.
Overweight and Looking for a Mate
