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It is not the holidays, but i just love martha stewart, and thought this was hilarious. :
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '2000 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. |
Just a few little tasks to be getting on with then.......:(
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For you chicks in Ontario! :D
- American chicks please insert American politician of your choice in the punchline ;) A man died and went to heaven, as he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,"What are all those clocks ? ". St.Peter answerd, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has one, every time you lie the hands on your clock move." "Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that one?" "That's Nelson Mandela's.The hands have seldom moved", said St.Peter. "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St.Peter responded,"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice,telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Dalton McGuinty's clock?" asked the man. "McGuinty's clock is in Jesus' office," said St.Peter. He's using it as a ceiling fan." :lol3: |
Kwame Kilpatrick
John Engler George Bush Take your pick. |
Tikanique?
You forgot Cheney. :) oh, heck! there are too many to list. |
Quote:
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Even though this lady is residing in MY house, she may at some time appear in yours.
Be alert! A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was! She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face andbody. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate -- especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too. For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized. She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has done other things--like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me. Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me! I hope she never finds out where YOU live! |
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio
conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course. AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. You decide. |
:lol3: crazy americans.
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Mammogram
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough. Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!! CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram! And just a thought for all you women out there: MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy! Send this to all the women you know, and brighten their day!... P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist! |
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their “little test” was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom? |
At 2:00 a.m. a cop saw a man, obviously drunk, walking down the street. He pulled over, stepped out of his vehicle and confronted the drunk.
“Where are you going?” he asked the man. “To a lecture,” the drunk replied. “And who,” the officer asked looking at his watch, “gives lectures at 2:00 a.m.?” “My wife.” |
A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
“Why are all the blinds closed?” he asked the doctor. “Well,” the surgeon responded, “They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.” |
Good ones! :lol:
Jennifer I laughed out loud - I work in a law office! :lol3: |
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire??
A blonde named Bambi is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.
Regis: "Bambi, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?" Bambi: "Yes." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is It: A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Bambi: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Anne." Anne (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?" Regis: "Hello Anne, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Bambi here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Bambi..." Bambi: "Anne, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Anne: "Good grief, Bambi, that's simple. It's a cuckoo." Bambi: "Are you sure?" Anne: "I'm sure." Regis: "Bambi, you heard Anne. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?" Bambi: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo." Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Bambi: "Yes." Regis: "Are you confident?" Bambi: "Yes; I think Anne's pretty smart." Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!" To celebrate, Bambi flies Anne to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Bambi looks at Anne and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" Anne answers, "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks." |
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