There is a new virus: code name is "work".

If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or
any where else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances!!

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and
take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that
"work " has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends.

Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you
are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your
whole life.

This virus is deadly.

Please pay close attention to it and take heed.

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M's."

Marriage...
 

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At
Last.'"

************************************************** *

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and
says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms
out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was
nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the
irritated husband says, "What took you so long to
answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

************************************************** *

A man has six children and is very proud of his
achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts
calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections. One night, they go to a party. The man
decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out
if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of
six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion
shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of
Four."

oops...one more...

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I
want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect
a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you
that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my
old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock
every night . . . whether you're here or not."

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No sh*t?"

:lol:
Ruthie can give that one to her minister, Kat.

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot
of fun.


He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will
easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this,
If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will
be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"


The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.


Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at
her with a puzzled look.


He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.


He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.


Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.


All to no avail.


After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.


He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde
politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.


The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts
trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes
the blonde and asks "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.

:lol: I must send that to my blonde friend who works for a lawyer!

I love it!

Observations on Life

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

7. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and :censored:'s.

12. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

13. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore,I am perfect.

14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

15. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

16. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

17. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

18. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

19. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

:lol: Those were great Squeaker!

Top Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument

10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

_9. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."

_8. "You're just upset because your *** is beginning to spread."

_7. "Wait a minute...I get it -- what time of the month is it?"

_6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"

_5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."

_4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."

_3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** Flakes this morning."

_2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT....

_1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."

:lol: Thanks Squeak and Den... just what I needed...

More Random thoughts (I know the exercise ones aren't very nice - but you know my feelings about exercise...)-

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes..

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

:lol: Thanks, Squeak!

A man is driving down a road... Driving along, tra-li-lah...

A woman is driving down the road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG."

The man immediately leans out of his window and yells, "*****!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

If only men would listen.

:lol: Good one Ellis!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

witty replies
 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

this actually reminded me of another one, that actually happened... a girl at work got this jerk on the phone who made some nasty comment about her p**sy - and she quickly replied "Actually, sir, I don't have a cat."

It was great. I love it when you can put jackasses in their place. :)

:lol:

I LOVE the turkey one. Thanks, Lizzi!

TOO FUNNY!!!!!!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious Cod
appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin
turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid
of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away
whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new
menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming
alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his
luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back
into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve
a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the
reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's
at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and
end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he
opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the
door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me
again.

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy
and I'll not be tricked. "

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed."...(wait for it) . . .


...."I've found Cod.
I'm a prawn again Christian".

....i don't know whether to laugh or cry.....

GOOD ONE!!!

The Cowboy and a Rattlesnake

It was spring in the Old West. The cowboys rode the still snow -
choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared , and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, " Don't shoot . I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable . Then I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

:lol: Too funny, Ellis...here's one:


For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've learned from my Children
(honest & no kidding)

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
4-year-old.

11. PlayDough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy **** - a talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 MINUTES.

25. Grandchildren are the reward you get for not killing your children.

oh ow. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

:lol: I can attest to a few of those, Merrylegs.

DITTO!!!!

Bubba - from my pal Rob (not a good ole boy)
 

Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange as he was pretty sure of the body's identity.

Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s."

"What? He had two *******s?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two *******s."

:lol: Good ones!

GOOD one Ruth!!

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and
give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years
and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will
give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them
laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so
that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have fun and, enjoy life. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty
years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow
gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."


So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy life, and have fun; for the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.


Life has now been explained

:lol: That is about the best explanation I've ever seen!

That is GREAT Mauvais!!!!

Yeah well, as usual a man :censored:ed it up for the rest of us! :rolleyes:

:lol: Ruth, did you get that from your friend at the funeral parlour...

Good one, Mauvais. :lol:

Yes, I did, Ellis! And I think it may be true! :lol: