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Old 05-10-2003, 01:18 PM   #1  
Cookin' With A Vengeance!
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Talking

There is a new virus: code name is "work".

If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or
any where else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances!!

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and
take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that
"work " has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends.

Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you
are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your
whole life.

This virus is deadly.

Please pay close attention to it and take heed.
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Old 05-16-2003, 04:55 PM   #2  
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An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M's."
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Old 05-17-2003, 05:52 PM   #3  
a work in progress...
 
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Wink Marriage...

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At
Last.'"

************************************************** *

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and
says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms
out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was
nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the
irritated husband says, "What took you so long to
answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

************************************************** *

A man has six children and is very proud of his
achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts
calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections. One night, they go to a party. The man
decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out
if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of
six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion
shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of
Four."
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Old 05-17-2003, 06:00 PM   #4  
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oops...one more...

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I
want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect
a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you
that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my
old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock
every night . . . whether you're here or not."
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Old 05-18-2003, 06:38 PM   #5  
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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No sh*t?"
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Old 05-18-2003, 08:35 PM   #6  
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Ruthie can give that one to her minister, Kat.
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Old 05-30-2003, 07:32 AM   #7  
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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot
of fun.


He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will
easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this,
If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will
be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"


The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.


Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at
her with a puzzled look.


He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.


He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.


Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.


All to no avail.


After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.


He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde
politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.


The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts
trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes
the blonde and asks "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.
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Old 05-30-2003, 08:02 AM   #8  
Bewitchin' in the kitchen
 
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I must send that to my blonde friend who works for a lawyer!
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Old 05-30-2003, 09:59 AM   #9  
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I love it!
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Old 06-09-2003, 10:12 AM   #10  
Cute & Fluffy
 
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Observations on Life

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

7. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and 's.

12. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

13. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore,I am perfect.

14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

15. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

16. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

17. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

18. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

19. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
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Old 06-09-2003, 10:43 AM   #11  
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Those were great Squeaker!
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Old 06-11-2003, 10:21 AM   #12  
Cookin' With A Vengeance!
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Top Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument

10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

_9. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."

_8. "You're just upset because your *** is beginning to spread."

_7. "Wait a minute...I get it -- what time of the month is it?"

_6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"

_5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."

_4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."

_3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** Flakes this morning."

_2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT....

_1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."
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Old 06-11-2003, 10:55 AM   #13  
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Thanks Squeak and Den... just what I needed...
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Old 06-13-2003, 09:35 AM   #14  
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More Random thoughts (I know the exercise ones aren't very nice - but you know my feelings about exercise...)-

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes..

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
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Old 06-13-2003, 09:46 AM   #15  
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Thanks, Squeak!
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