Scotch and Humour
 

Yes Ellis and Den-you asked for you got it -the Scotch and Humour is back !

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is and endless struglle full of frustrations, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of chocolate can make a person gain five pounds.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it somehow shrinks two sizes.

Age is important only if you are cheese or wine.

Is it a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

Aaaaaaaah! Home sweet home. Thank you, Mauvais. I DO like a little scotch with my humour.

It's even good with humor!

Below are some letters to God from Children.

Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Ginny

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce

Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

Dear God,
I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear God,
How did you know you were God?
Charlene

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Anita

Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God:
Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.
Darla

Dear God,
I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones.
Glenn

Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
It's O.K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?
Arnold

Dear God,
Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
In bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Jane

Dear God,
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Seymour

Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.
Peter

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget.
Mark

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
Dean

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business?
Donny

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation?
Jane

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.
Charles

Dear God,
It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places.
Jeff

Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Frank

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.
Eugene

Well if you MUST spell humour that way!! :D

I love the one about "who puts the lines around the countries".

I like the one about the sunset!!!

We are heading into a purple and orange sunset right now. I liked that one too, Den.

Man's five most feared questions:
1.. What are you thinking about?
2.. Do you love me?
3.. Do I look fat?
4.. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.

Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
1.. Nothing
2.. Football
3.. Jennifer Lopez
4.. How fat you are
5.. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary: "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
1.. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
2.. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3.. That depends on what you mean by love
4.. Does it matter
5.. Who, me?

Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
1.. Compared to what?
2.. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3.. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4.. I've seen fatter.
5.. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
1.. Yes, but you have a better personality
2.. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
3.. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
4.. Define "pretty"
5.. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat".)
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh*t.

Okay, I told DH that if I die first I WANT him to find someone else. But I also told him that if he brought a date to my funeral i would haunt him FOREVER (especially when he is having sex!!)

heh heh. That's good, Squeak.

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young
man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what
are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God
will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God."

HAHAHA!!!!

I think I may have already posted this. But what the heck...


This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! "I'm putting on my *ucking shoes."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a
good example. Nothing worked.

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled
back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.

For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream...
then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

TOO FUNNY!!! (Especially the second one!!)

Ok this may not go with all of the feminist talk going on, but I thought this was a really cute joke.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly, the skyclouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, awish you think would honor and glorify me!"
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

:lol: :lol: :lol: very funny goyles!

>A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. >

>A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
>
>The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
>
>Whose funeral is it?"
>
>The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband, my pit bull attacked and killed him. The second is my mother-in-law, she tried to stop the attack, and the pit bull killed her also."
>
>A poignant and thoughtful moment pass between the two women.
>
>"Can I borrow the dog?"
>
>"Get in line."

Oh my god Kat! That was so funny :lol: :lol: :lol:

I dug deep to resurrect the thread...
 

DANCING IN THE CONFESSIONAL!

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

heh heh

Senior Moments!
 

Two elderly ladies were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and stared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is."


An elderly couple on a cruise were standing on the deck when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. After searching in vain for days, the captain sent the old man back to shore with a promise to notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a
fax: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her rear was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000, please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.."

I see where I'm headed...:lol:

ROFLMAO!

Ham sandwhich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
Bartender says, Cant you read, we don't serve food here!

Miss Chris

This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:

"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,

"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and
peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Volkswagen says,

"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

When *I* was a kid...
 

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up;
what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in **** I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But...Now that I've reached the ripe old age of (****your age here****) I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so f***'ing easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a god damed Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet
If we wanted to know something we had to go to the gosh darned with sprinkles on toped library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with apen!
And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the f***in' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters!
You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the gosh darned with sprinkles on toped record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ' usually talked over the beginning and f*** it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn!
You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!
We didn't have fancy **** like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!!
You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had theAtari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked!
Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screenforever!
And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!....... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height!
A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20channels and there was no on screen menu!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
Remote, what remote??
You had to get off your fat *** and change the friggin channel!!!
CD's, DVD's, Webcams, Pentium IV What the f*** is
that............................
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...
...D'ya hear what the **** I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little *******s!
That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy!
You're spoiled, I swear to God!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1980!

almost peed my pants :lol:

OMG I feel old! Except instead of Atari we had an intellivision and computers ran on these things called floppy discs and you had to take them in and out to get the program to run! LOL!

Miss Chris

HEHEHEHE....
 

Crap I'm getting old... :o

ME TOO!!!!

1980???? Heck, try growing up in the 60s!! Imagine, watching "The Wizard of Oz" only ONCE A YEAR!

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye slowly opened, and then the wife said, "Honey, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

Oh boy, that was good! Aint that the truth!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD one!!!!

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he
sat sipping his whiskey a young lady sat down next to
him. After a long silence she turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've
spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I
think about women. When I shower, watch TV, eat,
whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The old cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I
just found out I'm a lesbian.

:lol:

A well-known and well-loved cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral, with many of his fellow MDs in attendance. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- See, I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

blah! :lol: