Hi Chicks,

I'm single again after years of marriage, and of course looking older and heavier than when I last dated: so many children (3), and so long ago. Honestly, most single men my age are divorced and looking to date someone 10-15 years younger than themselves and of course they want the woman to be slender and eye candy next to them in their Male Menopause sportscar.
It's easy to get complacent with your body when you're in a stable marriage or relationship, but it's a bit scary when you find yourself wanting to date again when looks seem to mean everything to most single men. I believe my personality is fine, but it's tough just meeting someone so they even have the chance to know me. I've been losing weight on and off, and am on again this week, where I found this site. I'm not losing weight just to please some potential date, but I'm doing it for my own self-esteem. Can anyone share stories or advice who might be in my situation? It seems that most on this site are married.

I've only been a single mom since June officially. Although, really it's been more than a year since things went awry. I find myself thinking of how it might be to find someone new to spend some time with. I lack the confidence right now to do anything about it though. I know I'm not "golden" yet, but it's still tough for me too.

I'm 51 and after a year back on dating scene after 20 years off, I believe I've finally found a keeper. But it was quite disconcerting to feel like quite the hottie after losing 100 lbs and discovering that men my own age were just not that interested. I got a lot of play from 30 year olds interested in cougars, but virtually no attention from men I thought would be my appropriate age range (45-55). But I started looking at online dating as homework that just had to be done and I made myself initiate contacts and respond to men I thought a bit too old for me and if did finally pay off.

It really did help to think of it as homework so that I didn't take rejections personally, just figured it was a numbers game.

ETA: I tried Match.com (paid service) initially and then also signed up at Plenty of Fish (free service). My beau and I met through Plenty of Fish but made some good contacts through Match as well.

Hey, I'm trying Plenty of Fish at the moment too! I've had more contacts than through match.com but no takers yet.

1 recent one asked for my number so we could chat. He'd sounded nice in brief emails, so I gave him my 3rd back up mobile number. Since when he's never been in touch.
Another asked on Sunday if I wanted to go out for a drink that evening?
What, with someone I've never met? After dark? Right.
Then again Weds. I did thank him civilly and explain. So now he's sent his mobile so I can text him.
He may well be charming but if he thinks it's appropriate to ask unknown women to meet him for alcohol after dark, then he's not for me.

I too am looking at it as an exercise to be done. I'm long-term single, never been married or been in a relationship as an adult long enough to be called a relationship. We'll see.

Me too. One of the disconcerting questions POF asked to set up my profile was longest relationship. I was able to put 5 years only by counting my HS boyfriend (age 15-20). Many folks when they hear I haven't been married assumed I had been living with someone. Nope, and that question from POF really put me in a funk for a few days.

I've not heard of Plenty of Fish, but it sounds promising. I've used EHarmony and have to say that I've been connected to more people who share my values and interests than anywhere else - and you can specify the age group (no cougar-hunting). You only get to read responses from those who have been matched to you, so it's not such a meat market like some where selections are initially made from photos and catchy phrases. Unfortunately, it's a paid site; I belonged about 6 months, but I think it was worth the money. I was lucky enough to meet a Widower my age, and we have really hit it off well. He's been widowed for 8 years now or I wouldn't have considered getting into such a relationship. I agree that it IS like homework where you email, answer, repeat...and ultimately delete 99 percent of candidates. It's disturbing to hear about the men your age who are not interested in women the same age, but I've encountered that, too. They mostly want the younger models - fools.
Caryesings - congrats on finding a winner!
Rosinate - Don't get discouraged and continue to decline those inappropriate meetings. If they can't show respect now, what would they be like later?

the situation described by the OP will apply if you are single again at age 25, by the way(( yes, the older men get is often the ones who want them younger and younger( and, these older men will say they only want skinny ones, but that doesnt apply if she's half his age?? they will reject skinny women their own age for someone half their age( i've spent a few years off and on on pof and a few others. i had some good contacts from pof sometimes, but they were all before i lost alot of my hair length due to color damage. when i first bleached my hair, it was like i had suddenly 'become a woman' to these men??? even though i was a bit bigger even then. i found one guy who lived in canada and went off for awhile. but then he decided he had to keep looking and lied about it, so i put my page back up. by then i had changed my haircolor to a red, darker than what i wanted, and was trying to go back blonde. the first round of color lightening cost me almost all of my hair(( i got basically zero contacts on pof( my hair slowly grew, and i could finally bleach some again. i started getting a few more contacts. i attracted some apparently out of work techie guys in music industry who were looking for barbies and were disappointed in how i looked, even though i had the maximum number of recent photos up including body shots. i finally met somebody in person, and we dated for awhile. a whole nother story(( i'd gladly settle for him again at this point but he wont. i'm not even doing online anymore. i still have a page for the forums but i just dont see any difference in the type of guys online, and they seem to expect a magic barbie to appear out of my pics and an instant 'i wanna ___' at the first meet or you are out. not worth my time. i'll sit at the bar or the river.

oh, about meeting after dark. i'm not sure how things are in that country. but here, most people just pick a public place and drive separately for the first meet. and, you can always drive your own car to and from until you feel more comfortable with that person. if you have weekends off, pick a daytime lunch or afternoon at a park, etc. i always was glad for the chance to meet someone if he was one i had wanted to meet. you never really know who you are dealing with until you see them in person and get to know them better.

Oh, don't get me started about men and women's hair! I have very dark brown hair, and for years I kept it short. My friends thought it was cute and flattering, but most men consider short hair "unattractive" ... you see, they WERE looking for women with Barbie hair. When I was home finishing my degree, I was simply too busy to get haircuts and it grew out to shoulder length, which is when I had a pic taken for Eharmony. It's amazing how much more attention you get with longer hair, but I can only imagine if I had colored it blonde. Seems like 95% of men - regardless of age - are looking for the same 2-3% of woman who are young, skinny, and blonde. Don't they know that those women could have anyone they want? i.e., Young, attractive, successful men, not the old, rude losers panting after them online.

POF, been there, and you really need to be careful. No doubt there are some nice, ok guys on there, but in my four plus years on there I have learned that they all lie about something, some pretty serious liars. Don't give out any "real" information about yourself until you are sure they are not: married, in jail, criminals, pedophiles, looking for money, etc etc. Just last month I discovered I I was talking with married, another accused of firebombing a campaign office. In the past have spoken with guys claiming to be looking for a normal relationship, but was really looking for dumb women to put on his porn site, a guy buried in debt looking for a woman to move in to help him out, and one guy in jail. Apparently I excel at internet research, because all the stuff I found on these guy was right there and took less than ten minutes to find.

Yes, you can never be too careful on those sites. That's one reason I tried eharmony - since it's more expensive, I think it's more likely to attract more grounded people serious about meeting someone special.

BTW, I like your concept of looking to lose smaller amounts of weight as short term goals - it can be overwhelming to look at the total to lose sometimes. I like the idea of 10%. I'm trying to lose 10% and get my body re-set to that weight. Then I'll lose another 10% and adjust to that weight. I think it might just work!

Hi, one of the things that comes with age is (hopefully) more acceptance of our strengths and weaknesses, and one of mine is taking on huge projects, figuring I will tough it out. That is why I give myself small goals. That was many months ago, and I let myself be distracted from the weight loss goals (full time college classes at this age).
This time around I am incorporating more activity in my life. One reason I gained weight last year was I went from hugely active by necessity (a waitress job, then a personal project that involved lots of physical work), to not having much in the way of forced activity, and turned into a real couch potato. Thought I was doing well to walk campus 5 or 10 minutes a day with a heavy bag.
A few weeks back, feeling like a complete blob (worse since class let out early Dec), I found myself wishing I had a treadmill. (Afraid to walk outside as am having knee troubles, afraid would not be able to make it back without injury). Finally realized how lazy that thinking was and starting pacing in my apartment. Better than nothing I thought. First time, a couple of minutes in, my hips were hurting something awful. Have kept it up, added some 5 lb weight work, other things. Now at least I can do my little circuit in my apt for 25 minutes, with some kicking, marching, running in place to amp it up a bit.
My thinking "some movement better than no movement, start moving with no set time goal in mind (removes the chore factor), enjoy small victories, be grateful for being able to walk/move/dance/hear music etc etc etc. " Oh, and come on this site to really get encouragement and fellowship, to understand the yoyo weight thing is so common, that forgiving oneself for being less (or more when it comes to weight than one was or hoped to be is important, but a small thing when compared to all the terrible things some people go through. Most of all, be positive and flexible.

Hi Everyone - I've been single this time for over 20 years I say this time as I have been married 2X & divorced both times. I have done on-line dating sites & have met some really nice guys & some that I didn't care to pursue. I really like living alone & never will get married again. I have a busy life & do what I want, when I want, & how I want. Anyway I feel good about working on losing weight this time (done it lots of times before! lol ) - I seem to have a different outlook or something. I'm so glad for 3fatchicks as I get alot of inspiration & motivation from you all. Let's keep on keeping on!

I was hoping this thread would be more promising. My therapist is encouraging me to look into eHarmony or something like it. I am not so inclined to do that. I really just want to meet someone in my hometown, my own age, who is balanced and has good friends. I just want to go out and have some good, clean fun!

I was married for 26 years. Just divorced last year. I was dumped for an Internet wife from the Phillippines who didn't intimidate the big white man. I am far better off alone! Actually quite happy on my own. I'm raising the boys on my own, and we're all happy and well-adjusted, so far.

Don't want to be someone's "nurse with a purse". Will not date anyone more than 10 years older than me. Don't want to get married. Don't want to quilt, play bridge or join either a book group or bible study group. I don't feel 50. I am not prepared to deal with grandchildren. I still like listening to The Strokes and going to college! I want to travel. I want to be free to volunteer my time to something meaningful to me, whenever I want to. I want to live alone in my own house and have my boyfriend come over and then leave! I want to throw holiday cocktail parties or sit in the backyard and drink good wine with my girlfriends. I want to continue enjoying the freedom of spending the day in my pajamas and writing at the computer, without being judged. And I never, ever, EVER care to apologize for myself again!

Having said all of that, I miss enjoying an intimate companionship with someone. Actually, I never really had it with the X. I long to experience the real thing for the first time. I'm pretty special. I don't need to be strapped to a man who is only looking for a long-haired, skinny blond.

If only Stephen Fry were straight. He and I would be so simpatico!

[QUOTE=geoblewis;3823899]Having said all of that, I miss enjoying an intimate companionship with someone. Actually, I never really had it with the X. I long to experience the real thing for the first time. I'm pretty special. I don't need to be strapped to a man who is only looking for a long-haired, skinny blond.
QUOTE]

Laffalot, what you want is attainable - It's what I have now, and I never thought I would be in such a healthy relationship. I met my BF on Eharmony 5 years ago, and since I still have teenagers at home and so does he, we see each other about twice a week for companionship, not to mention going to concerts, restaurants, festivals, vacation, and family events. Because of the distance (45 minutes), we usually stay over when we visit and leave the next morning (after bagels and coffee). We both like to cook (he's a foodie), so we shop the grocery stores and make wonderful meals together with good wine, etc. (I have some fresh morel mushrooms that I found today that we're using tomorrow in a chicken/morel sauce recipe!) I know I'm lucky, but there are other good men out there who value a smart women with a good personality over a 25-yo Barbie clone. You're going to be more likely to find them on eharmony because I think people there must be serious about finding compatibility because of the fee$. It takes a little time, but we're worth it!