Embarrassed by Weight Loss
 

I haven't lost enough weight that anyone (except for 1 person last weekend) has noticed. My weight loss has been so slow and gradual, and I am still very overweight, that it is not a topic of conversation.

However, I have a friend who lost a tremendous amount of weight this year and it is a huge topic of conversation and exclamations when people see her. I know that she is thrilled with her accomplishment and she looks great. However, I would think it would be very embarrassing to have people gushing over how thin you are now - because that reinforces and reminds people how fat you were then.

When I lose all the weight, I want it to be so slow that people don't even remember the fat me I am today. I want new people I meet to only know me as thin, not have old friends constantly reinforcing I used to be fat. It's like having a banner on your forehead - "Former Fatty!" I just want to put this whole episode behind me.

Does that make sense?

100%. Totally.

I am hoping that as my loss becomes obvious that folks limit how many times they comment on it, as well as limit their comments to something like "you look great" or "whatever you're doing is working".

Not something that sounds like or implies "wow, you looked so terrible for so long, its nice to see you almost a human shape again". And not constantly - as though my weight is and always has been the only thing they've ever noticed about me or cared about, and they are just so thankful that I'm no longer embaressing to them that they just have to keep mentioning it over and over.

But for the record I feel the same way when someone effusively tells me how good I look (weight related or otherwise). All I can think is, do I normally look so bad that when I dress up a little it is worth gushing over?

And when I find myself doing it to someone else, I usually will stop, pause and make a joke of it - "you always look good, but tonight you look especially nice".

I agree with you. A few years ago, I had lost 40 lbs (since have gained back over 20) and people would notice and say things - I'm sure out of encouragement - that were received negatively. I think to myself...if you feel the need to encourage me about this weight loss, what is that saying about what you thought about me before? I don't mind the "you're looking good" but the "OMG!! how much have you lost? You're getting so much thinner! etc etc" comments really bite. I like your idea of losing slowly so that people don't notice so much.

yes it makes sense! I have had this problem recently - yesterday no fewer than 10 people exclaimed "You are getting so thin!" and several people (at a business meeting) would not shut up about it. It's Very! nice to get compliments, do not misunderstand! BUT there is a time and a place and I am trying hard to become a thin person in my head which is hard enough without constant reminders of how fat I was :)

It's a bit weird since I have not actually lost any weight recently (2 lbs last month) but I guess I am getting smaller since I am getting more and more comments.

I just wish people would exclaim and then move on to more important things like business meeting topics. yes thanks I am beautiful and thin, now back to your regular programming. :D

Like it or not it will happen. Especially people who haven't seen you for awhile. They really mean well. Just say thanks and change the conversation, In time it will stop.

I have a similar issue, which is that I feel both like I'm excited about my weight loss and like talking about it and like it being noticed AND I feel like it should be perfectly okay for me to be at my previous high weight, too. Almost like I don't want to admit that I was messed up before -- and I still don't really believe I was/am. If I want to be 5'0" and 214 pounds, or if I am that weight and it is impossible to change it, then I that should be a valid choice and there should even be people who run over and gush about how great I look once in a while. lol

I get the feeling of the comments making you feel like you must have looked terrible before. That does cross my mind, but I kinda push it down. I know I didn't look great.

Ya know, I am sure that your weight loss is obvious, btw. You and I are just about on the same track stat-wise, except you're taller which probably does make a bit of difference. But I am pretty sure there's a night and day difference in the way I look. People I don't know treat me way differently. Men are smiling at me (which is so odd). I see a huge difference. I wonder if you're putting out a vibe that you don't want people to mention it. Which is fine, if you don't... It's none of their business! But if you feel a little disappointed (even though I know part of you doesn't want comments, another part of you might), I'm sure it's not that they don't notice.

"Ya know, I am sure that your weight loss is obvious, btw. "

It seems like it should be, but for some reason it isn't. I know that it isn't because all of my clothes from my highest weight still fit me (they are just a little looser), and when I told my MIL, who accompanied me to the overeaters anonymous meeting, that I had already lost 29 lbs, she just kind of looked at me blankly, as if to say, "Really, where did you lose it?"

I'm not sure I can say this well, but here goes....

I totally get what you are saying, 100%! I finally came to the place where I couldn't care about what others said and I had to do this for me. Also, I began to realize that when I view people I don't think of them in terms of size so I chose to believe that they don't think of me as "Tonia, that really fat chick.".

And, the fact is, when we lose weight we DO look good! I think people go on and on and on because it is so hard for most of us to stay focused.

Stay focused! :)

I am a huge smartass usually so I can get away with this - but in the past I dealt with it something like:

Random person: "Wow, have you lost weight? You look great!"
Me: "Thanks! You know, I think it's the crystal meth, I'm just hardly ever hungry!"

And then there's the slightly awkward pause and then they start laughing and we move on to something else.

I think it just takes time. Your old friends will get over the novelty of it eventually, and if they're good friends, all you have to do is say something about how it bothers you when they talk about your weight.

Like the crystal meth line!

I think if a close friend said to me privately that I looked good, I would be thrilled.

I have been thinking about it, and here is what I think I am feeling...and it doesn't say anything great about me.

So, my friend who lost all this weight, has been struggling ever since I have known her (about 18 years) to lose weight. She would always take off some pounds, but always put it back on. She is a very private person and never talked too much about her struggles, but I know the weight really bothered her. She is very wealthy and sylish and her weight didn't seem to suit her, "Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous," so to speak.

When I saw her a few months back, she was at the lowest weight I have ever seen her at, and a few months prior, she had looked as she always did. I saw her at a party and everyone was gushing and asking how she did it. She says all she did was eliminate white flour and sugar from her diet.

After knowing her so many years, and seeing all the fad diets she has tried, I find it hard to believe that in the space of say, 6 months-1 year, a person could lose at least 100lbs (that's probably what we're talking) just by eliminating white flour and sugar. I could be wrong. However, my guess is that she took the plunge and had some sort of weight loss surgery, but doesn't want to admit it.
Again...just a theory...could be wrong...and I do feel guilty for doubting that she lost the weight just by exercise and diet modification. Now a bunch of people are trying to follow her diet advice without much luck, and I am wondering if it because she gave them false information?

So, maybe I am afraid that people will think I had surgery, or think that I did it so quickly that it's only a matter of time before the weight returns...all the things I am thinking about my friend.

I know I sound like a jealous and horrible person, and maybe I am.

Yeah, I'm waiting for the Weight Watchers lady at work to notice that I've lost weight. She was grilling my coworker a couple days ago. We're both on Optifast, and the WW lady has been on maintenance for over 10 years and is a little judgmental about any other plan. She was pummeling my friend with questions, making me feel like it's only a matter of time until I get that "look". Like I'm cheating somehow. She's just that type of person. Not looking forward to her noticing.

I always comment when I notice someone is losing a good amount of weight, but I don't make a big fuss over it. I comment because I am heavy myself, and I am just curious to see what has been working for them. I always seem to get genuine answers, like they are happy I noticed and that I asked.

Does it make a difference to you if it is an overweight person... asking because they seek encouragement themselves, vs. a 'skinny' person, who has never dealt with the struggle of losing weight?

I have one friend who is a bubbly little fitness queen. She is always dishing out advice to me & another pal who is also overweight. We confided in each other that we know she means well, but sometimes we'd like for her to just shut up ;)

Well this is just going to make me sound neurotic - but if someone thinner than me compliments me it makes me feel self-conscious about the weight I have yet to lose. If someone larger compliments me, I feel slightly awkward talking about it (though I realize because they're larger doesn't mean they are self-conscious.. but I think it's because I always am/was?).

This is really only for people I don't know very well - from close friends / family I'm comfortable enough that their intentions are good that I just feel good about it. :)

people can't win :lol: one day there is a thread here about how no one is saying anything and the next day a thread about how people are.

I like when people comment on my weight loss...I worked hard for it..

the only time I was a bit mortified was when someone came up to me and grabbed the fat on my stomach because they wanted 'to see how much was left and how firm I had gotten'....I was like, that's almost as personal as a booby grab.....
but it made me laugh later because it reminded me of my friend who, when she was pregnant, had people running up and grabbing her belly to see if they could feel the baby... lol people are weird :D

Ugh, I just wrote a whole post and it disappeared.

Anyway, was saying this is a great thread.

I put on weight suddenly three years ago, and have been hiding ever since. I live in a town of stylish, image-conscious women. I've dropped out of the social scene, now grocery-shop in the next town, etc. If I have to go out at night, I use every trick in the book--wear black, Spanx, etc. It's a ridiculous way to live, but in my shamed, obsessed head, I imagine that my dumpiness is the talk of the town.

I keep thinking that when I lose the weight (I almost typed "love" the weight, hmmm), I'll have been so out of sight that most people won't have registered it. I, too, have that horror of hearing, "Oh my GAWD, you lost a TON of weight! You were really looking heavy there for a while."

Recently I did have to attend a cocktail party, and was gratified to see many of those stylish gals had put on a few as well. I suppose it's our age (late 40s+). Still.

On the flipside, it is awkward when you run into someone who was significantly overweight, who has dropped a lot of it. I try to keep my eyes in my head, smoothly say, "You look great," and move on.

My neighbor was huge a few years ago, but lost probably 80 pounds. She's kept it off for about five years now, and looks hot, much better than me. I never would have believed it,but I'm envious of her. And I've FINALLY begun to permanently think of her as slim. :-)

Thanks for listening, I hope my honesty hasn't been off-putting. Weight is such a private, icky subject.

I was absolutely bombarded by compliments and attention because I lost my weight in about 10 months. Like the OP, I was initially embarrassed because I was so used to being the wallflower. Within a few months though my mind did wrap around my new reality and I began feeling comfortable in new styles and with attention from women and from men.

I don't make a habit to discuss weightloss though. Very rarely do I discuss it outside 3FC except with one or two friends in real life. I know what works for me and don't like to debate it with anyone else.

I have been overweight for years (15+). In fact, most, if not all, of my current co-workers have never known me "thin." I am about half way in my quest to be healthy and people are just now noticing!! Actually, I know that they noticed before, but many people were too shy to say anything...maybe they thought I was sick or something :-)

I even had one man, after I had lost over 30 pounds, say, "I'm sorry if this offends you, but I just have to say how great you look! You have lost so much weight!" I thought that was kind of funny, since I couldn't imagine why saying I look good would offend me in any way! But then I realized, that a lot of people feel that way...weight is a taboo subject...obviously on both sides of the conversation!

I have to admit, I don't mind when people exclaim how "thin" I am. My response, "Thanks." However, when they start to go on and on about it and want a blow by blow of how and why I did it...that gets very irritating.

Then there's the problem of seeing people you haven't seen in years, who remember you as effortlessly thin. And worse, who have, through a healthy lifestyle and discipline, finally achieved a great body themselves!

I feel exactly the same. I had people scream at me at a party recently because they were so shocked how much I lost. Not nice. I also expect some people freaking out when they see me in December after not seeing me since I started losing. And I didn't tell them I am!
However, I had one nice experience with my boss recently. She came in and told me how great I look and how amazing it is what I am doing. (She is skinny like a stick!) I told her that it is embarrassing how big I was before and that I feel weird when people make a big fuss about me losing weight. She said that she honestly doesn't remember how big I was. She just sees me looking better and better every day/week. And she thinks it is amazing how I transform from month to month.

I thought about it and actually, I agree. I don't even remember how huge I looked last year! How would she? People don't keep a perfect picture of us in mind, more like an outline. Ok, she was bigger but they can't remember the details. And I don't think it is any different for people that haven't seen you in a long while. They don't remember 237 lbs or size 16. They remember stories and experiences around you and a vague idea of your body size.

Anyways, I am still freaked out when somebody gushes all over it but I am ok with normal voiced comments and compliments.

Does that make any sense?

Great thread! I haven't lost enough weight for people to say anything. Although not too long ago, someone mentioned something, and i was surprised. I guess maybe I lost some inches?

I love the compliments. I love hearing how thin I look. I agree that there's a time and a place, though, and at some point, enough is enough.

I have also sort of gone in to hiding. I don't go outside as often. I don't want my neighbors to see me. I even had one neighbor who moved in to the neighborhood think that my husband was divorced because they never saw me. I'm ashamed! I dread running in to people who knew me back when I was thin, since i had lost weight to get there too!

So, I love the compliments (for now).

I'm still reading through the comments but I wanted to respond to this so I'm sorry if someone already pointed this out. But we've lost similar amounts of weight (my starting weight was higher but some of that happened years ago with yo-yoing in between). I think your main issue here is that you're wearing the same clothes!!!!

I can, for instance, still wear one of my favorite pair of size 14 jeans with a good belt (not possible without one). I love those jeans and they don't look very flattering anymore but they are SOOOOOOOOO comfortable that I wear them still. That being said I recently updated my wardrobe a bit (got a nice dress that actually fit, a few new t-shirts and a belt that goes around my waist to show off my figure more) and all of a sudden I started getting a lot of compliments! If you're still in your original clothes from 30+ pounds ago it really does hide your figure. Try going clothes shopping, I'm sure you'll be surprised. ;)

Ok, back to reading...

I'm not rich so I can't be the friend that you speak of but I've lost the vast majority of my weight doing just that (and in about a years time). I also yo-yoed for YEARS and it really took a detox period of getting rid of sugar and white flour for me to start this journey so I'd probably give a similar answer to your friend. She very well could've done it the old fashioned way. ;)

I really wouldn't assume that people will think you had weight loss surgery. I have a number of friends who have lost weight and I only know one who has had WLS she was a lot heavier than just 100lbs overweight and had some major health issues to boot. I don't think most people take WLS lightly so anytime I see someone with a big drop in weight I normally assume they did it through diet and exercise.

Ok, sorry for spamming you with a lot of comments but I've found this thread really interesting and now I'll actually respond to your OP. ;)

On one hand, I've kept my weight loss pretty private. I do talk about some changes I've made in my life (giving up sugar, weight lifting) but I normally never mention that I'm doing those things to lose weight. Like you I just want it to sort of happen organically because I'd kind of like to wipe that image of fat me off of the face of the planet. :p

I have started getting comments, though. Sometimes just posting a picture of myself on FB or even wearing a new outfit has elicited them. Normally, though, they have been from people that know I've made some changes in my life. I was pretty surprised because yesterday I got a comment from a friend of mine that I see often at the gym (she used to be a personal trainer) and she's only known me at about 10-15lbs higher than where I am right now (we moved not too long ago so nobody here has really seen me at my highest) but she was pretty surprised and said she could see the difference. It felt nice because she also knows how much effort I've put into the whole thing.

On the other hand, we're going to a wedding this fall and I'll see people there who haven't seen me since I was well over 200lbs! I'm really excited to see them but nervous too. Will they notice? Will they say anything? Maybe I won't look that different to them? I kind of wish I could just turn off the worrying about it. :dizzy:

Don't ppl on IP loose 100lb in 1year? i think it is possible especially if you are young.

I do think there is a passive/aggressive/jealous type that will go overboard with the astonishment and praise, just to put you down.

Actually, I just thought of this. There is a nicer way to pay a compliment, and I've used this one: "Wow, you've been working out!"

Haha, now that you guys mention it, you're right that comments that are limited to "you look great" are probably best. My mom likes to repeat the winner of, "Now you have a chin!" Implying that I lacked a chin before? Thanks, mum. ;)

Yep, I had a "doubter" whispering behind my back too. She started asking me questions one day at a park--in a round about way she was SUGGESTING I had surgery in front of a group of women. I pulled up my shirt and said--"No surgery scars here but some stretch marks from my babies!" LOL, she wasn't sure what to say.

Hey, and for the record I have a friend that had the surgery. Wow. I wouldn't wish what she went through on anyone! No walk in the park for certain!!!!

:rofl:

That's hilarious, I love that response!

hah well i dont think anybody has thought i had surgery. that's about the only thing i haven't heard though. i hate the comments like "wow you look so good i didn't recognize you!" i actually had a well=meaning friend post that worldwide on my facebook page:(((( i finally had to privately email her and maybe another one or two to say please dont do that:( she understood. at least with her, she lives far away and i have changed my hair color since then but i thought she knew that and could see my current pics. one time i went back to visit at former church, the door greeter man hollered out "well where's the rest of ya!!!" an old country expression about losing weight:((( i was mortified:((((. i've also been quizzed to death on exactly how much weight i have lost. usually i blow it off with an i dont know (sometimes didnt know). but one time i said i dont know and if i did know i wouldnt tell it. this was back in that church choir room with a group of women there. i know she was just interested but i didnt want that kind of topic. like it matters if u lost 20 or 25, or 50 or 55.

i had made a point of not announcing i was trying to lose, except to a few close friends. i was working on other health issues and food/exercise was a part. and i had to wear jackets etc at that church choir/band, so they didn't usually see me in shorts or sleeveless. one time i had my jacket off and a clingy top on, and this man who had rejected me gawked. this is the same guy who had heard me talking about natural food and health supplements etc and felt the need to clarify to me that no, he meant the "natural mother vinegar" when we were talking about apple cider vinegar. so it really is true that your first impression sticks no matter how much they see you lose, do, eat or not eat, after that first impression. one lady in this thread said she was finally able to think of her friend as slim after five years? so if women are like this about their friends, it's no wonder how men see us:(((( now the comments are "and you've kept all that weight off!!!" huh????? so if general people are saying that to me and others about me, there's no telling what men actually thought:(((( it's pretty sickening really. one person (totally married, nothing more than supportive friend) just says to me every time he sees me, emphatically, "you look good!".

i meant to add one reason i dont like people saying i lost weight in front of other people is because to them, i am probably considered overweight since i am not stick thin, so they really wonder well just how big was she????

FYI....quick update. I have recently been getting compliments from people who I have not seen for 3-6 months on my weight loss. The compliments are making me feel great and are a fantastic motivator to keep going!

However, because my weight loss so far has been modest, the compliments are in proportion. It's mainly people saying, "Have you lost weight? You look really skinny! You look really good!" However, if I ever reach my goal weight, the reactions would be much more extreme. They would be the kind of jaw dropping and loud exclamations, like "Wow! You look like you've lost a whole person!" THAT I would find embarrassing.

Actually, I had one similar kind of embarrassing remark in front of a table full of people about 2 weeks ago when someone asked if I had lost a "ton" of weight. It was meant as a compliment, but it called attention to how fat I was before. I know I am overly sensitive...but I can't help it!

I actually did lose 100 lbs. in 10 months by increasing exercise and basically just cutting out all sugar and white flour. I have had many people (acquaintances and "friends") ask if I had surgery and then act as if they didn't believe me when I said "no".

milmin2043 - that is incredible!! People with stories like yours inspire me to keep going....

guacamole-I didn't post that to make you feel badly about your previous post. I just wanted people to know that it indeed is possible, and possible without surgical intervention.

I have had very similar thoughts and feelings to those that you've described. It is embarrassing when people keep loudly announcing how much better you look and how much thinner you are. I truly appreciate the "quiet" compliments but the shouting from across the room I could do without! LOL

Well, had an embarrassing remark about my weight loss for the first time. Actually, the person made the remark to my husband and not to me. Basically, he said that he barely recognized me when he saw me and he encouraged my husband to also start losing weight. It didn't make my husband feel great to be compared or told how overweight he is and it made me wonder how many other people this man made the remark to?

I know it was meant in kindness and concern (for my husband), and I do take it that way. However, there are a few mutual acquaintances we have in common that I feel quite embarrassed knowing that they might, however briefly, be discussing the subject of my weight. It's like, I don't want them to know I was ever fat - like that's something a person can hide! Overeating is the one vice/addiction/obsession that can't be hidden. At least, the consequences can't be hidden! I'm so irrational that way.

I feel like I have multiple personalities on the topic of my weight! Sometimes I enjoy compliments and even feel slighted if I don't receive any, while other times I don't want any comments or compliments at all!

ETA - Rereading my post I think I hit upon something. When a person is overweight, most people will not comment about their weight (not talking about mothers or sisters or spouses who have some sort of vested interest in your health/appearance). If people don't have anything nice to say, they don't say anything at all. However, once you start to lose weight, it's like people can finally acknowledge the elephant that's been in the room all this time. It's almost a relief that people can finally say, "Wow you were so fat! I am so glad you finally had the will power to lose the weight!" People think it isn't hurtful because you were fat in the past - it's kind of like they have permission to talk smack about a person who no longer exists. Except that the person IS you - and all it takes is a few rough weeks of binging to put you back in the fat category again. The difference is, now you know what people were really thinking about you. It would be much harder to go back to my high weight now that all my fears about people "noticing" how fat and unattractive I looked have been confirmed.

Does that make sense?

I have people in my life who swear I was never overweight and THAT drives me crazy 'cause I live and breathe maintenance and fitness and am proud of my achievements over a period of more than 16 years in the area of weight management.

People are so funny. I don't care what they think. I only care what I think and what my doctor thinks and what my knees think. :)

Ok....after getting about 5 comments over the weekend from people who haven't seen me for a short while, I have a new perspective. Even though I am NOWHERE near close to my goal weight, people are starting to comment that I look like I have lost a "ton" of weight and that even my face looks completely different (I don't really see this).

Basically, they are implying that I have lost lots of weight in a very short time period - because I have seen most of these people over the last 3 or 4 months and they didn't notice any weight loss back then - at least they didn't say anything to me. However, those who know me on here and know my start date on 3FC, know that I have been working at this for the last 1 1/2-2 years.

Because I know about my journey, I think that because I was so overweight before, that losing 10, 20, even 30 pounds did not make a big difference in my appearance. It is only now that I am hovering at about a 40 lb weight loss (about half of what I need to lose) that people are noticing.

So, I think that I also did the same thing when others around me lost a lot of weight. I only noticed they were losing when they were on the last leg of their journey, or at their goal weight. In the beginning when the weight loss was modest, I didn't notice. Therefore, I assumed they dropped all the weight in the last 3 or 4 months that I saw them, when really, they had been losing for what could have been 1 year or more. So, now I get a taste of my own medicine! But you know what? I'll take it, even if people do assume I have been doing some kind of crazy crash diet. At least I am losing and moving toward my goal, and I know that I have been doing it gradually and sensibly.