When advice is ignored and yet they continue to complain...
My mom is the definition of the yo yo dieter...and she's at her highest again. So watching me lose, while proud of course, has been a little hard for her and she's always telling me how jealous she is. I can also see her kind of waiting for me to regain, as she is the yo yo dieter, but that's an entirely different thread.
Anyway, we walk together every week and of course the conversation always turns to weight loss, health or fitness at some point. And she's always complaining about her weight, so I'm always offering advice and letting her borrow my cookbooks, etc. Yet, she has not made any changes or taken any advice. I let her vent anyway because I can obviously understand how hard it is. This week I finally said, you should really try those recipies I gave you and she said, yeah but it's just so hard to get started. Ok, I can accept that so I said - Well, just start with one meal, how about dinner and make enough for left overs and then you'll already have two meals covered because you can eat the left overs for lunch the next day. She says, yeah I just can't afford it. Granted she is very low income, but I'm sorry I can't afford just isn't an excuse. She basically is saying she can't afford meat, so I say, well use the vegetarian recipes and she jokingly/lovingly tells me to shut up. So I just left it there.
My major issue is that she says she can't afford to buy meat...yet she'll buy meat for her dog. Her dog is like her second child and she insists on feeding her raw food because of her disposition to cancer and supposedly this helps prevent it. Her last dog, same breed, died of cancer and it was very tramatic for my mom. Anyway, you get the point. Obviously, I should just stop bringing the topic up, or shying away when she brings it up...and I can't say well, if you're not going to at least try my advice quit complaining, she'd freak out, but I'm just getting a little frustrated and of course I just feel her pain, even if it is slightly self inflicted.
I have a "yo-yo" mom too, and although she will complain about being fat, she won't do anything about it until she's darn good and ready. I think the difference is that she still has the attitude about it being a temporary thing - one "goes on a diet" to lose weight, but why does it all come back when you go back to regular food?
My mom's always lived her life on the edge - been the rebel, raised ****, ate what she wanted, smoked up until last year, and still drinks too much. I think she sees healthy eating as some form of submission to some unnamed authority.
I don't have a solution for you, or even a suggestion. When my mom whines or grumbles about her weight, I just give her a smile and/or hug, and say, "You know I'll support you any way you want when you're ready."
I have a person like that in my life too. She actually really worries me but I never say anything.
One of my best friends is fairly obese and while I was never obese, I was fairly overweight. Ever since I lost my excess weight, she treats me kind of differently. Out of no where she'll just be looking at me and say stuff like "I hate you for how skinny you are now..." and "I wish I could lose weight like you" and I know she doesnt actually hate me (shes also expressed how proud she is of me) but my weight loss is obviously on her mind sometimes to pull out random comments now.
Shes asks for advice, usually right after one of her comments. I of course just tell her to tried and true healthy diet and exercise, calories in vs. out concept that I followed. She vows she's going to commit to living better.
Sometimes not even hours later shes back to her horrible eating habits.
What worries me is that shes definitely an apple body type and carries a lot of her excess fat in her stomach and I'm hoping she'll stick to her commitment one day.
Totally agree, as of course, I've been there. I tried for years to "get started", but until I was "ready" it just wasn't going to happen. I think mostly I just feel so bad for her, because I understand what's she's going through.
She's never understood "maintenance", and I'm hoping that I can be that example for her that helps her finally understand what "maintenance" means and stop this yo yo!
If buying meat is the issue can she afford to buy meat in bulk when it's super cheap? There are also many programs out there that can help. If you live in California, Nevada, or Arizona www.thetreasurebox.org sells boxes of food for $32 a month that include meat and other foods for $32 a month. A month's supply is supposed to feed one person. Can't beat that! And if she just wants to order meat she can pay $32 for a meat only package that should last her quite a while
If buying meat is the issue can she afford to buy meat in bulk when it's super cheap? There are also many programs out there that can help. If you live in California, Nevada, or Arizona www.thetreasurebox.org sells boxes of food for $32 a month that include meat and other foods for $32 a month. A month's supply is supposed to feed one person. Can't beat that! And if she just wants to order meat she can pay $32 for a meat only package that should last her quite a while
Wow! I've not heard of this (and I'm in California). Thanks for sharing the information.
What most of us don't realize is that we haven't just been there, we still ARE there, but in other areas of our lives. There's always some area of our lives in which we envy another person's success, but aren't able or willing to follow their path to success in that area. For one reason or another (some legitimate, some not), their well-intended advice or even their good example, seems impractical or impossible. All which sound like excuses to the person giving the advice or providing the example.
It's only in the areas we've mastered, that we experience such frustration that our good advice going unheeded.
My sister is a dietitian, who has only ever had a very slight weight problem after each of her pregancies. She is frustrated that I don't heed all of her great advice (and most of it is pretty good, some of it just won't work for my life or personality. Though I've found ways that work, that she doesn't understand at all. She's very concerned that I've drastically limited grains, but I've done the research, and I'm comfortable with it).
However, I'm equally frustrated that she doesn't follow my financial advice (not that hubby and I are financial wizards, we've just learned a lot of tips for living well on the tightest of budgets).
We both complain that the other "just doesn't understand" our personal situations - and to a degree we're both right. We also are both to a degree "making excuses."
I'm sorry it seems to go in one ear and out the other, ncuneo. It's so tough hearing "I can't do it" from the people we look up to, especially when we're worried for their health. My dad is a former bodybuilder who has just let himself go and he often complains about it. He knows all the right things to do but he isn't taking the necessary steps to make the change.
At least you're walking with your mom and spending time together. She'd be even worse off without that.
My Mom is the same way (you and I seem to have alot in common LOL).....She is constantly complaining about her weight and trying a new "diet" but never sticks with it. She always asks me about calorie counting and says she is starting today, but then I go over there and she's always making brownies or pies LOL I guess you have to get to the point of wanting it SO bad you will do whatever it takes.
My mother is just not motivated enough to turn weight loss into a project that is central to her life & to make a sustained effort at it.
I'm afraid it may take a big scare about her health to finally make her do something.
She is stubborn & very hard-working, traits which would serve her well. But she doesn't like to cook or spend much time in food preparation. She's all about the convenience packaged stuff.
She may have some form of attention deficit disorder & would not stand for focusing on doing the math of calorie counting or researching calorie counts. Also she is not fond of reading for sustained periods. She probably wouldn't do the reading that would help her learn about nutrition & etc. I can't imagine her reading a diet book from cover to cover. Maybe she reads one book every two years. For her to settle in & do that, it would take a tremendous effort which I don't see her making.
Basically, it isn't going to happen.
I can model behaviors & cook healthily for her when we're together, since she really likes delegating cooking duties & I actually enjoy cooking. But I just don't see her picking it up & carrying it the rest of the way.
I'd love to be pleasantly surprised but I know her too well.
Maybe I'm just in a grumpy mood today, so take it with a grain of salt...
Remember when you were of a certain young age and everything your parents said was irritating? Like, who needed their rules and judgments?
OK, now put yourself in your mom's place, and fast forward. Now that kid who wouldn't pick up her clothes and straighten her room is on your case. And you can tell she disapproves. Makes you want to pick up a baseball bat...
I don't have children, but I am old enough to be some of you folks' mother, and I just want to tell you to mind your own business and for heavens sake clean up your room!
ncuneo, stop having that same conversation if you don't like the outcome. Next time your mother brings up weight loss, change the subject! You could even go so far as to say, "Oh, I'm tired of talking about weight loss. It's so boring! Let's talk about the Academy Awards." Or whatever!
Most advice about weight loss is futile, regardless of who has asked for it. The best advice I can offer is, don't talk about it! If people ask, sure, give them the short version. If they then don't follow through, tough! It's their life!
When advice is ignored and yet they continue to complain...
