Your little friend from Tennessee? Well,
technically not little, but you know what I mean.
I've had you guys on my minds for the last several days now, so I thought I'd hop over here and see how things were going. It was so nice to skim down the page and recognize some familiar faces. (or avatars, as it were)
Things are pretty much the same around here..... busy, busy, busy.
After working almost
four pitiful years as a
temp 
at his company, dh was FINALLY hired full time and as agrivated as we are that it took so long, we are even more thrilled. I guess we shouldn't complain though because there are far many others that have been there longer than him that are still a temp.
His new job is amazing. He is a quality technician (basically an auditor) and he has his own office and all the perks. He even has a company paid for cell phone. I suppose he thinks his $hit don't stank now!
Best of all..... we finally have insurance!! Glorious, glorious insurance so now I get to go to all those lovely doctor visits.
Now, I guess we should address the weight issue because as we all know.... it's always looming there somewhere. Basically, I suck. I don't think I could stay OP to save my life, which ironically..... would do that. I've been in horrible shape here lately. My ankles have been swolen for a month and I just can't seem to get them to go down. My Dr. gave me some lasix (water pills) and they help.... but they're still swolen like you wouldn't believe. Some days, it looks like I have elephantitis.
I am HUGELY out of shape too. I can barely walk around leisurely in Walmart without breaking into a pouring sweat. My bp has been really high too.
My Dr. ran lots of bloodwork, but the only thing he could find was that my cholesterol is too high. It was 252. I suppose I should be thankful that is all he found, but my bp is still pretty high.
So, I guess the main reason I've stopped by is to tell you that I've made a decision. If everything works out, I'm going to have WLS. (Weight Loss Surgery) I know.... I know. You probably aren't feeling any different than I've felt. I also want to apologize to anyone here that has ever had WLS for my "easy way out" thinking mentality. It is NOT the easy way out.....in truth, it is the hardest decision I have ever had to make.
Am I scared? Of course I am. But I'm more scared to live my life the way I've been living it.... if you can call it that. When I weighed on the doctor's scale last week, it was the first time I ever weighed more than it would register. It only goes up to 355 lbs. so that should tell you something. I weigh more now than I've ever weighed in my life.
And the fact is..... I just don't have faith in myself anymore. I just don't believe that I can do this without some type of help. I actually found a WW booklet the other day from 1992 and my starting weight was 320 lbs. and here it is..... 12 years later and I weigh 35-40 lbs. more now than I did then.
I have tried every weight loss diet known to man. Weight Watchers, FormU3, Richard Simmon's Deal A Meal, various pills..... Fen Fen, Metabolife, chitosol, various other forms of "dieting"....slimfast, dexatrim, calorie counting, Atkins and South Beach. You name it, I've done it. The fact is, I'm 34 years old and my life is passing me by. I watch out the window with misery as dh & the boys leave to go camping, baseball games, movies and everything else my weight won't let me do.
Although I may not have expressed my thoughts over the last couple of years, I have thought about WLS off and on.... several times, but I've always let any thought I had about it fall along the wayside because every time I thought about checking into it, I'd read a horror story and it would stop me in my tracks. But you know what? I'm not naive and I know for every bad experience, there are a hundred good ones. You don't hear about all the thousands of people that have had the surgery and are leading happy lives for the first time in their life, you hear about the one that went awry. It's kinda like rottweilers. You don't hear about all the ones that are used as police dogs to help keep the public safe. You don't hear about the ones that visit the sick and elderly or lead the blind. You hear about the
one that wasn't trained properly and it hurt someone.
In case you're wondering however, I haven't completely lost my mind. I am NOT having the gastric bypass. If all works out ok, I will be having lap band surgery. If you're interested, here are a couple of links:
This is the doctor I've chosen to do the surgery:
Dr. Ponce
He is the head physician at the Gastric Banding Institute:
Gastric Band Institute
I have researched this long and hard and I actually feel quite fortunate that this doctor is in the next town, only about 20 minutes away. Some people have traveled from all over the United States to have their surgery performed by this doctor.
Lap Band surgery is far less invasive than gastric bypass, not to mention it is completely reversible, there is no cutting of the abdominal wall and ALL my organs stay intact. Worst case scenario..... the band "slips" or erodes and it can be taken out.
I still have TONS to do before this will even come to pass though. My doctor was actually the one who brought it up to me at my last visit with him. Although as some of you might remember.... I don't make it a habit to go to the doctor often,
anytime I have ever been to the doctor, it has been to Dr. Swan. He is a
wonderful physician. No matter if it's the 1st or the 101st time he's seen you, he always walks in, takes your hand to shake it and then lays his other hand on top of yours, looks right at you and says, "Hi Tina (or whoever), how are you today?" He never makes you feel like you are "Patient #101" of the day. He never rushes you or makes you feel stupid. He sits down and listens to everything you have to say and you never feel like he's got a ton of others waiting on him..... he makes you feel like you are the only one in the office.
Anyways..... as I'm sitting there on the examining table, telling him about my ankles, back pain, profuse sweating, chest & left arm pain and he's listening and asking me questions back, he asks the one thing that almost made me fall off the examining table..... He said, "Tina, I've seen you three times in the last four years and the lowest weight we've seen you at was 302 lbs. Have you ever thought about WLS?" Now... I KNOW there are no guarantees. I KNOW that he can't promise me anything. But I also know that in the past when I have inquired about certain weight loss pills, he has discouraged me. I know that he can't promise me that everything will be alright, but the fact that he would even suggest it, really got me to thinking.
SO..... I started doing some research. As a matter of a fact, I've become addicted to every website there is on lap band surgery. I've went to a lap band message board that is just for people who've had surgery or are thinking about it and have asked every question and read every topic that I can.
This is not something that I decided overnight. There have been many deciding factors. The largest of which is the actual doctor that would be performing my surgery and the fact that one of my oldest friends just had it done by the same doctor and by a twist of fate did I even hear about it. I've known this lady since I was probably 8 years old but since we switched churches years and years ago, I haven't seen her in a very long time. After I started looking into it, I heard quite by accident that she had it and she has been quite the voice of support and has answered question after question for me.
As I was saying though..... I still have a VERY long way to go. I'm going to visit my PCP next Thursday and inform him of my decision.... so he can write the letter of medical necessity. The bariatric surgeon I've chosen requires you to attend one of his seminars before you schedule an appt for the initial consultation, so I have to wait till July 22nd before I can even do that. Then after the initial consultation, if all goes well..... we have to submit everything to the insurance company and that's when the real struggle begins.
More than likely, no matter how many health problems I have.... no matter how many years I've tried to lose weight and failed, I will probably get denied and then we'll have to appeal. Probably half or even more have to appeal.
Then.....
if all goes well with the insurance company, we go through all the pre-surgery stuff, up until the big day. All in all, I'm quite sure I won't have the surgery till sometime in 2005. It is quite frustrating for me, but I must learn patience... something I don't have a lot of.
I guess the bottom line is.... I'm tired of living my life this way and I just don't have faith in myself anymore. I just don't think I can try again.... because somewhere in the back of my mind, I know I'll fail again. I know that no matter how well I do, how strong I am.... how MUCH I believe I'm going to do it
this time.... there just never is a "this time". "This time"... turns into "next time" and "next time" turns into "tomorrow" and "tomorrow" turns into "Monday" and "Monday" turns into.............. NEVER.
So, before I waste anymore precious time, before I lose another second with my dh and boys, I'm going to fight, with everything I have, because the moment I enter the operation room, I change my life forever. I am not ashamed of any of the choices I have made just as I am not ashamed that I have a problem with food.
I hope you keep me in your thoughts and prayers and I sure would like to come back and visit with you.
P.S. Tony STILL rocks!!!
300+ And Ready To Try Again...#540
in you???? 
workout trainer.
Gotta run...I need just a few hours sleep and I'll be good to go. I'm off now til Saturday night. 
I pray this will be the one to work. GOOD LUCK !!!!
Hey...hey, remember me?
You'll have to ask him to write out his crock pot recipes for us. I figured I'd ask you, but it seems like YOU don't cook much. 
Good night all.
