Having said that I believe that I have responsibility for my behaviors and that its up to me to make this work, I did score almost in the external WLOC too.

I have a tendency to want to blame others for when I fail to stick to the plan. Especially DH when I feel like he's not helping me avoid my trigger foods. It is a rationalization when I'm not doing as well as I want. But it is superficial because all the while I'm blaming him, I do know deep down that I truly am the one to blame.

But there's that blame word which is a problem with being internal WLOC. No more blame. I made choices that were not choices to help me achieve my goal. No more dwelling on what I haven't achieved and could have.

No more blaming DH for choosing foods that are not in our best health interests. I don't have to eat it or I could choose to eat small portions. Those are the choices I can make.

I have not realized how self-condemnation is the very root of my internal dialogue.

I'll do the internal dialogue audit tomorrow. We have a potentially dangerous storm heading our way and DH won't quit interrupting me so that I can finish this. I'm headed down to unplug the computer.

Internal diagolue audit:

How do I feel about:

My appearance:
I at times am comfortable with my appearance. But I am mostly self-conscious about how I look. I am very self-conscious about fat rolls around my mid-section. I didn't used to wear shorts or sleeveless but I have long gotten over that. I do dress to try to camoflage the some of the rolls but I feel worse if its too baggy. I do make myself look in the mirror now and see that I am making changes in my body and acknowledge what I look like.

My body shape:
I have never been happy with my body shape. Big boobs and no shape to hips or butt. I have hated the shape of my body because of the fat rolls and where I carry the fat - my abdomen. But I am seeing something different in the mirror now. I see the shape changing. I see the muscles developing and I like what I see.

Everything else:
I mostly feel disappointment about my body shape, my weight, my ability to control my weight, my exercise level, etc. I am disappointed that I let myself get in this shape. Disappointed in that my body will never look great naked again. I am embarassed by the stretch marks and how I have damaged my body. I wish I could undo what I've done and make it as if I were never overweight - but I can't.

I am going to put my clothes on and go to work and feel great about my body. I have made big changes in the last year and a half and I will celebrate those. I will not feel bad anymore about what coulda, shoulda, woulda. I will concentrate on CAN, SHOULD, and WILL do.

Hmmm, Terri - where did you go???? Did you go to look at yourself in the mirror? :D Sure hope it wasn't bad weather.

Lucky - maybe you peeked in right after I had hit submit when I meant to go to the Advanced options?

Step One - Become Aware of Your Faulty Thinking

These are the types of faulty thinking that I have done in the past:

1. Externalizing/Internalizing
"If I'm going to achieve my goals, I've got to work out harder each time".

I do this one when I hit a stall point without really being truthful about my eating. I realized that when I lost weight and was not able to do any cardio work at all.

I'm making myself be realistic about what I can and cannot control. I cannot always control when I get home from work so I'm not going to freak out if I don't get cardio in every night and I'm not going to think I have to work twice as hard to make up.

2. Labeling
As I noted in my journal, I am changing my thinking away from "success" because the flip side of success if "failure". My efforts are not going to be "successful". I am focusing on healthy behaviors and whether or not I exhibit healthful behavior. If I do, the result will be a leaner, healthier body.

3. Frustration Thinking
"It's too hard. It's easier to stay fat. I can't be bothered with exercise".
"One reason you persist in it is its payoff; you're avoid frustration and discomfort".

I know I have had this in the past. Because that deep down, I would feel that I was not going to be successful anyway, I have let that frustration sabotage my efforts. No more - uncomfortable or not, I'm changing my way of life.

4. Fortune Telling
"Your self-talk makes predictions about your performance, and when negative, this prediction tends to be a doom-and-gloom type prophecy."

See note above about deep down doubt and negative prophecy. Been there, done that.

5. All or Nothing Thinking
I try to avoid this but I do sometimes think that since I have already eaten one of something, that its okay to eat more. I don't necessarily go on binges but don't stick with just one of something.

6. Catastrophizing
This one I don't have a problem with. I may get mad about gaining a pound but it isn't high melodrama. The anger comes from knowing that I haven't done all that I could have done.

7. Pipe Dreaming
"Entertain fantasies of having the perfect body".

I'm just the opposite. I know I'll never have the perfect body which I think has held me back because of not knowing what my body will look like and will I be disappointed and unhappy with the result. You know...all the skin and stretch marks.

8. Gut Level Reasoning
That feeling "I feel fat" wrecks havoc on my thoughts. Because I knew that I must have looked huge.

9. Self-Downing
"When you come down on yourself, your internal dialogue cranks up its volume, becoming so loud that it crowds our other, more relevant and truthful information.

You start condemning yourself for not succeeding, or obsessing about what you didn't do or could have done better."

No explanation needed - GUILTY as charged.

10. Poor Me Thinking
"....feeling deprived or out of the fear of getting hungry."

I used to have this. I think this is one of the reasons I started overeating as a child. I remember Dad always got the seconds no matter how hungry any one else would be. Which now, makes sense because he was the working adult...but it was something about the way he acted about it. He was obsessed with food too.

"Its not fair that other people can eat cream puffs all day and I can't."
I know I've had those thoughts.

Wow, now I'm aware of all the types of faulty thinking I have had in the past and present.

Onward to Step 2 tomorrow.

I did make a discovery Tuesday night.

Right after I get home is my most dangerous time. It is when I can easily talk myself out of exercising and easily talk myself into eating.

I had to call my uncle and we talked for half an hour. Afterwards I realized all my “I’ve worked hard and am tired and deserve to just sit on the couch” thoughts were gone. So, I just have to find around 30 people I can call at night when I get home!!!

We had storms last night so I turned off the computer.

Also, I have company this weekend, my niece graduates and then Memorial Day. Whew!!!!

My one Aunt called to see if I could re-sod my other aunts grave before Monday!!! :dizzy:

All that to say I might be behind in my reading this week. But never fear I will catch up! :D