I've been a member for a few months; however, I've not posted since March. I've been dealing with a lot in every facet of my life, but who hasn't. For many years, a particular question has been puzzling me: Why do I continue to attract people who are users and abusers? Last night I finally received the answer to that question right before I dumped my so-called boyfriend of 4 years.
The answer: If you suffer from low self-esteem, you will suffer fools to be in your life.
Now don't get me wrong. I've known this answer for quite some time; I had just never received it and applied it to my own life. In fact, I've been known to have offered this piece of enlightenment to others. However, like most overweight people who have been overweight their entire lives, I am programmed to please in order to be accepted and to be included into society. In truth, I've been walking around in life wearing an invisible sign that all predators can read a mile off, "I apologize for being so fat and disgusting and will do almost anything for your acceptance and for a sense of belongingness."
Last night, I had to face my fears and the truth and show my Ex the door to exit my life. I had allowed him to waste too much of my time and resources. Yes, it's frightening being alone, especially if you're in a big city and the only person you know just walked out of your life forever. Nevertheless, I'm prepared to gird up my proverbial loins and to begin loving and parenting myself. I will become my own best friend. And I pray, I will attract the right people who will make good and positive friends to have in my life.
Since May 17th, I've lost 5lbs of my own weight. However, last night I dropped 190lbs of dead weight when I showed my Ex the door. Although I grieve the loss of my hopes for the relationship. My heart feels lighter and some of the anxiety I've been experiencing has decreased. Now, I can effectively face all of the challenges that I need to face without his complicated and disapproving presence.
I love, love, LOVE your new outlook on life! I know it is a hard thing to accept, but with time, you will learn to not suffer those fools. You are worthy of befriending just for who you are!
I have been in the same place, and felt exactly the same when I dropped 240 lbs. of X-husband from my life. It takes time to create and nurture good relationships. And the first one to work on is the one you have with yourself.
I had to get rid of A LOT of dead weight in the last five years. I seem to have collected all sorts of people who needed me to remain fat and co-dependent. There were some that really put up an ugly fuss! It was hard not to hear them. Finally learned to turn up the music instead! Had to listen to some good old "F-You!" type music for a couple years. Whitestripes, Jet, The Killers, The Strokes and The Black Keys. I must be feeling safer and stronger, because I'm listening to a much wider variety of stuff now.
And I'm celebrating my own sense of femininity and womanliness, for my own pleasure, by listening and dancing to Middle Eastern belly dance music. Love it!
Looking forward to hearing how you are going to assert yourself even further! Go girl!
thank you for loving yourself enough to make a great choice, like with any recovery, whether its drugs or alcohol, or where we are now with food and weight... Realization and a desire to change are the biggest keys to success...
and while you maybe alone in that big city, you are not alone... you have an amazing support system here... Private message me if you want to exchange emails or fb or whatever. I have been there, and I learned to love myself, I would be honored to be part of your journey!
My goodness, I'm going to break my own confidence at this time. Last night I mentioned in my journal that I couldn't even cry about my situation. Things hurt too bad for tears. But you guys understanding my situation and offering your support have made the waterworks turn on like a flood. (Yes, snot streaming too.) Which is fine because I needed a good cry. Not being able to cry actually scared me. All I can say is thank you for understanding. Thank you for sharing your experiences, feelings and ideas, and thank you for your encouragement.
I'm moving forward with my quest for achieving physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental wellness. I'm just so glad that I can find a support system here on 3FC.
That is awesome! You are a strong, powerful woman making tremendous strides in wellness. CONGRATULATIONS! I know it wasn't easy and there will still be tough days ahead but you are off to a great start!!!!
I hope everyone is getting along well today. This morning I arose and asked God to make today an "easy-does-it" day. He has been faithful, and today was not difficult or dramatic, so I'm grateful and thankful. I just didn't have the energy or the resources to cope with high-maintenance people or the drama they bring. These past few weeks I have been inundated with people bringing to me major personal problems such as drug addiction, apartment evictions, pennilessness, job loss and hunger.(No, I'm not a social worker; I'm a technical instructor.) I think God presented these people to me in order to see if I have learned anything about my screwed-up patterns and my warped sense of responsibility. I've begun to learn how to not claim other people's problems and take them on as if they are my problems. I'm beginning to place myself in check when I start to jump into superhero mode the moment someone presents me with his or her concerns. I was brought up to believe that we were placed on this Earth to assist people and to be a blessing to our neighbor. However, I have been learning that first you must have the means to render the assistance and/or the blessing. If you do not have the means, you shouldn't feel guilty about not being able to provide assistance to the person in need. Yes, I still feel guilty when I have to say no to someone who seems to be in trouble. I know that I shouldn't because it isn't logical and the uncomfortable feeling of guilt has caused me to act irresponsibly in the past in order to help the person in need and to avoid the feeling of guilt. This is definitely something I'm working on, so I'm still not quite comfortable with this new learned behavior. Nevertheless, I have noticed that putting away my superhero cape has alleviated some of the daily stress and anxiety I've been experiencing. Today, a colleague called me today (she never calls unless she wants something) wanting me to fix a problem that was not mine to fix. I suppressed my urge to take her and her problem in hand and make everything sunshine again. Instead I gave her sound advice and instruction. I could tell that she was expecting me to do more for her; nevertheless, I firmly believe that she should learn to do her job in the same manner that I learned to do mine.
All in all, the day was good, and I'm glad to be back home. In truth, I do miss talking to my Ex, but every time I feel lonesome, I remind myself of how insecure and inadequate he could always make me feel. I don't miss that at all. And since I know that all of these negatives come with him as a package deal, I think I can refrain from dialing his number or answering his calls.
I want to thank you guys for listening to my report on the day. I know that it was long-winded, but I just had to get it out of my head and heart.
Glad yesterday went well. I'm sure you will miss your Ex but it sounds like you have exactly the right focus! Praying for another day of less stress and anxiety!!
I hope everyone is getting along well today. This morning I arose and asked God to make today an "easy-does-it" day. He has been faithful, and today was not difficult or dramatic, so I'm grateful and thankful. I just didn't have the energy or the resources to cope with high-maintenance people or the drama they bring. These past few weeks I have been inundated with people bringing to me major personal problems such as drug addiction, apartment evictions, pennilessness, job loss and hunger.(No, I'm not a social worker; I'm a technical instructor.) I think God presented these people to me in order to see if I have learned anything about my screwed-up patterns and my warped sense of responsibility. I've begun to learn how to not claim other people's problems and take them on as if they are my problems. I'm beginning to place myself in check when I start to jump into superhero mode the moment someone presents me with his or her concerns. I was brought up to believe that we were placed on this Earth to assist people and to be a blessing to our neighbor. However, I have been learning that first you must have the means to render the assistance and/or the blessing. If you do not have the means, you shouldn't feel guilty about not being able to provide assistance to the person in need. Yes, I still feel guilty when I have to say no to someone who seems to be in trouble. I know that I shouldn't because it isn't logical and the uncomfortable feeling of guilt has caused me to act irresponsibly in the past in order to help the person in need and to avoid the feeling of guilt. This is definitely something I'm working on, so I'm still not quite comfortable with this new learned behavior. Nevertheless, I have noticed that putting away my superhero cape has alleviated some of the daily stress and anxiety I've been experiencing. Today, a colleague called me today (she never calls unless she wants something) wanting me to fix a problem that was not mine to fix. I suppressed my urge to take her and her problem in hand and make everything sunshine again. Instead I gave her sound advice and instruction. I could tell that she was expecting me to do more for her; nevertheless, I firmly believe that she should learn to do her job in the same manner that I learned to do mine.
I just wanted to say this is SO inspiring. I too struggle with the same issue you do regarding this, and it really is a constant struggle for me. I have to learn to live with (or ignore) that gross feeling I get inside when I just cannot help anyone further than I should, or if someone is being passive-aggressive with me because of me not fufilling their needs. The urge to respond to "make it all better" is so huge in me that I honestly feel this gross feeling when I can't do it.
I especially love the way you asked God to make it a "easy does it day". Whenever I concentrate/meditate in the morning and set my intention for the day, it actually DOES work and keeps me grounded.
As I've been reading people's posts and blogs, I've noticed a very common theme. All of us have had to "let go" of people and/or learned behaviors in order to move forward in our recovery. Initially, it may feel like we're losing out, and it's scary because those people and behaviors have been such a large and familiar part of our lives. Freedom is frightening because it is unpredictable. And if you're like me, you want to know for sure what the future holds for you. Over the past 2 years I've been dealing with a lot of uncertainty. Presently, with this latest relationship demise, my sense of uncertainty has grown exponentially. However, knowing that others have experienced this and have improved their lives afterwards has given me some hope. I want to thank you guys for sharing your thoughts, experiences, and coping skills with those of us who are still trying to see our way through.
gamechanger, I'm so proud of you and you are certainly living up to your online identity! This decision is indeed a gamechanger, my dear. In your words I see myself. Others do as well I'm sure. If you're interested and have the time, check out the following website. It's a goldmine of sage advice and insight from a woman who has been there, done that and wants to teach us all how to stop doing it. I found it in the midst of my own unhealthy relationship and break-up and it helped me tremendously.
The transition might be a bit lonely, but in the end, it is WAY better to be by yourself than with someone toxic. That is so fantastic that you were able to let go and move forward with your life. So inspiring.
Curvy, thanks for turning me onto baggagereclaim. The lady is really insightful. I saw a few of her YouTube videos and read a couple of her blogs (articles). One in particular hit me square on the head, "The People Pleaser Diet." It was like she had been spying on me. I realized from reading this thing that my Ex is my mother in masculine form. I've got to break the habit of choosing emotionally unavailable men who can't be pleased ever. Yes, major work has to be done. Thanks again for the "heads-up."
Nancy, thank you for your encouragement and your honesty. At this point, relationships are off limits until I can learn to love, honor, and value myself. I've got a lot of deprogramming and reprogramming to do. Thanks again for your reassurance.
Dropping Dead Weight
