I've been here before. I've posted about how horrible things can be. I've reached out. I've researched. I've given up.

I'm back.

I am a 37 year old female. Wife. Mommy.

I am 5'4"... and I weight 335 pounds. I feel like I'm dying.

I am sick. I feel my body giving up on me. And I feel my heart giving up on me too.

I am so sad about what I've done to myself. And I really am at the bottom, I believe. I don't know what to do.

I can't breathe. I sweat all the time. I can't even keep up with my husband and children, walking through a parking lot. My back hurts all the time. My chest hurts. My heart pounds so fast, just walking up one flight of stairs... therefore I try NOT to go to my children's bedrooms. I cannot play outside with them. I cannot keep up with my chores around the house. I cannot stand up long enough to make a decent dinner. If I walk too far, or too fast, my heart pounds out of control, I sweat, and I get a little dizzy... feels like I'm drowning. I've let go of friends. I won't leave the house. I don't have any clothes that fit. I can't sleep. I'm tired ALL the time. My poor body aches all the time. I have one knee that I KNOW is giving up on me. My back... my knees... my feet... my heart...

I am THE FAT MOM. At school, at sports, in public.

I have a wonderful family. My life is passing me by. It makes me feel desperate, just typing this post.

I am addicted to food. I am a MAJOR binge eater. I have no self-control.

I am scared.

I am sad... depressed. I feel my life slipping away from me.

We have no money... not for surgeries, personal trainers, gyms, etc...

Can anyone relate? Has anyone been in my shoes, where I am now? Can anyone relate to my pain?

I am heartbroken. This is ALL MY FAULT. I cannot blame anyone but myself. And I have NO excuses.

But I don't know what to do now. I can't get control. I want to give up. I want my husband and my kids to move on with their lives without feeling like they have to feel sorry for me... or ashamed of me.

I just want to disappear.

This worries me.

If you are so low you feel suicidal, stop reading and call the hotline NOW. Or call 911.

1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Yes. Up to and including suicidal. There is no shame in getting help! You are not the first and won't be the last to need a helping hand in their life.

When I was past the mental health crisis and looking at the physical side... I was you once there too. Only I was a broke college student without a dx. I was too broke to even buy a scale to see exactly where I was at in weight. But I have a photo -- and I know I was way obese! And I couldn't afford health care at the time so I did all in my power that was free or low cost until I had the money to seek a dx!

I changed to drinking water. I started walking out of my apartment and joined people in the pool of my apartment complex for free water aerobics with the retirees. I was fat, but I was young, and all the little old ladies were great and inclusive and made me feel like the class super athlete. LOL. The water made it so I didn't feel sweaty and "hid" me and was easy on joints.

My stairs winded me too. I hated doing up and down more then absolutely necessary. I made it my business to go up and down more! Sometimes like a dog crawling up because I couldn't take walking normal up. But I went. Sometimes sitting midway to pant and rest!

I started eating more produce and cut the obvious junk. I read things at the library. You don't have to be a genius to know that eating a bag of M&Ms in one sitting is not healthy. So I stopped it.

If you own stairs -- go up there and visit the kids. Draw them a picture and deliver it personally! Nobody is saying to go run a marathon with them this instant. But you can go draw them a stick person in a heart or something and take it to them to show them you thought about them. My kid can run circles around me right now. I'm still obese and not in a good a shape as her but I can play board games fine or take an easy walk fine. We read together.

NO it won't be easy. YES you are going to get winded and tired. So what? Start where you are and work with what you have. If you are not at a place where you can lose weight... celebrate not GAINING more!

Do bicep curls with canned beans. Can do 1 and get tired? Do the one then! Later down the road do 2.

Take a general multi. Spend time in the sun. Even if you can't check yet if vitamin deficiency is causing the depression, you can probably afford to buy some when you next grocery shop.

C'mon. Talk to yourself better. Don't feed the bad dog. Just kicking that type of self talk out relieves so much burden!
Stop going on about what you cannot do and talking down to yourself. That can't be good for your depression.

Look around you. Accept this is where your starting gate is at. Make peace with it. Then with a sense of wonder, check out your own house. "I wonder if I can..." and then give it a whirl. Start finding reasons to talk yourself UP.

Learn to give yourself props for the EFFORT -- being willing to try and make some mistakes. But still try! Yay for trying! And learn to STOP focussing on results only.

You may still need a check up later, and maybe even medication, and that is fine. Just give yourself a for trying to do what you CAN do now... NOW!

A.

Jen Jen -what a powerful post, you should try writing, if even just for a journal.

I can relate. I am 46 and about 307. I have been as high as 350, likely, and I was basically housebound at that time. I had no job and no education. This was in my early 30's. Since that time I have lost a little weight but the main difference is I was able to go to school in evenings and get a good job. I have developed good friendships by getting out into the world, at work and at school. I found a therapist that is covered by health insurance.
I know many others will weigh in with good advice. I have none. I can only say do not give up on yourself. Every day you breather, laboured or not, is a day you can change your life. Start small. I am 303 and swim, and walk and live life. Yes I want more but I will not let my weight shut me away from the world and all the good that can be found in it.
Best of luck.

Don't give up.

It is scary but try to take one small step today in the right direction.

I gave up soda twelve years ago. I was totally addicted. I still struggle with my weight but I know it would be worse if I still drank it.

So take one small healthy step today. Just for today. Do it (whatever it is).
Then pat yourself on the back for that small step.

Tomorrow you can make a small choice of some sort again. But just focus on this first small step.

Truly the small steps matter. They say that losing a little bit of weight you will feel better. Or moving a little bit more.

Just hang in there. You are worth it. I know it is hard. I am a binge eater too.

First and foremeost...you need to see a doctor to have your heart and blood sugar checked. You need to make sure you don't have any major medical problems. You may be winded and dizzy because of a medical issue and you have to take care of this before you can take care of yourself. Get the doctor to check you and out...and clear you for exercise. Just knowing that the doctor says its ok to exercise will clear your mind and ease fears of moving more.

Then...I say walk. Its free, its always available, and its easy. Start as slow as you need to. Walk to the end of the block today, twice tomorrow, and around the block when you feel like you can. If its raining, or too hot or too cold, walk in place in your living room. Look up Leslie Sansone on YouTube. Her workouts are super easy and you can follow at your own pace. You can even start in a chair if thats easier on your knee. The idea is to just move. The more you do it the easier it gets, and the more confident you get.

As far as eating...if you have money to eat crappy food, you have money to eat good food. The best thing you can do for yourself is feed your body healthy, nutrition dense foods. Don't call it a diet....think of it as a lifestye change.
All of this will go a long way in helping body and mind. Good food, and exercise will help with depression.
You didn't say if you have health insurance, but you can get into a supervised nutrition program, and they will help steer you in the right direction.

Lastly...come here to 3FC. Chances are there are ALOT of people here who are going through the same things as you or can at least relate to some of the things you are going through. The people here are so incredibly helpful, and supportive and more than anything understanding. A little support goes a long way.
Only you can decide to make changes in your life. And every step you take, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction.

I donīt have anything different really to say than the others did, I just wish I could hug you in person. Never give up on yourself. Your family needs you. Start small, walk up those stairs, then down and up again. Little things everyday. When you feel like binging come on here and talk to us. There is always someone in your similar situation willing to listen to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Big, Big Hugs!!

You are not alone. Never think that! We have been there. I have been there! I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have always been the fat girl. I grew tired of it. Thought about surgery, thought that was my only option. Little was I wrong. All it takes is some self motivation. I never knew I had it. All those years of not living and hiding out, giving up. But I was not going to be that girl anymore. I am 25 and 2 months ago, I was there for the LAST time. I made a lifestyle change. No more fast food (if I do I go for the grilled chicken sandwich on wheat buns no fries or soda!) No more junk food. Drink tons of water (gave up soda a year ago, best decision I have ever made, it was making me sick due to the excess sugar) Eat plenty of lean meats; grilled chicken, turkey, grilled fish/shrimp. NO fried food. Get your greens, veggies and fruit in. If you want a snack eat those granola bars from special k, fiber 1, kashi. They have some yummy ones. I personally like the chocolate pretzel ones (90 cals)

It all starts with dieting. Once you have been eating healthy for a month and have started losing some pounds (they will melt off) you will honestly start feeling better, more energy. That is when you can start to add in exercise. I do not go to the gym. I exercise at home. I started with walking around the block. Then added in dancing (it is fun, and gets me in a sweat) You can also start by going up and down the stairs, try water aerobics (later on) Everything I am doing (exercise wise) is free. Dancing, you can look up videos on youtube and etc.

It all starts with self motivation. You have it, believe me you do. I didn't think I did and I found it. 2 months ago, was the last time I was not going to live my life. I am only 25 and wanted a family and kids of my own. YOU have that! Embrace that. Live for them. Live for yourself.

We believe in you.

If you ever feel like needed someone to talk to, come on here. You are not alone. We are all here for support.

It's awful feeling like that. BTDT. I do want to share how much better I feel when I work out, whether it's just going for a walk or even working out at home. Not only mentally but physically your releasing endorphins and all kinds of other fun stuff that helps with depression. Good luck!

I agree, you have a gift! Embrace it. Maybe blog? My blog helps me so much. It keeps me accountable and I've made a few very good friends in just a couple months.

I started out Jan 1 at 329.2 lbs. I was so miserable. I couldn't go under the hill to feed our dogs or I felt like I would have a heart attack before I got back up. I'd break out in a sweat just by walking through the house. But, here I am.. a little over 2 months later, down 30 lbs and feeling so much better! You can do it too!

I didn't join a program that I had to pay for. I joined My Fitness Pal to count calories. It is free. I just put in my weight, that I was pretty much sedentery, and how much I planned to work out. It told me how many calories I should eat to lose 2 lbs a week.

I cut out fried foods, junk foods like chips, cakes, and ice cream. No eating out that first month and very limited from there on out. No biscuits (as they are a weakness of mine), started drinking water, and cut down on my Diet Coke. I didn't quit the Diet Coke cold turkey. I slowly weaned myself off of it. I would go with one in my hand at all times before Jan 1. Maybe have 3 the first day, 2.5 the next, 2 the next, 1.5 the next, and so on. That way you don't have caffeine withdraws.

Never ever ever give up on your self. You can do this! Don't go into this thinking that you have to only eat salad. That isn't true. You can have lots of food that you enjoy that are healthy. Just work them into your calories.

I decided I would set a goal to walk 1000 miles in 2012. Pretty unrealistic from where I was.. but I was determined to try. That first day I got on my treadmill at home, and walked a mile. I had to stop.. pause.. catch my breath.. and then go on. But I eventually made it. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Yes, I was sweaty, I was tired, but I made it.. eventually. You can too!!! You have stairs in your house. Try go up them once a day. Who cares if you have to sit down 4x before you get to the top. You will eventually get to the top. It will come easier and easier.

Like someone else suggested, lift cans of food. Even if it is one time. Next time it will be 2.

You have loads of support here. Always. You can do this. You deserve this! We are here for you.

Many people here have been exactly where you are now.

You have been given a lot of great information here. I would like to add one more. Make a list of 20 things in your life that are good, positive, or just plain enjoyable. Keep it close. Every time you have a negative thought, pull out the list and read it out loud. Soon you will start thinking more positively. Feel free to change, amend, or add to the list at any time.

Some of the things on my list are...
I have a roof over my head, I am blessed.
My dogs are very well behaved, because I have done a good job training them.
I have a hubby and family who love me.

Hoping tomorrow brings you some sunshine into your life.

Thank you all SO, SO much for the kind and encouraging words!

I think I'm going to start blogging, because I want some way to get my feelings out... and I'm going to start coming here. Just this morning, after I dropped the kids off for school I wanted to come home, dig through the fridge for whatever I could find, and seat myself in front of the tv... like I do almost every morning. But I remembered that someone here said "come here instead of bingeing!" So I did!

I am also going to make a list of my blessings, because there ARE many of them.

I will keep on keeping on!

I had those crazy "I feel like I could drop dead any minute" moments before I started MFP. I got into a car accident that forced me to go to the dr. Come to find out I was diabetic and high blood pressure. Once I got on meds and changed my diet little by little the weight melted off. Im down 54 lbs but I feel like a brand new person.

It seems like a daunting task in the beginning but really its not. The thought of my kids being without me keeps me going on the days I don't want to.

I'm 36 years old, not far from you. And a few years back I weighed 360 pounds. I was also scared, miserable, tired, and was an emotional wreck at the time. I was in an abusive relationship and felt there was no way out. I had trouble standing for any length of time. My asthma would get so bad that I ended up in the emergency room every few months, and since I didn't have insurance I spent a lot of time struggling to breathe. Once when I was driving to the store, I felt myself blacking out. I managed to pull over to the side of the road until my head cleared, but I still wasn't sure what steps to take in order to get better. I became agoraphobic at one point, not being able to leave the house. I stopped contacting friends and even stopped answering the phone (I pretended I lost my cell when the reality was that I just turned it off so I could avoid everyone). I felt so ashamed of how I felt and especially how I looked. Shopping for clothes was a nightmare, especially when it came to finding pants that fit.

One morning I woke up and realized that I couldn't let myself keep going in that direction, and that I was the only person that could turn things around. Keeping in mind a diet guide my doctor had given me many years before, I bought some healthy produce at the store and made sure I ate that instead of the processed meals I'd been settling for. I also made sure I had breakfast every morning (usually french toast made with whole wheat), actually found enjoyment in chopping up veggies for my bowl for lunch, and made sure I had lots of veggies with my dinner. Those were the very first steps of taking my life back. I paid more attention to nutrients at first rather than calories, and in my case I still focus more on enjoying real, wholesome ingredients instead of added chemicals and bad fats.

I still have a long ways to go, but every little step in the right direction helps. And what I'm trying to say here is that you can do this. I spent a lot of time feeling like a failure but it doesn't have to be that way. You have the power to make positive changes. You have the power to realize that every step you make is full of choices, and even if you don't always make the best ones there's always tomorrow.

I understand how scary and overwhelming it is. I've been there. I also know that there's a way out of the bad thinking patterns. You're worth caring about, and you're worth taking care of yourself. Blogging is a great idea. Write every time you have the urge to binge. Explore your feelings and see if you can gain an understanding of what compels you to eat. And be sure to visit this site often! There are so many here that understand what you're going through, and they won't be judgmental. Ask questions, vent if you need to, and lend a hand to someone else that's having a hard time.

I wish I was there in person to give you a hug and help you through this, but maybe it'll help you to know that so many are thinking of you and wish you well.

I understand how you feel For me, even worse than the physical effects is the constant knowledge that I did this to myself, and if I could let this happen, what does that say about me? I don't know, but I'm trying to get away from it before it affects too much more of my life. Please talk to us at 3FC whenever you want! We're really good at listening to vents and giving support It takes some of us a long time to really get started, but you can do it!

I'm 32, 5 ft 4in, and 321 pounds. The sad part is that I lost 65 pounds 3 years ago, and then I got lazy and gained it back.

So here I am again. I turned to a place that I KNEW would give me the support and understanding that I needed.

Guess what - here you are again too. The thing that I love about this boad is that everyone here knows exactly how you feel. We are (or have all been) there. We all know the depression, embarassment, and sadness that come with being morbidly obese. So when you feel like eating, recognize the depression and sadness, come here and type about it. Let these "chickies" encourage and support you.

Just remember that you are not alone.