I am really down about a recent gain and I just need a pick me up. I have a LOT of social pressure to eat besides my own tendency to binge. So it's like, I work SOOO hard for every pound lost, and it seems just when I get there, some food feast kicks me in the a** and sends me 5-10 pounds upward and then it takes me like weeks to just get back down to the level I was at *before*.
Like I've lost weight the naughty way and I've lost weight the smart way, and they always say: "If you just eat right and enough cals, then it won't go back up as fast", well sorry but I call bull****. Because that seems to be never the case for me. My highest on this journey has been 448, and my lowest was the spring of 2007 at 237. I was soooo close and didn't know. If I had realized just HOW close I was to a normal weight then, it just freaks me out because on guys my height (6 ft / 1.83 m), 200 is basically thin, esp. if muscular, but I still have it in my head: 200 = grossly obese.
So then my metabolism just collapsed after a bout with arthritis and pain meds all the way to 351 in mid-2009, and I've got most of that off now. I am in the 270s now, but every day is a struggle. Every single day.
So anyway: long story short, a few days ago I was down to 272 and I knew if I was just vigilant in a few days I could be back in the 260s. The 260s is a comfort zone for me, a nice pudgy, setpoint average-y mid-range obese weight for me that I can "live" with until I can keep going down.
So my dad announces he wants to go to our semi-regular steak dinner. Now you must understand, he puts a huge pressure on me to get a bargain because of the coupon he uses. And, not to "waste food". His wife, from an Asian country with a dragon metabolism, lol, feels the same way. So I am under HUGE pressure to eat.
And, so I had a 7 oz steak, steak fries, ketchup, a dinner salad, a large regular soda, and then he gave me his baked potato. When he doesn't want something, he makes me eat his leftovers. He is a major saboteur. He has never had a weight problem to speak of, when I was growing up, he had a small belly - 193, which was kinda chubby back in the day, but doesn't even register now. Now he's at 174, and a few years ago while visiting overseas even fell to 139 because he's a picky eater. He basically has my metabolism, but starves himself and has no appetite for whatever reason. And, so he will eat like a half bowl of chili and make me eat the rest.
The thing is I have no defense to this because I am trying to LOSE weight myself, so he hardly sees me eat anything, and so I have no defense when he hands me his leftovers because like..he will know I haven't eaten lunch earlier or what have you.
And, so it would have been worse but I "forgot" to bring home the dinner rolls. So I got on the scale the next day and - 277, argh. All that hard work and FIVE pounds heavier, that meal was 4768 calories. Restaurants are scary folks. 3 days worth of my normal meals.
And, the most horrible thing is, that triggers my appetite. I have to fight a love for all the naughty foods and binging, and when something like that triggers my appetite and spikes my blood sugars and then they dive, I have to fight the binge monster. Yesterday I had 2200 calories, lots of toast for breakfast, a donut, banana, and then he bought chili dogs. This morning the number didn't budge at all.
And, because the wife is away for the week, he is cheating up a storm. He's got spaghetti planned for tonight. That's the worst trigger food I can think of for me, and something I cannot stop. I can safely say it's what got me up to 448 lbs all those years ago. I'm sure the spaghetti isn't the end, and even if he isn't actively trying to sabo me, I will eat mine fast, because I'm hungry and he'll offer me more. And, it's just so frustrating, having not only to fight my own demons but his as well.
I wish I could leave food behind cold turkey and forever. During periods when I fast, I have no appetite whatsoever, and it's hella easier on my blood sugars and I don't feel like death all the time. Yeah I still think of food, but it's not some kinda overwhelming demon out to consume me. I hate this because it's like: what if a crack addict needed to smoke a little each day to survive or an alcoholic needed one shot of a Long Island Iced Tea to survive. It just gets really old.
And, it's like whatever shocks my body up a few lbs usually stays there for at least a week, what takes weeks and months to get off. Like unless I fast or diet to like 500 cals AND walk a few miles a day each day, this weight is not coming off this week. And, I know I'm not being politically correct or saying what you want to hear, I'm being real.
And, I am just so so frustrated. Ideally I want to be like: at the low end of the healthy range for my height, which is 136 lbs (19.0 BMI), because I know I will backslide and binge because I will have "made it", so when I do and when that bounce back happens, I want to still be at a healthy weight well within the normal range, and not have regained all the weight back. But yeah I have a long way to go to get to that.
It's so frustrating because I have lost over 150 lbs and kept it off, and STILL I am OVER the 98th percentile of all Americans for my weight and height, like all of the work I have done doesn't even matter, I'm still a fatty.
Anyway, I just had to vent. I'm just hoping I can eat less than 1500 daily this week and maintain at this point, and it's not looking hopeful.
it sounds to me like you have to put your foot down. which is more important to you, possibly hurting your dads feelings or telling him the truth that you cannot eat that way and that you need his support. have you had that conversation? maybe its time for some tough love.
also 136 sounds AWFUL skinny for your height. i think more than anything you have to get right in your head. accept what you are. stop beating yourself up because you arent "skinny" or "perfect" or because youre a "fatty" you just are what you are. everyone struggles. you have to put yourself first though.
So my dad announces he wants to go to our semi-regular steak dinner. Now you must understand, he puts a huge pressure on me to get a bargain because of the coupon he uses. And, not to "waste food". His wife, from an Asian country with a dragon metabolism, lol, feels the same way. So I am under HUGE pressure to eat.
And, so I had a 7 oz steak, steak fries, ketchup, a dinner salad, a large regular soda, and then he gave me his baked potato. When he doesn't want something, he makes me eat his leftovers. He is a major saboteur...And, so he will eat like a half bowl of chili and make me eat the rest...
The thing is I have no defense to this because I am trying to LOSE weight myself, so he hardly sees me eat anything, and so I have no defense when he hands me his leftovers because like..he will know I haven't eaten lunch earlier or what have you.
Sure you have a defense. "No thank you, I don't want that." That's it. That's a perfectly valid defense. Repeat as necessary.
Dad: But you didn't eat lunch. Eat it.
You: No thank you, I don't want that.
Dad: But I used a coupon.
You: No thank you, I don't want that.
Dad: But it will go to waste.
You: No thank you, I don't want that.
and now, exaggerating for effect...
Dad: It hurts me that you won't eat it.
You: No thank you, I don't want that.
Dad: You disappoint me because you won't eat it.
You: No thank you, I don't want that.
Dad: The moon is made of green cheese.
You: No thank you, I don't want that.
I'm not saying it will be easy, but you have to do it. For yourself. Not for him. For yourself.
Thank you guys. It's just hard. He's very controlling, moody, OCD, loud, persistent. I have told him time and time again, over and over again, usually it results in him getting moody and cursing: slamming doors, and then he persists again as if I never said anything before and that I WILL do it, etc. etc.
And, in order to change my life I need to get outta here, and I can't do that morbidly obese, jobless, carless, so it's just maddeningly frustrating. He just thinks all metabolisms are the same, and it shouldn't have any effect on weight gain or loss. And, he's also anorexic and doesn't want me as thin or thinner than him, and yet, makes fun of me for being fat.
So it's just a lot of grief. My stepmother is highly bigoted toward fat people. Last fall, she held an "exorcism" to "exorcise" the "spirit of gluttony" from me, which really ****ed with my head to no end. So all the stress and stuff is just wearing me down, and no there's no alternative that's easy to get to.
So, I'm just venting. I know I will just have to be firm, but it's just gonna be dealing with a lot of **** from him for a persistent period that I really rue the thought of going through.
I agree that you need to get outta there. The exorcism part pretty much cinched that for me! Making someone eat your leftovers and then having your wife try to get the spirit of gluttony out of you -- wow!
I hear that you were 448 lbs, which yes, is very obese. I know I was feeling like I was knocking on death's door at 350, and wondering how much longer I could continue to work and support myself if I got much heavier (one of my motivations to lose). I don't think I could have at 448. BUT, you are not 448anymore. You are right in the chubby, mid-rangy obese category now, and you can absolutely work and take charge of your own life. Unless of course I'm missing something about other disabilities, etc.
I imagine your mindset is still that you are stuck there because of what you have done to yourself. But you AREN'T! You have lost a LOT of weight, and while you are still in the obese category, you have really turned things around. IMveryHO, you need to work on getting your head where your body actually IS now, and take some major steps toward independence and getting the H3LL out of that house of crazies!
Hope this is taken in the spirit it was intended -- with respect and a hope to change your thinking a bit because you are no longer that person you're so used to being!
@princesspuffypants, I am in the Inland Empire area.
@shannonmb, Yeah, I need to focus more on where I am right now. It was so hard when I first lost the weight to get accustomed to being in the 250s or whatever it was - mid-range obesity, and I had to deal with all of this increased attention of every kind that I had heretofore never experienced much. And, then when I regained the weight back, I had to adjust to the nightmare of the stuff at my heaviest like increased taunts and being considered less than human, etc. What I think messed me up a lot was getting fat again with friends who never knew me as "heavy obese" and they were on me as much as my stepmom and dad to lose the weight but were saying stuff like "you don't want to 'get' fat", etc.
Part of my problem is I do have more than the disability of obesity, I developed severe osteoarthritis after working retail on my feet for 8 hours a day, and doctors had no solutions for me other than to continue taking nSAIDs which as I said put 100+ lbs on me, grr. Which made the problem all the more difficult.
Finally I lost my job due to that health problem, and also due to my increasing size. Of course you know how it is, they don't address it directly, they use terms like "professional appearance", etc.
So basically my ankles are so bad off, I an unable to stand for more than a few hours before they start swelling very badly and I am unable to walk and am bedridden for at least one day afterwards. While working, the pain was so bad, once I sat down, I was unable to move for the rest of the evening. I have been in tears many times after exercise because of excruciating pain.
So, I'm feeling pretty trapped, screwed, what have you. Of course, my father doesn't sympathize with that either: chiding me for "not getting it fixed" even though there is no cure for osteoarthritis, no surgery or anything and saying I don't "deserve to feel" the pain of arthritis as if arthritis is only "earned" by many years on the planet.
It's also hard because after the swelling disappears, it appears perfectly normal and once the pain is removed I am "fine" as long as I don't stand any longer than that 2-hour window. So it's hard to prove disability and pain.
So that makes me even more limited to diet and caloric restriction mostly although I do walk and quite long distances when I can, I can only do so in that small window before I get bounceback in pain and misery. Plus weight gainage due to water retention and swelling.
So I'm feeling pretty trapped as a result of that situation. I did get off the nSAID when I realized it was sabotaging me, makes me much afraid of any meds these days, and I am feeling much improved since I am not currently standing 8 hours a day, but being completely dependent on my crazy father, not so thrilled about, without him, I'd pretty much be on the streets right now, so yeah, lol. Not many other options because I isolated from other friends when they too started in on my weight. As friends out of concern for my health, which was better, but I just couldn't take it after my stepmother's actions regarding "prayer services" and her abuse, etc.
My dad is like two-fold on it. One time he will pat my stomach and tell me I'm gaining weight, as if I don't notice, even if I have LOST weight, and other times, like if I tell him I'm not eating and trying to lose weight, he'll say I'm "crazy" and that my weight is "not an issue with him" and that it doesn't matter. And, that I don't listen to him anyway and a little (pie/spaghetti/tacos, etc.) "won't hurt me", so yeah, it's enough to make me want to bang my head against a wall, lol.
But thanks for listening, it helps just to be able to get it out. I am determined not to be fat any more, regardless of what my father does or does not do.
@princesspuffypants When I mentioned 136, I don't mean to stay there, but I just know me too well. I will feel I'm "done" and start binging before I can straighten out my eating and hopefully eat more in moderation and within my calorie range, and I want that to happen anywhere between 150-200, rather than getting back into the obese range again. I see all too often people suffering obesity that just touch the normal or overweight range, only to bounce back up again and gain it all back, and I've already had that happen once, although it wasn't entirely my fault, and I just don't want it to happen again, I want some moving around room. So I do think 136 is a bit too thin, esp. if it ages me, but I would be lying if I said I didn't want thin, so the ultimate goal is like 183 and if that's too big 165 and if 183 is too small, I will live with 200.
I think part of why your dad treats you the way he does is because he knows you *have* to put up with it. That and he sounds a little nutty! It's hard to think straight in that environment, I'm sure.
I hear what you are saying about the being on your feet thing. And no one but YOU knows what you are capable of and the suffering you have been through. But I still say hope is not lost -- there are a lot of jobs that don't require being on your feet (though, as a nurse, I'm not lucky enough to have one). What about taking some courses at a technical college, something like medical billing/coding, that pays pretty well and can even be done from home? That would be hard to do without a car, but is there a car in your household you could borrow occasionally? Or public transportation? Lots of classes are online these days! And some of the programs are like 18 months, not like a 4 year thing. There are loans, etc, you could get.
I don't know if you are looking for practical suggestions or if you are just wanting to vent. But I just so badly want you to do something positive for yourself to let you know that you CAN DO whatever you set your mind to, even if it's hard. I think you may have had one too many blows to the self-esteem (especially in THAT HOUSE!) to see clearly that you are not doomed, that there are options. You obviously have something really good down deep to have lost all that weight, and now since you are just in the mid-rangy obese category (I love that), it's time to start setting up your future and reaching for more out of life than having to listen to your dad's BS because he pays the bills.
look for some of the older posts from Catherine (was HippieVanLady) her story is so inspiring. she even wrote a book called Curveballs. its totally inspiring.
really though, it sounds like you need to stand your ground (so to speak) with your father, and get real with yourself about your weight. losing a lot of weight so you have a buffer when you regain is still setting yourself up to fail. you have to get your head straight first. have you looked into talking to a mental health professional? i know they have a lot that are free. if you need a suggestion i have a friend that does it in LA who im sure could find me someone in your area
It's not that I don't want to stand my ground with my father. My mom died a few years ago, she was very ill and I was her caregiver. She passed from a heart attack.
I looked into every option I had, incl the only homeless shelter in my county (of 2 million people) that would take men, which was full at the time, it's the only reason my dad took me in.
My parents were divorced, my father did not raise me. It's not that I'm too timid to stand up for myself, I have done so time and time and time and time again, it's just that he stands his ground as well. He has a certain view of the world.
I lost my job (most of the income of which I was forced to give to my dad to help support his wife's family overseas), due to a breakdown in my health (ankles gave out) and subsequent weight gain due to the meds the doctors gave me, an nSAID, which I suffered a rare, but unfortunately for me it happened, side effect, massive water retention and weight gain (3 lbs per meal).
So right now I am utterly dependent upon this man. If I speak up too forcefully, he threatens to throw me out and has DONE so in the past when I spoke up against his attacks over my ankles. I simply ignored it, so I believe his bark is worse than his bite.
Nevertheless, I have to walk on egg shells with him for roof over head, I don't have a car to live in, the homeless shelter that takes men is full, and I have no where else to go, so I have to play by his rules. In this economy the competition is tight and no one is hiring morbidly obese people when they can get an able bodied person in its stead for retail positions. I've applied at over 50 places. I also have to fight my previous employer's reference about my health. Right now, I have no income at all whatsoever after my unemployment ceased. I collect soda cans to turn them in for cash so I can buy necessities such as soap and tp, if that's any indication of what my dad does for me. Thank God, I have internet access, which is a useful tool in finding work and communicating with the outside world.
So I'm pretty stuck. As far as my diet, I have absolutely no control of what I can eat. My stepmother jealously guards the healthy food (she is anorexic and thin), I am not allowed to cook for myself even though I am perfectly capable of doing so, I tried early on, but my dad fancies himself the chef and told me to stop after a bit.
So I'm forced to work with what I have: carb city: cereal, cookies, cakes, breads (all with HFCS and white), rice, potatoes, etc. etc.
I get a warm protein meal about twice a week when he cooks. Otherwise I have to work with what I have and make lemons out of lemonade. I know what it takes to lose the weight the healthy way, but that is not an option right now. I have to get thin to match the competition out there in the workforce and do it soon to be able to get the f**k out of here as soon as possible. I lost the first hundred pounds doing it the healthy way. But even within those bounds, I have oral allergy syndrome and am allergic to most fruits, which makes it also really hard.
And, that means a total calorie deficit count on basically an all carbs/sugars diet and that's really hard. So that's my MO as to why my plan is what it is. I'm forced to work with what I have until some other option becomes available. As bad as my situation is, I prefer it to being on the streets without even a car, and I don't have enough physical health to go stealing food, which is what homeless people have to do.
I did look at counseling, I went to the county services and basically they told me there was no help they could give me because I was "not a threat to myself or others" (i.e., did not threaten suicide). There are some counseling services out there, but they do charge a small fee, and as I've already said, my dad won't even buy me soap, lol. If he buys me anything like a meal, it's totally his whim, choice, whatever.
I'll definitely look up that lady's posts though. I'm sorry if my response came across as *****y, I'm just extremely frustrated and needed a vent.
Last edited by Thin Desire; 01-14-2011 at 01:29 PM.
You are in a pickle! I really can feel the frustration.
There is no "fix" but I hope I can encourage you by reminding you that this phase in your life is temporary. If a that one scientist could lose weight eating twinkies, then you can do it with the things offered to you. Not the healthiest way to lose weight, but once you get your weight down to where your job applications aren't looking at your potential health deficits, you can move out. Getting out to collect aluminum is a good way to get exercise as well. Kudos for that!!
The situation is temporary and so is your frustration. Make it your mantra because I feel the strength in you. You can do this!!
Keep looking for other opportunities to put your name on waiting lists for help.
first I'd like to send my condolences for the loss of your mother. Secondly I'd like to give you a big hug!
Business: have you tried applying for welfare? contacted your local united way (for information on possible housing, no cost counseling services, perhaps medical/health assistance)? salvation army? your local food bank (some food banks have services that will deliver food to you if you explain your situation)?
Personal: i'm very sorry to hear the distress in your words. I echo ratkitten that one positive is that this situation is only temporary. I'm sorry to hear also that you're having a difficult time figuring out the best way to stand up to your father in a way that you won't feel demeaned or left homeless.
Although you don't appear to have very many good food options at your disposal, one thing that you DO have control over is not having to overeat on those items. I know in your first post you mentioned about being essentially forced to over eat. Have you shared with your father your goals of trying to eat in moderation, eat healthier options, etc (i stress those goals instead of just merely saying that you're trying to lose weight)?
In any event, I know that things will look up for you soon! Best wishes on finding a job, and getting into a better living environment; and perhaps you can educate your father along your journey!
theres ALWAYS options. when it doesnt seem like it. first off, you should apply for welfare, as well as foodstamps. when i had no income at all i got almost 400.00 a month.
for someone thats 6' tall, it doesnt seem that even at 300 lbs it would be that limiting. i will say that in the state of california, the ONLY thing a former employer is allowed to say about you is whether or not you are eligible for rehire. they cant give any reason for either answer. if you can prove they are sayings about you, you can sue for libel.
if you'd like me to talkto my friend about psych services in the IE i would be happy to. as well as help you get through the welfare/food stamp process.
more than anything it feels like you need some support to gain the self esteem to stand up for yourself and not be walked all over. you are a human and deserve to be treated as such.
Aw thanks, well I've already been, talked to a counselor, he gave me some names, but as I understand it, where I will have problems is because I live with my father, they will count his income as part of the household in California and that's where I'm screwed. He makes bank - two retirements, social security, good lord the man makes more retired than when he worked. Same with food stamps. But if there's something I don't know, I'd be glad to hear it. I'm planning on applying though, this is part of the problem, my dad wants no part of that, he wants me only applying for work.
That's also where I am screwed with Medi-Cal: you have to be a newly arrived immigrant, woman with children (AFDC, WIC), even my friend's son who was a single dad with complete custody of his daughter couldn't qualify for AFDC because of that, or blind or kidney problems. I have none of that. I asked about Obama's plan and that doesn't kick in for a few years yet. I might be able to qualify for MISP though. But that's like ER emergency care, not exactly preventative. I thought I was gonna have to go and get on MISP when I had a cut I thought might require stitches a few months ago, but thankfully that healed.
Also, if I CAN get food stamps, even if I do, I'd feel obliged to buy food, and I'm trying to lose weight, lol. Although if healthy foods like grapes keep going up in price, it would be a HUGE help.
But if you think I could get help. It's hard proving to social services, I am not appendage of my father, and I don't get even as much help as soap.
Last edited by Thin Desire; 01-16-2011 at 01:44 PM.
if you can get him to sign (or you can forge, they dont check) a letter that says that your income is completely seperate and that you only live with him and have no other combined expenses, that is sufficient. you may need to fudge some details, but you have to do what you have to do.
also, the way food stamps works now is that you get a debit card with a dollar amount. what you dont spend rolls over into the next month.
its really not that hard, you just have to ask for the help.
Really down about latest gain, need a pick me up
I'm sorry if my response came across as *****y, I'm just extremely frustrated and needed a vent.
