So I've recently come to the realization that I use, and pretty much always have used, my weight as a defense mechanism, a way to keep people at a distance, especially with regard to men and romantic relationships.
It wasn't until I really started looking at myself and realizing it. A lot of times I would say things like "if only I was thin, those guys would have asked me out" about guys that I knew were interested. I blamed it all on the fat! But the truth is, I think I was too scared, so I used the fat to make certain people uninterested in me and I used it as an excuse when someone was interested in me. I think the first step to getting over something is to really admit it, so here I am, and I am admitting this to all of you here. Does anyone else here notice the same thing about themselves?
YES! Through therapy I've come to realize that I use my weight as a wall. For some reason, we give overweight people - ourselves, a certain feeling of "off-the-hook-ness" with being overweight. As if our weight will *really* keep other people away from us. It is us keeping ourselves away from other people. Well, I can only speak for myself here, really.
I use the same excuse: "I'll start dating when I lose weight."
Although my weight does give me certain self-worth issues. I'm really just scared to love and be loved for who I am and what I am worth. WHICH IS A WHOLE **** OF A LOT!
It's a process, I'm learning, growning, discovering. I wish you the best of luck and would like to congratulate you for having the courage to announce it, admit it and own it! I'm right there with ya, sister!
Yes, I have used it to prevent unwanted attention from men, for sure. It's also an excuse for just about everything. Like I can blame not getting a promotion on my weight, not my work, etc.
I was taken advantage of when I was a young teenager, and thin. I guess I felt like I was always hit on and finally really preyed upon and that made me feel horrible, so I did everything I could to "atone" for what happened.
Does anyone else here notice the same thing about themselves?
No...not really. Actually, not at all. I gained weight because I ate entirely to much crap. I am addicted to sugar and sugar products. For years I blamed everything in the world for my fatness, but really I was fat because I was unwilling to fight the addiction. I just ate whatever I wanted and gained massive amounts of weight. I THEN used my weight as an excuse for everything that went wrong in my life.
I didn't date a lot because I was fat, but I didn't make myself fat because I didn't want to date, I was fat because I was a sugar junkie and wired differently from those who are not addicts.
As if our weight will *really* keep other people away from us. It is us keeping ourselves away from other people......Although my weight does give me certain self-worth issues. I'm really just scared to love and be loved for who I am and what I am worth. WHICH IS A WHOLE **** OF A LOT!
You're so right!! It never really did keep people away totally, it helped to weed out a lot of those losers who are only interested in a woman for her looks, but it kept me from developing sound relationships with those that liked me for me. The funny thing is, I developed a really funny, goofy, forceful personality to counteract the weight, and that is what attracted people to me despite the weight! So I guess I am just a bag of walking contradictions, but I'm starting to really search myself for what I really want in life. And it is not to be this fat. I've got a lot of self worth, but it always related to my talents and my smarts. When it comes to relationships, I have to start realizing that I am physically valuable too.
P.S. Chicago love for sure! I was born 'n raised in Lombard, live in LA now but there will never be anyplace like the Chi town!! Woo hooo!
Haha Swt, I was born in Cali!! So Cali love for sure!!!
Yeah, this losing weight business is pretty diffilcult. I hate when people think it's a matter of eating healthier and going to the gym. It's not always that black and white. There are a lot of way deeeeeeper issues connected to it. I've just begun to get at this, from a different level. Bringing up a lot of issues that originally made me an emotional eater (I mean from like age 6)... so what did I do? I binged for 2 days. Ick! But this is all part of the process. Knowing it and calling it out makes us stronger and more likely to stick to it and beat it.
I'm the same way -- I developed a handy sense of humor, until recently I called enough and refused to play nice, just to feel like people accept me more. I wish there was some sort of way to just troubleshoot all my problems and clean them up, but alas it's one day at a time.
I wish you lots of luck on your journey and hope you finish becoming the woman you already are!! I'm working on it too..
Yes, yes, yes. It's like when I am wearing this fat suit, I turn myself invisible (but not really, just kind of in my mind).
A special hug to "Becoming" above--me too, and it changed everything about the way I relate to other people and how I acted to protect myself. But you don't need to atone for being taken advantage of, especially not by continuing to hurt yourself through being overweight--hurt through physical harm and through social/romantic isolation. I know how hard it can be to trust, both to trust yourself not to make bad decisions and to trust others to treat you with respect and kindness.
Fat has equaled social/sexual invisibility for me, and it was definitely a defense mechanism (and a very effective one). NOW, however, I'm older, meaner, more self-confident, and have gotten some excellent professional advice, and I don't need the fat suit any more. My change started on the inside, and I'm excited to see the outside of me coming into line--still have a LONG way to go, but I'm headed in the right direction.
Hi, I'm new here, but I can relate to the original poster, Sweetbutterfly23. I definitely use my wieght as a defense mechanism. My ex-husband left me for someone else and it devastated me at the time. In the years since then I put on more weight than ever and I know I used the excess weight to avoid letting anyone get close enough to me to hurt me like that again.
I've read a lot of self help books on the subject. Geneen Roth's book, When Food is Love, really hit home for me.
I'm working on losing weight now, and I'm really sincerely working on losing this weight once and for all.
Here's the killer when it comes to fat and dating. I was fat for 20 years and did not date for 18 of them. I met someone when I was about 50 lbs. down in the weight loss process that didn't work out and have now using internet dating to meet someone.
Have to tell you it's really hard to NOT have the fat to blame when you see 30+ people have viewed your profile but didn't want to get to know you! I had to really suck it up to keep working the site and eventually have now started dating someone in real life that I met there. But as we're still in the "will he or won't he call me again" stage, so I'm still not very confident about the dating process.
So while the fat definitely kept men away, it also gave me an acceptable reason to not be dating in my own mind. Harder emotionally when its now not a factor.
I used weight as a teenager to let myself lower my standards when it came to dating. The guy could be a giant loser and I would have gone out with him because I thought that's all I could get so I might as well grab onto it. I was very fortunate that in the pool of losers I went out with, my husband somehow found me and we have been together for 11 years. I know that not everyone our size is lucky that way and I try not to take that for granted. Although sometimes I get very worried that he will leave me because I am so big.... and he gives me no signs that I should worry I just do.
As for using my weight as a defense mechanism I do that all the time but life just keeps poking holes in it. For instance I thought the reason I did not have a job was because I was big and low and behold I was offered one this year. I thought I had no friends because I was big and I find the more I let my guard down the more friends I end up with. These realizations that fat is not to blame for my misery is why I think this time might be the time that I really get the weight off.
I didn't notice that weight was an effective barrier to unwanted contact until my first "big loss" several years ago. Suddenly I became visible to men who would never have given me a second look, got asked out on dates (hey, I had a partner!), wolf-whistles (no, I didn't appreciate them). I felt amazingly vulnerable. Only then did I realize how effective being fat is at keeping people away and unconsciously I did want to keep people away. At the same time, I hated feeling invisible.
With this weight loss, I have been working on body issues - reclaiming my body as my own so that when I get thin I won't be surprised at what I see in the mirror (god knows I'm too old now to get that kind of reactions from men any more )
YES! Through therapy I've come to realize that I use my weight as a wall. For some reason, we give overweight people - ourselves, a certain feeling of "off-the-hook-ness" with being overweight. As if our weight will *really* keep other people away from us. It is us keeping ourselves away from other people. Well, I can only speak for myself here, really.
I use the same excuse: "I'll start dating when I lose weight."
Although my weight does give me certain self-worth issues. I'm really just scared to love and be loved for who I am and what I am worth. WHICH IS A WHOLE **** OF A LOT!
It's a process, I'm learning, growning, discovering. I wish you the best of luck and would like to congratulate you for having the courage to announce it, admit it and own it! I'm right there with ya, sister!
--Thank you for reading.
I really can relate to hiding behind the pounds as this is a problem that I struggle. I hope that one day we will both put down our shields and just accept and love ourselves. Good luck on your journey.
I didn't notice that weight was an effective barrier to unwanted contact until my first "big loss" several years ago. Suddenly I became visible to men who would never have given me a second look, got asked out on dates (hey, I had a partner!), wolf-whistles (no, I didn't appreciate them). I felt amazingly vulnerable. Only then did I realize how effective being fat is at keeping people away and unconsciously I did want to keep people away. At the same time, I hated feeling invisible.
With this weight loss, I have been working on body issues - reclaiming my body as my own so that when I get thin I won't be surprised at what I see in the mirror (god knows I'm too old now to get that kind of reactions from men any more )
I really needed to read this post. It make me laugh because I remember when I lost some weight and a good looking guy asked me out, I looked behind me to see if he was really talking to me. For the longest time I tried to convince myself that I didnt care if I was heavy and that I accepted myself anyway.I hardly looked in the mirror. Now that Im trying to meet my goal weight, Im forced to look at myself and I admit that I do look more alive.
Yep. I gained a lot of weight on birth control, and male interest vanished. I lost about half of it, men were back, and I got raped. I regained what I'd lost and then some.
It wasn't until recently that I realized I was content being fat because I was invisible. Men looked through me instead of at me. Yes, thyroid disease was a big part of it, but I'd have tried harder to lose weight and not sabotaged myself if I hadn't liked being off the radar.
Using weight as a defense mechanism??
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I can relate.
