Does this happen to you?
 

So I just wanted to talk about yet another incident where people just dont seem to get it. When you are overweight, you get into embarrassing situations quite often. And yesterday was just another example.

We have bistro tables outside of work so if you would like to eat your lunch outside you can. I have sat out there only a few times, because the chairs are rather uncomfortable. They are metal, and the arms of the chairs dig into my hips a little. (think of those awful tight plastic lawn chairs that people always have at picnics) its like umm do i try and sit down and risk that my butt spills over the sides or worse, i cant even sit down?
anyway i go to lunch with the same group and have said that i find the chairs very uncomfortable and that i like to eat inside. well yesterday turned into this huge ordeal. one person wanted to eat outside, another didnt care and then there's me of course.

long story short i said really i dont mind if you two want to eat outside but i will just stay in here as i am more comfortable. that turned into this big im gonna huff and puff nonsense and we awkwardly ate lunch inside while not speaking.

later i told her privately that its difficult when you are overweight to just squeeze into a chair anywhere. and she claims i never said anything about being uncomfortable, and that she just didnt understand because she doesnt have to think about that stuff!!

Just thought I would share this story since it probably happens more often than people care to think of. We try to forget these types of situations, however it causes anxiety for a lot of us when going to a picnic, or out to a restaurant, and don't get me started on amusement parks.

Here's to us all meeting our goals and sitting our tooshes anywhere we please! Good luck today all!! :)

sorry that you were put into that position..funny how when we go anywhere first thing we survey is the chairs! People who have never had this problem don't think about those of us that do unfortunatley. I have a big mouth so I would be the one yelling I ain't sitting out there my dang butt wont fit in those chairs like you skinny people. LOL That usually takes care of it. ;)

Im sorry you had that experience. Maybe the other lady really DIDN'T know why you would have been uncomfortable outside until you explained it to her.

I am of the mindset that anyone should be able to say anything without it hurting another persons feelings. Was it the voice inflection you or the other ladies used when discussing the issue that caused the stir?

Some people "do get it"...
 

I can say first hand that many fit people DO NOT think about chairs having arms on them. Even when I was obese, I didn't--I wasn't to the point I couldn't fit in armed chairs. Even with me having an adoptive mom that is morbidly obese, I sometimes forget when I am with her to look at chairs and the like.

That being said, mature people--when they realize the issue at hand--are completely understanding about things like this.

I dont think people realize this at all. I actually had no idea about this until one day I went to a restaurant and realized that I could barely fit into these wooden chairs that they had and had to sit in them in a weird way during the whole lunch. That was actually what finally made me realize that yes I was overweight and needed to start on the journey of exercising and eating healthy.

Chairs so suck...

I've had those moments where I went "ohhhhhhhhhhhh...I'm not sitting on that thing!" as I didn't want it to crack under the pressure ...hehehe. :)

Seriously though, I always survey chairs, even now, even though I can fit a lot better lol. People don't realize it in general I don't think...

I am with you 100% and have had the chair issue many times. In addition to the chairs, I have to consider booth space and if the table can move to allow me to comfortably fit. My lunch pals are pretty good about paying attention now, but it took some reminders!

I am so ready to be able to go to a cookout or campfire and not worry about bringing my own lawn chair everywhere!

I recently had the opportunity to be involved in picking out office furniture for our new office suite. I made sure that none of our guest chairs had arms. It was good to be able to be in on the meetings and educate my thin co-workers on things to think about when choosing furniture our students would be waiting in.

I consider this person a friend, not close friends but I share with her my weightloss journey. She goes to the gym everyday so I talk to her for motivation to keep going. Because of the conversations I have had in the past, I do feel like she knew why I felt uncomfortable. I suppose it was the way she reacted that caught me off guard.

To make matters worse, she avoided me today. geez

I can't wait to not have to worry about that stuff! The things we stress over LOL

It's interesting that you brought that up, since I have had a number of "one up" situations with this person. She is also getting married at the same time, and she's made comments about why I picked something or how she doesn't agree with brides that....fill in the blank, when I literally told her the day before that I had done...fill in the blank.

It's almost like people say they don't understand so you have to bite the bullet and just come out and admit something embarrassing like that.

I am not sure that it's what happened here, at least I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt, however I know there are people like that out there. It just amazes me how people can be so cruel sometimes.

Thank you all for your comments. It's really great to have a place to voice these types of unique situations we find ourselves in that others have no idea about, and might not even understand.

Yes it is.
 

;) I'm really enjoying this place. Congratulations on the marriage! I am so happy for you!

if a group of us want to eat somewhere , and i see the chairs are too small, i usually ask them if they have seen shallow hal? the scene where the chair legs spread out... when theyh say yes, i say 'im not sitting there or we will have a repeat of that', laugh, and its over and the mood usually stays good...
i just accept the fact im big and cant fit right now kinda like the fact my hair is curly and not straight, or i cant fit in a size 6.. its just part of me and i dont get embarrased or freel i cant say anything.. i know its not perm, just till i can get some of this tonage off lol.

On a positive note, we're not the only ones who have to worry about chairs. My son is a state patrolman and in excellent shape and in no way fat, but he can't sit in my kitchen chairs, that have arms, when he's in his uniform. Too much stiff on his belt. He catches his flashlight, gun, pepper spray, etc. on the arms. So, even skinny people have chair issues.:D

It's not only sitting IN the chairs and tables, but navigating between them. I grade a lot at Panera bread, and navigating between the tables there, or the desks in the college I work at, was something I had to carefully think about...

I am glad I clicked on this thread. Wow so nice to know ppl have the same things to deal with as you do! With my weight I have become very large busted and I really have to consider booths. Often my chest is so close to the table it is sitting on top of it. Yikes!

Yes, it has happened to me - I was the other person. I know a lady who is extremely large (approx. 450lb) and I never considered her size until I learnt to be more sensitive.

She taught me that, if I want to go out with her, I need to bear in mind parking (can`t walk long distances), seating and clientele (she only eats at expensive places where the other guests are more likely to be too sophisticated to comment on her appearance).

Before I finally learnt it I apparently very often put my foot in it. It`s easily done because you really don`t think about it if it`s not an issue for you.

I am sorry you had to go through that, those chair do stink. Yes and people don't understand.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that but know that your not the only one. It sucks because smaller people just don't understand what it's like as a bigger person and how uncomfortable certain situations can be its not big deal to them but as a bigger person its a HUGE deal.

I so know how you feel! I have to really watch when eating out (which doesn't happen very often anymore, but my boyfriend and I go out somewhere nice at least once a month). I always have to specify a table instead of a booth, and then hope like heck that the chairs don't have arms. I darn near jump for joy when it's a table where one side is against a bench seat and the table can be moved. I will probably jump for joy the day I don't have to worry about it anymore.

It is so nice to come to a place like this and read about things that affect us that anywhere else we would be too embarrassed to talk about. These are things that people just don't think about, but really do effect us. I am sorry that you had to go through it. Good luck with your goal and congrats on the wedding!

One of the things I did learn from my brush with the "fat acceptance" movement is that I don't have to be ashamed of my size. No one can embarass or shame me, unless I let them. Even if they try, I get to choose how I am going to respond (shame, anger, patience, amusement).

Mostly I choose amusement (I try to be patient as well, but I'll admit sometimes I'm laughing AT not laughing WITH people who are intentionally rude or truly clueless). Not only do I get to feel good, it really ticks off people trying to be rude (and only slightly embarasses people who mean well, but stuck their foot in their mouths).

It doesn't always feel like a "choice," but the more practice I had in "acting as if," the more it became true. Today, my husband and I went to lunch at a Burrachos, a burrito bar (like Qdoba), and the girl making our burritos told us that we remind her of "that famous painting of the farmer and his wife."
(American Gothic by Grant Wood)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Gothic

I guess you all can tell me, if you see any resemblence (my avatar is a photo of hubby and myself).

I have to admit my jaw dropped, but I started laughing really loud and hard, because it seemed so ridiculous (even plumping up the couple, I can't say I see any resemblence). I did feel a little bad that I had embarassed the girl so much (she wasn't trying to offend, because she started stammering a bit and said "I really like the picture," which only made me laugh harder).

I do think that the more confidence you have, the easier it is to see humor in such situations. I know that obesity isn't something we're "supposed to talk about," but I find it weird, annoying, and funny that I'm supposed to pretend that I'm not fat, or at least that I don't know that I'm fat. It makes people so uncomfortable when I mention my weight (no matter how big the smile on my face is when I say it).

I don't expect thin people to know what it's like to be very fat - or to know what my needs are. I can't expect anyone to anticipate and accomodate my needs, if I don't state them.

Yes, it does seem odd (and funny) when someone in a restaurant wants to put my husband and I in a booth so tight that thin people have to "shimmy" to get into, but you know I've had much more luck on the second visit when I'm pleasantly direct rather than angry or "polite." The "polite" thing say would be "I'd much rather have a table, please," but I find it much more effective when I laugh and say "There's NO WAY two people our size are going to fit in that tiny booth." (I have to admit my voice is loud and carries so I'm sure laughing is likely to embarass the person trying to seat us - because it can come off as "how could you be so dumb."

Humor says "what were you thinking," more effectively than an angry or subtle response. When you're subtle, people often just don't get it, and when you're angry people get defensive. Defensiveness often blocks people from seeing any error in their behavior, so anger sometimes feels good - but it doesn't always get results.

It's easy to be upset when people aren't able to see what you feel is obvious. On one hand, I feel that it isn't rocket science for a restaurant hostess to be able to compare a patrons width to that of booths and chairs and realize when a fit problem is likely to occur... And on the other hand, I've had my share of not realizing the obvious when I've been with people who have special needs other than my own. Before my husband's stepfather, Al passed away, I learned alot about special needs (he had many due to multiple health problems, including special diet restrictions, being wheelchair bound, and being an amputee). Some of those needs should have been obvious to me, but I just never had reason to think about it before.

Al was a great role model for how to inform people of his needs. He didn't expect anyone to know what he wanted or needed, so he "educated" you with patience and good humor. Even when a topic was "embarassing" he was matter-of-fact about it.

It is a bit more awkward with friends, coworkers, and associates, because so often "politeness" can get in the way of honest communication. Because it's "rude" to acknowledge a person's size, they're likely to say "you're not fat," or something equally ridiculous when you make any mention of your size or special needs because of it. But I've learned that their discomfort is not my fault, and I need to make them understand.

I was at a friends house for a home decor party and the only available chair was not going to work. So I asked if anyone would mind trading because I wasn't going to fit in the empty one. I didn't think anything of it, and didn't think anyone else did, either - but later the friend hosting the party took me aside and told me that I should have taken her aside "to avoid embarassment." I told her that I was sorry she was embarassed, and she said she wasn't embarassed (obviously not true) but was only thinking of my embarassemt. I told her that I found it far less embarassing to ask directly than to go whisper to her, and then have her whisper to someone else and then come back and whisper to me before making the trade. I figured it drew a lot more attention to the situation than a direct approach.

My directness and lack of embarassment must be very unusual, because I do so often get surprised or even shocked reactions to my open-ness, but I just find it silly to do so much pretending and beating around the bush.

Haha you don't. I know how you feel though. One of my art history professors decided I looked like the prostitute that modeled for Manet's Bar at the Folies-Bergere. She dragged me into her survey class whenever they spoke about it, so I got to stand there as a visual aid while the class talked about how Manet used prostitutes as models. It was super. I totally didn't see it either...

Something a little more on topic...

I am also sorry you were put in this situation :hug:

I dislike charis that have open backs... I'm always self conscious that my butt is showing, or that my spare tire around my gut is spilling over.

I also hate those stupid little desks in schools/ colleges where the desk is part of it. Those things are SO TINY! Talk about embarrasing to get stuck in :(

wow lol i wouldn't have the guts to say that but that's awesome that you do!

my thing with chairs is i'm always afraid i'll get the old one and i sit on it and it breaks lol that's my chair fear. i don't mind squeezing into a chair just as long as i know it won't break

I agree I also hate the whole chair and booth situation.Sometimes I can squeeze in the booth but after eating and my stomach is bigger I have a hard time getting out.It's kind of funny but then again not.I do think being direct is the way to go.Is there anyway you can talk to your boss about adding a few bigger chairs?I'm sure your not the first person there with a problem with them.Why should you not be able to enjoy a nice lunch in beautiful weather.
If your coworker is upset and not talking to you it is her loss.She was never truly a friend.

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions. Some of them were very humorous. :) Alot of times, it is my anxiety that gets the best of me. Physically I could fit in the chair, however I would feel like my thighs were spilling over and that it made me look even bigger than I am. (think of that commercial where the lady wears oversized everything to make herself look smaller....but the opposite). I had alot of issues with perception and had finally just started to come to terms with how much weight i had gained and how big i got.

With that said some of you commented on the fear of breaking chairs too. Again I think that is more anxiety than reality. I always feared the "Shallow Hal" incident and would find if i had a chair that seemed weak i would make up an excuse to switch it with another lol...like oh this is wobbly or dirty. Or I would find myself sitting on the very front with my weight put on my tip toes. It's a real science and a good thigh workout I think considering after 10 mins my thighs would be burning haha.

I have lost enough weight now where I am not AS fearful as i was before about fitting into chairs or breaking them or my boobs spilling over the booth table. I am looking forward to getting to the point where I can go back to an amusement park with complete confidence! next summer :)

It's taken me a lot of work, but I no longer have much fat anxiety. I don't worry about "looking fat" or fatter, because really what does an extra few "looks like" pounds really matter at my current weight. It's why I no longer only wear "slimming" colors. I got really tired of wearing black and navy, and decided I might as well enjoy wearing bright colors, and if someone thinks I look 350 lbs instead of 320 lbs, big whoop.

For the past, I'd guess 10 to 12 years I've worked really hard at not letting
my weight stop me from doing anything it didn't stop me from doing. I even go to amusement parks and ride the rides that I am able to.

Hubby isn't a big amusement park fan, so the last time I went to an amusement park was before I met him. At near my highest weight I went to Six Flags with a friend and my sister. I would wait with them in line for the rides, and if I fit, fine - and if I didn't I'd get out of the ride car and wait for them to get through with the ride. There were several rides I could ride, but I got turned away from about half or more. It wasn't embarassing me, but I saw that it was embarassing my sister, so I waited out the rest of the rides, and before we left I suggested we go back to the rides I had fit on for a second ride. It worked out pretty well.

Chairs usually don't give me much anxiety, because I'm pretty good at recognizing whether a chair is likely to support me or cause me pain.
I do agree that chair anxiety is generally unfounded, though I've become pretty good at deciding when a chair is not for me. One type of chair that I won't sit in is plastic lawn chairs (I've been "bucked" by those several times. A couple times one of the legs buckled and tossed me to the ground, and a couple times (when the ground was soft, such as the day after a rain) my chair slowly sunk as I was sitting in it. One fourth of July, maybe because it was dark, or I was absorbed in the fireworks, my chair sunk about a foot into the ground (luckily we were in my parents yard), but when we were done my dad and sister had to pry the chair out of the ground. My family still teases me about it - luckily I'm not self-conscious or embarassed. In fact, I can't keep from laughing myself as I sit here.

I also stay away from obvious antiques (because there's no way to tell if the wood is sturdy or possibly dry rotted), and very narrow armed chairs. In the incident in which I traded, the chair had arms and was very narrow (and I was at my highest weight of 390 plus pounds). It was actually very similar to a chair my parents had in their house - and while it supported me fine, the chair would get up with me when I stood up (if you know what I mean). Having family members help pull a chair off my butt is fine (even funny) if it's only family around, but in a crowd of people I don't know that well, I'd rather not have that happen (I'm thick-skinned, but not bullet-proof).

I barely remember to consider the chair for myself before sitting down - I'll slide into booths that don't work and ponder stomach above or below! I have had to be rescued from movie theater seats and have stood up and had the chair stuck on my butt more times than I can count! good for you for being open about being comfortable and hooray for chairs of all shapes and sizes

Same here. And agreed.

The legacy of scanning the chairs for me still hangs on....im 192 pounds....but id still be cautious of sitting in those picnic style chairs....sorry you went thru this :(

I have had nightmares about chairs! The worst ones are at my university, where the desk is part of the chair and I can't actually get the desk to sit right cause my belly is in the way! How embarrasment.

AGGGGHHhh! That just brought up one I almost forgot about. I had the same desk/chair one-piece in a class at Uni, and after I got into the chair (a tight squeeze) I then couldn't get out. I was stuck and basically lifted the chair with my girth and had to slide out of it when I was part way balanced on my toes. Needless to say, I dropped that class. :(

* just as a bit of lighter fare (not to hijack :)) - Another time at uni I was hitting on this girl at the bus stop and a seagull crapped on my head. As I ran into the McD across the stret to wash my hair and kill my pain with a coupla cheeseburgers, I realised that was the end of any potetntial relationship.

Take a deep breath at the movies when you try to *melt* into the seat? Yes, these are my favorite moments. I love the seats that the arms raise preferably, but I've lost a few pounds and it isn't like it was 50 pounds ago, thank God!

How about the picnics where the chair legs start sinking into the grass and dirt and before you know it, the chair is six inches lower than everyone else's?

Some people are jerks, plain and simple and sometimes these people are our "friends." It's harder when they are close to us. I have a great friend who just manages to put her foot in her mouth all of the time. Sometimes she realizes later what she said and apologizes, but diarrhea of the mouth can be just as debilitating as any other disease, can't it? I try to give people benefit of the doubt unless they repeatedly are hurtful. You would think adults would be just that-- adults. Hard to find.

Ugh.. Chairs... I live in the Philippines where the average woman would be about 5 -5'2 tall and weigh anywhere from 90-110 lbs. Me? I'm at 260+.
Chairs are a nightmare for me.
When I was in nursing school the armchair could barely fit half my *** so I had to take a right-arm chair and left-arm chair and put it together to be comfortable. Of course people would look.. did I care... yes I did but I figure if I tried to balance one butt cheek on a chair and left the other side hanging I would only have half of a semi-toned butt. LOL
People here are also fond of monoblock chairs. They are supposed to be heavy duty up to 350lbs but if I sat on it.. especially on a tiled or marbled floor... the legs just kinda spread out.. OH the horror of trying to look like nothing is wrong or just waiting for it to give way. HAHAHAHA
Ya I can laugh about it now but there was nothing funny about it while it was happening.