I just saw a picture of myself and was shattered at how large I look. Now I am not that self-deluded that I think that I am svelte but any means. I know that I am "morbidly obese". I just didn't know what I really looked like. When I got home today, after seeing the awful snaps, I just bawled.
The only way out of this mess is to stick to the program and be patient but it is so hard to feel miserable about myself all the time even when I successfully work the diet. I feel like a repulsive person--a second-class citizen who just can't dredge up any self-worth. I have deeply internalized the stigmas about fat in our society and am letting it define who I am as I overlook all the great things I have going. I am obese and, in my mind, that overrides everything else.
Sorry for the huge pity party I just had to vent where people are so supportive. I promised to be positive for the rest of the day and focus not on my body which doesn't deserve so much hate.
I know that feeling very well. You're right that it's hard to keep going with your plan when you feel down on yourself. Just keep trying to counter the negative self-talk with positive. If that nasty voice in your head tells you something bad about yourself, then answer it! "I may not be in great shape right now but I'm working hard to get healthy." You are not repulsive, you are not a bad person, you're just in a bad situation that is going to change.
I have really found a lot of strength in not letting those voices get to me -- the ones that tell me I'm hopeless, I'm not worth it, or that "it doesn't matter, might as well eat what I want." I've become a firm believer in "fake it 'til you make it." Believe it or not, the more I take care with my appearance -- clothes, hair, makeup, whatever -- the more inspired I am to keep on track. I've been able to turn exercise from something I hate and dread to something that feels empowering. You have to work at changing the negative thoughts to positive, and sometimes the negative thoughts are so ingrained it's hard to recognize them! But just keep trying, keep trying, push away the unhappiness that those pictures brought you today, and pat yourself on the back for sticking with it, for coming here and reaching out and putting one foot in front of the other.
I know what you mean. When I was over 300, I would get dirty looks everywhere I went. Once I hit 280, I realized one day while I was grocery shopping that people weren't doing it anymore! Yay! So you're not far away from feeling and looking a whole lot better. 30 pounds makes a huge difference!
I know what you mean. I am where you are right now. I can't get out of this funk I'm in. I just feel awful about myself. I am fighting through it everyday. I got a real good glimpse of myself in the mirror at Pilates and I could barely finish the class. I have to just keep pushing myself and know that this won't last long.
I know what you mean. When I was over 300, I would get dirty looks everywhere I went. Once I hit 280, I realized one day while I was grocery shopping that people weren't doing it anymore! Yay! So you're not far away from feeling and looking a whole lot better. 30 pounds makes a huge difference!
This makes me furious. Scr** the idiots giving you dirty looks! People are so frigging mean!
I agree with what others have said. I would just add that every 10 pounds makes me FEEL better--today I went for a walk and felt 100% better than I did trying to walk the same distance 6 months ago. Look for signs of progress wherever they come from and focus on those.
Funniegirl pretty much said it all and we all have been there, but we must leave there and move on to somewhere else. No one said it would be easy, but it is certainly going to be worth the trip. So let's take this trip together. I do not know if you pray, but if you do, continue and if you don't I suggest you start. I could not walk this walk without Him. I have been exactly where you are, so are you ready.? If yes, then let's get set and go!!! I would also like to invite you to the Positive Uplifting thread, where we have to say one positive thing about ourselves, and it does not have to be about weight, big or small it all counts. You will be surprised.
Shia, I will be PM'ing you.
Happy Easter to all,
Aggie
Last edited by colormerd47; 04-12-2009 at 03:14 AM.
oh honey i know just how you feel. the same thing happened to me not too long ago. of course, i was in the freezer section of the grocery store (ha) and i saw myself in the reflection of the door... it was so awful.
it sucks that fat people are made to feel like we are somehow less worthy of ...well, everything. it's like it's the last acceptable prejudice... it infuriates me. but you are NOT a second class citizen. please don't feel that way.
I know too. I used to call myself horrible horrible bad names in my head when I was over 300#. I did it for years. But ~ I had to start learning to respect and love myself BEFORE I was able to seriously commit to a new, healthy lifestyle which includes losing weight.
One big thing for me was, just that first day totally on-plan. Really! After that first day, I felt a tiny bit better about myself. After the first week, still better. First MONTH, wow, better! After I got under 299, WOW!! MUCH better! And now ~ I'm not thin, but I am MUCH MUCH healthier and more energetic than I was when I started. I've lost seven sizes! And I don't look as good as I did when I wore a 14, in 2003, but I'm getting there FAST! I look BETTER but I feel FABULOUS!!!
Just one day started me on my way. You will feel better and better and better about yourself as you progress. You really will!
The first time I saw myself in a big mirror when I was 340+ pounds I about threw up. I was shocked at how I looked and I mean I took a long hard look. I even looked at myself naked and was just devastated.
Now I look at myself a bit differently. I know I have issues and well there are some hanging things here and there, like my huge stomach, but it isn't like when I was 340 pounds. I look "normal" and I can stand there and really look and not get sick to my stomach. The thing is I've noticed that while I look normal I don't get the looks and such as I did when I was 340 pounds. People just see a "big girl" who "needs to lose weight" but before they saw a huge whale of a tale who was disgusting.
As you loose more weight you start looking at yourself differently. I kind of like to think that i'm looking at "me" not the huge wall of blubber that surrounds me. Maybe that makes sense...
Hi baby CatWuv -- I know you were sad yesterday, hope today is better. One thing I notice is that when I stand up straight and look people in the eye, act confident (the "fake it 'til you make it" part) -- then people treat me great and I start to think better of myself. Being fat is just a little part of life, it's not life.
Another thing ... I've been listening to this "guided imagery" CD by Belleruth Naparstek on losing weight, and one of the things in there that's interesting is it talks about the body almost as if it is another person, and tells us to be kind to it ... words like this:
In spite of its alleged imperfections, more and more I can consider that my body is my ally, my oldest friend and my steadiest companion. I'm grateful for my body for staying with me in spite of any unkindness and ill will I felt toward it.
I think there might be something to this, like caring for a close friend that needs our help. I've been listening to this tape for a week, and for some reason I'm eating way less and not hungry. There, of course, could be other reasons for that, but I do think it's giving me a new way to think about my body -- and new ways of thinking shake up the neurons. I'm sure there are other tapes out there, I just happen to have picked this one up a couple of years ago and never listened to it until last week.
I love the Naparstek tape/CD. I used it every day when I first started and it really helped. I can't say that it had a direct effect on my eating less or anything, but it certainly gave me some needed "focus time" and was just very calming and soothing and positive.
I know exactly hwo you feel as well! I just joined a gym a few weeks ago and last week I did my first "class it was a latin aerobics class called ZUmba... and they have huge mirrors and I really really saw my self for the first time! I almsot cried... It was so hard ot finish the class... I came home and felt so depressed. but then I realized THAT is why I'm doing what I'm doing! I am fixing the problem! I'm not any longer one of those people who complain abotu things but do nothing abotu it! I'm acting! I'm fixing my problem and so are you! be proud! you are getting there!
I know how you feel too. The before pic in my sig is part of a set taken in April 2005 -- right near my high weight. I couldn't believe what my body and face looked like in those pictures. I was so depressed about that. And about not being able to shop in stores -- everything!
The good news is that you CAN make a difference in your life. As others say, every bit you lose can make a difference.
And even without losing a pound, I do think it's important to remind ourselves of all the ways we are worthy and not to let our weight define us.
Just Saw How I Really Look--Help!
I just had to vent where people are so supportive
. I promised to be positive for the rest of the day and focus not on my body which doesn't deserve so much hate.
