I'm apologizing beforehand because I really have meant to get to personals and I just can't seem to get it together to post them (and yes, I know that I don't *need* to, but I'd really like to). I have every intention of catching up on personals either late tonight or tomorrow at some point.

I have been very ready to give up for the last few days. I've even missed doses of my medicine and just haven't really cared at all. I'm angry, sad, and amused at the same time, and it's really throwing me through a loop. I'm angry because I am killing myself, sad because I've already missed out on so many things, and I'm not even sure why I'm amused, because I've been really depressed as of late.

I got my lab results back from the health fair today, and they explain a great deal. I'm not going to go into it completely here, but you can read my blog to find out exactly what happened. The basic problem is that my last doctor assured me that my thyroid medication was working and my levels were normal and I didn't need to worry about it for a while. Now, my thyroid is much worse than it has ever been, and I feel cheated because that's quite a bit of time that I feel I lost. Not only that, but it could also be the cause of the fluid retention rather than CHF - and I don't even need to explain how much of a stress that has been. Suffice it to say that I am angry. An anger that will not easily be placated.

I'd go for a walk, but alas I stepped on a rock last night during my walk and now my heel is bruised and very painful. So I am instead going to read a book and get away from here for a bit. Hope everyone is doing well, and I will check in soon.

I slept until noon, and although I needed the sleep, I hate getting such a late start to the day. I've eaten too much to the point that I am sick. If I had to guess, I'd say I gained at least another 10 pounds. At least now I know what is causing this I think. I am so uncomfortable in dress clothes, and the situations that I have to wear them to, that I feel crushed. I spent a lot of time on a new dress suit, and I looked so bad in it, that I ended up not wearing it. I won't have that option in Ontario next month. I lived such a sheltered hidden life for so long, that all this being in public around high profile events is just so hard on me. My husband and I talked about it, and until I get to the point where I am more comfortable in my skin, there's not going to be pressure on me to go to these kinds of functions. I'm going to try to just hold it together long enough for the big award ceremony, but after that, when we travel to these conferences, I get to just walk around or shop in the area, and work on my school work. No pressure to attend functions. We have a dichotomy that I look horrible, and feel that way at these functions, but he drags me to them because he is so proud of me that we wants to show me off. I told him the story of John Glenn and his wife, and that allowed him to finally understand how I was feeling. It wasn't that he wasn't listening to me, or didn't care, it just didn't compute for him. I was so overweight, so outside what a normal human being looks like, that I completely lost who I was. I am slowly regaining that, bits by bits, and all this anxiety wasn't normal going on a trip nervousness. It was something more. I was trying to force myself into situations I didn't want to be in, wasn't comfortable in, or wasn't ready for. I am going to have to slow down on some things until I am ready for them. Just like I didn't lose the first 200 lbs in a year, I am not going to be able to reintegrate into society overnight. I am rebuilding my life from scratch, and some things are just going to take longer than I'd like for them to.

Patty -- Have fun in Massachusetts, but be prepared for RED SOX fever!! They have won their division and are going to the playoffs!! :woohoo:

brandnewme -- I haven't read your blog for the details, but I hope you can start caring again and let the anger leave. Find a way to center yourself!

Catherine -- You are very very wise (even if you don't always think so) and I so appreciate you sharing your challenges here with us. It sounds like Himself is a man who can be persuaded by reason and that he loves you dearly. I think you're so right that you need to be more comfortable in your skin and it sounds like you ARE making progress in that direction all the time. :hug:

Ammi, glad to hear that you're getting back on track. You can do this! I hope you and Daren enjoyed your time alone together this weekend!

Heather, are things going better for you now? Were you able to nip it in the bud and get back on track? Thanks for your support and encouragement. I really do appreciate it. I am a bit better tonight, but still very angry. It explains a lot, so it gives me hope that I can and will be "normal" again and will be able to start getting this weight off once and for all.

Meta, your comment, "I've decided that I've got to work with what I've got, and what I've got is a girl who will probably always live to eat a little bit." really hit home with me. That's exactly how I feel. I wish you luck in reigning in "that girl" when you need to. Sometimes it's a very hard balance, but I know you can do it. Sorry to hear you're having a slow week loss-wise. That's always very frustrating.

Battle, I am also a very introverted person. I was surprised to read that you are, because like Meta said earlier in this thread, you seem like such a social person. It's amazing that you have been able to get out there and do the things you do. I can't imagine myself doing that, but I hope that in the future, I will be a little less introverted and a little more able to deal with the "outside" world.

Annie, Annie, Annie.. what can I say? You amaze me more and more each day. You are doing fantastic! You absolutely blow me away! Good luck with the job interviews. I know you will take their breath away!

Story, how long have you been on Synthroid? Have you found that you have to have it adjusted more now that you're losing weight? I'm glad they were able to get it to the right level. I'm sure it makes you feel much better, since I know how miserable it is without it.

Catherine, I'm glad you're back safe and sound. As always, your post really made me think. I think it's wonderful that you've realized you're just not ready to be "out there" like that, because I think far too many of us try to push ourselves into doing something we're not comfortable with.

Xena, how's school going? How're you doing otherwise?

Litchick, how are things going? I had to chuckle at you locking yourself outside, but only because I've done that so many times that I have to laugh at myself. The first time I did it, I locked all of my keys inside with my cell phone. My sister was out of town, and she was the only one who had a spare key. I ended up having to walk about 2 miles to get to a gas station so I could call and say I was going to be late. I definitely got in my exercise that day!

Val, congrats on the new job! I'm so glad you're enjoying it so far. I'm so proud of you for being so OP! You're such an inspiration too. You always have encouraging (and most of the time, funny!) words for everyone.

Luan, congrats on the weight loss, and on finding your brother! He's not too far from me, actually. That's awesome that you were able to find him on Myspace. Sorry to hear his adopted family hasn't treated him very well.

Lindsey, I'm absolutely thrilled that your first date went so well, and even more thrilled that you're spending the weekend with the boy!

Sharon, good luck with the liquids! I know it's hard to get back on track and be on liquids only, but I know you can do it! Let us know how it goes! Congrats on the loss so far, too. Is Derby & Derbyshire two different places? The reason I ask is because I have a friend who moved to Derby a year ago. She's from the US but recently married someone from the UK.

Donna, sorry to hear about the lawn/window accident! At least it's almost time to not need to mow anymore! Also sorry to hear about BIL's mom. It's sad that they've put the memorial/burial off until after the weekend. How are you doing otherwise?

Ratkity, how're you feeling? Hopefully you've been sleeping better. My mom has to wear a CPAP mask at night as well, and I know she's completely miserable after the first couple days of not wearing it. Congrats on meeting your goal for the month!

Debbie, how're you doing? Congrats on the loss, and the NSVs too! I'm glad the metformin is working for you!

Nancy, I hope things are calming down now. It's always stressful to move, and especially an office move because there are just so many things to consider, and so many things that could go wrong that totally foul up the rest of the move. Sorry to hear it's been so stressful!

Phyra, welcome to the group! You'll love it here. We have the most awesome ladies and John here!

Vicki, you look awesome! I'm glad the surgery was such a success for you. You definitely deserved it! And congrats on being able to move the ticker down!

Peggy, I'm going to ask you the same question I asked Story. How long have you been on Synthroid? Have you had many problems with adjusting the levels? It's good to hear that they're finally paying attention to you. My next step is seeing an endo, but will have a pretty lengthy wait since I have to go out of town.

Patti, glad you're hanging in there. Have fun going to MA!

Jilly, John, and all the other MIA people, where are you? Let us know how you're doing!

I started Levothyroxine in May and have had my blood drawn every 6-8 weeks and they adjusted it upwards each time. Altho the last time I had to ASK them to bump it up because they felt I was just outside the "normal" range. The TSH levels were going down which is *good*, but this last draw they went UP so they bumped my dosage again. I am still having a sit down with the doc on Tuesday and I will ask if it might be a good time to see an endo. I know it can take a long time to get regulated on the meds, but I don't want to let it go too long.

BNM, Derby is like your equivalent of a state/county 'capital', Derbyshire is the county, there are lots of counties in the Uk but for some reason the area I live in is a 'shire', there's Nottinghham-shire, leicester-shire & Derby-shire, the first bit being the 'capital' town/city. Don't feel silly, I often have no idea where people are talking about on here, regading the US states, when they use initials! Better to ask & know than remain silent!!!lol. So sorry about your dr, I will read your blog later, but boy they p**s me off! They think they know EVERYTHING, but we know our own bodies & when something is wrong, they OUGHT TO TRY LISTENING TO US!!xxxxxx
Gotta go, taking the boys cycling, we walk as I can't ride a bike, the shame!!lol
xxxxxxsharon
ps Catherine who's wife? I have no idea of who this is & why it relates to you.xxxx

Sandybar, welcome back and therefore, welcome HOME! Please post often. I find that is what makes me accountable.

Brandnew, I wanted to let you know about my thyroid experiences... they have been awful. I was diagnosed in 2001 with a TSH of 89. I was having swelling, terrible heart "skips" and some palpitations (one doc said I was stressed) and memory loss. For 2 years prior, I went from doc to doc. I knew my thyroid was whacked, but the numbers weren't showing. I have since read that hormones are stored in fat (I was 340-350lbs at the time) and I believe that it took nearly 2 years for it show on the lab tests. I was on synthroid initially at 100 mcg/day and was still tired and with ZERO energy. One of the bad things working in the medical field, I have a tendency to self-diagnose. So I bumped up the TSH to 150 mcg. In the meantime, I had gotten another job and moved, and therefore, had a new doc. My TSH was hanging a little below 0.5, but I didn't want to change it. A few more doc changes and 100 lb weight loss, and the lab results said my TSH was 0.1 ..OOPS. . that's too low. Doc dropped me to 137.5 mcg.. watched it, and the we went to 125 mcg. I'm doing ok now. One of the things he said that will happen if the TSH number is too low is osteoporosis. Right now, my TSH is hanging at 1.5 and I'm happy. Oh, and I also switched to Levothyroxine because this last doc said batches have been tested to be more stable than synthroid.

I hope you get your thyroid troubles fixed. They caused heart troubles, hair loss, nasty skin problems, memory troubles and a myriad of other problems. One other tiny bit of advice is be patient... it takes up to 6 weeks for any hormone level to stablize in your blood. Don't get tested too early!

Luv and Hugs,
Ratkity

Hi All,

It’s Sunday and this is the first time this weekend that I have had chance to post. Yesterday Daren and I spent most of the day off the computers and just enjoying each others company. It made a really nice change. Today I’ve cleaned right through my house, and have home made stew on the boil. It’s been a busy day, but at least it means that tomorrow I can concentrate on just my exercise and catching up on my emails :D

Sita - that’s great that your company pays for you to go to the gym and that it is so close. I am sure you will get loads of work outs done. As for the restrictions and dieting I know what you mean, but I am on WW and I really don’t feel restricted most of the time. It’s wonderful to eat what you want as long as you count the points. Of course there are days when I am out of points and I want something else to eat. It’s on those days that I feel the restrictions, but it’s just the same as your healthy eating approach because you would still know you shouldn’t really eat something else. Anyway whatever you decide, WW or not, I think you sound determined to lose the weight and I am sure you will do it.

Peggy - how are you feeling now? I know what you mean about not coming here and just being a downer, I often feel like that. But I’ll tell you what everybody tells me, when you are down that is THE time when you should come here. We’ll cheer you up, or at least be here to listen even if all you want to say is that you feel blah blah blah :hug:

Annie - sorry you didn’t see a loss when you weighed last, but like you said, it must be muscle building up because you know you have been an angel when it comes to your eating. I am sure at your next WI you will see those lbs shifting again.

Meta - :rofl: oh yes it is good that I had a good week with regards to being OP. It’s just a good job I don’t let that time confusion you mentioned confuse me into not knowing what meal I should be eating and when :lol:

BattleAx - I am looking forward to reporting a loss soon too, but as I know a bad WI regardless of knowing I’ve been good and OP etc will really set me back, I’m staying away from the scales. When I do weigh again though I should definitely see some lbs gone :yes: Seems you are in the same boat, not wanting to be discouraged if you weigh and don’t see a good result :hug:

Story - it will be wonderful to be losing 1 or 2 lbs a week and not feeling hungry in the process. I would love to feel like that. I know I have lost over 100 lbs, but I still feel like I could tuck into as much food as before. My tummy doesn’t feel like it has shrunk at all :dizzy:

Lindsey - a whole weekend away with the ‘boy’ I hope you have a great time and I look forward to hearing all about it :D

Vicki - I was so busy commenting on how I know how you feel when you look at your before pics, that I forgot to mention WOW how brilliant you look in your current pictures!! You do look amazing :cp: Congrats on your latest amazing weight loss, you must be so pleased :yes:

Patti - hey you only just got back and now you are going to shoot off again :D I hope you have a brilliant time. How are you finding you are doing with your eating with being on the road as much? Good luck on Monday at the doctors both with weighing and of course with the check up itself :hug:

Val - not long now until you get to that lowest weight you mentioned. Like you said you are in the zone, so you will get there and the lbs are going to keep flying off. I wish I could get fully back into the zone :yes:

Debbie - I know I said it in my email, but just wanted to acknowledge it here too :woohoo: on the brilliant weight loss this week :cp:

RK - :wave: Hope you have had a good weekend.

Sharon - :wave: soon as I post this I’ll look for you on MSN. If I don’t catch you then I am sure I will catch you tomorrow :D

Donna - sorry to hear about your BIL’s mom passing away. It’s sad that she gave up the will to live after she lost her husband. My ex MIL was like that, but it took 10 years before she finally got to join her husband in heaven.

Brandnewme - I’m sorry you are feeling so angry right now. I know it sucks that a misdiagnosis can cause all the problems it has done, but try to focus on the positives, that you will hopefully get things under control now, feel much better and be better able to lose the weight too :hug: I hope your foot will be less sore soon too.

Catherine - I am glad you got home safely, though I am sorry to hear you aren’t feeling the best. One of the wonderful things about you is that when you have a problem you can really sit down and figure out what is causing it and work out a way to work with it. I am glad hubby is supportive of you and understands how you are feeling a big :hug: for you both.

Sandy - welcome back!! I am so glad to see you posting again and hope you can check in regularly again. Don’t sweat it about your weight gain. You lost it before and you know you can lose it again especially now you are back here where you have all our support and encouragement :hug:

Well I better go check on my stew, make sure it hasn’t boiled dry :rofl: Take care all and if I don’t post later I’ll see you all on the new weekly thread tomorrow.

Hugs,

Ammi :chicken:

Hi everyone,

No time for personals but wanted to write in about the photo shoot yesterday. The walk up the steps of Telegraph Hill from the very bottom to the top and Coit Tower is reaaaaalllllllly long. It is a steep, long climb. Everyone was working hard to get to the top, even the young'uns. I was the last one to make it, even though some of the group members were in their 60s, one having just come off chemo and radiation. That was the bad news. The good news was that I made it without having a heart attack, and that 3 months ago I would have been wheezing and coughing and it would have taken twice as long.

There was a little too much solicitousness for the fat lady going on, too much asking if I was ok, etc., but I suppose that is to be expected from others trying to be sensitive to a 300# woman hoisting herself up an enormous hill.

I hadn't had time to prepare my comments for my bit of the video, so I sat down to scribble out some thoughts, and when I looked up the group was gone. So I missed a good part of the photo shoot, and they had to do a special shoot not in the original list of shoot locations to get me in after we all finally found each other again. The light was going down, and we set up in a park at the bottom of the hill, which was noisy--lots of traffic and overhead plane/helicopter noise. I'm not sure how the video of my part will come out, but I'm proud of myself for doing it and being gentle with myself. I didn't beat myself up for having to do several takes to get it right when some others can knock it out of the park in the first try. I'm not a natural at this but I am determined and it is great for me to stretch myself. The team was great and very encouraging. My 20 seconds is but a tiny part of the effort.

We all got tshirts with piggies on the front. Mine is an XL. Maybe next year it will fit. I don't think it's a great idea for a morbidly obese woman to wear a tshirt with a piggy head on it anyway lol. (for clarification the film is a family animation movie starring pigs).

When it's done I'll let you know where to find it on the internet. I'll have to figure out how to do it and follow 3fc rules.

Oh, and today I'm down 4 lbs. It's the first loss in 3 weeks. My pattern is similar to Ratkitty's.

Story, How's the cat watching going? I hope you've bonded :lol: Will the not being able to tolerate some foods ever go away or is it always going to be like that for you?

Annie, too bad one of the gyms couldn't combine all of the features you like so you only had to go to one. But on the other hand, I guess you get a change of scenery when you visit both gyms. We only have a Curves here in town. All the rest of the gyms are in Burlington which is about 10 miles away. Not that far, but I would rather have one closer so if I got my bike, I could just ride there. If I tried to ride to Burlington, I would be worn out before I could get there. :rofl:
I hope you get the job that you want...good luck!

Hi Catherine, so glad you had a safe trip. Too tired to sleep, I hate when that happens. I sure hope you got out and enjoyed yourself some though.
The pressures we put ourselves thru for the ones we love. And I'm sure he appreciates it so much, but you need to take care of yourself, and I'm glad to see that you did just that by discussing it with him. He is such a good man from what you have written, and so proud of you. Take baby steps back in to society, which I see you are going to do too. It IS such a big step to get out there again. I know how you feel about making the pantsuit and then not looking the way you wanted to in it. I made my dress for my son's wedding last year and wasn't happy with it at all, but I still had to wear it because I didn't have anything else and no money to go buy something. All we can do is learn from each experience. You've got such a good attitude on how to handle things.

Ratkity, Hurray!! on making your goal of exercise for the month. That's no easy task.

Sharon, sounds like you are doing really well. Keep up the good work. The numbers on the scale should be moving downward in no time for you.

TOFFU, you're going to do just fine at the docs. Have a great trip and take pictures!!

Brandnewme, Don't you just hate when those docs mess up? They certainly should of been able to tell you about your TSH levels if they weren't right. Is that the reason you went to another doctor? Please don't give up on yourself though. By you not taking your meds, you're going to only hurt yourself more to where you can't acheive your goals. This will get better!!! Things just have to work out and they will. Just don't give up. LIfe is so stressful as it is, and then to deal with the health issues is twice as hard, but you can do this! Have faith, and just know that this is another hurdle that you have to jump. Hopefully your poor heel will heal soon and you can get out there walking. Exercise always seems to get the endorfins going to where you get a "good" feeling.

Hi Sandy, Welcome back. Wow! Sounds like you've really had a rough go of it lately. First off, let me tell you how sorry I am to hear about you're Mom. Just know she is in a better place. Secondly, yay!! on getting your son back. Sixteen years of not having him in your life...You've got alot of time to make up. It's so sad how someone can influence another to make them turn their back on family. I'm so happy for you to have him back in your life. Hold him tight!! Hopefully things can get back to normal for you to where you can concentrate on yourself more and start getting those 20 lbs back off. We all know that you can do it and it's great that you came back to be accountable again. Just take one step at a time so things aren't so overwhelming as it can be at times. Good luck to you!!

Battleax, I'm just so proud of you!!! You did amazing on your hike up that hill and it's wonderful that you will be in a video. I know a movie star now!!!! YaY!!! on losing those pounds too. You're doing so well. :hug:

Raining raining raining....that's what we're getting right now. The winds have picked up and it's cold. But I love it...:lol: thought I was going to complain huh? We made homemade chili yesterday and it was so good. I did have some pringles too, which I'm sorry I ate now...but isn't that the way it always is. I'm going to try and commit to the exercise thread also. I'm going for 1000 minutes. Other than that, not much else is happening. We were hoping to get a cover over our doorway into the house, but it didn't happen so every time we open it we get soaked. If it ever stops, maybe we can get it up then.
Have a good Sunday and stay OP
Debbie

brandnewme -- I have managed to nip that weight gain in the bud. In the spring I gained 8 pounds. I think I've lost 7 and am mostly fitting back into the clothes I fit into before. My goal is to gain no more this term. I'm taking it one day as a time, as always. I hope you can get yourself on track as well!! :hug:

Sandy -- WELCOME BACK! You should never feel bad about coming back here. We love seeing people return, even if you gained every ounce back and then some we would welcome you back with open arms. Sounds like things have been tough lately -- good luck on getting back on track!

BattleAx -- Congrats for making it up that hill! I know from experience what it's like to be the last lonely one finishing something like that!

Maybe we can figure out now if the link would violate any rules. Is the video about something someone is selling? Or asking for donations for anything? PM me if you want!

I'm still alive! The office move is done! :dancer:

I am back on track with everything as of tomorrow. I am already breathing easier and feeling more like myself again. However, it is 11:00 and I haven't had dinner yet, so I am off to do that now. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

I'm very tired and fighting off being really sick, so I can't answer all that I'd like to before I go back to bed. But I had to send hugs out to SANDY. I'm so glad you're back. I'm so sorry too about your relationship with your mom. For her to say the things she did and cause the hurt she did, when you clearly have wonderful qualities that she lacked, it's a sad thing and so unfair. I'm so glad you have your own son back, and I wish you lots of love in your life, and all the healing that you need. Some things can't be healed because they're just out of our control, but some things can. And sometimes we have blessings that we simply charish and grow to outweigh the heartbreaks, because the blessings are what we need and deserve to hold deepest in our hearts. Charish your boy, and other loves in your life, and the fact that you have a heart for such love. You've already started this journey, and that bit of weight that's back will be burned and sent off again. I'm so glad you're back, SANDY. Hang in there!

BATTLE- You rock lady! I'm so proud of you for conquering that hill, and for the progress you made so far!

The horse show today went great. It was just a 'fun' show, and they won candy bars instead of ribbons. My hard-to-unload horse is learning to unload much more easily, and the weather absolutely could not possibly have been more perfect. I only wish I wasn't fighting off this horrible cold. Starting a new job and trying to learn new things is far more challenging when you're trying not to die and your brain is in slow motion.

Back to bed now. I hope I feel more alive in the morning.

I wish everyone a strong Monday, good choices, and better health!

Hello everyone,

I'm Nicole - and new here! Lots of inspiring posts and information. Thank you so much!

Started up here hoping that posting might inspire me to keep up and make my latest plan successful. Nearing 400 lbs, just a few months before my 22nd birthday is pretty scary!

I should probably be sleeping instead of posting! Goodnight.