How can my thinking be so warped? HOW??? I feel fat again, I feel like the fat on my abdomen is so much tighter, because there is more of it again and it has no where to go. I can't fit into clothes, I think I look much worse than I did, I obviously don't feel better at a heavier weight. AND, I woke up during the night last night with a very similar discomfort in my abdomen that I used to have that in the past had me thinking it may have been gallstones (that was cleared up with ultrasound). When it lasted, it used to come on after eating a lot of fat. i.e. last night.
I am tired and I feel really sad..and I don't know how to make myself feel better. which I am sure is increasing the desire to go out and buy chocolate and cookies... such junk!! I am going to the gym this morning, but the gym is situated right next to a grocery store. All morning I have had this debate in my head of
- "no, do not do it, you don't need it and you know it will only make you feel worse!"
- "but a little bit won't hurt and it would feel soo good"
- "it's not a little bit, it's a lot, and it has already hurt, made you gain back so much weight!! you know how awful you feel when you look in the mirror and see the number on the scale, remember how great you used to feel seeing that number get lower and lower?!"
- "silence.." somewhere in the distance of my head though: "but a little bit won't hurt and it feels so good!"
UGH! What the ****!! And I realized the other day that on some level, I don't believe I could ever look that good. It's as though I believe that despite eating healthy and exercising, I will remain obese/overweight and that won't ever change.
And at the same time I feel so awful that I just want to be comforted and I keep turning to food for that comfort. And I'm sorry, I feel like I keep whining. I don't mean to be I just wanted to get some perspective from you guys.