A few days before my TOM I had a positive weigh-in, though not as positive as I would have liked. Then I started eating poorly, because it helps with my TOM emotional state. That ended several days ago, but I cannot get myself back on track. Even though I have seen progress, and can already fit into smaller clothes than before, I feel hopeless. I don't honestly feel like I am losing this weight for myself because (a) I can't see myself, (b) I don't have any major health concerns, and (c) I know I am more than numbers on a scale. And it makes me mad that I have to lose weight to be considered a real, full-fledged woman and human being. It is not fair!
I figure, I do not wish to be approved of by people who think less of me for the extra baggage. And so I think I have been eating in a somewhat protest. I still walk for exercise, and I really would love to dance more, but I have so long to go and all I am finding after all these months of tiny successes is that I may never even reach my goal. Even if I lose the weight, I will still have the 'fat girl' mindset, and I won't lose the stretch marks, and I may not even lose the cellulite (which, I might add, was not so bad until I started losing weight). To top it off, I would no longer know who valued me for me, or for my slim physique. So what is the point of all this struggle?
I know this is entirely the wrong point of view, but I can't help it. I don't have a boyfriend or husband, who maybe could snap me out of this. I have one friend who lives near enough to me that I spend a lot of time with her, but she does not understand. She has always been skinny, and recently gained a spare tire, so she thinks her world is over. That sort of thinking both makes me feel worse yet more angry, and therefore less inclined to exercise and eat right like I know I should. I could go on (and on, and on), but I think you all get the drift. I just honestly do not care what I look like, and I don't see why anyone else should.
ladyjames63 – I can understand how you’re feeling, considering I have spent the entire month of March off track. And only these past 4 days I have refocused on my goals. Sometimes I think why? Especially when I’m around friends & food, why am I making an effort, it’s not like my husband doesn’t find me attractive, or I have somehow become immobile by my weight. Some of my best spent times have been around a dinner table. And honestly I don’t really care what others think about me. I can find clothes in my size easily and I look dam good when I want to at least in my and my hubby’s opinion.
But I’ll tell you what did it for me and it had absolutely nothing to do with weight.
About 5 months I left a job I had been at for 8 years the better part of my young adulthood, not by choice. It was then in this truly humbling moment that I realized, that with the weight I truly had become another person. As the pounds added on so did the defensive and negative attitude that subsequently comes along with being overweight in a skinny world. Just because I don’t really care what others think about me doesn’t mean I don’t feel the sting of comments.
I’m not just shedding weight, I’m shedding another person.
And feeling healthy and looking better are just added benefits. I just wanted to share my reasons just incase you found something worthwhile.
Here's the thing... I'm at 263 and I am not a 20-something any longer (35). At 25 I didn't have any health problems either. Blood sugar was usually low, cholesterol was good, normal blood pressure, etc, and I weighed in at about 250ish then - I have lost about 30 pounds since fall '05, I was up to 290. But now, only ten years later, all of that is completely reversed. It's not so much how you look and how healthy you are today. It can be a matter of what your health will be a few years down the road. I really wish I'd never given up ten years ago... I might not be on so many medications today.
So, you're right, it shouldn't matter what the numbers are. But keep in mind if you don't get it under control now, your 250ish may someday turn into 300ish and a bunch of medical problems. Just a thought... I don't mean to be a ranting old lady, but... I've been where you are and I understand. It isn't fair, it isn't right that physical appearance matters so much. But I've had to forget that part and realize that my health, ****, my LIFE is on the line.
Good luck and I'll be thinking happy thoughts for you!
I feel you, I totally do. All of the things you said I said too. I think at that point for me it was just a way of making another excuse to wimp out on losing weight. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but for me that's exactly what it was (of course I couldn't see that until after I was done feeling that way). As Dalai said, you may not have health problems now, but that's an even better reason to lose now instead of when they onset. You know how many people use their health problems as yet another excuse to not workout etc.? If you wander through the boards you'll find it. And numbers are meaningless, but this is what got me...After I had lost 25 pounds I picked up a 25 pound dumbbell and I was astounded at how heavy it felt. I think we don't realize how taxing the extra weight is on our bodies until its gone. Please keep your head up, there are always going to be rough patches and set backs, but it is so worth it. And as Dalai also said, sometimes if you aren't trying to get it under control, the weight just keeps adding on. I know that if I hadn't started losing, I would have kept on gaining. Rant when you need to rant, even pout and cry (I know I do), but then get over it and keep on going!!!
And I completely agree. According to my doctor, I am in tip-top shape. Cholesterol, blood pressure, etc, all perfect. But at the same time, I know I can't continue to go to McDonald's 3 days a week and expect to have good health in the future. Shoot, somedays I feel like I'm 60, not 28! I want to feel 28! I know you say you don't care how you'll look, but think about how you'll feel without having to drag extra weight around with you!
Please don't give up. It's one of those days... We all have them... I should be having one soon... LOL. Keep you head up!
LadyJames, I know how you are feeling. Sometimes I have those days, like today, when I wonder why I'm doing this. Is it really going to be worth it? I have no health problems either and whenever I go to the doctor he is always baffled by it.
I'm glad you decided to come here and post your feelings. We need to vent sometimes. Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones feeling a certain way. I definitely understand how you feel but please don't give up.
Ladyjames, I second what everyone else has already said. This is a hard battle, mentally and physically. We live in a judgemental society, which stinks. But it's not going to change. I have the same doubts and frustrations as you. I think a lot of us do. I met my BF after I lost weight, and I wonder what he would have thought of me or if we would have started dating if I had met him when I was heavier. But I just can't do that to myself. It's too hard to play those mind games. I guess I just have faith that he loves me no matter what. Eating "in protest" as you say doesn't help get back at anyone you're mad at, it only hinders your own efforts.
It is fine to be upset sometimes, but then you've got to keep going. Keep in mind that you're doing this for your health. As Lockitup said, think of the 25-lb dumbbell image - we don't realize how hard carrying this weight is on our bodies. I try to look at my much heavier aunts and uncles, whose health began failing in their 40's. I saw a human body display over the holidays (literally - human bodies - sounds gory but it's very scientific and educational) that compared cross-sections of the middle of a 135-lb. man to 500+ pound man, head to toe. The difference was astounding. You could see how the fat this 500+ man carried distorted every single organ and tissue. It woke me up about the importance of maintaining my loss. This is for you, your body, your health, your life.
I'm sorry you don't have a lot of in-person support there with you. But always remember you have us! Best of luck - you can do it!
You could always eat healthy in protest. As in, you're not going to be one of those women who lives off of diet pop and soda crackers. You're going to feed yourself lots of fruits and vegetables. So instead of caving in to the "women must be thin and deny themselves food" culture, you'd be thinking, "I'm taking care of my body by feeding it healthy foods!"
As for figuring out who likes you for the right reasons... people's real attitudes will show in many ways. And, you can always overhear what they say about overweight people. You'll still be able to find out what their real opinions are.
Everyone here is completely right, and totally great! It really should be about health, and not trying to look sexy or whatever other superficial bonuses come along. And as for having stretch marks and cellulite when you're thin-- isn't it better to have stretch marks and cellulite and be thin than have stretch marks and cellulite and be overweight?
Slippery Slope (Warning: Rant)
