What Would You Do?
 

Okay, so I remember I told you gals about my little encounter a few weeks back. I met the perfect guy online. I mean PERFECT! He loves the fact that I have Jobe, he's a christian (son of a pastor), he's a republican (an absolute MUST for me), he is an advocate for homeschooling (I want to be a full time home schooling mother, and he was home schooled his whole life), he's a marine (I love marines), and he is determined to have a good life. The problem, he doesn't like big women. I can't hold it against him because you can't help what your attracted to and what your not. So anyways, he doesn't know how big I am. I told him I was around 140 (I guesstimated how big I would be around the time we were talking about meeting). So now I guess I need advice. What should I do...how should I go about this? What would you do? This guy is just so perfect, I mean...he wants to get married soon (as he was raised), and he is just perfect for me!!! So, should I become a gym bunny? We are scheduled to have our first date on December 9th...the day after my 26th birthday. I need some advice :(

seems perfect.......... my experiance with online dates are all good... i have also made lots of friends... but be careful cause my friend when she went on a date and the guy told her everything that she wanted to hear... but she was seriously beaten and raped... just make sure where ever you go is well lighten and with lots of people and make sure is daytime outside....

Thanks sugarbutt - Well, for our first "date" we're supposed to go see 'the witch and the wardrobe' and actually, he assumed that I would be bringing Jobe (since I have issues getting anyone to watch him), and he was cool with that. So for our first date we're taking Jobe to the movies...how romantic, eh? But now I need to lose 31 pounds in the next 48 days. Okay, so at least anywhere close to this. Oh my God...I'm gonna need to live in the gym from tomorrow on!

Okay, so I've been doing a little math. At your age, height and weight, you would need to eat 1955 calories a day to maintain your weight if you sat on your butt all day long. You need to eat about 1200 calories to keep your body running properly. So, you have an excess there of 755. You need to burn 3000 calories to lose a lb. So, you would need to burn 93000 calories in 48 days. That's 1937.5 calories a day. Minus what you should be losing by eating 1200 calories, and that's 1182.5 calories a day. If you were to jog at 4 mph, you would have to do it for 204 minutes to burn that many calories. That's three hours and 24 minutes.

Unfortunately, every time you lose weight, those numbers will go up. So, it will be harder to lose the additional lbs. Calorie counting alone will not get you to your goal. I have some suggestions on how to lose that much weight that quickly, but I don't know if you'll still be interested. The first suggestion is: a whole lot of weight training. The more muscle you have, the more calories you burn simply by being alive. I'm sure you know that, though. You've already lost a lot of weight. Suggestion 2: try eating foods that are low on the glycemic index. Keeping your insulin level even will help you lose weight. Eat lots of small meals, about every three hours. This will also keep your insulin level even.

Alternately, you could just tell him. Honesty is usually good when beginning a relationship. Or, you could aim to lose only 20 lbs and then claim to be horribly bloated. Heh. Sorry. I met my boyfriend online, and I didn't tell him how much I weighed until the week we were meeting IRL, so I feel your pain. The worst part is that I was so nervous about him hating me for my weight that I put on about 20 lbs. (I had six months to worry about it. I could've lost 30 lbs relatively easily in that amount of time.)

Thanks Winter...great ideas. Unfortunately I fear that if I told him I weighed 171, I don't believe he would show up. So, low glycemic, every 3 hours...and be a gym bunny. Yep, just what I figured! Okay, so I'm gonna go for it, wish me luck! Any more advice/suggestions would be appreciated!

Hey Amanda, I read your post and I couldnt help but think...he's perfect for you, but are you perfect for him? HOLD ON, don't bite off my head. What I am trying to ask is would you REALLY want to be with someone who would not even show up on a date because you are heavier than you orginally said? Physical attraction is significant to any relationship but its not the end all. If your goal is to be 125 lbs...then why not tell him that...It seems like it would be incredibly saddening to really sit down and think about, but if he cant accept you for being 31 lbs does he really love/like you?

AND, you cannot forget that losing weight really quickly increases the chances of gaining it back really quickly.

When I read this I got a few different ideas. First, if he's not going to like you at whatever weight you are at, then is he even worth it? Second, If being at your goal before meeting him is that important to you, maybe you should push the meeting back so you won't be worried whether he'll like you because of your weight or not?

To be completely honest, if I was in your shoes right now, I would lose the weight, then schedule meeting each other. Even if it might be longer until you two meet, maybe it's worth it, so you can be confident in yourself??

Anyways, that's just my two cents.

This is exactly what I was thinking. What about emotional support? And unconditional like...(since it's too early for love). I mean it's good that he was honest but weight is a central part of the lives of the vast majority of the girls and guys on this website. I couldn't be with someone who would not be able to provide support for such an important aspect of my life.

Also, this makes me think...is there anything else he doesn't like? Would he be mean and rude to you if you didn't lose all the weight before you saw him? And what about friendship? Doesn't that come before the hot and heavy part of a relationship? Could he be a true friend to you as you are now?

If he was honest enough to say something like that then you should be honest too. No, that doesn't mean tell him exactly how much you weigh... it just means to be honest with yourself. He sounds like he's compatible with you...but I don't know. I'd be wary until you learn more about his thoughts and feelings. Get to know him more before you start to kill yourself over trying to lose the weight in such a short period of time.

I have to agree with "healthyme05."

To tell you the truth, i would never date a guy that couldn't be supportive of something like that. What if you gained back some weight and he would dislike you for it? what if you had a baby and gained some weight and after birth couldn't get it off quickly, would he not think you are sexy?


There is a difference in "looking past someone that is overweight" and "not being attracted at all with an overweight person." He might not look at a girl at first because she is overweight but once he meets and talks with her, her personality and everything else begins to shine, OR , he would never want to be seem with an overweight girl or want to be with one. You should REALLY reask him what he thinks of that.

My opinion on the weight loss is to eat healthy, exercise and you will lose some of it before you meet. I wouldn't try to lose that much that rapidly but if you lose 15-20 lbs., you will feel better and will be in smaller size clothing.

I do have one other comment. I don't recommend taking your child on your first date or even the first few dates. As a social worker, I've seen way too many kids who had people come and go from their lives and seen the attachment issues involved. I suggest hiring a sitter or finding a family member to watch the child. That way, you can enjoy your date and get to know this man in person. If it develops into a long-term relationship, then it's time to introduce him to your child.

Meeting people online is great but they are not always what they appear to be. Just like a used car ad may look really good in the paper but when you actually see & test drive it, you find out it is not the right car for you. ;) In other words, he may have also misrepresented some facts about himself.

I know this response doesn`t really address the bigger questions here....
but honestly how many guys actually know what 140lbs looks like on a woman? How would he know if you were 10, 15 or even 20lbs heavier?
My advice is to keep working hard, but don't kill yourself to lose an insane amount of weight because a) if it were possible to lose that much weight in such a short period time in a healthy way then you probably would have done it by now, b) if you get to a week or so before hand and you still don`t feel ready then tell him that and c) like I said, can guys really tell the difference between 140 and 155?

I agree with Lizzie..if you continue losing the way you have been I'm sure you will look great and he won't say hmmm she looks more like 155 lbs instead. I weigh 146 right now and most people won't even believe I weigh that much when I say it because a certain number can look extremely different on each person. Good luck!

I actually agree with Liz and Lizzie. He is not going to know about a 5 or 10 lb difference, so that will help. Don't panic. I would be happy with 20lb loss if I were you. Also keep in mind your definition of heavy and his may be different. (You think you still need to lose weight, but he sees someone that is curvy, not heavy)

Mostly I would say just work out as much as you can and stick to your diet. You have been losing pretty steadily. No reason not to continue that. Oh, and probably suck it up and eat your Veggies, Chica! I know it sucks, but in the name of love...Is he worth a few carrots. Ha Ha.

Once you have met him I would explain your thyroid problem. It will make sticking to your diet easier, and if he is as great as you say I'm sure he will understand. Definitely you want a guy who is supportive, loves you no matter what, etc. But mostly at this point all you need to figure out is if you are interested in more than one date. If you are then deal with those other issues.

Ok, the weight thing is a mess, I agree with everyone on here, do you really want to start a relationship with someone who wouldn't even consider being around you? Honesty is the only way to go if you want anything lasting.
But, the first of many things that glared out to me as a bad situtation was you taking your son on a first date. Like poohshunny, said, that is a big no no. You don't even know this guy and you are going to let him be around your child. As a single mom, you are in charge of that kids life, what you do now, will impact him forever.

Okay, here I go. Honestly is the biggest key in any relationship. I know this because I can't tell you how many times my marriage has gone kaput over a few little "white lies".

Tell him that you weigh slightly more than you told him originally, but you are working towards that goal. And then so he knows you are serious about losing the weight tell him how far you've come, he's sure to know that you want to be at his "ideal" weight. And like the other girls said, men have no idea how much weight is from one person to the next. I would tell people how much I weigh and they don't believe me. I would tell them what size my pants are and they don't believe me.

If you don't feel like you can tell him, then that is something that you need to think about going into a relationship, but from what is sounds he is a great guy. I wouldn't kill yourself over a man. Part of the weightloss journey is to realize that you are doing it for yourself.

Everybody is right on the ball here. It comes down to character and whether or not you want to be with someone that will judge you everytime you put on a couple of lbs. IMHO if I were in your shoes I would think long and hard before getting involved with this guy. You have your son to think about as well and I would also consider what type of guy I would want influencing my child. The way men view women is so deeply rooted through childhood and I'm sure you want to raise a caring, loving gentleman who would look beyond a womans curves and not judge someone because they're overweight.
I do know where you're coming from wanting to look good before you meet and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I do think honesty would have been a better foot to start out with if you're truly considering a relationship with this guy. And remember, there are plenty of men out there that would love a woman with a little extra here and there. I truly do know where you're coming from, but I think your goal could be dangerous in such a short amount of time. Keep up what you're doing and take the time before you meet to consider if he truly would be "right" for you.

You say he doesn't like big women, but does he like normal women? Because that's what I would consider you right now. I agree that most men can't tell the difference anyway. When you meet him, he's most likely not going to be looking for how much you weigh. He's going to be looking for shape, muscles and toning, personality, smile, eyes, specifics. He's not going to care about 5 , 10 or 15 extra pounds. He's going to be looking at YOU, whether or not he's attracted to who you are in general, whether you mesh well or not, if you can relate. I know it's easy to focus on losing weight to give yourself the best chance of connecting with him, but attraction is about so much more than that, and two people either have it or they don't.

I worry about you focusing so much on an arbitrary number. I know that you know that losing weight slowly is more healthy, and I know that right now that won't matter to you because you want this to go well. I've been there. My advice would be to focus on working out and being a gym bunny like you said, but with fueling your body frequently with healthy foods so that you can meet him looking healthy and full of vitality. I was shocked at how much one month of weight training changed my shape. People were congratulating me on losing, but I had actually gained 2 lbs from water weight. I lost 5 inches and felt healthy. I think that something like that would give you a boost while still being healthy and not jeopardizing your future losses.

Anyway, it's still really early in the game and you haven't met him yet, so personally wouldn't worry about full disclosure about weight issues yet. If things get more serious then it's important that you're completely honest, but you're still in the early stages. I also disagree that he might not be supportive about these things. He's said that he's not attracted to big women, but if he is attracted to YOU then will he be a supportive guy in general? And how big is his idea of "big" anyway?

Do what you can for now, but don't push yourself beyond what is healthy, and try not to stress about it. Focus on consistency and don't get discouraged. If this guy is as nice as you say he is then I don't think an extra 15 pounds will be an issue.

Hi Amanda,

Well it sounds like to me that you have already given this 'perfect guy' way to much power. He's just a guy, with opinions of his own. First off he said he doesn't like big women. Well all the men that I have known that will admitt to that are truly not attracted to women with any extra weight. Even to the point of only being attracted to very 'thin' women. I guess if you are so buzzed by him and you think he is worth the effort of this 'full speed ahead' approach - then go for it. Maybe he will be great motivation for you. I just don't want you to be upset if you make your weight goal and then it doesn't work out.
I also agree with whoever said, not a good idea to take Jobe on the first date. Why not meet the guy by yourself, get to know him and see if he is worthy of meeting your child. I don't think that is something you can really decide over the internet.
Hope it all works out for you......

Hi Amanda,

I have to agree with what a lot of other people here have said. Sure this guy seems perfect for you except that he doesn't like bigger women. I don't agree with trying to hide your size. Of course continue trying to lose weight and be healthy because that's what YOU want to do, but do it for you, not to please other people. What are you going to do if you two do get together and then it comes up, burn old pictures of yourself where you weigh more? Lie? That's no way to start a relationship. He should love you for you, whatever your size, and you've already given him too much power over you. I hate to say it, we all do, but what if you regain any weight (like someone said, if you have more kids and don't take the prego-weight off easily). There are several women in this 20-somethings forum who've talked about how their marriages are having trouble because their husbands don't like their weight gain.

I also don't think he'll be able to tell the difference between 140 and 150 or so, especially if you're strength training for exercise and not just doing cardio.

Also, I agree that you should get to know this guy in person and make sure he's really good enough for your son before you introduce him.

That is just my humble opinion. Let us know what you decide. We are here for you!

Broken record much? :p I agree with most of the previous posts--if he doesn't lik you for you, then he's not worth the trouble! I know this is easier said than done--when you want a man, and you find one that seems perfect, then you want to do all you can to please him. However, that should only be an initial response, ya know, before reality kicks in. In reality, he needs to be supportive of you and your personal issues or else he's not really so perfect, is he?

I met 3 guys through the internet. One met me, then when we were home, he sent me a message saying he didn't care if we ever talked again :o What a jerk--I assumed it was my weight that turned him off since I had never shown him any pictures, just said I was heavy (but never admitted just how heavy). The second guy met me for dinner and a movie, and things went really well. The next weekend, he met another girl from online, and now they are engaged (that was a couple years ago). Not as much of a jerk, but still annoying! Then I met my Jeff. I told him before I met him that I was ovrweight and made sure I showed him pictures that showed my body, not just my face. After that, he still wanted to meet me, so I knew he would be worth at least a weekend trip to meet him. Turned out he was worth a lot more, since now we live together :smug:

I guess the point is that if you feel the need to lie to him in the first place, then it's a messy relationship waiting to happen, ya know? I know these aren't the answers you wanted to hear, but they are coming from women who have had similar experiences and who know that the good men are worth the wait. Oh, I also agree that you probably shouldn't bring Jobe along the first time you meet him. What if it doesn't go well? Would you really want Jobe there to witness his mother's heart getting broken? As long as he already knows about Jobe, I think the first date should definitely just be the two of you. It will make it a lot easier to be honest and open with one another without "little ears" around ;)

Should you choose to ignore all of us (as I'm thinking you might--the lure and prospect of love can make us do silly things), good luck with losing .5 pound a day and keeping it off! Since you're already trying to stay at (or below) 1200 calories a day, I'm not sure how you're going to accomplish that, but hey, anything's possible! Just please don't do anything so drastic that you end up making yourself unhealthy--no man is worth your health!

I only have a moment to respond, as I am late for a group meeting at class...but thank you gals A TON! You've really given me a lot to think about. I'm going to be popping on tonight to get caught up and everything (when I actually have time). To make a long story short, I had food poisoning and have been sick for the past 48 hours. I'll update y'all later, and thanks again!!!