If I've ever needed support before...I need it NOW!!! Arghhhh...this has been the day from HE**! I want to go get a 12 pack of coors light and drink until I pass out...anything to chill me out! Please bear with me and listen to my day...I've been crying for the last hour.
Got up late...got Jobe to school 1/2 hour late, and upon walking into the office to get him a pink slip I am reminded by the secretary that I signed up to volunteer today...great, I'm supposed to meet my stepmother (I use the term loosely. she's a real B*T*H) to go clothes shopping for Jobe. So anyways, Jobe's teacher is cold to me as usual (I think she's anti single-mom...if only she knew how I got him)...so I tried to call my stepmother, thinking "oh well, I told her I would call her when I was ready"...couldn't get a hold of her...no biggie. Finally leave the school and get into an area where my cell phone is working (Jobe's school is out in BFE) and see she called and left a message..."Where are you, it's 9:45 and I'm waiting in front of the mall, call me". I look at the time, its now 11:00...great. I finally meet her there (my dad is paying via his credit card...which she is holding) and she completely takes over...picking out clothes for him that I would never buy. And this is where it gets worse...since I have lost almost 30 lbs and my size 18's are literally falling off of me I decide to try on some jeans in a size 16...to my horror, they were TOO SMALL! My stepmom asked me to come out so she could see and her comment "well, you just need to lose that big stomach first". No shi*, I never thought of that!!! But really, thanks for saying it in front of a dressing room full of skinny girls! I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear! So, no jeans for me...now my wardrobe consists of 5 double X t-shirts, and 2 pairs of frumpy sweat pants...I have no money to buy anything else, and even if I did NOTHING FITS!!! Then we went out to lunch, where I ordered a salad with tomatoes and nothing else...while she had a big ol' quesadila. Now don't get me wrong, she definately isn't thin, but she's thinner than me...I need a drink!
I just feel like $#$#, you know? I have been so good, watching everything I eat, exercising, quit drinking, logging everything I eat and all my exercise into an excel spreadsheet...all for what? I'm miserable, and depressed...and I can't even self-medicate with good old-fashioned booze! My stomach is huge...and I haven't even lost a pant size! Almost 30 lbs...and still not even in a size 16! My stomach isn't shrinking...the rest of me is, just not my stomach! What good is it to lose weight and not be able to fit a smaller pant size because of my pot belly? All I've done thus far is ensure that I look like a hobo in my size 18's...yet I can't fit my disgusting gut in anything smaller! Am I going to be doomed to spandex pants forever (not that I can afford them anyway)? I can't even get a smaller shirt size because of my stomach...I'm still wearing 2X shirts, even though a Large fits me...just because of my stomach! It's like I'm eternally pregnant! I have never been this depressed/discouraged in my LIFE! I just don't know what to do...I am completely beside myself! I'm afraid that I'm going to get skinny everywhere except my stomach...how bad would that look! Picture me at 130 lbs wearing a size small shirt which fits me everywhere, except where my huge gut is hanging out the bottom "wow, when's the baby due"? Or, worse...picture me at 130 lbs wearing a 2X shirt that looks like a nightgown, and a pair of size 18 jeans (both of my legs could fit in one pantleg) that fit perfectly around my huge gut and are massive everywhere else! HELP! Anybody???
Poor Amanda. Your stepmother sounds worse than mine!
As for the weight.. the best advice I can give is to keep the faith. I think it is physiclly impossible to be super-thin everywhere else and have a huge gut! And I know how you feel.. I had one customer at work ask me if I was "expecting"... I walked around paranoid for 2 days, asking everyone if I really look pregnant! Ugh.. how rude. Some people are really clueless, and it seems that you've got the worse end of the deal. But you also have us, and we love you!
Self-medication is not the answer, no matter how frusterated you feel. (Especially beer.. that stuff tastes NASTY). Tis far better to come here and rant, I think! We are all here for you.. Just give it time, your belly will shrink, and then you can go and flaunt to your stepmother, because you can fit into clothes she can't, and look better than she can! And then we can all laugh with you *G*. Evil? yes. But so much fun hehe.
i heard that most people who go from pleasantly plump to a smaller size the tummy is the hardest to loss... bump up the cardio.. cardio is the only way to loss the weight around the tummy hips and butt... i have been gaining all the weight back that i lost... its really frustrating... i had someone ask me how far along are you... i now just say well i am only just 5 months pregnant.. (even though i aint i try to make a joke of it) i dont have a step mom but my real mom would be equally to one shes a complete b*t*H tells me i am fat and ugly and that i am stupid on top of all the she talks bad about my hubsand chris.. but keep your head up if you keep up the cardio youll drop it like ice on a texas aug. afternoon...
First thing is.... Stop...... Breath..... You're going to be okay. You have to believe in yourself and not give up now. Every now and then we are going to have a bad day, a really bad day, and an even worse day. Your step-mother sounds like she doesn't hold back her thoughts. Next time she says something about your size/weight just stick up for yourself. Tell her, " Listen, I am trying really hard to take care of myself... But I DO NOT need your opinions..."
Today was bad, but tomorrow is a new day... The more you focus on the problem at hand the more you will bring yourself down. Look at the positive.... You made a big accomplishment this week by getting to a goal you set for yourself. That's great!
And I completely understand about the big belly. I have one too. You have to stick to it, you're losing weight and soon will start to notice your belly "defalting". We're all here for you and we all want you to succeed! I hope you feel better soon!
AHHHH - It's MONDAY!!! I'm sorry to hear about your crappy day - hope it'll finish up better! I don't really have the big round tummy - but I do have a pretty full spare tire - that's not too pretty either!
About the sizing thing - sizes from different manufacturers are TOTALLY different - I've got sizes 8-16 in my closet and they ALL FIT THE SAME. So if it wasn't the same brand, that could definately explain it. Also, maybe the pants that you had before were an 18W and this was a regular 16 (no W) - those sizes are cut differently. Besides girl, 30 lbs. is 30 LBS.! You rock - keep it up okay?
Please keep your head up. It's days like these that will get you through your next rough day. You'll say "I made it through that day from ****, I can make it through this one". As far as the size 16's go, sizes are all messed up. I have 15's that are hanging off so bad I can't wear them, but a size 18 that is still fitting snug, and yet another size 15 that I can't zip up. Obviously people who make pants don't realize that they can cause a melt down in a single try-on. I have spent tons of time in the dressing room crying, it is just stupid the way pants are. Don't let that get you down too much. And if you do end up drowning your sorrows in beer tonight (which I wouldn't recommend), don't beat yourself up about it tomorrow. You have lost 30 POUNDS!!! Go pick up a 30 pound dumbbell and really let it hit you how much that is!!! We're here for you girl, don't quit now! Your belly will go, it just wants to stay as long as it can! NOW GO KICK SOME A**!!!
Don't give up.
First off, your mother-in-law may be one of those kinds of people that either
A.) Think the way to motivate someone is by putting them down
OR
B.) The glass is "1/8 of an ounce empty" kind
Either way, you are making good changes in your life for you and Jobe, not her. If you can, try to limit the time that you spend around her in order to avoid having emotional let-downs.
Secondly, you are doing everything right. I do not know how long you have been trying to lose weight, but keep at it. The weight in the middle is the hardest part to lose. When I lost 60 pounds, I went from wearing 20 - 22 (depending on the cut/maker) to most sizes 18 (although occassionally I still have to buy 20). You may want to try a different style or brand of 16 jeans because they may fit. It is because my stomach is still there. You may always have the "baby pouch," but it will get smaller and flatter with the more weight that you lose.
Back onto the issue of the jeans. I don't know what kind of body shape you are, but I find it useful to buy men's jeans. The are often cut straighter in the hips and butt area, but have a roomier waist. Men's jeans may fit you more comfortably around the stomach area, but fit a little snugger around your hips, legs, and butt (where your weight loss may be more evident).
Keep in there though. Things will improve. It is better to keep trying than to give up and gain all the weight back. We will also be there for ya!
Fae - I agree, people are rude when it comes to asking those kinds of questions! Thanks for the support, oy...today sucked! No booze for me though, I went for a jog instead *oh, so much fun*, and then took a long hot shower. As far as my big gross gut goes...I hope your right...I hope it is physically impossible for my body to selectively hold all the fat there! But with my luck, who knows. Anyways, thanks for the backup girl...you always cheer me up.
Sugarbutt - Lol on the pregnant thing! I can't tell you how many times I've been allowed to the front of a long line because some stupid moron just assumed I was expecting (really handy in a busy public bathroom). Some people really suck, but screw 'em anyways.
Sara - Thanks girl, much love! lol on the deflating...nice visual! As far as me giving up, not gonna happen. I am committed! I am just terrified that my final results will be worse than when I first started out If I end up having to wear 18's at 130 lbs because of my stomach...I would be so very sad.
Jenicra - Hmmm...that could be it. Okay, I tried on jeans at both Old Navy, and Kohls. I had such a time finding jeans that wern't low rise...or ultra low rise. Back when I wore size 5's it was hard to find low rise, now it's the other way around. Unfortunately, the 18's that no longer fit me are Old Navy brand...but the fit that they are (weekend fit...I assume that means relaxed) was replaced with something different. Everything they had in a 16 was either really low rise (looks beautiful with the fat pouch hanging out over the top), or too tight around the waist. At Kohls I had issues finding regular cut jeans, but finally came across a few different styles in the Lee and Levis brands. The only pair that I was able to fit into was a pair of Levis stretch...and when they say stretch, they mean it (the fabric felt almost like spandex). Unfortunately, stretchy fabric stretches everywhere, including in the stomach area...gross! Just thinking about it makes me want to wire my own jaw shut to prevent any future food intake.
Jessica - I'm sure they do vary widely, unfortunately all variations I have tried thus far, have been equally harmful to my self esteem...as I'm sure wearing hobo looking clothes for God knows how long will be. I'm sorry...just feelin really low today. I appreciate the kind words!
Stephanie - Thanks chick! Variations in jeans eh? I wish that was it...hope it is. Thanks for the support...almost 30 lbs sure is heavy...I'm just disappointed that it hasn't made anywhere near as much of a difference as I'd assumed it would. Other people notice...but I'm still a cow. Okay, I'm trying to lay off on myself...just so tired of the same old...miss being normal...not always being so self conscious. It changes you somehow...changes your minset and your whole attitude/outlook. Just wish I could do something, and I am trying, its just so hard.
Jenn - Thank you! I went back to edit this as I didn't see your post until after I had already posted. That is a good idea, maybe I should try guys jeans...I may not have a choice pretty soon, as I don't seem to fit girls anymore. Sorry you have the tummy problem too...it's a damnable curse, ain't it? Oh well, it sounds like yours is shrinking (you've lost a pant size, congrats), but I really don't think mine is. I hope your right...I hope mine shrinks as well!
All - The truly sad part is that for the first time in months I looked in the mirror and I think I actually hated myself. This happened just a few hours ago...I went in to wash my hands and I saw this horrible round person reflected back at me and I hated her. I hated her to a degree that was both shocking and...I don't even know how to describe it. I can honestly say that this is the first time I really realized that I don't care about me...and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I think that I hurt my own feelings (I know that sounds crazy), and I don't know whether or not to trust me with me...I mean, would you entrust yourself to the care of someone who hated you? Okay, I know I sound bi-polar...or at least mentally disturbed in some way, but I'm really not. I'm just coming to a new level of self-discovery...I guess admitting that there is a problem is the first step to solving it. As much as I wish I was the only one on here that has had to deal with this ugly side of themselves, I know that there must be at least a handful of people out there who have had a similar experience...battled their own inner demons. How do you learn to love someone you don't even like?
Amanda
Last edited by amandaholly; 08-30-2005 at 12:22 AM.
Oh bless! You sound like you're having a really tough time!
I find when I'm getting down on myself, that I think of all the great things my body can do APART from looking nice! Like I think, "Wow! WTG legs you did 30 squats today!" Or well done body for getting me through that class or whatever. Personally if I were you, I'd think, "Thanks tummy for housing my little boy for 9 months, you were a great home for him, now I'm going to repay you by being ever so kind to you and feeding you healthy nourishing food."
Okay that sounds nuts, but you know what I mean? And losing weight because you hate yourself is not a good place to start from (I know everyone says this.. ) but you have to love yourself first and then work from there! Love your body by treating it better.
Amanda, I think we have all had these times. Lucky for you, we are here for you to vent to and to support you! I have spent countless nights crying myself to sleep throughout my life because of how much I hate my body, how much I hate myself for allowing it to get so out of control, and hating pants that don't fit! I have lost about 30 pounds, and it has not made a darn bit of difference in what size clothing I can wear. At 310 pounds, I wore a size 22. Now, as I'm about to break into the 270s, I wear a size 22. It makes it feel like it's just not worth it when you're not seeing the results you want. However (and isn't there always a "however"?), you have to remember all of the reasons you're doing this OTHER than to fit into smaller pants! You have to remember that even if your waist is not shrinking, other parts of you are, so I bet you still look smaller all over. Like I said, I still wear the same size, and yet people who don't even know that I have been dieting have asked me how much weight I've lost. I wear the same clothes, but they fit differently all over, so people notice the difference. Also, remember how much your health is benefitting from your weight loss (from any part of your body!). You're protecting yourself from higher blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and all of the other countless ailments that affect the overweight population. You're being a healthy mom for Jobe, and better yet, you're setting a healthy example for him as he grows up so hopefully he will never have to combat this evil fat demon we all have such difficulty with.
I don't know what your eating plan is, but supposedly low-carb diets help to lose fat from your middle first. When I did South Beach, I definitely lost the weight primarily around my waist. Also, I agree with focusing on cardio. Lifting weights is great for toning, but burning fat comes from doing cardio. Again, I don't know what you are doing as far as diet and exercise, so these are just suggestions. If you're already doing them, then just keep on truckin'--your hard work will all catch up to you eventually (though I know that waiting for it is the hardest part!!).
Amanda...aside from the stepmom thing, I can totally relate...my top weight was about 325 and i'm down to about 245...that's a HUGE difference and of course i can feel the difference big time and i love when i can see muscle tone, etc...but yes, not only my gut, but my hips and rear stay the same more so than the rest of me when i lose weight...UGH...so even though i can see a difference in the mirror, it's only minimal in my eyes and some days i look at myself and just wanna freak (and sometimes i do :-P ) at how "disgusting" I look...and the whole trying on pants thing...yeah i only do that when i'm feeling daring because generally i just get depressed...seems like when i try on pants sometimes a size larger than what i am is too tight...HOW DEPRESSING! Damn clothing companies...but yes...keep the faith...you need to hold tight to whatever good thoughts you've had about your loss of weight...write down all the good things about it so that when those negative things haunt your mind you can take out the list...i also think for me that my yoga and meditation has really helped...not only tone my body and give me energy to do more vigorous things, but just the relaxation...please don't give up, we're here for you...and i can tell you i've had a multitude of those days and they suck!
2Frustrated - Thanks for the kind words! I wish I had the same healthy attitude as you in regards to my weight/health. I'm working on it
Jill - Comforting to hear that I'm not the only one who's having these kinds of issues (though I wouldn't wish them on anyone else). As far as low carb goes, yep...in my experience the belly fat does go bye-bye quickly. A few years ago I started Atkins on the advice of my old (crazy) doctor...this was before it became a big craze. I started it in March at 215 lbs wearing a pant size 20, and by the end of June I weighed 145 and wore a pant size 8/10. I know that losing it that fast is not good, but it was so effortless. I ate like a pig, and the weight just fell off of me. The problem is that I'm afraid that if I go back to low carb I won't be able to sustain it. I know that SB is healthier than Atkins, but counting calories is enough for me...and I don't want to cut out certain foods entirely. I don't know, maybe I should just stop whining and do South Beach anyways. What do you think?
Ferret - Great job on the weight loss...color me inspired! *lol at the clothing companies...I put them at the same social deviance level as the IRS!
Amanda
Last edited by amandaholly; 08-31-2005 at 10:04 AM.
you aren't the only one by a long shot...and yes...sometimes i put clothing companies above the IRS...hey at least with the IRS you sometimes get a refund...
%#$%&&*#@! (HELP)
NOW GO KICK SOME A**!!!
If I end up having to wear 18's at 130 lbs because of my stomach...I would be so very sad.
