Wow, I LOVE that this thread is keeping pretty active--such a great topic! A few things for others who have posted before I jump into my own issues (again)...

YP1--asexuality--what a blessing (even if in disguise)! To NOT have to focus and worry and think about sex and men (or women) and all of that which complicates so many people's lives and relationships with other people...Sure, maybe it makes you a little different, but I would think that for you, it's in a GOOD way! You are probably more clear- and open-minded than most people in our world today, and you've got more time to think and focus on things that are really important--instead of the "oh-god-does-he-think-I-look-cute-in-this-dress" types of issues, you have time for more normal, clear-headed thinking. If only I could stop spending time thinking about how my bf could not be appalled by my naked body, not spend time freaking out in my head during sex about things like the sounds that wouldn't be happening if I weighed less (ya'll know what I'm talkin' about), all of that good stuff, I'd have much more time to think about things that actually matter.


biggirl--I found porn on Jeff's computer once. That was months ago, and I haven't seen it since. It bugged me for about half a second until I remembered that he is, in fact, a normal male human being :lol: They don't necessarily desire the little porn star girls, just the sex. It keeps him entertained when you're not around; I wouldn't get alarmed about it, and ABSOLUTELY do not think he thinks any less of you physically because of it. Men do about 90% of their thinking with a body part other than their brain. If the day arrives where he wants to be less intimate with you and spends more time looking at the porn, I'd get concerned, but as long as the two of you still have a healthy sexual relationship, then no harm, no foul!

Alright, time to get down and dirty--if you've read my other posts, you know I've been with Jeff for over a year (almost a year and 3 months, but who's keeping track ;) ). In all that time, yes, he has known that I felt uncomfortable in a lot of situations involving nudity. However, I have never really discussed my weight as being an important issue in my life with him before. This weekend, I told him we needed to start eating out only once a week again (we had done this for a few months after New Year's, but we have been slacking a lot lately). He usually just agrees with almost anything I suggest, but then if I want to go out for breakfast, he'll go with me anyway, ya know? Well, yesterday we were talking about a trip we are taking to Georgia later this motnh, and he suggested we go to Six Flags while we're down there. I said I didn't want to. When he asked me why, I revealed that I would probably not fit into many of the rides. He seemed skeptical at first (I don't think he realizes just how big I am, ya know?), but I assured him that there would probably be issues with me fitting on the rides. I think this may have opened his eyes to my problem much more than before. He didn't say anything--just held me while I cried about this big reveal (it was hard to have to say out loud that I couldn't do something I loved because of my weight). Then last night, we were leaving the movie theater after I dragged him to see Madagascar with me, and this AMAZING Chinese restaurant is right across the parking lot (PF Chang's), so I asked him if he wanted to go, and I could just get chicken and broccoli. He said, "no, I'm putting my foot down. You only want to eat out once a week, we're only eating out once a week." I gave him a huge hug and said I'd make a reservation for us to eat there next weekend. I was SO happy--it seems like a really minor thing, but it was a huge deal to me. Makes me realize I should have enlisted his help long ago :p So now hopefully dieting will be at least a little easier with him on the weekends (FYI, we came home, and I made turkey burgers on whole wheat buns with turkey bacon and reduced-fat cheddar cheese, served with low-fat sweet and sour noodles--definitely healthier than anything at the Chinese place, I'm sure). So yeah, he was a very good boy. We took a shower together last night for the second time, too--but we left only the little night light on, so it was almost dark. It was actually kinda cool--a whole different atmosphere. Just a little tip ;)

I think porn on the computer is only a problem if it's detracting from your relationship with your SO . . . I mean, if my bf is away at a conference or something for a couple days, I will sometimes look at porn online :o :o but it doesn't mean I love him any less, just that I miss him when he's gone! :lol: I know he looks at porn occasionally and I know that he masturbates sometimes (usually when it's my TOM or I haven't felt like sex lately), but I think as long as we are both happy with our relationship and our sex life, it's not a problem.

Then again, I know it bothers some other women a lot to have their SOs look at porn. I guess I kind of feel like since I do it sometimes, I shouldn't stop him from doing it! The only thing he's ever done online that bothered me was to look at his ex-girlfriend's website! We had a tiff about that, and he promised never to look at it again. I actually felt bad about that later, because she applied for a job at his company and he was planning on putting her resume in the "do not consider" pile because he thought it would upset me if he helped her get a job, but I was like, don't discriminate against her in the workplace just because of me!

Hi Ladies, Thanks for your insight! I've been feeling torn about the porn thing for a while now because I did notice it when we were having issues. We were both stressed out with work and became a bit snappy with each other. It was rare during this time (a month or 2) for both of us to feel 'in the mood' at the same time. Then, I found the porn... and I was livid. We had a huge fight. Since then, things have been better. He certainly seems to have gotten his sex drive back, but I think I lost a bit of mine somewhere. I never feel the urge to approach him for sex anymore - and I used to all the time! lol And the last few times we had sex I wasn't really into it, but he had been hinting more and more so I 'got in the mood' lol How did this happen?! There is still porn on the computer too. I think since the big porn fight he thinks that he said his side of things and that's it. It's ok. But, it just bothers me and makes me feel so FAT and unattractive! The last few times during sex I've even been thinking, Is he thinking about one of them right now? Does he imagine he's having sex with someone else right now? I know, it's stupid and I know he loves me, but this porn thing really messed me up sexually. lol I think I was much free-er before, but anyway, WHATEVER. I hope this won't be an issue this time next year.

BTW, Paperclippy I have seen porn before, but I was single and I was more interested in 'what other women were doing to have an orgasm' and I would much rather have wonderful sex with my husband than watch other people having wonderful sex on my computer (while my hubby was sleeping). I just don't get it...? it's like just have sex with me! why watch it? :lol:

Jill, I so want to try that 'shower trick' you shared! I think when I get back from the US after vaca I will have to set that up as our romantic evening together... :) About the roller coaster thing - I'm glad you were able to share with BF and bond! It's also great that he 'put his foot down' re: the chinese restaurant. Yay! I've got DH playing the 'coach'/'cheerleader' role these days and it works really well. We're enjoying it anyway. lol

best way to get in the mood: soulgazing.
I saw this once on an Oprah show when they sent these couples to "sex spas" to rekindle thier burnt out flames or whatever...basically, you sit down on the bed, facing each other (dont have to be naked!) and wrap your legs around his waist and have him wrap his around yours...hold hands, and look deep into each others eyes...dont say anything, just stare at each other and try not to laugh...I thought this was SILLY at first, but I tried it, and it really works! I always add in some kissing at the end, with eyes OPEN, then bam, youre both ready!

I guess being 24, I just had to read this thread, even if not just for tips for later on. I've been in the True Love Waits program since I was 12, I have the ring and all that. Never been intimate with a guy at all even though I have only ever dated once. He knew where I stood on the whole subject of sex and that it was a no-no til we ever decided if we'd get married, and even then, til the night of our wedding, but that relationship only lasted 2 months because of that reason. Not like I haven't given thought to what the first time would ever be like though, and I know that I'd rather be down around my ideal weight than where I am right now. Even when I was at 185, when I'd put my jeans on and I could feel my hip bones with no fat on em when I put my hands on my hips, man, that was so cool to me:D *LOL*

This would be a great topic for ww to cover.... I feel like I dont want to be intimate with my bf until I can loose a few more lbs.... He always tells me that Im beautiful and he loves me the way I am, but I just cant feel secure with myself until I have a figure like the girls in the magazines he look at *ugh*

Jill, I know EXACTLY what your talkin about with the 'sounds' that happen, specifically when Im on top and my stomach like hits his and , oh god, its terrible!!

You know, I wonder if this same sort of chat would be happening on a guys weight loss/weight gain website...I mean, they do go through the same hangups as well, but like, ladies, it is so intrenched in us that we must look like the way society wants us to look or we are not worthy or valuable enough to enjoy our sex lives.. I want to, I really do, but the pain of being overweight and being teased through my ENTIRE school life and on, has made me what i am today..Someone who, on the outside , projects one of confidence or at least a 'great personality' (how many times have I heard THAT?!), someone that can party and make some good jokes...But, I was always the one that positioned myself on a couch and pulled out myshirt which was showing my rolls, and looking at the other girls who could without thinking about it, cross their legs...I dream for the day that crossing my legs will look and feel comfortable..

I have said before that I am in the beginning stages of dating someone, so I am EXTRA concerned with how I look..Shaving , body lotions, the whole deal. I do this, as I have thought to myself, I am trying to make everything ELSE appear good, because my actual body is where i am flawed. So I'll tan alittle more, I'll make sure my nails or feet look better...Now, I now I am sounding vain right now but you know what? Once I start doing all those things to myself, thinking I am doing it because he will be more attracted to me, Im starting to be more comfortable with my own body..I enjoy now taking care of myself, something I never did before.. Even though Im impatiently waiting for my ideal weight to come along, I bought some really nice lingerie that I have been wearing, sometimes just for my own pleasure..My workouts are motivated sometimes now by the fact that I have a sexy dinner date that night.. I think that the more we take care of ourselves, the more overall we can think of ourselves as sexy, which translates into the bedroom...Why should the slim, trim and skinny girls have all the fun?!? Just because they DONT have more fat on them?! I have to keep reminding myself that I am no less of a person, therefore deserve the same wonderful sexual feelings as any other woman does...

Anyway, the shower thing, I actually dont mind..Just stand really close to him and kiss.. Theres no looking down when that happens..And personally I think we look good in there, something about seeing two people soaked, maybe even takes off a few pounds?! And it gets really foggy in there, no big deal! Ladies go for it!

As for the porn, I have problems with porn myself. I think that far too often women are depicted as submissive, or stupid, or one dimensional..Just takes the stereotypes too far. I am sure he's got the collection, sorry ladies almost every guy does..As long as its not something that I would personally find disgusting or sort of anti-feminist, then I wont have a problem with it..But yeah, as someone said, why not just have sex withme?! I dont get it!!! I think they enjoy the actual act, the physical aspect of it, as opposed to our emotionally charged up feelings toward it.. Men, men are from mars....

Jill/Mukisa, I daren't even TRY to get on top!! :D

Mukisa said:

I think that the more we take care of ourselves, the more overall we can think of ourselves as sexy, which translates into the bedroom...Why should the slim, trim and skinny girls have all the fun?!? Just because they DONT have more fat on them?! I have to keep reminding myself that I am no less of a person, therefore deserve the same wonderful sexual feelings as any other woman does...
____
I totally agree with you. I used to be such a 'diva' and all for the Big and Beautiful movement. I was always very well groomed, treated myself to massages and facials and all that stuff... but, I think sometimes when you get 'knocked down' because of your weight there just aint no coming back :lol:Two years ago I wasn't even thinking about losing weight. I was thinking about all the money i could make by starting a plus size sexy and affordable clothes store for beautiful big women like me! But, I think landing the 'cute, fit, husband' has actually knocked my confidence instead of boosted it and the porn doesn't help! lol

Does anybody feel this way? Like you had so much confidence as a larger person before and then something sort of 'killed it' all of sudden? Honestly, I didn't realise how large I actually was before and it's like now I'm seeing myself for the first time! eek! :rofl:

Breakfast: so it's called 'soulgazing', eh? This is what me and hubby did before our 3 day sex-fest when we first met! I didn't even know it was a 'thang' lol Come to think of it, we haven't done that since... where's my 'To Do' list?? :cb:

The porn issue is really interesting in terms of body image and insecurity. Some men and women just really enjoy the visual stimulation while others could take it or leave it. My husband asked me if I would mind if he subscribed to Playboy a couple years ago. I didn't feel threatened because he didn't hide his interest, and yet respected my feeling. We usually both would read the magazine (some of the articles really are very good) and discuss much of it together. He was amused at my deep analysis of the models (how many were blonde and looked prepubescent or prepubescent with implants), but it affected him. He would comment that a particular model would look better with real hips or a little meat on her, and when an ethnic, or more natural looking model was featured, he would draw my attention to her. Occasionally, I would make a comment such as I would kill to look like one of the models, and David would remind me that these weren't "real" women, and that even they didn't look like that (with airbrushing and everything). The fact that he was open about his interest, not obsessed with it, and sensitive about it made it ok, and even made me feel sexier (even though my weight equals about three of those scrawnt models).

My husband actually came home this morning talking about a website one of his friends had told him about - women with unnaturally huge breasts. As a breast man, he was curious and a bit horrified, and I admit I was morbidly curious, so we looked at it together. The most frightening aspect was than many admitted to plastic surgery to achieve the results (and we're talking huge watermelon sized, not Dolly Parton). We both cracked up that anyone would find this arousing.

I do feel blessed that my husband is attracted to women of many body types. I don't have to feel afraid that he will not be attracted to me as I lose weight. Before I met him, most of the men I dated at my current size were interested in me because of my size. They were very vocal about how beautiful and sexy they thought I was, but really didn't have anything else to say about themselves or me. In college, I had no compassion for a gorgeous friend who complained that she couldn't find a guy among the many guys she dated that were interested in her personality at all. I was amazed that I could relate to her dilemma.

Back to the erotica issue, David's open interest (without being insensitive to my feelings) makes me feel more secure. He is extremely loyal, so I'm not concerned that he will have an affair (although I'm not naive, I think I'm more realistic than he is about whether it "could" happen). Being really open makes it less likely though. We also joke about everything. He is the envy of his friends, because I don't object to his spending time with just the guys a couple times a month, and don't mind if he comes home late. A lot of the other girlfriends and wives are jealous, but I trust David and we joke about it. I tell him 'No cheap ho's' before he leaves. Jokingly he asked how will he know if a lady were a cheap ho, and I told him that if he could afford her, she was a cheap ho. He "complained" that that wasn't fair, so I told him that if he found a lady he was interested in, she could fill out an application and submit a resume and I would review it. Now every time he goes out, and usually when he comes home, we exchange some sort of joking comments about the cheap ho's.

He also usually tells me enough about the evening that I don't feel threatened. While he and his friends might go to a bar, his group of friends also might congregate at one of the single guys' homes and play cards or have a movie night and drink a few beers. One night they watched disney movies. I almost peed my pants at the thought of these tough looking guys sitting around drinking beer, eating pizza, and watching the Lion King.

Another hilarious story he told one night, was when he shared our joke with his friends, repeating that I had given him the admonishment of no cheap ho's. He played it straight for a while, implying that I had given him a list of circumstances under which I would allow him to fool around. David said he had all the guys entranced, with their mouths hanging open at the thought of that much freedom. Then when he started listing off my "requirements" they finally got the joke, but were still amazed that I would even joke about it. Uhoh, I've written a novel again, sorry!

wow kaplods! Your relationship reminds me a lot of mine! We don't order playboy, but do get Stuff, FHM, and Maxim (found free subscriptions on the internet). Matt and I always sit down together and look at them and talk about the girls. It does make me feel better than it would if he went in the room alone to read them. It is fun to look at them together! Having that kind of open relationship has really really helped me a lot with my jealousy/insecurity issues. I also let him come and go when he pleases, as long as he gives me a call to let me know hes alright if it's really late (I'm so paranoid he'll get pulled over, he doesn't have a drivers license!). IT is really nice to relate to your husband/bf this way because you don't feel like they will feel as though they need to hide things from you, because they already know how you react to certain things and they know you won't flip out on them. This gives them really no reason to hide any truths from you about where they have been, or who they are hanging out with, etc. Usually guys lie because they are afraid that women will flip out if they find out the truth, EVEN if it isn't something bad...I had a girlfriend once who would GRILL her boyfriend about who he was with, and he would tell the truth, he was with his guy friends...but she would always find SOME excuse why he shouldn't be hanging out with them...she was so possessive!

Intimacy, sexuality, body image, trust in a relationship, they're all so important, but it seems to me the more seriously you take them, the more trouble they cause you. Relaxing and finding humor in the cosmic lunacy of it all, makes life fun instead of frightening. I have learned that most men are afraid of their women. They know that almost anything they do could upset us and they're not really sure how to prevent it. You seem to either end up with a guy who does what he wants and lets the chips fall where they may (and might apologize later), or a guy who does absolutely nothing on his own (the "yes dears"). David is mostly a "yes dear" type, to the point it's sometimes hard to even get an opinion out of him (his first response is what do you think, or what do you want to do). I think he's become as open with me as he is, because he isn't afraid of my reaction (except during one week a month, where everything he says is wrong - stereotypical, but unfortunately true as I have killer PMS. So far, I've successfully managed not to kill him when he says "I know it's just the PMS talking."

Another advantage I have is marrying later in life. I was very afraid of being alone forever when I was younger, but I always knew I would rather be alone than be stuck with someone who drove me crazy. By the time I was in my 30's, I was pretty much anticipating being a crazy spinster cat lady (and had already started with two cats - unfortunately I learned I was allergic).

David and I have spent nearly all of our free time together from the moment we met. I was a little insulted when he told me I was the most un girly woman he'd ever met (ok, not a little). But he meant that I had a very "guylike" outlook (which basically meant impulsive, forthright, funny, tolerant - which only goes to show what kind of women he'd been dating before).

I think as women, we sometimes do tend to "think too much." David has body image issues too, but they don't seem to come out in his sexual expressiveness (except maybe in terms of trying to "overcompensate" to impress me - he would crumble if he knew how funny I find it). He doesn't seem to understand how I can find him sexy. Which is weird, because I technically am bigger (but he thinks I am way out of his league because I have more education and when we met, I was making more money). He often jokes that when I lose weight, I'm going to find some rich stud and leave him. I think he half believes it. I wonder how many guys with curvy girlfriends think the same thing, but never say anything (and just bring home donuts).

Kaplods, my bf sometimes says things like "don't run off with some rich guy when you get thin" and stuff like that. I know he has just as many insecurities as I do, and I know that he doesn't think his body is attractive either. His insecurities about his body affect what we do as a couple too -- in particular, it's really hard to talk him into going to the beach, because he is embarrassed by how much chest hair he has and doesn't want people to see it. He refuses to go to a public pool because he says "I'm too hairy!" I think it's ridiculous, because it's not like he's got a rug or something, just an average amount of chest hair (which I love, BTW, and I always tell him how fuzzy it is), which I always considered to be a sign of manliness. And it's not like every guy at the beach is waxing his chest and back or something (he is more sensitive about his back hair, which he doesn't have too much of, but he refuses to wax it, so what can you do?).

So I bet all of our SO's have body issues too. My bf is also always saying things like "I'm a weakling, my muscles are too small" because he doesn't look like Arnold Schwarzenegger or something. I guess it's just like us, but with different issues.

oh my oh my oh my

so I have been reading this post, and so wanted to post a reply immediately by made myself read thru everyones before commenting. and there is so much I want to say, but don't know if I can - before I bore you all!

I am again starting a wieght loss journey and am at my heaviest in 6 years, ever?

but sex. hard. I didn't have it until I was 23, and at the time I thought I was the oldest virgin ever. Which is funny, because my best friend is 25 and is still a virgin. and not because of waiting till marriage, but becuase she has more body issues than me. and she isn't fat! but she is super skinny. and not the anoerexic kind, but just because that is the way she is (and she can eat, out eat me sometimes, and no not bulimic either). but luckily she is finally getting into a realationship - so maybe...

anyhow - on to me. sex was scary - I wanted to wait until I met someone I trusted, not just a one night fling thing. I had sexual experiences in high school - and they were probably way more adventurous than I had after I started having sex ;) but always intoxicated. and the comments I remember - my god they are humongous - referring to my rather large breasts. 36DD, perhaps to jill's standards not so huge, but to a 16 year old...so finally I met someone when I was 23, he was younger, 21 and had been in relationships before, and I never had. But at this point in my life I was also on a fitness craze - training for the marathon in november (it was august). So I wasn't so bad. once in bed he even asked me about my muscles - like where they wre changing. I still had a belly, and prob wasn't much less than 175 - but I liked that question. Anyway - the sex was ok - but not the kind you hear about in movies, magazines etc and I think this had some reason to do with me and my issues (not only his inability in the sack). he was much thinner than I was, like really thin - no fat - not that he worked out - I was way more fit than him. (I, like someone above mentioned, am Not attracted to fat men) and perhaps I felt I would break him? He did want me on top - but I never could do it on top with my behind facing his face. I showered with him only once or twice. but I think there was def something lacking in me. I got scared not only of my image, but my lack of experience. He had been having sex since he was 17 and me - 23. something told me he should be the one to be more adventurous. and why did I wait so long - prob I was so self conscious in High school and college that I didnt' feel worthy of acting on my impulses of attraction. and I don't think I am very unattractive. what I think is unattractive is my fat :) I mean - sometimes the sex was good, but a lot of times it was not satisfying. maybe that is one reason we aren't together any longer...oh and the distance now :) (many many thousands of miles)

anyhow - the wierd thing is i usually feel sexier nekked than I do in clothes. somehow (or did before the gained weight this year (from returning to grad school, and a loss of a relationship) I feel skinnier because the fabric just makes the pounds look added on (?). It feels more natural - but I am also the overwieght kind that doesn't look what she weights (though I feel it). So i didn't have like rolls of fat when i stood up (just one big stomache which didn't fall over my waist - which I am so fearful of because of seeing my mother naked - and seeing htat her stomache does indeed fall over.) anyhow, what i'm trying to say, is i think my humongous breasts look better unpocketed than wrapped up in too much fabric :) but this hasn't really helped me from having boday image problems... does this make sense? I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the movies, magazines etc.

but let me move on to today. today (as in the previous few months) I have felt a mix of things. I want to be in a relationship again, but I also don't again want to have to do the whole, are they attracted to me, should I do something about it, do I have to show them my body and what if they freak, oh they are really looking for a skinny babe... blah blah blah. And i have also felt unattractive, and asexual at times. but it may have to deal with the fact that for the first time I have overlapping back fat. (among other parts that have become bigger...) which makes me feel totally unappealing.

so now back to the running and stuff to make me feel sexier again? Maybe I'm just sex depraved...? lack of motivation to be hurt again? (and why do I still think of bad sex boy after 8 months of being broken up?)

Confused.

oh, and I just wanted to comment that porn doesn't bother me. as long as its not the focal point, (obsession).

A guy's perspective.
 

Well, first of all I won't pretend that overweight/obese guys have the exact same body issues that women do. Men's bodies aren't nearly as fetishisized, objectified, and scrutinized by American society as women's are, but I can certainly relate to a lot of what's been said in this thread, even though I'm comming to it a bit late.

I've been obese and morbidly obese for most of my life. High school was horrible, like most fat kids I was frequently picked on and suffered my share of trauma. I suffered the usual humiliating abuse in school for being fat, but I gotta say that gym class was the worst. I was always on the "skins" team when we played "shirts and skins" basketball, mostly due to the fact that my gym teacher was a sadistic prick. My bouncing fat and jiggling body was the subject of much humor, and the cause of my sociopathic tendencies as well as a deep seated hatred of my body. Like a lot of fat kids I managed to reduce the amount of ridicule and scorn directed at me using humor and social manipulation, so I did get something out of the deal.

In high school and in college I watched the dating game from the sidelines, often acting as confidant and friend to women whom I was crazy about, but could never admit to having feelings for. I watched as they made moves for clueless friends of mine, and or threw themselves at *******s who didn't appreciate them. I did manage to turn things around a bit before I entered college and was able to get down to a weight where I was no longer considered obsese through a regime of diet and exercise strictly enforced by my medling yet good intentioned parents. I was still a mess though, even though I looked fairly normal, I certainly didn't feel it. I couldn't sleep at night if I didn't wear a shirt to bed. I'd sleep walk in my room, tormented by a dream mob of kids taunting and laughing at me. All of a sudden I'd realize that for the last few minutes I'd been bullied and made fun of by a chair and a pile of clothes -- your subconcious mind can do freaky things.

Right around this time I met my first girlfriend, and we had a pretty normal relationship, but I still had a lot of intimacy issues. She loved me for who I was and didn't care about my weight, but the fact that I hated my own body made it difficult for me to be naked with her. I couldn't imagine she would want to see all the rolls and flabby skin, it just grossed me out even thinking about it. I think it was because of this that I developed a "giver" sexual style. I learned how to touch and please her, but due to how self-concious I was I didn't really like to have the same done to me. This worked for a while, but eventually she felt very frustrated that she couldn't really do anything for me, and I can't say I blame her.

After a few years our relationship ended. My weight became more and more of an issue as I was getting heavier and heavier. I spent the next 10 years or so single and getting fatter and fatter. I eventually peaked out at about 450 pounds. I was so lonely and I couldn't anymore bear the thought of being alone the rest of my life. Friends tell me that during that 10 year span I had a number of opportunities with women who were interested in me, but I couldn't see it. When I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw so much there was no way I could imagine anyone else thinking any differently. I took a few years off from the computer industry and decided to change my life. I lost around 250 pounds. Nothing special, just the old fashioned way hunger and sweat.

After I lost the weight I started dating again, mostly online. I was surprised at how easy it was to meet single women, and I dated quite a bit. Even though I had lost a tremendous amount of weight and looked fairly normal on the outside I still hated the way I looked. All the rolls were just replaced by big saggy bags of skin. It's hard to escape your past. A lot of the women I dated were frustrated at how slowly I moved. I was often scared off by women who I judged to be too sexually forward, which I guess isn't that uncommon for women in their mid 30s which is my age. I had to really trust the person I was with before I could open up sexually, because there would be much explaining. I figured the solution would be to date somebody who also had a weight problem, as they'd be more likely to understand where I was comming from, and I wouldn't be judged as harshly.

The language in my personals ad made it clear that I found women of all sizes and shapes attractive and I often got inquiries from plus sized womenn. The problem was that far more often than not, this was a lie. Try as I might, I just couldn't get around society's programming that told me that only skinny barbie types were attractive. After a particularly difficult episode with Barbie, I vowed that I would try even harder, and after a few false starts I managed to fall completely for a woman who I had previously not had any significant attraction to. Sarah is one of the most beautiful and sexy women I have ever met. I don't know I how I didn't see it before, and how I managed to make the change in my mind, but I'm glad I have. I know that something subtle has changed in me, because now I now often find my head being turned by larger women.

Anyway, I've rambled on long enough, even though I could write a lot more. I love this thread and hope to participate more.

spud