Does anyone else feel like they've failed their significant other by gaining weight?
I know what the typical answer is: if he really loves you, it shouldn't matter how much you weigh.
But we all know that at some level, that is a load of c%#p. We are young. In our 20's, and attraction is important in a relationship. Although attraction isn't always mitigated by weight, for some men it is. When I met my boyfriend a little over 2 years ago I weighed 30 lbs less than I do now. I am not the kind of girl who can carry my weight well. My partner will always tell me that he loves me and that he can't tell I've gained the weight, but we both know I have.
I think the hardest part for me is that my bf is extremely attractive, 6 foot 3, and is constantly being told (sometimes by strangers stopping him in the street) how attractive he is. Once upon a time strangers would come up to both of us and remark on what an attractive couple we were. That hasn't happened since I put on the weight.
I know this must all sound exceedingly superficial, but I can't help it. It felt so good to be on his arm and feel like I belonged there. Now I feel like people (especially women) look at us and wonder why a guy like that would be with a girl who looks like me.
I love this man so much, and I want him to feel proud to take me out on his arm. I want the weight loss to help regain my old self esteem, but I also want it for him... Does anyone else feel this way? I feel as if I've let him down.
Last edited by makeitlast; 01-15-2013 at 11:26 AM.
How/why did the weight come on? What changed? I think that you should evaluate the reasons for your weight gain and then you will see a path for change (in the right direction) Good luck to you
It's interesting for me. I've been with my husband for going on 9 years and I weighed 80lbs+ more when I met him. He's always encouraged me to lose weight for health reasons and it's just now, that I've lost weight that I care about "looking good" in that sense. My husband is a hottie and I definitely landed a looker, so I feel like he deserves the same. I understand what you're saying, but my situation happened in reverse. lol
I've definitely been in a situation where I felt that way before. I actually think I'm better with being healthy and putting extra effort into my appearance when I'm in a relationship. I see nothing wrong with going out of your way to look good for your partner, because I would want them to do it for me too. BUT... with all that being said, you have to want it for you too. I feel happier when I like the way I look, whether I'm with someone or not.
To some extent, yes, but I think we actually do our spouses/partners more of a disservice because of the head space that being overweight puts us in. We get self conscious. We start taking less care in our appearance. Our libidos drop. Our husbands sense these changes and pull back sometimes, but more often than not, it's us that are pulling back.
I totally know what your feeling...my husband is one of those guys who can out eat me and still stay slim...ugh! LoL But I totally know what you mean because I am in the same boat. After having our last child, I have 55 lbs of extra weight, and my confidence has dropped. We just got married 2 months ago, and my wedding pictures were SOOO hideous (because of my huge belly) that I never made copies or gave any of them to family or friends. They are in my room, and that's where they are going to stay! LoL But hang in there, at least you are trying to get healthy now, and soon you will feel your old self again
Did you gain weight because you were happy in your relationship and celebrated your love with food? That almost always happens with me when I enter a new relationship.
I wouldn't worry, 30 pounds is not a dealbreaker for normal people. While I'm sure he has noticed, if he hasn't expressed it nonverbally (diminished intimacy, philandering, blahblah) or verbally I'm sure he doesn't really care and is just happy you are his partner.
Losing the weight should be for you, but if wanting to match your bf's knockout hotness is a motivator, do what works!
My weight has been up and down the entire time I've been with my husband. I often felt that I let him down by gaining so much, but the truth is... I've let myself down. I was projecting my own insecurities onto him and our relationship. I am in control of my feelings and my weight. You have not let your boyfriend down by gaining weight. But it sounds like you've let yourself down. Remember we are our own worst critic...
I weighed 118 when he met me and 150 when we got married. He weighed 165 when I met him, about 185 when I married him. When I started my weight loss journey again I was about 152, he jumped on the bandwagon a fe weeks after me at 222. We gained weight together. I joke and tell him it's his fault cause my last boyfriend used to tell me I was gaining weight at 118 so I would not move from that weight. So to answer your question no, but I failed myself
To some extent, yes, but I think we actually do our spouses/partners more of a disservice because of the head space that being overweight puts us in. We get self conscious. We start taking less care in our appearance. Our libidos drop. Our husbands sense these changes and pull back sometimes, but more often than not, it's us that are pulling back.
YES, THIS. I gained more than 100 pounds by the second year my husband and I were together (80+ of those pounds in about half a year!). We were engaged before I really packed a lot of weight on, but we weren't married yet, so he could have considered it a deal-breaker and bailed but didn't. I think the fact that I didn't withdraw really helped our relationship, and my husband has often commented on how he's really glad that I don't indulge in the self-conscious, insecure habits that many of the other bigger women in our lives seem to. I still get dressed up nice to go out, we still have a very active sex life, I still go hiking and canoeing and dancing with him - all the things that we did before I gained a bunch of weight and will continue to do after I lose it. I really feel that because I didn't change the person I was as I got bigger, my husband didn't see me as a person - still the same lady he fell in love with, just fatter.
I'm not a 20s something, but I've been married for nearly 20 years. I married my husband with being just a little overweight. I got very overweight and it bothered him.
While, yes, he was less physically attracted me me (hello? I'm not attracted to fat men, why would he be attracted to a fat woman), he was more worried about me. He wanted a life long partner - how "long" would my life be?
But, as I dropped weight, I realized how much more the weight affected "me" and "us". I didn't "do" much. I was a slug. I sat a lot. I wasn't very happy either.
Since I've lost weight (and gotten fitter - this is the BIGGER THING), we laugh more, we do more things together - like take weights class together and walk together. We took fun little side excursions on our vacation (which I would have passed on before) etc.
Now, we aren't talking about a slight weight gain of 20-30 pounds. I had gained nearly 100 pounds. There is a difference. I'm just lucky that he loved me enough to stick with me even though I didn't love myself enough to take care of myself (which meant not taking as good care of my family either).
You know, I asked my mom about this. She was married for 24 years to a man that was severely overweight. This is basically what she told me.
"In the end, you're not thinking about the lack of a sex life or what you look like as a couple. He wouldn't dance with me. He sent me to the theatre with his cousin because he couldn't sit in the seats. We never went anywhere. In the end we couldn't sleep in the same bed. He felt guilty and ashamed, and I felt like I had failed him because I couldn't fix him. We missed out on a lot of togetherness because his health put up walls that kept us apart".
Maybe that's the way to look at it. If you're not healthy and happy together, what are you missing?
You know, I asked my mom about this. She was married for 24 years to a man that was severely overweight. This is basically what she told me.
"In the end, you're not thinking about the lack of a sex life or what you look like as a couple. He wouldn't dance with me. He sent me to the theatre with his cousin because he couldn't sit in the seats. We never went anywhere. In the end we couldn't sleep in the same bed. He felt guilty and ashamed, and I felt like I had failed him because I couldn't fix him. We missed out on a lot of togetherness because his health put up walls that kept us apart".
Maybe that's the way to look at it. If you're not healthy and happy together, what are you missing?
Yep, 150% percent.
I'm so glad that I was able to "see the light" before things deteriorated beyond repair in my relationship. We are more "in love" now than we have been in a long time. And it's all weight related, but not about the "looks" just everything else.
Yes, I do. I'm up 40-50lbs since we met (at one point I was up 60-70lbs but the last 20lbs of it came on quickly and then off quickly when I stopped a particular medication). I know he doesn't find overweight women attractive so it does bother me but he did marry me at my current weight and he still can't keep his hands off me so it must not be too much of an issue.
Did you gain weight because you were happy in your relationship and celebrated your love with food? That almost always happens with me when I enter a new relationship.
this is so what happened me, eek got so comfy eating take aways and lounging then one day i was like what the ****, how did this happen..
totally am on the road losing and becoming back to what i was..
Does anyone else feel like they've failed their significant other by gaining weight?
Good luck to you
