Boy Trouble
 

I've been having trouble with my boyfriend of nearly three years and I'm seriously considering breaking up with him, but wanted the opinions of some people around our age who don't know him.

There is no one big problem I can put my finger on, but rather a bunch of smaller problems that I'm not sure can be changed;
He's clingy when he wants attention, but non-responsive to my affections.
He keeps trying to drag me back into debates and arguments we've already had and, when I resist, claims "victory."
His *ahem* sexual kink is a huge turn-off for me (as I'm sure mine would be to him, which is why he still doesn't know about it).
I find myself no longer physically attracted to him.
He's slightly classist and unapologetically anti-Semitic, both of which bother me a lot.
He has no direction and talks continuously of dropping out of school because he is doing so poorly in his classes (largely because he stays up until 7 in the morning playing video games then sleeps instead of going to them). This wouldn't be nearly as big of a problem if I didn't personally pride myself on my ambition.
I end up having to pay for almost everything! A few months back, I ended up paying for my own birthday present. That wouldn't bother me as much if he didn't ask me to pay by saying that he'll be paying and expect me to object (when I don't, he asks me to pay).
He lies to me - always about silly, insignificant things and never anything important - but I hate it.
He has also been bad for my attempts at weight loss - he'll complain that his feet hurt when I want to do something active, but still cook highly fattening food including some of my favorite chocolaty desserts when we are together.
He's so infatuated with me I think he sees me as some sort of magical force of nature that solves all of his problems instead of as a person with flaws and insecurities of my own. He makes no individual attempts to better himself at all.
The times I've tried to talk about the future, he gets really nervous and tells me he's not ready to make plans that far ahead.

But is it fair to break up with him without warning? Should I try to explain what has gone wrong and give him a change to change (he's been pretty good about that when I've confronted him with something specific in the past), or am I better off just breaking up him because the problems are so diffuse? The timing is specifically cruel because our three-year anniversary is in two weeks - should I wait for that to come and go, or is that somehow worse? Not knowing how to proceed keeps me questioning whether it really is a good idea to break up with him...

i dont know you or him but from what your saying i would say its not fair to you to be treated that way and for you to be stuck with someone like that. i would say probly time to end the relationship. it seems it has ran its course. but just an opinion from what you said above. no one should have to put up with that stuff.

You're clearly very different people and there's no sense in carrying on a relationship when your heart's not in it anymore.

It'd be far worse for you to be unhappy and carry on with the relationship, simply because you don't want to hurt feelings, while things get progressively worse and both of you become resentful and bitter.

I hope things work out for you.

I say break up with him now. Why prolong the inevitable? Not every relationship was meant to last forever. Sometimes we go in with the best of intentions but it just doesn't work out. If it isn't a good fit for you why try to force it. Breaking up with him might hurt temporarily but you'll be doing both of you a favor in the long run.

It sounds to me like you are different people in many ways - not least that you have drive and ambition and he doesn't. Those things about him that bother you now will get bigger and bigger with time - been there and gone through that. I suspect that this relationship may have run it's course and you probably already know that deep down. It can be hard to let go of someone we've cared about a lot, but sometimes it's also kidner to make that break and move on. You might find a big weight being lifted from your shoulders when you do. :hug:

Hey Chain. From the way your post is written, I think you know in your heart that there is a different man out there for you. It can be really hard to walk away from a relationship when there is no grave "offense", and when your partner is infatuated with you, but I bet you can love and respect yourself enough to make up for it when he is gone.

If you aren't happy in the relationship now, how is it going to be another 3 years from now? He's obviously not going to change if he hasn't in the past 3 years. Do you see yourself marrying him and being with him for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, then find the man that you would Love to be with, he's out there.

You're not talking about one or two "small things" that you can get over but a HUGE list of "small things", some of which I don't consider small things such as being "apologetically anti-Semitic".

You've put enough thought into this to compile a list of the annoyances. Do you really think he can change enough to make you happy for the rest of your life? Conversely, do you even think it's fair to ask him to become a different person? I'm sure he'll say he can because he's infatuated (insecure and dependent) on you but reality says change is hard and often doesn't stick.

Put your well being first and go from there. Good luck with your decision.

You haven't listed any of his positive qualities, so your description is of someone who TOTALLY SUCKS. It also sounds like you're just looking for "permission" to dump him.

Also, not being attracted to someone sexually is the only reason you need to dump them. You're not getting what you need out of it.

Are you happy? From the sounds of your post...NO.

Therefore end it. We always think about other people these days and not our own happiness and to be honest like Kram said you haven't listed any positive qualities...and trust me he knows a break up is coming, there is clear warning in everything. Its whether we choose to except it or sweep it under the rug.

Good luck you know what you want to do deep down inside, now grow some and just do it! and be freeee freee freeee! *Hugs*

Let me start with the disclaimer that I'm NOT your own age. I do, however have 3 daughters your age and I have to tell you my heart would break to see any of them in the relationship you describe because I lived it for a really long time.

You're not physically attracted to him. You're not emotionally attracted to him. He can't support himself financially and refuses to support you emotionally. He lacks direction, he lacks motivation and he wants to (re-)engage you in arguments so he can win and he regularly lies to you, yet he wants you to be the center of his world...

Run, don't walk away from this - it's sucking the life out of you. You're an ambitious, smart, articulate 20-something woman. Be free, spread your wings, enjoy worrying about YOU and what YOU want.

Expect that he'll promise to change and he won't make it easy for you to walk away. He's getting something out of this relationship. Remember that you're not. He may beg and crawl and make a whole lot of promises, but changes will be temporary until he feels he's won you back. (see your initial comment about him winning)

You asked "is it fair that I break up with no warning?" I'll ask if it's fair to you to remain in this very one-sided relationship. I think from your initial post you know the answer. I also think you'll get all the validation you need that your gut is right. Gather your girlfriends to keep you busy for a while, it isn't going to be painless but it will make you whole again.

I've been someone who has stayed in relationships TOO long with people who don't care about my needs and that I was so far beyond NOT attracted to. Run!!

How long have you been together and how long has it been a problem? I would also be tempted to say it sounds like this relationship isn't for you, but really it has to be your own decision. Remember, its not your job to "fix" him! And it sounds to me that if you are going to want to change all the things listed, that's going to take a lot of time and energy really! The sad thing to me is that he doesn't seem to value you at all :( He lies, doesn't even buy you a birthday present (that sounds shallow, but come on- a small token would have done the trick right? or he could have made something? its not that hard) and it sounds like direction and planning is something you value a lot- and he doesn't. You could try to talk to him about these things, it really depends on you, but do you think he will really change? And if he does, and these things weren't a problem any more, what is it about him that you like? What are the redeeming qualities?

Sounds like you two are highly incompatible and he's looking for a free ride. And that is not a list of small things, that's a list of big things and any one of them could be a relationship breaker.

You deserve better.

No offense, he doesn't exactly sound infatuated with you, it sounds more like a persona to cover up that he's a manipulative freeloader.

he lies to you

there is no reason to read the rest of the list.

You seem pretty sure that you want to break up with him. So, why drag out the inevitable? Just tell him you need to talk and then sit down and explain to him that you're not satisfied in the relationship for a number of reasons and think it would be best to break up. And, then explain to him what those things are, but don't do it in a combative and attack-style kind of way. Just let him know what the reasons are -- gently. Let him know that you care about him and are pretty sure that he will find someone else with whom he is more compatible. Honesty is a good thing and there's no point in remaining attached if you don't want to be. You could be dating someone you adore. He could be dating someone who adores him. Just be kind and gentle, and be honest.

I'm not your age anymore but I was when I was with my ex, and your guy sounds a lot like him. Let me just list off a few things about him:

• He'd constantly lie about little things. Never could tell if he was telling the truth even when it was over something important.
  
• When in college, he'd cut class often, and if he happened to skip on a day I got home from work early, he'd get all flustered and pretend that class was cancelled. Then he wondered why he flunked out.
  
• He had no direction, just a vague, unattainable dream job that he doesn't have the drive nor talent for. He became extremely angry that I expected him to hold down a job as he felt he shouldn't have to work a "regular" job like most people.
  
• He put down his own family members for not being rich and successful like he someday planned on being (I haven't seen him for several years but he's currently in his 30's, lives with his parents, and works for minimum wage at a big box store).
  
• He promised to marry me, but that dried up with a lot of other promises he didn't intend to keep. Although I guess his reservations over it saved me a lot of legal issues when we broke it off (even though I might have gotten the several grand he still owes me).
  
• I paid for nearly everything, including the rent and bills (we lived together). He expected me to be happy for him when he quit his job because it wasn't that dream job he's pined for all his life. And if I refused to pay for something frivolous that he wanted, he'd just call his mom and pretend that he needed gas money for work and bam! She'd stuff his ATM account with free money.
  
• He constantly sabotaged my weight-loss efforts to the point I gained 100 pounds! Can't blame him entirely for it of course, but besides money issues our main arguments were over what to eat. He'd throw tantrums if I didn't eat the same things as him (and he was a big guy with an even bigger appetite for all things greasy), and on top of becoming severely depressed I just didn't have the energy to fight anymore. When I finally decided I needed to stand up for myself and turn things around, I started losing a substantial amount of weight. And then he'd claim he wasn't attracted to me and actually complained that I wasn't taking care of myself anymore!
  
• He held a vicious grudge against me for not caving into his desire for a threesome (so not my style). Several times he tried to talk me into starring in porn for easy money (which was completely stupid and irrational from all angles). I eventually found out one of the real reasons he left the last job he'd had while we were together was because he'd gotten caught browsing porn sites on his work PC and was even calling sex hotlines from his work phone!
  
• Everything was my fault. Everything. His tire went flat? It was because I didn't check it. We were out of soda? I must have been sneaking them when he wasn't looking. The power got shut off? It was because I wasn't opening up his mail to take care of the bill set up in his name. He overdrafted his account yet again? It wouldn't have happened if I'd have lent him money earlier in the week so he wouldn't have been forced to spend his.
  
• He had to have the last word on everything. He'd stir up arguments from previous years hoping to prove me wrong so he could feel like he was the better person.

I stayed with him for five years. Why? Low self-esteem. I didn't think I could do better or deserved better. Both of my parents had passed on at that point and I felt I had absolutely no one in the world to turn to and was so scared of being alone. It took me years to find the strength to leave him.

Maybe your guy isn't as bad, I don't know . . . but any guy that lies over little things is trouble to begin with, and he shows signs that he's manipulative and is taking advantage of you. As a liar, you never know what's on his mind or what he's trying to hide. He doesn't sound like he's ready to take on adult responsibilities, and there's nothing you can do to make that change.

Screw his immature @ss, I'd say get out now.

he's an emotional leech.

bin 'im.

From the way you worded your post I can see that you have already made up your mind. He's not "the one" for you. There are too many things that you have listed that seem like they are listed because they are deal breakers. It's scary to be alone if you guys have been together for a long time but know that if he's not helping you he's hurting you.

Breaking up with him is hard, but it really sounds like it needs to happen. Don't settle for him! You deserve someone who treats you better. And like some other people have said, it really sounds like you've already made up your mind about this. You could bring these things up to him and say you're not sure if things are working out and you'd like to give it a couple of weeks to work on it, but honestly, these don't sound like things that he is going to change. This just sounds like a situation you should get out of.

Honey, the fact you can list out all those flaws and ones you hate at that, you know already that things aren't working. If you're not comfortable with him sexually (i.e. you don't find him attractive, don't like the sex as far as I'm aware?) and you disagree with his personality traits that make up who he is, then end it.

I'm not trying to say that people should love everything about their partner, but put it this way - for every 1 flaw I can think of about my boyfriend I can think of 3 things I love about him. And honestly, the problems you have with your boyfriend are huge problems that would really affect me and would make me want to end a relationship too. I don't deal well with manipulative people and your boyfriend seems like one of them.

You can most definitely end it out of no where. You clearly don't love him any more - it's unfair on you and him to drag it out any longer.

I'd just get it over with. There IS no perfect break up time.

Your reasons are valid reasons, and in 3 years if he still needs you to POINT IT OUT to him? He's not planning on changing things because he's getting his perks. You pay for everything, he doesn't have to think too hard about future, he doesn't have to think too much about your needs and RELATING to you when it is easier to pedestal you (ie: keep you at arms distance behind a veneer of worship but it is still keeping you at arms distance), he gets sex, etc.

But you aren't getting your perks out of being together. You sound like you want a partner, not a cling-on. These problems are not "diffuse" -- it's clear incompatibility.

IME, breaking up fast, clean, and firm is the way to go. Don't get sentimental about the 3 yr anniv or get sucked into sweetie pie-honey bunch promises so you stay and just prolong your unhappiness with him. That would be great for him but not so great for you. YKWIM?

Just get it over with.

Then you can work on grieving, healing, and your own needs and opening up to later future happiness.

A.