Hey 20-somethings. Hopefully you guys and gals can help me out, since some of you might be in a similar situation.
I still live at home and I've lost a lot of weight, as you all probably know. I hid it at first, but you can only hide your weight loss so long before everyone noticies...
I don't really have a problem with a lot of people, most people are supportive, but I do get the "you need to eat a candy bar" comments once in a while. My main problem is my mother.
I love my mom, I really do, but she needs to leave me alone. I'm tired of hearing "stop losing weight," or "did you lose more weight? You need to stop." The one that bugs me the most is "I don't want you to lose any more weight," as if I'm a child or something.
Now, I'm not actively trying to lose weight. I've really just been increasing the amount I lift while attempting to eat at maintenance. I figure if I lose weight, awesome, if not that's cool too. I recently lost an inch around my waist and around my hips, so it may look like I've lost weight but I haven't lost anything. When you're this small though that inch makes a difference...my clothes are a little baggy on me now.
I notice that at dinner that she will throw more in my plate than I ask for; I don't take that though, I throw it back in the pot or whatever the food is in. She gets mad, but I figure maybe if I do it enough she'll leave me alone.
All my life she told me that I could never be a size 4; I wasn't built to be a size 4, nobody in our family was (nevermind that my grandmother wore a size 10 when she was younger which is probably SMALLER than a size 4 in today's sizes). Now that I'm wearing size 1s, 2s, 3s, and some girl's sizes, I think she automatically thinks I'm too skinny...which I think if you look at my goal post that I'm not! Granted I'm slightly bigger there, but not substantially so!
I'm sort of wondering if it's just her reacting to the fact that I'm a smaller size than her now. She lost a bunch of weight herself over a few years and before I started losing most of my weight I was always a size or two bigger than her and she would give me her old clothes. She can't do that now obviously and I give her my old stuff instead
I've told my mom to leave me alone. I think I'm at a perfectly healthy weight and she's just not used to me being here, but she doesn't want to hear it.
I'm sorry about your Mom. It's probably just a big shock to see you this small, when she's saw you at a different weight for a while. HOPEFULLY she will come around soon! Sorry you to have to deal with this <3
It's a bummer you can't enjoy your new body without your mom trying to be 'helpfull' though. I recently moved back home for a while and I know how annoying moms can be. One second she is telling me I should just eat whatever I want when I am trying to control myself. Just because she can and stays skinny doesn't mean I can. Then when I am doing well for a few days but finally take something 'bad' she will comment on that. And then when I lose a bit of weight she won't say anything. ARGH. lol.
I think the best way to deal with it is either to ignore it, but since it bothers you that might not be the best solution. Have you tried actually -talking- with her? Asking her why she tells you to stop losing weight? Maybe go online with her and see what various sources have to say about healthy weight and excersise. If you talk about what you are doing and why she doesn't have to worry she might leave you alone? If she just won't 'understand' you could always just explain to her that it makes you feel bad and you REALLY want her to stop minding your business.
It's always more effective to sit down and -talk- about stuff than it is to just say something at the moment you are annoyed. People tend not to really hear you then.
I'm sorry about your Mom. It's probably just a big shock to see you this small, when she's saw you at a different weight for a while. HOPEFULLY she will come around soon! Sorry you to have to deal with this <3
Thank you
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Originally Posted by philana
first of all, CONGRATS on the major achievement!
It's a bummer you can't enjoy your new body without your mom trying to be 'helpfull' though. I recently moved back home for a while and I know how annoying moms can be. One second she is telling me I should just eat whatever I want when I am trying to control myself. Just because she can and stays skinny doesn't mean I can. Then when I am doing well for a few days but finally take something 'bad' she will comment on that. And then when I lose a bit of weight she won't say anything. ARGH. lol.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. It must be really tough to stay on plan when your mother is telling you to eat what you want!
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I think the best way to deal with it is either to ignore it, but since it bothers you that might not be the best solution. Have you tried actually -talking- with her? Asking her why she tells you to stop losing weight? Maybe go online with her and see what various sources have to say about healthy weight and excersise. If you talk about what you are doing and why she doesn't have to worry she might leave you alone? If she just won't 'understand' you could always just explain to her that it makes you feel bad and you REALLY want her to stop minding your business.
It's always more effective to sit down and -talk- about stuff than it is to just say something at the moment you are annoyed. People tend not to really hear you then.
I've tried ignoring her and talking to her, but it doesn't seem to do anything. I think I might use your suggestion though, showing her what a healthy weight is for my height..thank you for that! I think I can even play my Wii Fit in front of her and show her that it says I'm in the "normal" range (and right in the middle of it).
I just remember a while back when I was 170lbs and she told me I must weigh 140lbs. I think she just doesn't know what a healthy weight looks like.
Is your mom overweight? usually that's the problem when you have overweight parents and their daughters/children start losing weight it becomes this insecurity in themselves because its something they've never been able to accomplish. I know in my family obesity runs in it and my mother is a fairly small woman with a petite figure, but still is insecure and thinks she's fat...so that's probably why when she see's me gain weight she's on my *** about it.
I don't know how your relationship is with your mother on a regular basis but sometimes I have to yell at my mom tell her to hush up to get her to listen to me if a good talking doesn't work. Sounds little disrespectful but seriously she's a stubborn woman and in the end respects what I have to say to her and she actually listen's to me. I'm not saying go all out and talk like you're a trucker to her, just speak louder and more firmly than normal. Just because you're still living at home doesn't mean you should have to listen to that...I'd snap eventually if I had to put up with that. Luckily I live across the country and my parents only see me once a year.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know exactly how frustrating it can be when loved ones aren't supportive and even try to sabotage weight loss efforts.
Taking a bit of a stab in the dark here, but I assume her negative attitude is mostly to do with herself and not you. Some people don't handle others' success well and can feel discouraged by it. Maybe she is disappointed in herself for not losing weight faster, or more weight, or falling off the wagon at times, etc. Afterward she may feel guilty for her own problems and not supporting you. These are all assumptions, of course, but this is what my mother was struggling with and it seems to be somewhat common so maybe your mom is dealing with similar issues.
From what you've said, she seems a bit bitter and jealous to me. Is there any environment where you could sit down and have a good, honest heart-to-heart about this? Somewhere she would feel comfortable and safe spilling her guts about what's eating her up inside.
If she truly is worried you're losing too much, is there any way you could get a doctor's opinion while she's there to witness him/her saying "You're doing fantastic! Your weight is ideal and you're extremely healthy!" etc. Maybe a professional opinion would help.
When I have a problem having a calm discussion with someone about something, I write them a letter. I give it to them, ask them to read, and apologize that it had to come from a letter but my point doesn't get across when we talk. Then I leave the room or the house and give the person time to read it.
Maybe if you write her a letter and explain that her comments and actions are hurting your feelings. Write your weight if you are willing to tell her and write the normal range for your height. Explain eating for maintenance. Explain to her that because you LOOK smaller doesn't mean you weigh less. Just because you are done losing weight doesn't mean you are done getting fit and it hurts that she's assuming you don't know what you're doing and treating you like a child.
Well. Having read the other responses just above... I'm so much in agreement that I can't think of much else to add except some sympathy.
I agree especially with what someone above said about jealousy. If you have a parent who's a bit overweight, or just bigger and hasn't quite been able to accomplish what you have... it's very possible that they'll obsess over telling you that you're TOO THIN because it allows them to feel better about their own size and weight.
"I'd rather be heavy than TOO thin, like my anorexic daughter!!!"
My grandmother does this to myself and my mother when we've lost weight. "You're too thin, stop losing weight now!" ("Yes ma'am?")
This approach is ridiculous, being that you are clearly a conscientious and health-focused lady, and her encouraging you to overeat is unhealthy emotionally and, obviously, physically.
I hope you can find a way to get your point across to her... my mother is the type where I could sit her down and explain my perspective, and ask that her behaviour stop, and she would make a concerted effort to. Though, I know not everyone is like that.
I hope some people give you good suggestions on ways to get through to her.
... so many unproductive things springing to mind right now...
I have this lovely vision of your mother adding extra heaps of food to your plate, and you turning around and dumping half the pot of food onto hers. "GEEZ mom, you're not eating enough!!! Don't want you to get scary skinny like me!!!"
I'm sort of wondering if it's just her reacting to the fact that I'm a smaller size than her now. She lost a bunch of weight herself over a few years and before I started losing most of my weight I was always a size or two bigger than her and she would give me her old clothes. She can't do that now obviously and I give her my old stuff instead
DING, DING, DING!
You're Mum sounds like she's jealous of your weight loss. We all forget that our Mothers are just ordinary women and can still get jealous of us. My Mum is obese and looks at me in envy, she calls me skinny all the time in a way that just sounds like she's jealous.
Just tell her that you don't want to hear any more about your weight, and if she starts pulling the "I'm just concerned you're becoming obsessed" then you need to pull the "you need to learn to trust me" card. Sometimes we do have to battle it out with our Mum's because they don't listen to reason when it's to do with family.
Be proud of your body, be happy with it and don't let your Mum affect that pride!
To whatever extent you can, do not engage her when she's behaving this way. If she says anything about you getting too skinny, say something once like "Mom, I love you, I hear what you're saying, and while I appreciate your concern, I disagree and have no intentions on taking this conversation any further." Just be calm and rational about it. I think you hit the nail on the head with your observation about being smaller than her, so just remember, it's not REALLY about you, it's more about her insecurities.
imwith the above posters she sounds a lil jealous and if thats the case some of the above suggestions... maybe talking a little louder firmer writing a letter... i w ould also prob explofde at some point and tell my mother off then feel bad so dont let it get to that point,.... id also prob end up saying if you cant live with the new healthier me then ill move somewhere where someone can.... not saying you have just prob what id say to shock her, good luck!
You mom, sounds exactly like my mom! I am so thankful I don't live with her and she can only do it when I am around her. I would go insane if I had to deal with it all the time.
Mothers can be your best friend one minute and your enemy the next. My mom loves playing both roles equally well. She is perfectly nice but when she starts in on my weight loss she lets loose all her "helpful" opinions & she has tons of them! She has recently started calling me "anorexia" and telling me that if I lose anymore weight my "loose skin" would take over my body. Nice comments huh? Like your mom mine wants nothing more then for me to stop, she is constantly telling me we are not built to be 120 but I beg to differ.
I think all the comments and trying to "fatten" you up with extra food comes from being a little jealous that you have succeeded in losing and are now succeeding in maintaining and keeping up your exercise routine. You said she recently lose weight but she would give you her old clothes, maybe she is a little insecure that the roles have been reversed and now she is fitting into your clothes. I think that is what fuels my moms fire.
Since you basically cannot ignore her then maybe it is time to sit down and have a serious talk with her. If you can't stomach the idea of doing it in person like above i would suggest writing her a letter or email (how I do it with my mum). Since my mum tends to go onto the defensive rage when I say something she doesn't like it is easier for me to send her an email, let her read it, let her calm down and think and then talk to her about it in person. Sometimes this works, other times it doesn't. When I tried approaching my mom about the silly comments and blatant sabotage, she flipped out. Basically she said that she has the right to comment and voice her opinion when ever and where ever about whomever she pleases and I could not stop her. I doubt your mom would react in such a manor though, my mom is a special lady lol
I hope you figure out how to get your point across and things improve with your home life!
You've completely done a 180 when it comes to your size. She's prob just not used to seeing you like this. Give it some time maintaining and i'm pretty sure she'll back off. All I can really suggest xD
Getting my Mom to leave me alone.
It must be really tough to stay on plan when your mother is telling you to eat what you want!
good luck!
