I really need some advice. Has nothing to do with weightloss but my relationship :(
I know this is a weight loss forum but every time I am having weight issues I always feel better when I'm on this board bc theirs so many nice people, I thought maybe I could get some good advice & feel a little better for the problems im having outside of weight...
PLEASE READ & help I need advice
I moved in w my b.f a week before I turned 20 & I'm 23 now I love him so much & he is soooo good to me&has taken care of me since I got laid off a year ago. I do love him so much but there's times when I want to be alone & have my own place & not feel so much like I'm restricted. When I got laid off we talked & he said he would take care of the bills while I finish school, sweet huh? & now I have 2 months left till I go back to work & its just been hard b/c I never have any $$, but not even that but I just feel at times he's more like my dad then my b.f. b/c hes 14 yrs older then me & sometimes I feel like he doesn't realize it but he can be somewhat controlling & makes me feel like I have to ask permission for certain things. For example I went out to a few stores yesterday in our car & today he's telling me I can't drive around b/c of gas. He knows I dont have much $$ so I feel like I can't say anything b/c I dont have any $$ to put in the tank. I also have no friends or family here bc I moved a few states away for him so I get lonely & I just feel like getting out for a drive sometimes & now I'm being told I can't do that. Also w this heat, he rarely wants the air on b/c he doesnt want a high bill, so I'm sitting here sweating while theirs 3 perfectly good a.c's In every room. I don't say nothing b/c I really can't b/c I dont have much $ to put towards the bills.
Basically I'm just feeling a little suffocated & very un-independent & controlled where it just feels like somedays I just want to up & leave & be on my own. Before I met him I had my own place, my own car, good job, a social life & I called all the shots in my life. WHEN I was hot I had the a.c on all day & night dammit!!! IF I wanted to drive around in my car I did! (LOL sorry couldn't help myself) But I do love him & I know me not having much $$ is only temporary but what about everything else? Is it normal to feel the way I do? Can anyone relate? Or am I just being silly?
Last edited by tinkerbelll; 10-21-2011 at 02:47 PM.
It sounds like you don't feel like this is an equal partnership.
You may not contribute income right now with your studies taking center stage but I'm sure you contribute to the household in other ways -- chores, errands, etc.
I'm a SAHM, and while I do not earn an income because I am home with our kid, I never feel like I can't go out in my car or go turn on the AC or... what is ours is OURS.
I don't blame you at all for feeling suffocated.
Can you talk to him? Or is it more than that? This controlling thing -- is it getting to the land of emotional abuse?
I think it's understandable that you're feeling suffocated. Not only because of the money situation, but also because of your age. Your mid-twenties is restless time and you're living with someone (and have been for three years) who is much more settled.
Now, I was never really a party girl myself, but much of my 21-24 years was spent just having a great time with friends. And I'm betting you're not getting that kind of fellowship. Even just having girlfriends over to watch movies, do homework, and gossip was a big part of that fun, it seems like you are missing that.
Now, I don't know the ins and outs of your finances, but could it be he is concerned about the a/c and gas because it is really a concern? Sometimes becoming a one-income household requires us to economize in ways we'd rather not. I am just learning this myself. I have not been working this summer and my husband and I are definitely aware of how much we are driving because gas is expensive. I try to walk where I can and for the most part have only driven to the grocery story. We also have not turned on the a/c this summer. We are not poor, but we also know have one income means less "luxury".
Of course, the most important question is: Have you talked to him about how you're feeling? Have you asked for more insight into financials to see if this is frugalness on his part, or just miserly-ness?
I lived with some in my early 20's and the experience was . . . well, let's just say I didn't live with anyone again until AFTER I was married.
I think your boyfriend is just worried about the bills and is overcompensating. You should tell him how you feel basically. Just say that you really appreciate everything he's done for you, but you do need to feel like you're your own person not just someone who's being taken care of. Honesty is the best policy.
You're keeping quiet because you love him, because you appreciate everything he's done - which is a good thing. You're not taking the piss, but there has come a point now where you feel like you need your own freedom. It's not a bad thing, so don't worry.
Do you have a bike? Do you have any friends that are local? You might want to see if there is free things to do in your area! Go to friends houses, bike, walk...That way you can leave on your own terms if you just go out for a walk. A local pool, anything.
Once you go back to work, if it stays the same i'd be really worried, but I know how i am with bills and it makes sense why he is being that way. But maybe you could talk to him and find out what the finances are REALLY like. Get him to lay them out for you, so you can see the impact it DOES make.
Maybe it's just me, but I would recommend contributing as much as you can financially. If you feel that he's controlling, you don't want him to start using money as a way to control you- and if it's getting to the point where you can't get around and out of the house, I don't want to make any assumptions, but I just hope it's not more sinister than saving money and feeling stressed financially. Tread carefully if you think this borders on emotional abuse and/or isolation tactics.
And please don't feel like you're being silly! You are allowed to have feelings and women are taught so early on that they have to "control" and "reel in" their feelings because we don't want to be seen as emotional. It doesn't make you a basket case to have feelings and confusion, just like it doesn't make you needy to have needs. Keep that in mind!
I'm not trying to raise the red flag here at all. Just sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do. And it's hard to be away from friends and family- I completely understand that and am in the same boat.
The very first thing I'll say is that you need to TALK TO HIM about how you feel. Chances are, he's trying to be frugal and save some money, and he doesn't even know you feel this way. If you don't speak up, he probably assumes you're in agreement and that these were join decisions between adults. How can he know you don't agree if you don't say so?
Also, I don't know what his job entails or how much he makes, but it's possible that you really DON'T have the money for these things. If he's trying to support both of you with a minimum wage job, for example, his concerns are likely legitimate.
I can't stress enough that you two need to sit down and really talk. If you get a job and start making more money, and this continues, then it's time to worry about potential control issues.
I will add, finally, as a tiny note, that if you're really strapped for cash, it DOES seem silly to just ride around in your car, burning fuel you can't afford.
I really need some advice. Has nothing to do with weightloss but my relationship :(
