New guy and finacial situation
 

I’m annoyed so I’m deciding to rant and rave about this because of the fact and let me know what you all think.

So I’ve been seeing this dude for about a month now and the first little while I’ve been extremely broke but of course have not want to explain my financial situation with a guy who isn’t seriously committed to me (because I don’t feel it’s any of his business anyways). So anyways I had let it slip a while back I borrow 20 dollars from my aunt on a Saturday (two weeks ago) and then she got the money back on Tuesday when I got paid.

I was sitting at his house and mentioned I went to go visit my aunt (this time it was because I wanted to and his was working so I wanted to go out and do something and it was last week.) He says to me, are you broke again is that why you went to go see her? I was like no I went to go see her because I felt like it. Why would you ask that? He said no reason. And I shrugged it off kind of annoyed thinking who the **** do you think you are to begin with asking me that. So of course the 15th came and pay day was there and I was broke again due to some extra bills I had to pay….I mentioned I was and I didn’t go into details about it all he said to me was “fix it”

It’s not like he pays for everything he’s bought dinner at a restaurant once and subway another time and A&W and usually when I’m completely broke I leave things and discourage going out and say I’ve already ate so we don’t end up going out and he feels obligated to pay. I paid half for pizza on Friday, bought dinner that he didn’t even show up to on Thursday and twice I’ve paid for subway like in the end it all adds up. Maybe he’s pissed off because I don’t take him to restaurants but right not spending 70 dollars on a meal will break the bank completely for me, 25 dollars here and there is fine because at least I can stretch it out to more than one meal you know?

Well yesterday I was over at his house and I dressed up in a pair of jeans, heels and a white shirt with a pink silk shirt underneath. Anyways he’s like lets go out to eat and I said I didn’t feel like eating out lets go to the grocery store and buy some food and cook it (I had been eating out all week A&W wed, take out all day Thursday it was pay day. Pizza Friday and so ) but he didn’t want to do that (because his brother made a mess in the kitchen and he’s tired of picking up after his brother and if we had off cooked something we would have been cleaning up the whole thing.) so my best option was Mr. Sub because it’s much healthier and he goes. “Do you have money this time?” Like wtf when have I not had money and quite frankly it’s not like HE always buys, so he paid for one night out at a restaurant it’s not like we’ve been a dozen times, and so on and I paid for dinner last night and bought dinner for us on Thursday which he didn’t show up to.I don’t offer to go out when I don’t have money I try and discourage it AS MUCH as I can without saying I’m broke…but after his comment yesterday I was like wtf seriously…

What would you guys do in this situation without having to get too in depth about your financial situation…not to mention the money I’ve wasted on this week is ridiculous…I don’t want to be eating out all the time but I also don’t want to sit there and bring him up into something that is my business since we’re not serious anyways and I sure as **** don’t want to be wasting all this money all the time when I could be doing something more productive with it other than eating it all away.

Wow. I'm with you on the 'none of his business' part. You deserve better. How dare he question your relationship with your aunt based on borrowing $20. The dude kind of seems like a pig. I'm hoping he's cute???

What a jerk! I see these as red flags... can you imagine being married to someone, like that?

I don't know I wouldn't go that far to calling him anything like that. I'm just more along the lines of should a conversation even be brought up like this, this early in whatever the heck we call us thing? Also why would he say something like that and expect me not to respond in a desfensive manner. I'm sure anyone would take offense to it and be like If you have something to ask me about my financial situation then ask, but don't just assumes ****.

I know I've made huge mistake I'm trying to work at it by paying it off and stuff but I just don't feel the need to be grilled like I'm irresponsible and not doing anything about it.

This guy seems kinda like a d-bag. No offense of course! I think its your business and if he is the one asking to go out to eat then that means (where i'm from) that he's paying!! If I ask my fiance to go out to dinner I usually pay.. and if he asks then I make sure I leave my wallet at home ;) . I think you have every right to be annoyed!! what.. he's never borrowed money from someone. riiighhht.

Of course I'm sorry if I offend you in any way!!

Oh I'm totally not offended at all. I appreciate your opinion I'm the exact same way if I ask you out for dinner I'll pay and if you ask me out you pay type thing. But the fact he asked me if I had money this time (I think he asked because we went out on saturday to london drugs and he spent a bunch of money but I left my cash at home because I'm an inpluse buyer and two I didn't think we were going shopping so I left my money at home except for enough to get us coffee to Tim Horons.) But even then for a guy who won't call me his girlfriend or openly admit to others (this is my assumption) like other girls around him that were "dating" I don't feel he has the right to make any comments what so ever about my cash flow.

Sorry dear, I didn't mean to make him out to be terrible. I would be very offended if someone made generalizations about my family relationships and my financial situation without knowing me very well to start with.

You will make the right choice, but make sure these inquiries are something you can live with now!

Red flag.

I'm trying to save for a house, so I'm not interested in spending too much. While my boyfriend and I go out, this is basically the extent of our conversation:
Me: I really don't want to spend money, I'm broke.
Him: Do you need to borrow OR don't worry, hon, I got it.

We are both young professionals with the bulk of my money going to daycare and the bulk of his going to a mortgage, but I can't imagine where it would be appropriate to judge or ask the way your boyfriend did.

It's perfectly fine to tell him you can't afford to splurge and he can accept it or not. You are not comprised of your money, and if you don't depend on him to support you, then it's not his business. My ex husband had some serious financial issues because of his mishandling of money before we met. I knew about some of it, but a lot of it was a shock. It was when his debt affected my financial situation that I really felt it was my business and ended up splitting our finances 100%.

This guy doesn't have any right to make you feel bad about this.

He sounds like a jerk, no offense. You deserve so much better than that. If he's already making snide comments about money then he's not worth the time AND money. It's not very gentlemanly anyways to ask the girl to pay so much (I'm not saying he needs to be a sugar daddy but he sounds like he isn't treating you right or respecting you). I'd say cut your losses and move on because guys like that don't get better.

Amen! HUGE red flag hon!

I think you already know that, you felt it...you will make the right decision. It's NONE of his business.

Good luck! You seem like a super strong woman (from the your posts I've read over time anyway) just stick to your guns!

I think I must be older than you because I firmly believe that BOYS pay, especially in the beginning when you are still in the just dating phase and not really boyfriend/girlfriend. A bit later, if the woman is in a better financial situation to pay than the man, then fine, but otherwise BOYS pay. I am an old-fashioned, unmarried but in a long term relationshion, 34-year-old mother. I will say that I do usually pay when I bring my three kids along, but otherwise my boyfriend pays with the exception of his birthday.

Hm, well I've been seeing a guy since Feb and we're not serious either. I'm in grad school and currently on externship so making NO money at all. I haven't gone into depth with him about my financial situation and prob wouldn't unless we were really serious. That being said he does know I'm a grad student and have limited funds.

The entire time we've been hanging out I've only paid for his meal once-at Burger King. Every other time he pays. He doesn't mention my cash flow issues....the only time he did mention it was this past weekend when talking about a discout bakery that he had found and was super excited about it. He told me that I should go...and was like it's really good for people with...lower incomes and then apologized profusely for saying it. And I was like, Dude why are you apologizing? It's true! Lol. I took no offense. But he still felt bad about it.

With this guy, I don't understand why he expects you to pay for meals for him, ever. Additionally, you mentioned he didn't show up on Thursday for a meal you paid for-why didn't he show? Did he stand you up? Was there a legit reason for it? It may be time to kick his booty to the curb if he's already being so disrespectful to you...

I pretty much told my boyfriend straight up, I'm broke. Paying off school loans. If you want to eat out and you want me to go with you, then it is your call, but you have to pay. Pathetic? Maybe. But he knows I always have dinner planned for myself. And around pay day I usually treat him to a dinner or two. We are serious and have been together for over a year and it works for us. I am with the others that it is a red flag. He has no right to comment on your cash flow. I don't think it is out of line to bring it up though. Sure, it is none of his business, but if it is an issue and you want to try and make things work with him, just tell him where you are at and if he is a d*** then he isn't worth your time (or money). Good luck!

It sounds like you don't really like him. If you are continuously wondering why the F he wants to know about your life, it doesn't sound like you want him in it.

I'd move on so you can both find someone more suitable.

It also sounds like you are feeling slightly bad about your money situation, and are defensive about it. When you find the right guy, you'll be able to say "things are kind of tight right now and I feel weird about it, so I may get weird if the topic of money comes up. For now can we just eat in?"

This boggles my mind. Dating is simply that...a series of dates, spending time with someone, out and about, to see if there is chemistry and the right mix for a potential relationship. If a man is going to "court" a woman, it comes out of his pocket. I'm old fashioned in that sense. When I am in a relationship, I believe everything should be 50/50. I don't always have the extra money to go out and on those nights, I would have absolutely no problem with staying in, cooking dinner together, and watching tv.

Until a relationship is established, he buys your time. It shouldn't be the other way around in the dating phase.

That's your opinion and that's fine considering you don't know anything about the rest of the relationship. All I'm saying is the way he is asking stuff, it would be different if he asked me what was up with my money situation other then assume I went some where to borrow money, or the fact I didn't have any money. That's where I step in and say what the F, because he's not asking about my life he's assume stuff and there is a difference. Besides he isn't always asking what's up about my life **** the doesn't ask much about my life other then if it has to do with money.


As for the other ladies I agree but at the same time don't agree. I guess I'm not old fashion due to my last ex boyfriend who made me pay for everything so I kind of get like I feel obligated to pay. Plus he brings up "Are you going to pay?" So then if I have the money I do it and if I don't I say no you are this time around.

Here's how I dealt with money issues when I started dating my husband:

I was a very poor college student and was E5 Airman in the Navy. Needless to say his income was triple mine. When we first started dating, I tried to pay for my own food or alternate. But when he kept suggesting ordering pizza, going out to eat, bars, etc. I just told him my income didn't allow for it and I was more than happy to stay in and cook, watch a movie or whatever.

He understood and started footing the bill for alot more because he could but we stayed in a bit more as well because I didn't want him to feel like I was dating him for some weird sugar daddy/financial reason (I was 21 he was 32). He never made me felt crappy about it or made snide comments though. ****, we only knew each other 6 months and my roommate/apartment situation fell through and he offered to let me move in with him.

I think you'll have to figure out he defines your relationship with him. If it's slightly more serious (you know, boyfriend/girlfriendish) you should address this straight away. If it changes for the better and he's more understanding that's great. If not, well, what can ya do besides move on?

Just tell him straight up. "Look I have bills and obligations I need to attend to first. I made some financial mistakes in the past and we met at a crappy time because I'm working my *** off to catch up. When I have the extra money I'm more then willing to pay for stuff" if he was really into you, he wouldn't care about WHAT your doing so much as just doing anything with you.

No, and it is impossible for us to know anything more about your relationship, but this is obviously an issue for you. It also seems to be an issue to him that your money is tight.

IMO money is the absolute worst and everyone seems to fight about it. I think money ends many relationships.

I personally made myself a promise to never let money be an issue in my relationship.

If he is already making comments about money this would be a huge red flag to me, but that is me. I could not live with someone who tries to control my money. Or questioned me about if I can afford something.

Hmm, maybe he's just really bad at communicating and those comments are his weird way of trying to broach the subject. I know a lot of guys who make stupid comments that irk me but they actually think that they were "asking" about the situation.

Maybe I guess the only way to come off with it is to talk to him about it, and as some of you had said if he has a problem with it too bad. I don't ask him for money, I don't need his help I can take care of myself so if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is. It's thats simple. I was just wondering what other people thought about it, and how they over come stuff like this in their relationships. Also how to approach a conversation like this?

If he says anything about your aunt again, you could just say something like, "I don't think it's very nice to talk about my relationship with my aunt like that. Please wait until you know us better to judge."

Or before you guys go out, let him know you're low on funds or that you just paid a large bill and that you'd be happy to cook at home. If you really like him, you'll be able to make the words come out. Best of luck to you!!

I mostly agree with what everyone else said- at this stage in dating someone I don't think he needs to know your financial business. But I don't think he sounds like a jerk or anything, either.

He may be concerned about you and wanting to "help" you keep yourself afloat by making comments like that, maybe not realizing they come across as judgmental?

I think if you're comfortable, it wouldn't hurt to talk to him about your situation. But maybe instead of giving him the details of it, sum it up and let him know if makes you uncomfortable when he comments like that, and you'd appreciate it if he just wouldn't concern himself with it at this point in time...

I dunno! Good luck though! I'm sure it's got to be aggravating!

Yea I fully get what your saying thats why I come on here for advice sometimes because I think I over exagerate alot haha especially when its around TOM.

As for the cooking dinner thing I always cook dinner especially at my house and when I go to his and he's grocery shopped. He doesn't want to have the comittment talk so thats why I'm more about not explaining my financial talk but I'll just say to him, Once a week we'll do date night I'll pay for one, on one week and he can pay for the other because I'm simply watching my weight and eating out every day is not my thing (He knows about my weight loss journey from the beginning.) and eventually we'll go into the whole reason for debt but as people have said if he really likes me he'll understand. If he doesn't well it wouldn't be the first time I was dumped hahah.

Kick him to the curb! There are alot of wonderful men out there! :)

Kinda mean, but i get it. I make sure my bf is not paying all the time because I feel weird even though we have been together for more than 1 year. Yea its cute 1-3 times in the beginning when the guy pays.. but I don't like to eat all the time if he is the one paying.
I feel its a mutual relationship, so why should he pay. I like your idea of treating him when you get paid :)
Thats good, during those times--dont even make him feel like he needs to pay.. offer your card/money right away.
And other than that, yea just talk it out maybe--like when I get paid, i feel better about spending money, but you asking me if i have money today is rude..
hope talking out helps :)

No, no... he doesn't seem like a jerk at all! ;)

He is a jerk. Leave. If he is already being this rude to you one month in, there are going to be loads of problems down the road. Your financial situation is yours and yours alone. If he was a good guy, he would understand that things are tight right now and that you simply cannot afford luxuries like eating out. His responses should be "Oh, that's nice you're going to see your aunt" and "Oh I'm sorry you have extra bills. We can stay in tonight" and "If you cannot afford to eat out, we can just make some food at your/my place."

He is being rude to you -- outrightly rude. And you deserve much, much better than that.

P.s. No, I do not know your whole relationship. But I definitely know jerks. When he's a jerk to begin with, he will always be a jerk. Period.

I can spot jerks too, haha just not in my own relationship or I just ignore it and I question myself why I do. As for the relationship comment that wasn't directed to anyone but whatever her name was for telling me that it was clear to her I didn't like him and should move on. When obviously if I didn't like him I wouldn't care enough to ***** about this and would have already dumped his ***. The majority of the whole thing was me ranting, and wanting to know what other's thought when it comes to explaining money issues to the person they are seeing when it hasn't been long.

I see your point and I obviously thought it was kind of a jerkish thing to say or else I wouldn't have been like wtf.

Okay I am very happy to hear that you do realize he is kind of being a jerk. I was afraid there, for a second! ;) I really look up to you as a 3FC veteran and you were kind of the first person I started to notice popping up on 3FC posts.

As far as talking to him... I really have no idea. I know that's no help, at all. But honestly, you should not have to explain yourself when it comes to finances. If it comes up again, just say something like "I'd prefer not to talk about my finances" or "Eh, I just cannot afford it right now. But you can go to xyz restaurant." Just brush it off if he makes rude comments, you know?

Maybe you could sit him down and just say "You know, I'm struggling right now. I have some financial messiness to work on and I'm going to need your help. I cannot go out to eat, anymore. If you want to go out to eat, you are more than welcome to go alone but I just cannot afford it right now. I apologize that I will not be able to go out anymore, but there are plenty of fun things we can do at home/on the cheap."

I hope whatever you chose to do works! I'm pullin' for ya! :hug:

Agreed
 

I dunno about this guy, mizzz..... I can understand how some of things he is doing may sounds confusing---but I think its pretty mean of him to tell you "fix it" when you tell him that you are having some money that needs to go to your aunt.

When I started dating my husband, he worked at a coffee shop and I was a book shelver at the public library. We always split our dates 50/50. I never wanted to be dependent on a man for money---I am not old fashioned.

I think it's great for a woman to cover her own ground. Too much of the time women develop a "take care of me" attitude---and they fail to grow into moneymakers themselves because they always find a man.

Halfies is the way to go. When he wants to go out to eat, always give the option of a home cooked meal. Find out what he likes to eat at home, and make it for him. It's a good thing to have him get used to your cooking anyway----they love good cooked food!

As for the comments like "fix it", that's kind of strange. As for your financial situation, just be open about it. Yeah, he doesn't need to know, but on sopme level he should know. And if it scares him away---good riddance!

Are you guys official yet? If not, tell him you have offers to go on other dates, and you want to know what you guys are doing. This will scare him and make him realize how amazing you are! Then, when you finally get him to tell you where you truly are in the relationship.

hope this helps girlie! :hug:

Well, you're the one who actually knows the guy, so since you like him and presumably want to keep seeing him, I'm going to operate on the assumption that he's a great guy in many other ways. :D I know there are plenty of things I could post about my boyfriend that would make him sound like a total jerk if you didn't have the whole picture.

Anyway, here's my two cents. You have no obligation to talk to him about your finances. You're right, it is none of his business if you don't want it to be. But you can, and you should, talk to him about how his comments are making you feel. If you like this guy, you need to be able to talk to him about these things. Tell him (calmly) what you've told us, here. You don't have to say why your finances or tight, or tell him that you've borrowed money from someone. Just tell him that when he makes comments about your finances, you find it hurtful, and it makes you feel defensive, etc. etc. And see how he responds.

Well. I agree with the others who say he should pay. If he asks you to dinner , he pays, simple as that. If you want to ask him over for dinner you buy the food and prepare it, simple as that.

^ I very much like missita's post for your situation.

Now, of course since you ask our opinion and experience, I believe the first month of dating should be care-free and wonderful. If financial disagreements come up this early, it doesn't bode well for the future. And yes, finances can ruin relationships. If he's worth it, talk to him. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him, then he'll continue making the comments he does and it will snowball.
My experience with my husband when we first started seeing each other is that he paid for everything unless I said I would cover something or go 50/50. Finances were not on our mind in the slightest. He worked full time (26 yrs old) and I was a student with a part-time job (23 yrs old). It's not about me being old fashioned or him being chivalrous. It was common sense. He wanted to do special things with me, he paid. He could afford it.

Good Luck hun.

Aww you're so sweet, thank you :hug:

We talked a bit today I brought up date night once a week, and the me paying one week, he can pay the other...he got offended by that and told me his jokes about me paying are just jokes and if he has a problem with paying he wouldn't offer...and I told him he was being a little touchy and he said he just wanted to make it clear to me. That's why he tells me things about his friend so I don't think anything off it, everything is out on the table. So then I was like okay enough about that what about my idea and he said he didn't like pre planned stuff and I got pissed (light temper when it's PMS time...) then in the end we solved the problem by me saying LESS eating out because I don't want to gain weight and when the weather is nicer when we both have time MORE going out at least once a week doing something fun other then play fighting, watching tv, and other stuff. haha

Who knows I talk to another woman at work about this and she said a lot of what you guys said about major red flag there...she told me to be careful especially after what happened with the last relationship I was in she really doesn't want to see me fall into the same pattern of some control freak again.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom though it's really made me think about stuff and as one Lady said the first month should be worry free I think the issue lies mostly on me with the too much worrying especially when it comes to this money issue and expecting him to pay. But thats something I need to work on since it is really my issue on it's own.

:hug::hug:

Well, he sounds like a d-bag, and I am not sorry to say that. What kind of guy doesn't pay for your meal at least the first month or two you're seeing him? And he has no right to inquire about your financial situation, as my mom always says, "don't pay no bills, don't got no say" (and that applies to everyone in her house lol) so just do you.