Crushed... DH got home from deployment and said I've lost too much :(.
I'm having a really hard time right now. I thought he'd be so pleased with the progress I've made. He's never seen me at this weight... But he asked me to put some weight back on... said I am too thin . I'm not happy about my current weight. I don't want to put weight back on or even maintain.
Do you think maybe he just needs some time to get used to my new body?
He just keeps saying "Jeeze... you lost SO much weight babes!" It's really hard to take it as a compliment when he is so genuinely displeased with my weight loss.
First of all, I'm sorry you are not getting the reaction you are looking for. I think you should just maintain for a bit or continue to lose just very slowly as he gets used to your new body. I think once he realizes how happy you are and how much stronger and healthier your body is, he will warm up to the new, hotter you!
I think you're right, he just needs time to get used to it. You didn't take it off for him (at least mostly not... ) and you don't need to put any back on for him.
It really sucks that he didn't react postively, but that's not up to you, nor does it have anything to do with you. He may be feeling insecure now that you're so much thinner, he may just not be used to it. Just do what you need to do and he'll get used to it, and appreciate it in the end!
What weight were you when he left? For him it's probably a really big difference. You may actually look even teenier to him because of how he's used to seeing you.
He might get used to it in time. But if he doesn't and you don't want to gain or maintain, then I would talk to him about why he doesn't like how you look. Whatever he says (looks, health, etc.) you can explain to him that you love how you look and that it's a healthier weight for you and that you're eating right, exercising, and it's not hurting you - quite the opposite. Tell him why it's healthy and why it's important to you.
I really feel for what you've said here - this is a really tough and disappointing situation to be in.
I don't meant to sound at all unsympathetic towards your husband, but I really think this isn't your problem. It may seem that way, since it is your own weight loss that has brought up this issue, but echoing what cherbear says, I think this is his issue and something that he ultimately needs to be responsible for dealing with.
By all means, you can support him with that, perhaps by explaining your own reasons for being enthusiastic about your weight loss, but I think this is something he needs to come around to himself. I plugged your weight and height details into a BMI calculator and you are a totally healthy weight for your height, towards the top end of the "healthy" or "normal" weight range. Him asking you to put weight on may actually tip you into the "overweight" range, which obviously wouldn't be an acceptable thing for many reasons.
As LiannaKole said, depending on what weight you were when he last saw you, a huge change in weight may explain this initial reaction. If you look really different and not like the "you" he knows and loves, this may explain his initially negative reaction. I think there's every reason in the world for him to get used to and be positive about your weight loss, and I think an adjustment period is understandable. If he doesn't get used to it, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it, but I don't think you have any reason to assume that this will be the case, since this is most likely an initial reaction based on surprise and uneasiness at the change, rather than anything deeper than that.
Also, not wanting to be at all rude about your partner since I have no idea of the context, and not wanting to sound aggressively against what he's said to you, but to me, in my relationships, you never ask someone to change their body because of your preferences. In my view, it's just as out of line to ask someone to gain weight as it is to request that they lose weight. By all means, gentle discussion and openness around these sorts of issues is fine (e.g., talking about feelings and personal preferences relating to weight, talking about goals, and so on), but I think it's entirely unreasonable for anybody to request that anyone they love changes their body because they'd prefer it to be different in some way.
First, congratulations on your DH being back! Secondly, I feel for you hon. I've been following your progress and you have to just remember, you are not doing this just for the vain parts, but also because you are trying to get completely healthy!
It has to be hard for him as well I'm sure because when he left, you were a different person. When we lose weight it's not just the pounds we drop, we also change our eating habits and more! It will be an adjustment for SURE, but instead of us all guessing what his motivations are (whether he just isn't used to it, or insecure because of how hot you look =p) I think communication is the key to any great relationship.
My BF and I have had similar talks about what frustrates me that comes out of his mouth during this process etc. Tell him what your goals are, what you want to accomplish and WHY, then listen to what he thinks of the overall situation. I wish you guys the best!
these are all valid points. but when i think of this situation with my guy. this wouldn't happen, but i think he would be worried i lost too much in certain areas. i'm sure this is a common guy concern. such as your booty isn't as ample as he remembers, wants it to be. probably, he's not meaning to hurt your feelings.
If you've lost a lot it's probably just the initial shock.
I was away from home for over a year and my older sister went from 270lbs to 140lbs in the time that I was away. Despite the fact that she told me about her progress I was still shocked to find how different she looked. She looked great, but for the first few days I couldn't see it. It just didn't look like the sister i'd had. I felt like i was living with a stranger that I had to get to know all over. It was very strange.
Eventually I realized she's still the same person -130lbs and now i've got used to her new look, I can see how much happier she is and I wouldn't want her to go back to the way she was, ever.
I'm sure he would not have had the same reaction had he been there while you were losing. When you are away for a long time you can feel very disconnected and major changes like this just make you feel even more so.
It can make you realize how much you've missed out, when all you really want to do is just pick up where you left off.
Give it time, i'm sure he'll come round to your new look. Congrats for your progress
I don't have any experience to share in the area of SO's coming back after long deployments, so take my post with a grain of salt!
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinycities
Also, not wanting to be at all rude about your partner since I have no idea of the context, and not wanting to sound aggressively against what he's said to you, but to me, in my relationships, you never ask someone to change their body because of your preferences. In my view, it's just as out of line to ask someone to gain weight as it is to request that they lose weight. By all means, gentle discussion and openness around these sorts of issues is fine (e.g., talking about feelings and personal preferences relating to weight, talking about goals, and so on), but I think it's entirely unreasonable for anybody to request that anyone they love changes their body because they'd prefer it to be different in some way.
Well said, and I totally agree. But I understand that after your SO has been away for a long deployment it can be a huge emotional shock to come back to someone looking so very different. Depending on how much weight you have lost you might really look like a different person. Put yourself in his shoes - he loves you and I'm sure he had a mental image of you in his head during his long deployment that helped comfort him and remind him of home. When he got back, his mental picture of all the familiarities of home and the reality had one big obvious difference. I don't blame him for being shocked. He probably had a particular homecoming scenario built up in his mind, and it didn't go quite like he planned.
That said, your weight loss is very important to YOU, and while it will understandably take some time for him to adjust to your new weight, you should make sure he understands that you've worked hard to become healthier and it isn't something you want to give up. It sounds like each of you will need to be patient with the other for a little while as you get used to your new way of life - you at your healthy weight and your husband back at home.
What's funny is the fact that I JUST posted this on someone else's post:
"When I first met my wife, I thought (I still do!!!) she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She weighed about 30 pounds less than she does now, and she looks just as great now as she did then. Sometimes, however, she talks about losing weight. I become threatened, thinking that she is going to get skinny and realize that she could get a much better-looking, thinner, more muscular guy."
We men know that when you love someone, in our eyes, they automatically become one of the best-looking people ever. However, when the women we love change in a way that could make them more attractive to others, we get so scared that they're going to leave us for someone "better", since they "bettered" themselves
This sounds really bad, but most men are guilty of it, so I'll tell it like it is. On the plus side, I'm POSITIVE that your DH still thinks you're absolutely beautiful. Don't think for a second that he's trying to say you aren't. On the other hand, he IS trying to offend you into thinking there's something wrong with you so he doesn't look as bad for not changing in a positive way, too. It's bad, but it's normal, and it WILL stop as soon as he starts to feel more comfortable again. It must be really hard to leave your wife for a while and then come back to your wife looking and feeling even better than she did when you left. Try to help him feel more comfortable. Let him know that you find him handsome and that you would never want anyone else. He'll relax in time!!!
Thank you everyone, you're absolutely right! I didn't tell him I was losing more weight so I assume seeing me was probably quite shocking to him! He's been gone about 6 months and I've lost 30 lbs in that time. He told me I looked like I'd lost 60. I was 20 lbs heavier when we married and at that time he told me I had the ideal figure...
I know he still loves me and he's always been supportive of my weight. He's never said a negative thing to me about my size even when I weighed over 260 lbs. It was kind of shocking for me to hear that from him!!! He's nervous about my collar bones and hip bones poking out . He will get used to it.
He did apologize to me last night and told me it wasn't his intent to make me feel insecure but he was truly taken aback when he saw me. It's understandable. I guess I was just hoping for a different reaction. I didn't realize I looked that different! My friends see me everyday so they aren't as shocked by it. I should have realized that he doesn't see me every day!
Hoping when I lost these last few lbs (he'll be gone again in a few weeks) he's ok with it. I want to be healthy. I want to shop in normal stores. I want to set a good example for my kids. Most of the wives I know have let themselves go. I'm sure he'd be just fine and dandy with it if I did that.... but I wouldn't.
xdxxtx - You probably also hit the nail on the head. There are a lot of single guys hanging around this base. He's heard a lot of stories. I'm sure he's feeling a little insecure. He nearly punched a guy out at the NEX yesterday for looking at me. Another thing he'll have to get used to I suppose. I know he loves me.
Thanks again everyone. I'm so glad I Have you all to talk some sense into me.... I nearly ate a bag of M&M's last night... but remembered my goals my responsibility to this board and staying on plan and had some string cheese instead .
I'm glad you guys could talk about it. He'll get used to it, and having you slim and trim and happy is far better than if you were heavier and unhappy about it. And with your healthy lifestyle, you guys can grow REEEEEAAAAALLLLYYYY old together.
xdxxtx has it right of course. My husband was stationed in Korea a year and a half ago. While he was there I was trying to lose weight and when I would talk to him about it he would ask me the most absurd questions and he wasn't being very supportive. He later admitted that he'd get the idea in his head that I was trying to look good for someone else and it really all stemed from him missing me. Even with him home now he'll say silly things like that I'm going to get all skinny and find someone better. It's his own insecurity and he'll get over it, just like yours will. I'm glad he apologized and I hope he gets on board completely and just appreciates that he has a hot wife! =)
Crushed... DH got home from deployment and said I've lost too much :(.
. I'm not happy about my current weight. I don't want to put weight back on or even maintain.
) and you don't need to put any back on for him.
