So, I started a few months ago on my weight loss journey. I switched to eating much more healthy foods than I used to, and that's been great. But...
I'm not sure if this is a bad or a good thing. I have two roommates, one of which is a girl who for some reason has always been super, super competitive with me on everything - from chopping onions to academics. I don't get it, I never have. And 90% of the time she just shows me she's competing with me; she doesn't tell me. She's nice and all, but I'm not a competitive person by nature, so I try not to engage. She kind of takes everything I do as a personal challenge to her.
So I've started eating healthier, she noticed, and now she only eats salad. Like, sometimes she'll eat some whole grain cereal once in a while, but basically it's just lettuce and dressing with some veggies thrown in. I notice she always tries to sit close to me when she eats now (something she didn't do before) and makes sure I can see what she's eating. It's weird.
Also, she's started complaining more about how she's afraid she'll get fat (she's 120 lbs soaking wet, my height, and very pretty - she's never been anywhere close to fat a day in her life), and what foods make you fat, and which don't, and does her stomach look big? (No, it doesn't.)
I feel like she's racing to lose weight, too. Which she doesn't need to do at all. I'm a little worried...
On the one hand, she's KIND of eating healthier (minus the no variety) since her old diet was mac 'n cheese and other such foods. On the other hand, it feel like she's just trying to beat me at something again. This isn't a competition, never was and never will be, but I don't know how to get her to calm down about it.
I'm not sure if I should talk to her and clarify that I'm not trying to compete with her. I just don't know.
And I'm concerned about what might happen if I actually do lose a lot more weight. I have no clue how she'll react. She's always complained to me that I was smarter and more capable than she is (I don't know if I am, but those comments are very uncomfortable for me), and I don't want her to freak out because I might be getting thinner now. She did that the last time I lost a little weight. It was a little scary.
I don't mean to imply that she's not a good friend - she is, just [I]not[I] with things like this.
Has anyone else dealt with a friend like this before? What did you do, and did it turn out okay? Did you say or do anything to deal with it? How'd that go?
Last edited by LiannaKole; 09-16-2010 at 04:19 PM.
I just wanted to say that I think you're a saint for not either totally taking it up a notch and competing back (maybe not in this case since it's health related, but in the onion chopping lol) or flipping out. I absolutely can't stand that sort of competitiveness in friends so I really admire your levelheadedness!
I'm sure someone will have some actual advice to offer you, but that's my 2 cents.
I've had competitive friends but never to the point where they could potentially be hurting themselves through starvation. Takes a LOT of will power to eat nothing but lettuce.
She clearly has self esteem issues! I usually fight my friends with sarcasm but I'm a terrible role model.
sorry I don't have any useful advice ether... hopefully she's eating when your not around. Maybe you should start bragging about how filling broccoli is "I'll bet I'm less hungry then you!" /shrug
good luck!
This is her problem, and it doesn't have to become yours, but there's a lot more at stake here for her than competitiveness.
From what you describe, her diet doesn't sound remotely healthy. Lettuce with vegetables and dressing? Where are the starches, proteins, dairy and (if she's using low-cal dressing) healthy fats.
No food is healthy in a vaccuum - it all is based on context, balance, and variety. No variety means unhealthy, especially when it means eliminating whole food groups, not just few choices within a variety of groups (although that's not particularly healthy either). Even eliminating grains might not be terrible - if other starchy veggies are eaten, but lettuce, veggies, and salad dressing do not provide enough variety to remotely be considered healthy. No food is healthy, if it's all you eat.
It won't do her or you any good to hold back your best for yourself so that she doesn't wig out. You're not responsible for her mental and physical health. Although deliberately aggravating and rubbing her nose in her problems is beneath you, whether she were a friend or an enemy, so although it might be tempting to fight fire with fire, it won't help her or you (but you know that already because you made it clear that you aren't interested in competing with her, you've got the higher ground, stick to it for both of your sakes).
As to telling her, I'm not sure it will do much good, because I'm not sure how aware she is of it. You can try, but remember you're not responsible for how she takes it. You might (if you want to) consider talking to her about nutrition - unless your diet is just as unbalanced as hers ("Do as I say, not as I do," never works when someone is admiring you, whether it's a child or an adult).
They say mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery, but it's also the most annoying, and when it's anyone over 12 years old, it tends to be creepy to boot. Still, your being annoyed, probably isn't going to stop her. She obviously admires you very much, and/or doesn't know who she is without comparing and competing with others. Some people don't really develop that sense of self until they're out of their 20's (and some people never do).
To make it worse, she's not just competing in harmless ways like dressing like you. Instead, she could be risking her health, as this behavior sounds more than a bit eating-disorderish. You can try to talk to her about it, but with eating disorders, that also doesn't alway help. But you can't baby her either, because you have to do what's right for your body. You can try to talk to her, and if it doesn't help, consider talking with other friends and family of hers, although any intervention can destroy the friendship. If she's putting herself at risk, it could still be the right thing to do, but you've got to be prepared and willing to take that on, if that's the case. If you think it's more annoying to you than physically harmful to her, you might decide it's not worth your time and effort to try to "fix" her (and whether or not you want to try, it may not work, probably won't work).
As a good friend you'll want to consider what's best for her, but you also need to consider what's best for you. You can't save a drowning friend by going down with them.
I'd bust it out in the open. Draw her attention to it - maybe she isn't even aware she seems to be competing with you. Or maybe you mentioning it will make her realize how ridiculous it is.
That said, some of my skinny friends liked having me as the fat girl and it ruffled a few feathers when it became clear that I wasn't anymore.
sounds to me like she's jealous of you, and the attention you'll be getting or already getting from your weight loss.
she might not know how mean she's being but i seriously wouldn't consider someone like that my friend, who was always competing with me instea of supporting me.
I don't think talking to her would help much as this seems to be a compulsion she has regardless of you engaging her in competition (which you clearly haven't). I think you need to do your own thing, and definitely don't recognize her "effort" at all, to more or less down play it, you know? If she doesn't get praise or attention, perhaps the novelty will wear off.
Weird Reaction from My Roommate
