I posted this in the depression forum, but I usually post here, and I'll take as much advice as I can get. I don't expect many people to get through the whole thing. I just needed to let this out.
I'm not really sure how to control my emotions anymore. All I feel anymore is stressed, trapped, depressed, angry, and sad. A little background information will be needed for all of it to make sense.
First of all, I'm 19 years old, 20 in October, and I live with my 24 year old brother, and our parents. Both of my parents are in an extremely bad situation. Many years ago, both my mother and father were hurt on the job. To be exact, my father, 20 years ago, and my mother about 12 or 13 years ago. Both were left seriously injured and have been unable to go back to work since. Over the years, their conditions have gotten worse, and they've had more things added to their medical troubles. My dad has an awful back, with a few failed back surgeries, as well as chronic pain all over. My mom, the same except she also has really bad knees. Not only is she constantly hurting, but because of being unable to work, or even really move around well, she's gained a lot of weight which I'm pretty sure has contributed to make her pain worse.
I'm not really sure what to do. While I feel awful for them, and want to do whatever I can to help them, I can't help but feel stuck, and trapped, and glued here for life. My brother feels the same way. Not only do we feel as though we're going to feel craploads of guilt once we move out, we're not sure that's ever going to be able to happen. I'm working part-time, 20 hours or less a week, for 7.47 an hour. Every dime goes to the household. Whether it be food, or bills. Over the years, they've lost a decent bit of income, and before they knew it, they've fallen into a hole that they're never going to be able to climb themselves out of. So, all of my money goes to them, and when my brother had a job (he just recently got let go.) Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I can help, but I feel trapped. Because of this, I've never gotten my license, because I can't afford a car, or insurance. This has pretty much killed any chance at a decent social life. It's held me back from having any freedom of my own.
My parents have to be involved in every single part of my life. They need to know every single detail about where I am (which is either in my room, at work, or in the sunroom with my boyfriend, unless he and I go out.), what I'm doing, and IF i do spend anything, they have to know where every dime went. It's moreso my mom that needs to know all the details. She asks everytime I have my phone out, who I'm texting, who I'm talking to online. If I decide to go upstairs, I get "Well, why are you going upstairs?" Every single time. And if I happen to leave the room, and she doesn't notice, she asks my brother where I went, and if the laptop is next to the chair to see if I'm coming back down anytime soon. There are only 3 places in the house that I would go. To my room, to the sunporch to exercise, or to the bathroom to get a shower. She needs to know exactly what I'm doing even when I'm inside the house. If I decide to go to bed before like, 12, it's automatically, "why are you going to bed?" I try and spend time with them downstairs a lot. That's more than my brother can handle. But whenever I try to go somewhere, it's suddenly 20 questions.
There are times that I want to take my mom out for a girls day of window shopping, and maybe if I can I'll treat her to a movie. And then I realize she can't handle walking around. We'd get to one, maybe two stores, and then she's in pain. I hate knowing there's nothing I can do. I hate watching them in pain.
Today, it's the stupidest thing ever, but I was cleaning out my room. (I've completely let it go. It's awful.) So, I decided to start on it. I wound up with a bag of trash. I went downstairs to take it outside, and my mom asks, "What's in the bag?" I told her, trash. "Well what kind of trash?" and I said, what do you mean what kind of trash? it's trash. "You're not throwing away anything you shouldn't be, are you?" no. I think I know what trash is. It's dumb little things like that. All the time.
Don't get me wrong.... I feel for my parents, and I may sound ridiculous, but I just can't take it anymore. I know that my brother and I are all that they have, but at the same time, where is my privacy? When am I going to be able to start my own life? If my brother or I try to leave, we're going to feel guilty for leaving them, and taking the bit of money that we can contribute. All we're going to feel is guilt.
My boyfriend and I want to move in together in about 2 years. We don't plan on getting married until we're both done with school, which will be longer than 2 years. My parents tell me that it's not a good idea to move in with somebody until you're married. It's like I'm never going to get me out of here. They told my brother that they will do anything in their power to keep me from moving in with anyone until I'm married. They can't hold me hostage, but if I have no money saved up/I'm going to feel guilty about it, how am I possibly supposed to leave? And be happy.
As far as my money goes, I can't drive, so I can't get to the bank without one of my parents. Due to this, my dad holds onto my bank card, there's no need for me to have it. I ask, well what if I need money somewhere, I can get it out there. "No, because they charge a fee for that." So, I talked to them about getting a debit card. My mom said no, because I might spend some money. I mean, come on. It's just, overwhelming. I can't save money, get anything that I need without asking, or go anywhere without asking. I'm completely dependant on them, and I can't take it.
I guess what got me to write this rant is the fact that I found out today that a couple months ago, my mom went behind my back and asked my brother if there was any way that he could go in my computer, to get my passwords so she could go in my email account. He didn't give it to her, he told her I didn't store them, which I don't. That just pushed me over the edge. I know it was a couple of months ago, but how dare she do that? I can't even believe it. Will I say anything? No. I don't want my brother to get ripped a new rear, and I don't want to upset my mother. I can never say anything, and when I do, I'm told that I'm the child, so I'm wrong. They don't listen, and even if they make an attempt to, I'm automatically wrong. I tell them that I feel as though they're treating me like a child, and they say no. We're just caring and looking out for your well being.
We're going to have to move. Into something smaller that is one story instead of 2. The only good thing about living here is that I have a TINY bit of me time, because they don't really come upstairs. If we move into a one story mobile home, there goes any privacy. They won't let us put locks on our doors, and I have no doubt that (my mom at least) would walk in without knocking. I expressed the fact that if we moved into a one story, it'd be bad because I need my me space. I was asked why I need space to myself.
Don't get me wrong....I'm lucky, and happy to have caring parents, but isn't there a such thing as caring too much?
All of this is making my eating/exercising habits difficult to keep in tact. My brother/dad aren't interested in eating the way that I need to change to, to keep myself healthy. We only have enough money for one set of food, so guess what we buy? Unhealthy crap, with a salad, and some grilled chicken once in a while. As far as the exercising, it's a chore to get out of bed anymore, I can't seem to make myself get up and do it. It's easier to just sleep until I have to go to work, or until my boyfriend comes. Being with him is the only time that I'm happy, and that's about once a week. Lately he's been staying over (in a different room, on a different floor than me, of course.) so I get to see him a little more often.
Tomorrow I'm going to lunch with two of the women from work, and our old boss, and then Josh is coming in the afternoon, and for all of tomorrow, so I have that to look forward to.
I feel suffocated. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm just whining, but I feel so trapped. If any of you read through this whole thing, what can I do to calm myself down? I'm going crazy....I need to stay sane.
I was always depressed from the time I was about 13, because of my weight, and watching my parents suffer, and over the years, it's just gotten worse.
I know you are going through a lot. Part of it normal for the age and stage you are at -- young adulthood has a lot going on with the "leaving the nest and becoming a financially independent adult" thing.
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Don't get me wrong.... I feel for my parents, and I may sound ridiculous, but I just can't take it anymore. I know that my brother and I are all that they have, but at the same time, where is my privacy? When am I going to be able to start my own life? If my brother or I try to leave, we're going to feel guilty for leaving them, and taking the bit of money that we can contribute. All we're going to feel is guilt.
Not all life choices are "win or lose." Sometimes it's more of "which one of these two choices stinks less?" I think moving out would be the least stinky choice in your situation. It's normal to want to do this at your age. And while you may feel some guilt at first, other areas of your life would improve. Your relationship with your parents would also have the chance to change from parent-child to parent-ADULT child.
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My boyfriend and I want to move in together in about 2 years. We don't plan on getting married until we're both done with school, which will be longer than 2 years. My parents tell me that it's not a good idea to move in with somebody until you're married. It's like I'm never going to get me out of here. They told my brother that they will do anything in their power to keep me from moving in with anyone until I'm married. They can't hold me hostage, but if I have no money saved up/I'm going to feel guilty about it, how am I possibly supposed to leave? And be happy.
How are you supposed to be happy if you DON'T try to change your situation? Do what you have always done, get what you have always gotten.
I don't mean for that to sound mean, but even though it is scary, even though it might not work the way you hope... you have to try to fly on your own right? We don't all stay in the nest forever. And the more you fly the stronger you get.
What's plan B if moving in with BF doesn't pan out? Moving out with brother? Getting some roomies together? My BF (now DH) and I couldn't swing a flat on our own so for our first 2 years we asked a friend to be our roomie.
You can make some small changes. Take charge of your own bank account for instance. Pay your parents rent as a contributing adult member of the household, sure. But Dad doesn't need to hold your bank card. Get the debit card. Can your brother take you to the bank to sort all this out?
Could he teach you to drive? Or BF? Or someone else? At least you'd have the skills even if not ready to own a car of your own and you never know -- in an emergency this may matter.
You might also encourage your parents to get connected to social circles of their own, instead of relying on you and your brother for socializing. I know they have disabilities to deal with but part of the problem with getting TOO into you and your life may stem from feeling lonely and the desire to connect with someone, anyone, anyhow. And since you are "the daughter," the only mode they know how to relate to you in is in "parent mode" so it adds to the stifling feeling.
Don't get me wrong.... I feel for my parents, and I may sound ridiculous, but I just can't take it anymore. I know that my brother and I are all that they have, but at the same time, where is my privacy? When am I going to be able to start my own life? If my brother or I try to leave, we're going to feel guilty for leaving them, and taking the bit of money that we can contribute. All we're going to feel is guilt.
Okay, it sounds like you parents are very dependent on you and your brother. But you are adults, so I really suggest standing up and saying... you know... it's your money. You want to hold your own bank card. Start with something small like that. Tell them you are 19 and you are happy to help, but you're an adult now, and while you respect them it's time for you to start acting like an adult which means... not having to answer 20 questions from mom when you take out the trash. You don't have to feel guilty - every parent has to let their kid grow up eventually. You contribute to the house... but you decide where your money goes, not them. It doesn't matter that they are the parents... after I was an adult my mother certainly did not control my bank account whether I was living there or not.... I earned that money and with that comes the right to do what you want with what you EARNED by the sweat of your labor...
I'm not saying be mean to your parents but it's okay to start asserting a little independence. You will eventually have to move out - it might leave them in a bad spot - do they draw disability or social security? You mentioned moving to a smaller place - is it possible for them to move into a tiny place they can manage by themselves so you and your brother can move out? There are assisted living villages with small apartments for people like your parents - that need a little bit of help but are basically independent.
Grow your wings... I wouldn't drop it on them all at once... but you can be honest... if they react badly, just let them know that all they are doing is pushing you farther away, and you want to have a good relationship with them as you enter a new stage of life (adulthood) and not a bad one... and if they could respect that. And let them know you do want to help them but you've also got to make your own way in life and make your own decisions now...
I'm not a 20-something; I'm a 40-something and so that makes me old enough to be your mama, just so you know where I am coming from.
You sound like a wonderful, responsible daughter and your brother sounds like a great, responsible guy, too. But here's the deal: It's not your responsibility to sacrifice your entire life for your parents. It's really, really not. Should we do what we can for our parents, within reason? Absolutely, and it sounds like you are doing that and more.
You are a young woman. It is absolutely normal that you should desire privacy, time with your boyfriend, the ability to get around on your own, and control of your own finances. And the thing is--you don't really need to ask permission for any of that stuff. It gets sticky when you live with your parents, because it's sometimes hard for us parents to realize that our children are grown ups, adults, who really don't need to be monitored and supervised to the degree that you are being monitored and supervised.
If your parents move to a single-story home, that would be a perfect time for you to make a change, too. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you move in with your boyfriend, because you are a young woman and if you were my daughter, I would like to see you experience a bit more of the world before you take a big step like that. So maybe finding a female roommate would be one possiblity. Another would be to move into the dorms at school (it sounds like you're currently a college student?).
Hopefully your parents' living expenses would be reduced if they moved into a smaller home. Are they on disability? Perhaps they would qualify for subsidized housing. There are probably many more suggestions that others can make, but I want to assure you of this--you sound like a really good kid, but it really is OK for you to strike out on your own a little bit. That doesn't make you a bad daughter or a bad person; it makes you a young woman who is ready for some independance.
Good luck. Your post really strikes a chord with me. I wish you well.
A- Don't worry, it doesn't sound mean. I know that you're right. I may sound naive, but I don't see moving in with the BF not working out, though I know things happen, so I'm not sure what's going to happen in that situation. I personally don't make enough in a month to move in with just my brother. And we don't know what he'll make until he finds another job. So, anything as far as that goes, I don't have a plan B. I'll have to wait until it comes closer to that time to decide.
Money wise, I used to just pay a portion that would cover rent. Probably for the first half year, to a year. Things have gotten worse since then. And, it's easy for one to say, take charge of your money and only give a little bit. Problem is that I only make a bit, and if I didn't fork over my money, then it's possible that we wouldn't eat. Things have gotten that bad. I just don't have the heart to do that to my family. My brother taking me to the bank---He doesn't drive either. He can't afford to. We're both getting our licenses by December, just to have them, but it's not like we'll be able to get anywhere.
I wish my parents would get out and meet people, when I have mentioned that, they say "Yeah, where are we going to go?" And it's hard. They're always in pain, and they don't really have any sleep schedules. Their sleeping is really screwed up. They can get super tired, super fast and fall into a deep sleep if they're sitting somewhere. It's tough. I'm still working on getting them to try though.
Thank you for your advice! I really appreciate it!
cb1- When I try to tell them I'm an adult, my dad claims that they treat me as an adult, that's an argument that I never win. And my mother says "You know, you have this idea that once you turn 18, you're officially an adult, and you can do whatever you want. That's not the case." --I've tried. Not to mention the fact that my mom cosigned on the bank account for me, so she HAS her own card. This is just so my dad has one when he goes.
It's hard knowing with their physical condition, that I'll be leaving them. Just the other day my mom came up to my brother and I in the kitchen and said "I really rely on you guys....and not just for the money." How are we not supposed to feel guilty?
I'm not entirely sure what money they get. I know that they get one or the other, and possibly both for my dad.
It's just tough. They've always taken such good care of us, and while I can't stand feeling so trapped, I don't want to abandon them. I know things have to change eventually....it's just knowing how to handle it the best way.
Thank you so much.
Windchime- It's nice to hear from somebody that is about my parents age. Firstly, thank you for the compliment. My brother and I try very hard. My parents believe in, "Under our roof, it's our rules, and our ways." Because they're the only way I can really get to my money, and the only way I can get to work, and school, I kind of have to go along with that.
I don't understand why they're so, Nosy...sounds bad, but I'm not sure of another word to use. Neither my brother and I have really been in trouble. We're not into, nor have we done anything questionable, or wrong, so I don't get it.
I am a college student, but I'm going to our community college right now, which means I live at home. That's best right now, because I'm getting by without having to pay for my schooling, at least until I transfer, so there aren't any dorms or anything like that. I'm not sure about moving in with somebody before my boyfriend. I mean, is it a possibility once I can save up some money? Yes. I don't know... we'll see.
Thank you, again for your input. Thank you so much!
Lost - I didn't read ALL of the responses but here is what it sounds like to me. Parents worry... needlessly sometimes... and sometimes not so needlessly but if I were you I would feel the SAME way. ****, my parents are AWESOME and when I turned 18 I HAD to move out... and not just out, I had to move 8 hours away to Atlanta with $300 in my pocket because I believed my parents were tyrants and I knew what I was doing.
The difference is - sometimes you have to make your own decisions and fall on your a$$ in order to learn life's lessons.
Not that that's what you're going to do, but it sounds like it's time to spread your wings and your parents can't quite let you do that yet.
I'm sure a big part of their issues with you are CONTROL issues brought on by the fact that they feel helpless and that they have no control over anything else due to their disabilities.
It sucks, but it's their own insecurities being projected onto you.
It sounds like you have to do what you have to do. Trust me, your parents may be PISSED at first, but they'll eventually get over it.
My parents are very anti-living with your significant other until married. My brother moved in with his gf a few years ago and he was 30 years old. You know what? My parents didn't agree with it, but they understood it was HIS life and HIS choices.
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Oh and one more thing. This is JUST a suggestion. I hate to tell you this, but so be it.
Obviously you're generating some kind of money. Whether you have to tell your parents to pull out $25 and tell them its for something else, or whatever... get your boyfriend to take you to a bank and open YOUR OWN bank account. Your parents really have no business having so much access to yours. Especially if you want to save up to move out... it may be best to do it that way.
I hate telling you to lie or to go behind their back, but it sounds like they don't give you much of a choice.
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Oh and I wanted to add: I think its great that you help pay for rent/food. My parents used to make me do that (although a very minimal amount) just to teach me about living on my own (I moved away for a few year and ended up moving back in due to weird circumstances, but I digress).
Do you see a therapist or have you thought about it? I know it's just one more expense but a lot of therapists work on a sliding scale based on your income so you could probably see one relatively cheap. Just a thought. Then again, since I started therapy 6 months ago I think EVERYONE should see one. LOL
I grew up in a similar situation. The story is long and painful and not something I want floating around the internet, with my face attached to.
What others have said is true. It is absolutely not your responsibility to sacrifice your life for your parents. My sister works for our states DES, from what I know from common knowledge and what my sister has told me, there is help out there for the disabled and those without jobs, and when they help is refused it is because, by reasonable measures the individual can LIVE (not necessarily on fluffy cloud of money) and earn money on their own.
What I am saying is that your parents should be able to receive disability, subsidized housing and food stamps. That is a part of what tax dollars go towards.
Have wheel chairs been considered so that your parents may work part time jobs as greeters or customer service employees at local retailers? Kroger, Goodwill, the Salvation Army and even Wal-Mart dedicate jobs for the disabled. If your moms disability or workmans comp has been cut she could do something like this in a wheel chair, say four hours a day.
I believe you should move out, period. Not only are your parents relying too heavily on you, you are missing out and losing time you will never get back. I hope I do not sound to mean, I am just speaking from experience. I was much more brazen and my situation was not so intertwined but I know very painfully first hand how hard it is to learn to be social, and live life as just you, not the girl bound by undue amounts of responsibility and struggle.
It becomes your identity, thats who you are, and when you do set yourself free, you will have to decide exactly who you are all over again. It's not easy.
Redefining myself has been so hard, being raised with such harsh views of the world based on my mothers religion mixed with mental illness, really conditioned me to see things in a very scewed way, and I KNOW this. Yet its a struggle. Every shirt I wear, every hair style, ever person I meet. I am working on erasing that style of thinking and moving towards reality.
But this is about you. You CAN do this. As for the bank account, you are old enough to get your own. If your mom wont make changes to the one you have, open one with another bank or credit union, take charge of your money if that is what you need to move out. Turn the tables, tell your parents you need to know the dollar amount they need, then give that to them. The LAW is on your side here. This way you may be able to save money, or at least gain some experience surrounding money management.
Oh my gosh there is just soo much I want to say. I hope you are not offended. I believe this situation can change for the better, for all of you.
On the subject of a car, good for you for getting your licence. I personally still do not have a car. I am finacially a bit better of than I have been, but I am a student and work a job that pays what yours does in order to stay in the financial aid bracket. I live in AZ, hot hot AZ and walk places and ride the city bus, use my bike. The more privileged here believe its too hot to walk from their car to an air conditioned store. Bottom line, life without a car is do-able. Not easy and glamorous but do-able. And you will lose weight walking here and there.
I firmly believe you can change this situation, get creative and ASSERTIVE. This is your LIFE we are talking about, EVERY DAY counts.
You've had a LOT of good advice here! You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. I don't think I was that level headed when I was your age.
On one hand, your parents are overstepping their boundaries - no doubt about that. There is no need to know your whereabouts in the house, who you're talking to on the phone or on the computer, and what you're doing 24/7. On the other hand, though, you feel responsible for their health and well being, and you are grateful that they care and having given you a place to live, etc. You're in a tough situation, no doubt.
What you're feeling is the natural yearning for independence, and you would feel that no matter who your parents were or what they are going through. I second the idea of opening your own bank account; many banks will do that for free. You have the power to change on your W-2 at work what bank account your money is going to (assuming you have direct deposit?) It's your card. Your money. Sock some money away in savings so that you'll eventually be able to move out.
Can I ask why you have a part time job? Is it just where you live (no full time work available?) Or because of school? Why can't you drive - no car (once you get your license, I mean). Even having a license itself is a sign of independence so I commend you both for taking those steps. But it's factors like these that are keeping you from being able to fully exert your independence, and I hate to say it, but it sounds like your parents know this and use that to their advantage.
Here's food for thought: Your parents have been disabled or living dependently for quite some time. It seems to me that so much of this is coming out of a place of fear. They have learned to live dependently on other people and they have done it for so long that that's what they've come to expect and know. So when the person you're dependent on wants to move on, or at least spread their wings, it's a scary situation for the dependent person. It is easier to be dependent on someone than have to take responsibility for yourself, especially when your parents have been enabled to live this way for so long. So my guess is, they do these things because they are afraid, and yet allowing them to do these things just enables their dependence. Does that make sense? You see, there is something very backwards about this situation: you are being the parent and provider, and they are being the children (except of course when they tell you what you should do! ) It shouldn't be this way... it wasn't meant to be this way in a parent/child relationship.
I would start by sitting down and making a plan. Ask yourself broad questions ("where do I want to be in 5 years?" - you don't have to know what you're doing for the rest of your life, but knowing things like "I want to be living on my own" or "I want to be starting my career in ______" helps.) Then figure out what it's going to take to get there. For now, I would not consider your parents in the plan. Not because you're going to abandon them or anything, but because this is about you, and your life, and what you're going to do with it.
This is my disclaimer: I'm generally all over the place, and I apologize in advance if I offend anyone. That is not my intention. Okay? Thanks.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
First of all, I'm 19 years old, 20 in October, and I live with my 24 year old brother, and our parents. Both of my parents are in an extremely bad situation. Many years ago, both my mother and father were hurt on the job. To be exact, my father, 20 years ago, and my mother about 12 or 13 years ago. Both were left seriously injured and have been unable to go back to work since.
I can sort of feel you - to a point. My father worked 75+ hours a week for 24 years to support my mom. She had lupus, diabetes, congestive heart failure, scleroderma, reinauds, fibromyalgia... the list goes on and on. She was sick from the time I was 18 months old until she passed away in June of 2006, when I was 24. I was pretty much her caretaker from the time I could walk until she passed away. With my dad working, I ran the house. Laundry, grocery list making, dinner, packing my lunch, paying bills... All me. Even at 6 and 7. I could write a check and forge her signature (with her permission! ) at the age of 6 - no lie.
What differed between your parents and my mother was that she SO wanted to help us. She helped me and my dad AS MUCH as she could.. Sometimes it was all she could do to make my lunch, so I didn't have too. And I appreciated it.
I didn't move out when I was 18 - I couldn't. I could afford it, but she couldn't be alone... And I knew I wouldn't have forever with her, so I had to take all the time I could get. I got my own bank account when I got my first job, when I was 18. It was in MY name - that's something you need to do. They say they treat you like an adult, act like it. (Yes, you do adult like things - job, taking care of them... ) Go out, get a bank account. Get your license, even if you don't have a car. That wont be the case forever. Your bf can help you, to the bank? Practice the driving test? I'm assuming he has a car.. I got that job at 18, and at 19 I bought a car. Someone had to take my mom to the many many doc appt's she had. It was another way of helping.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
I'm not really sure what to do. While I feel awful for them, and want to do whatever I can to help them, I can't help but feel stuck, and trapped, and glued here for life. My brother feels the same way. Not only do we feel as though we're going to feel craploads of guilt once we move out, we're not sure that's ever going to be able to happen.
I'm Italian, and generally a 'harsh' person, without intent. Here's what I'm thinking: This is not your problem. Yes, they are your parents. Yes, you love them and they love you. Yes, you guys take care of them. They have to realize that you and your brother have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND what any kid should have to do. Take a deep breath, take a step back. Get over feeling guilty. It will do wonders. I had to let that go years ago. I had to be ME, I had to be my own person, because I was. Because she wanted me to be.
I realized, when I was... 10? 11? That because my mother was sick, we didn't have the same 'family dynamic' that my friends' families had. My friends could have more freedoms that I could, but I had to deal with it, because she was my mom and I HAD to take care of her.. I also realized that I was my own person, and because of all the 'adult' responsibilities I had as a kid, I was WELL beyond the maturity levels of other kids my age - because of that I sometimes had a hard time making friends. I realized that I would grow up and get older, and do normal teenage things. I knew my mom was sick, at home. When I got to HS, my dad and I would plan that he wouldn't work so late on Friday nights, and I could go to HS football games with my friends, while he stayed home with her or they went to dinner. We were a team, taking care of my mom, and making sure that I got what I needed too. Because I was my own person and needed to be 'normal'...
I'm just realizing now, at the ripe age of 28, that my poor father did not get much those years, but I think he's glad that he gave me that space. Since my mom was disabled, and I couldn't go out as much as other kids I had my friends come over. My house became the one where we had sleepovers for everyones birthdays. And, those friends I made at 10 are the ones that sat up with my dad and I as my mom was taken off life support. They were there all night, holding our hands and crying right along with us. My 2 best friends even called her Mom. One of my best friends even has her name and birth/death dates in a tattoo. That's how close we all got.
I guess I'm trying to say that you have to stand up, get out and be YOU. You have to be your own person, not be stifled by anything else. Soon being 19 is going to turn into being 29 and older and you and your bro don't need to be still at home then, not making your own lives. I'm guessing, deep down, your parents want you guys to be people too. They would want you to be happy, get married if you choose, have kids, college... all those things parents want for their kids.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
I'm working part-time, 20 hours or less a week, for 7.47 an hour. Every dime goes to the household. Whether it be food, or bills. Over the years, they've lost a decent bit of income, and before they knew it, they've fallen into a hole that they're never going to be able to climb themselves out of. So, all of my money goes to them, and when my brother had a job (he just recently got let go.)
There are PLENTY of assistance agencies to get help from. So many, it sometimes makes my head spin. I'm assuming they get disability? Maybe something from being injured? I don't know. I do know that its AMAZING that you help your parents like that. They need someone else to help them. If they can't afford it, a lot of agencies (at least in these parts) help people for free.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
My parents have to be involved in every single part of my life. They need to know every single detail about where I am (which is either in my room, at work, or in the sunroom with my boyfriend, unless he and I go out.), what I'm doing, and IF i do spend anything, they have to know where every dime went. It's moreso my mom that needs to know all the details. She asks everytime I have my phone out, who I'm texting, who I'm talking to online. If I decide to go upstairs, I get "Well, why are you going upstairs?" Every single time. And if I happen to leave the room, and she doesn't notice, she asks my brother where I went, and if the laptop is next to the chair to see if I'm coming back down anytime soon. She needs to know exactly what I'm doing even when I'm inside the house. If I decide to go to bed before like, 12, it's automatically, "why are you going to bed?" I try and spend time with them downstairs a lot. That's more than my brother can handle. But whenever I try to go somewhere, it's suddenly 20 questions.
Why do they need to know so much? Was there something that caused them to be cautious of your actions? Or are they worried that you wont be around to support them anymore? It's got to be something. I'm guessing you've tried to talk to them about all this? Growing up, becoming the person you want to be? Them letting go - at least a little?
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
There are times that I want to take my mom out for a girls day of window shopping, and maybe if I can I'll treat her to a movie. And then I realize she can't handle walking around. We'd get to one, maybe two stores, and then she's in pain. I hate knowing there's nothing I can do. I hate watching them in pain.
Would she be against renting one of those rascal ride on things? The motorized wheelchair/scooter things? Our mall rents them for like, $5 just like they rent strollers. If she really wants to go, she'll do it. Being disabled should NOT stop her life, or her spending time with you. Try to make her see that?
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
Today, it's the stupidest thing ever, but I was cleaning out my room. (I've completely let it go. It's awful.) So, I decided to start on it. I wound up with a bag of trash. I went downstairs to take it outside, and my mom asks, "What's in the bag?" I told her, trash. "Well what kind of trash?" and I said, what do you mean what kind of trash? it's trash. "You're not throwing away anything you shouldn't be, are you?" no. I think I know what trash is. It's dumb little things like that. All the time.
Maybe stop responding. If my mom/dad would have asked me that, and I gave them the 'it's trash' answer, and they asked the same thing again, I would have likely said 'it's TRASH' and went out and threw it away.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
Don't get me wrong.... I feel for my parents, and I may sound ridiculous, but I just can't take it anymore. I know that my brother and I are all that they have, but at the same time, where is my privacy? When am I going to be able to start my own life? If my brother or I try to leave, we're going to feel guilty for leaving them, and taking the bit of money that we can contribute. All we're going to feel is guilt.
Stop. Yes, it's that easy. Stop feeling guilty. It's not like flipping a switch, but you HAVE TO STOP. Let it go. You'll be better for it.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
As far as my money goes, I can't drive, so I can't get to the bank without one of my parents. Due to this, my dad holds onto my bank card, there's no need for me to have it. I ask, well what if I need money somewhere, I can get it out there. "No, because they charge a fee for that." So, I talked to them about getting a debit card. My mom said no, because I might spend some money. I mean, come on. It's just, overwhelming. I can't save money, get anything that I need without asking, or go anywhere without asking. I'm completely dependant on them, and I can't take it.
That just ...shocks me. If I was putting money into an account, and its MY money, and they wouldn't let me have it? HAHAHA. Not in a million bazillion years, no way. It's one thing to help VOLUNTARILY. It's another to be FORCED to. That's not how it works, sorry. Go close the account or take your name off. Get your own. Put as much money as YOU want into the other account, but you save some for yourself. You're 19, there is NO reason you can't have a bank account and a debit card.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
We're going to have to move. Into something smaller that is one story instead of 2. The only good thing about living here is that I have a TINY bit of me time, because they don't really come upstairs. If we move into a one story mobile home, there goes any privacy. They won't let us put locks on our doors, and I have no doubt that (my mom at least) would walk in without knocking. I expressed the fact that if we moved into a one story, it'd be bad because I need my me space. I was asked why I need space to myself.
Maybe, since you seem to be paying for everything, you start managing the finances? You decide what is affordable and where to live. That would be very adult-like.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
We only have enough money for one set of food, so guess what we buy? Unhealthy crap, with a salad, and some grilled chicken once in a while.
Is your money being used to buy this food? If so, it's up to you. I'm not saying buy only what you want, but they would feel better if they ate better. My mom was WAY into healthy eating - I wish I was then! - and she lived a LOT longer because of her good eating habits, and her taking vitamins daily. Her doctors even agreed.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
I feel suffocated. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm just whining, but I feel so trapped. If any of you read through this whole thing, what can I do to calm myself down? I'm going crazy....I need to stay sane.
You aren't whining, but you don't seem to be doing anything about it, either. That's harsh, sorry, but... you want it to change? CHANGE IT. I think if you left, your brother would drown in the sea of being alone in all that mess, so I don't know if that's the answer... but something has to change.
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Originally Posted by lostinstaticx
I was always depressed from the time I was about 13, because of my weight, and watching my parents suffer, and over the years, it's just gotten worse.
Help?
Please don't take what I've said as being mean. I'm not trying to be that way. I don't like seeing good kids being put through bad things, when they are just trying to help out and be GOOD KIDS.
Please hear me when I say: Stand up. Change things now, because it will only get worse. There's always more down!
And remember, if you need an ear, this is a great place. And if I haven't been mean, and you need to vent/talk/whatever, PM me and I'll email you my email address.
Everyone's given really good advice so all I can do is agree really.
This is YOUR life and I know how much you want to help your parents but GET OUT and be you and discover things and learn what it's like to have freedom. It's unfair of them to rely on you so heavily. Yes they raised you but when they were your age they probably didn't rely on their parents like they rely on you and the bottom line is it just isn't fair at this point in your life. There are things that can be changed and should be changed and if you don't stand up for yourself it's not going to happen.
Occasionally you have to look out for number one, even if it makes you feel crappy. Good luck.
You poor thing. The thing that really got me, is that you are forced to give them your money. That is unacceptable. Is there any way you could pick up extra hours, and give your boyfriend the money, so he can save it? Because your parents should not be doing that. I feel for them, they are in a bad situation, but that is not your fault. You are being a great daughter. Honestly, much better than I would have been. I would have been out by now.
I read through the whole thing, it wasn't that long! I agree with what the other ladies have said: you need to be able to be yourself. Because a lot of the advice I would normally give has already been said I'll just say a couple things:
1) You need to be more assertive regarding your money. I realize you want to help out which is admirable. However, you've already stated that your mother told your brother she would do anything to keep you from moving in with your boyfriend. Does this include making sure you have no access to your money? Probably. Does this mean possibly making a financial situation seem worse than it is? Maybe.
You need to sit down with your parents and demand you all make a family budget. If you're contributing to the household income you deserve to be made aware of the situation. You should get to know how much they are bringing in, how much you are bringing in, bills, etc. Normally I would say that a child has no right to know parents finances. But here, it directly affects you and your money. Therefore you have a right to know.
2) Open your own checking account and get direct deposit. You can transfer money into this second account when needed.
3) Invest in a bike. Seriously. Look on Craigslist or eBay for deals. It will be an amazing workout and help you get places faster! Who needs a car? Do you live in the city? If so look into the public transportation options. If you live in the country you could look into setting up carpools to get to and from school. It would give you more freedom.
4) Look into counseling. Some schools offer it for free or some community centers. They can help you sort out your emotions. And they might be able to help you cope with your feelings of guilt. You have no reason to feel guilty but I realize it's hard to control how you feel.
5) You need to just stop playing into your mothers constant questioning. Most people would have snapped a LONG time ago. That's not just nosy, it's annoying! You are not 10, you don't need your mother snooping through your e-mails! I would make sure you have password protection to log into your computer. Amp up the security by all means! You need to set boundaries here--it's inappropriate. Maybe try doing it to her and see how she likes it? When she moves ask her why. When she sleeps ask her why she fell asleep like that, etc. Maybe she'll get the hint. Passive aggressive? Maybe, but effective!
Rant.... It's extremely long.
I'm generally all over the place, and I apologize in advance if I offend anyone. That is not my intention. Okay? Thanks. 
) at the age of 6 - no lie.
