Over the past month, I've slowly but steadily gotten down to five pounds below 190. And then I've fluctuated between 188 and 185 for quite a bit. I just feel stuck. I'm going to the gym, I'm doing WW, I just couldn't figure out what was going wrong.

I went in and talked to my therapist yesterday and she said well it sounds to me like you aren't really committing. I was so insulted, how dare she say that I thought. Then slowly I realized she was right. I was eating better foods but I was still not doing well with portion control and I kept snacking on little bites of things. My workouts were good but I had stopped pushing myself to my extremes because I thought I might hurt my back again, though my back's been healed for years.

It slowly dawned on me that I was sabotaging myself and after a night of thinking about it, and some prodding yesterday from my therapist, I think I know why. Food and meals and big loud talks with three helpings along with secret chocolates and candies when you were sad or stressed were the foundation of my family. A big beautiful wonderfully supportive diabetic and heart attack ridden family, who have all sadly passed away. Food was my final connection to this really safe and wonderful time in my life that I'm so afraid of letting go of. My mom, whose side of the family I'm referring to, follows in their footsteps with her eating patterns and my dad does as well but his family is a big group of yoyo dieters.

So I decided to cut sometimes and mend some other things. First I cut my hair: This was in a performance about a month ago singing a song from Next to Normal


and the second is atop the GWU Hippo last night after a night of shenanigans.
I love it!!

I'm still a bit petrified of letting go of my connection to food and am having a lot of trouble with not just eating for comfort.

I posted this because I wanted to know if anyone else had experienced anything like this. I want to be happy and healthy in my body but I keep letting this fear of losing what I once had get in the way. I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I'll still be me and have my past and not lose them and help on how not to hide behind food.

So my question is how do you let go of food when it's been such a big part of your life?

Oh My GOD! I just love your hair!!!
It looks like you went from just blending in to standing up and visually-speaking your mind!

I just love the hippo pic! So cute!

Sorry for the above gush, as your post was so serious and right on the money (I've been in hiding for most of my life and just recently got a nudge of that "ah ha" moment but that food connection is hard, so your post is still ringing in my mind).

Thinking about it, for me I think the type of food mostly changed was the only thing. I still get that bored/hungry mixed signals, but instead of picking up a bag of candy and eating it until it was gone despite how 'full' I was, I'm eating large quantities of fruit when I can't fight it. Switching to sweet fruit instead of strolling down the candy section of the grocery store was easy, but I've not quite let go of that food/comfort thing completely. It's like I know what I need to do, but stopping the pattern is fricken hard.

Let me know the answer when you figure it out?

I so agree about the hair!
It has (and you have) gone from 'neat' (which in British English means 'proper', 'tidy' ) to 'wow' (which means the same in any English!)

'Neat' = I'm here, please don't look at me.
You now = Here I am! Look at me! I love life!

boy, that's some haircut.

Your hair looks so cute! I've been wishing lately that I had the face and the nerve to pull off something like that. My hair is just so blah...but it wouldn't look halfway as good on me as it does on you!!

I think we all struggle with this to a certain extent. I mean, it is so ingrained in most of us to celebrate with food, and many of us also use food to comfort ourselves in hard times.

So, for me, the last behavior that I really hold on to is having something to eat after dinner. Growing up, we usually had some sort of dessert or treat after dinner. My parents, like many, would not give us our treats if we had misbehaved. I guess in my mind, that after dinner treat is a reward of some sort. I feel I have "earned" it. I try to choose healthier foods, like fresh fruit or light ice cream, but in reality I need to understand that I don't HAVE to ear after dinner, even if I do have the calories to use. I think this will be a battle for me for a long time.

Girl, your hair looks FAAAABULOUS!

Wow, with that spunky new hair do you look totally different and I think you look fabulous! You look so vibrant with the new cut.

First off, your hair is INCREDIBLE.

Second, to be honest, food is still a big (BIG) part of my life. The foods have changed, the use of good food to bring people together and celebrate really hasn't.

For example, 4th of July - we had some friends over. We grilled chicken, corn, and ribs, had a giant fruit salad, and had a big wonderful mozzarella and tomato salad with reduced balsamic. Healthy feasts are still very much a part of my plan.

I take all that love for food and turn it into a love for HEALTHY foods. And I still use those healthy foods as part of celebrations. I just choose items that also fit into my plan.

So why not take that love of food and desire to be connected to your family, and make it a double-tribute...make some wonderful, elaborate, healthy meal, and honor them with both the act of eating AND the healthier foods that you wish they'd chosen and know they'd want you to choose moving forward.

food has always been my best friend, it was always there when i needed it. but all that comfort came at a price in the end, when i weighed 222 for being 5'2''. I think now i look at food not as something to fall back on when i'm feeling bad, but for what it is. i still enjoy food, but in moderation, and when i have problems, i talk to my therapist or write it down. it's really hard not to fall back on old ways, but i was so unhappy being that big and i just know i can't go back to that.

Broadway -

The exact same thing has happened to me as well. And I think your therapist has now helped me I'm stuck between 185 and 190 and have been for, mmm, about 2 months now. I need to suck it up and stop letting my life revolve around food! Tell your therapist thanks, and thank you for sharing.

BTW, the haircut is FANTASTIC! And you look really really happy on that hippo (not sure if that's alcohol-induced or not), so something must be goin' your way!

Anyway, your post really rings true for me, with the strangest part being that we are hovering around the same weight... so i'm re-committing. To lifestyle choices that will help me reverse the diabetes that is already ravaging my young body. I think your therapist hit on something there, and the fact is that commitment to weight loss hovers not on will-power, but on each small choice we make.

Headed to bed now. Tomorrow's a new day!