So I have a male friend in my apartment complex that I hang out with a lot. It's literally just a friendship thing, which I am fine with because I am in a committed relationship and I am happy. The other day, he came up when my roommate and I were unloading groceries and started talking to me, gesturing hello to my roommate but not really making conversation with her. When he left, my roommate commented on how rude he was for not talking to her. I jokingly said "I'm sorry, want me to beat him up?" and she responded with "No, it's ok. He's just thinking with his penis and was probably like 'Oh, look, a skinny redhead.'" I'm still a bit taken aback by her comment. At first, I was shocked because no one has ever called me skinny before, and I really don't see myself as all that attractive. Now I'm just kind of confused because I'm not entirely sure what that was supposed to mean... Is she implying that the only reason that guy would want to speak to me is the way I look? I'm really not sure whether to be insulted or complimented
My roommate is a bigger girl than I (about 5'5" and probably 200), has pretty extreme body image issues like I do, and has just started dieting as well. That said, she is a gorgeous girl. I'm trying really hard not to do anything to touch any nerves with her but sometimes I just feel like she gets annoyed with things like that aren't really my fault, like the situation with my neighbor or when I budget my calories to eat something extra that she didn't budget WW points for or when I "make her feel bad" because I go to work out and she doesn't want to (I try to avoid even mentioning I'm going to work out). Two weeks ago she was accusing me of being anorexic. I'm just kind of at a loss for what in the world I am supposed to do to avoid ticking her off or hurting her feelings, because while I care about her well being, I also have to take care of myself. Other than the insecurity and body issues, she is a great person, is one of my best friends, and I don't want to damage our friendship by doing something to upset her.
Has anyone ever been in this position or been in the position of my roommate? Am I doing something wrong? It may be good to hear things from the other side of the fence, because it might help me to be a bit more aware of what I'm doing that bothers her.
I haven't been in this particular position, but my advice is the next time your roommate says something like that tell her that it bothers you and offends you. tell her how you feel like you have to tip toe around her, bc if you don't now it will only get worst. roommates are complicated and i try to think of them like a relationship, communication is key. believe me it is in your best interest to say something to her.
First of all... you are incredibly beautiful! Don't be surprised when people find you to be attractive. haha
I would tell you to take her comment as a compliment. It just sounded insulting because it came out of a jealous person's mouth.
I honestly don't think it has anything to do with you. It sounds as if she's incredibly insecure and jealous of you. Obviously, I don't know her.. but it SOUNDS like no matter what you do, you won't be able to win with her.
I feel like I used to be like your roommate. Not as bad.. but similar. I was incredibly jealous of my thinner friends and what have you. and the only way I stopped feeling like that.. was when I made my own changes.
I think you should be honest with her.. and tell her that her accusations of you being anorexic are incredibly hurtful and discredit all the hard work you have done to lose weight. They are 100% unacceptable.
I have tried inviting her to go work out with me, but she always says no and I'm pretty sure it just offends her more. :/
I probably do need to be honest with her that some of the stuff she says offends me, but I hate confrontation, and I hate stepping on anyone's toes. Blah. I guess I need to get past that eventually.
yeah... I can understand not wanting to be on bad terms with you roommate/best friend.
I give this advice to my friends all the time.. but when you approach her on the topic don't say "YOU do this and YOU do that.. and YOU YOU YOU". Make it about you. "MY feelings get hurt when... I would like it if.. ME ME ME". That way it's less likely that she will be defensive.
And after you make it very clear to her that she is not allowed to say those things to you.. you could just ask her what she needs. Tell her that you are empathetic to her feelings and struggles. Let her know that you would like to be a form of support for her, but you feel that she is getting annoyed with you. What is annoying her in particular? How can you help her reach her weight loss goals? etc. etc. I think you get the point. haha
I think there are different types of jealousy. There is the jealousy that people have towards people they don’t know…which is usually a more negative, bitter sort of jealousy. And then also the jealousy that we can have toward people we love very much and wish no ill towards…that jealousy is bothersome to the person feeling it. She’s definitely insecure and probably conflicted. On the one hand, she probably admires your dedication, forethought and self control…on the other hand, she’s probably just downright green with envy over it and feeling a little *****y towards you. It’s normal. It’s not okay for her to make comments like these (especially about anorexia…geez).
I would just explain to her that while she’s insecure about her body and weight and issues along those lines, the comments that she makes towards you make you equally insecure about those and other things. She knows that feeling doubtful or insecure isn’t a pleasant feeling…maybe you can put it in a way that she can relate to and it will help her be a little more positive towards you.
Jealousy. Pure and simple. The changes you are making and your own success are making her feel uneasy. She could be worried she will ultimately lose you as a friend. She could be worrying you will "outdo" her in many facets. Ultimately, her comments are about HER, not you. I have lost friends over similar issues. Unfortunately, SOME friends come and go.
sounds like she just wants attention honestly. when dealing with people like that you have to realize they are venting their own problems out at you and you don't deserve it. I say if she wants to change be open to helping her but other than that don't feel like you have to worry about what she thinks -- she's a grown woman and needs to learn how to deal with her problems.
I think Emus is on track. Talk to her, but be careful not to place blame. Use "I", not "you". Maybe try making a "support pact" or something of that nature. Ask her how you can support her, and tell her how she can support you in return.
It sounds to me like she is waaay jealous of your success and I can say I have been on both sides of the issue i.e. the roommate losing weight dealing with a jealous friend and the fat friend constantly dealing with smaller ladies getting attention. I can understand both sides, but I would say what everyone else is saying here and just say something along the lines of "I would appreciate it if we did not discuss my weight and eating habits" and leave it simply at that. But I can sympathize with you both; I lived with a roommate who saw me eating healthy foods while she ate a gallon of ice cream and popcorn for dinner and tried to sabotage me. Sadly, I eventually let her do it! And I'm super sorry if it seems I've hijacked your thread; I'm trying to empathize with your situation and it might not come across that way.
Last edited by girlonfire; 06-07-2010 at 02:00 PM.
Now I'm just kind of confused because I'm not entirely sure what that was supposed to mean... Is she implying that the only reason that guy would want to speak to me is the way I look?
Yes, she was implying that. And she's also being sexist as well. It sounds like she has issues with men as well. Not only did she imply that the only reason your friend is talking to you is because you are attractive, but also that he wants to sleep with you. She sounds not only jealous, but also that she doesn't like men very much.
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Originally Posted by bama girl
I'm trying really hard not to do anything to touch any nerves with her but sometimes I just feel like she gets annoyed with things like that aren't really my fault, like the situation with my neighbor or when I budget my calories to eat something extra that she didn't budget WW points for or when I "make her feel bad" because I go to work out and she doesn't want to (I try to avoid even mentioning I'm going to work out).
Wait, she gets mad and annoyed at you when you say you're going to go work out? And she gets mad when you budget your calories? If she thinks that by you being a successful dieter you're trying to "make her feel bad" she has serious issues. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds to me like she's mad that you're successful and she's not, so therefore, by guilt-tripping you, she's trying to sabotage you.
When I was a Junior in college, I moved into a sorority house (I joined the previous year) and most of the women who lived there were large, and I mean super obese. And they would eat and eat and eat. After dinner, they'd go back for seconds. 3 hours after dinner they'd go back for more. At midnight they'd all go out for Jack in the Box.
Now at this time I was around 170, I gained a little bit of weight (I was overweight entering college, about 163 so I was trying to lose about 30 lb). So I wasn't happy but it wasn't the worst weight that could happen. My boyfriend at the time (now fiance) was deployed, so I was a little depressed and I was having thyroid issues that were unknown to me at the time, so I was also tired and cranky and lethargic. Anyways, I started adopting their habits. And they'd also guilt-trip me when I said I didn't want to go to Jack in the Box. And I know they were doing it on purpose. So I gave in. I ate. And I gained about 20 lbs that year. A friend of mine who lived in the room next to me was roommates with one of these girls and she was a skinny little thing when we moved in and she gained about 20-30 lbs that year. Her roommate would say how fat she was (of course, this girl was about 5'1 250 lbs herself) and make her feel bad.
They projected their issues onto me. And your roommate is doing the same thing to you. She wants you to be fat so she will feel better about herself. She wants you to fail at your plan so she will feel better about her not succeeding.
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Originally Posted by bama girl
Two weeks ago she was accusing me of being anorexic. I'm just kind of at a loss for what in the world I am supposed to do to avoid ticking her off or hurting her feelings, because while I care about her well being, I also have to take care of myself. Other than the insecurity and body issues, she is a great person, is one of my best friends, and I don't want to damage our friendship by doing something to upset her.
Then I would sit down and talk to her. However, she is damaging your friendship by calling you anorexic, insinuating that guys want to sleep with you because you're pretty and by getting mad at you when you work out.
Hate to say it, but if she doesn't change after you talk to her, she's a toxic friend, and I'd ditch her.
That's pure jealousy! She's jealous because you're losing weight successfully while she's not. It's hard for someone to see someone close to them losing weight when they would kill to be skinny. I don't think she's intentionally trying to be mean to you, but the way she's saying things are incredibly rude. Next time she says something, you need to call her out on it and tell her that you don't appreciate when she says things like that and ask her what's wrong. Hopefully if you can open her up and know what she's actually thinking, things will be easier. If not, then you just need to not let it bother you.
Everyone is right. She is just jealous of your success. When you try to include her in your workouts she probably doesn't want to join you since she would only be reminded how much you can do and how much she can't. Emus is right. She was complementing you while being jealous of you which comes out weird. She is just very insecure.
You have been given some great advice here. I agree with using the me and I statements when talking to her about it, and want to emphasize that open, honest communication is key.
Its not fair for you to have to tip toe around when you should be able to be proud of your success. No you don't want to rub it in her face, but like you said, you need to take care of you.
Honestly if I were in this situation, what I would do is on a day it seems like there is no bad vibes or whatever ask her if she is free to talk.
Sit down with her and restate the things you have said here. Its very obvious you care about your friend, her feelings and her well being. Make sure you reassure her that she is "good enough" and a valuable person when you tell her these things. It might feel silly saying them but I think reminding people who have body image issues when dealing with this type of situation is important.
Let her know she is great the way she is, and you don't ever want her to feel that she is not, but its super uncomfortable for you to have to tip toe around. You want to help her if she wants help, but your friendship is more important.
Let her know the comments hurt your feelings and that you avoid talking about going to the gym because you feel it hurts her. It might, it might not, but being open and honest will help.
I feel like if you just let things go for so long, they tend to get blown out of proportion and brought up at a bad time- generally when emotions are running high and it could be better handled sooner at a time you feel works for you.
Congrats on your success, and your friend is very lucky to have a thoughtful friend like you!
I would not make a big deal about how you cook, portion or eat if you have to eat together at meal times.
I would not mention anything about your own WW thing. I wouldn't discuss her progress on her WW thing.
You already answered own question. If she says something weird again, just say "Hey, I'm your friend. I care about you and value you in my life. If you need support I'm more than happy to try. If there's something you think we need to talk about, I'm willing to listen."
If there's something she wants to talk about, great. If she doesn't, well then, the ball was in her court. You aren't a mind reader. You are also not responsible for her feelings.
You are responsible for your actions. So if she brings up a valid problem that is a result of your actions, you can think about how to reach a compromise or fix it.
"You working out late at night keeps me awake with noise and I need sleep." Ok, that's a valid roomie comment.
"You working out makes me feel inadequate." That is not.
All you have to say to things like that is "I'm sorry you feel that way. But I'm not out to hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to take care of me."
Insecure roommate and dieting issues
