Man oh man.
Every aspect of my life right now is just... messed... up.

I moved home from university back in with the family. Officially, I'm spending this summer:

1. Taking 3 university courses correspondence to finish my undergraduate degree.
2. Doing graphic design work (Web design, brochures, etc.)
3. Working a part time job.

Sounds pretty good, eh? But the REALITY of what I'm doing this summer is:

1. Ignoring my courses until I realize I have a deadline or a quiz coming up, half-assing the work, missing participation marks, and barely caring, because I just want to be finished.
2. Doing design work when my business partner reminds me that he needs certain images and projects finished by certain times so he can get on with his coding work. Ignoring it the rest of the time.
3. I've "got" the part-time job, but they're not starting me until later next month, so... not working.
And best of all..
4. Spending every weekend in Toronto (essentially the New York City of Canada) drinking way too much, eating garbage and overdoing my social life as I lacked it in spades all of last year.

I feel... so lazy. So unmotivated. So disgusting... and when you're lazy in every other aspect of your life, you can BET that you're not motivated in the weight-loss efforts either. When I first got home, I dropped a few pounds, was at 151, felt great... and then the scale started creeping. In the wrong direction. Where did all my motivation go?

My mom is a super-healthy eater, but my stepsister and stepdad don't have weight problems, so they have garbagey stuff around. Cookies, ice cream, granola bars, chocolate. They have a ziploc bag full of Reese's Pieces in the cupboard downstairs right now, and they've been haunting me all day.

I want to turn things around, but I can't figure out where all of my motivation went... why am I letting myself get like this? I KNOW I'm capable of motivated weight loss, but... I just don't know where all that motivation went. When I have snaps of hysterical guilt over having eaten something awful, I've been going for the occasional run... but I've never been a long-distance runner, I have trouble pacing myself... and I also have trouble pushing myself. Other than that, I haven't felt any desire to work out... I definitely haven't been going for constant runs.

And on top of all of this... the boy drama. I broke up with my ex in April, and spending all my weekends in Toronto with this huge group of guys who love soccer as much as me... has resulted in some pseudo-flirations with guys who have expressed a bit of interest. But the flirtations often make me feel MORE self-conscious and disgusting, and not want to progress these relationships, because I'm not happy with how I look.

Where has all the motivation gone, and how do I get it back!?!???

Just out of curiosity, are you still sticking to the gluten-free thing? If not, maybe just starting there is the way to get started again?

Hey hon, it's good to see you back around here. I don't have much advice on the whole motivation thingie right now....

Because I am supposed to be:
1) Working hard at my full time job
2) Applying to school so I can go back in the fall
3) Applying to volunteer positions for when I return to school in the fall

Instead I am:
1) Spending too much time on 3FC and other forums instead of working
2) Ignoring my school applications to spend time sitting on patios in the summer
3) Ignoring my volunteer applications to spend time planning BBQs with my friends

I'm unhappy with my job (I love the ppl and the company, but hate my actual job) but am nervous about returning to school coz I'm not sure that I'm motivated enough to get the grades I need to get in to the master's program I want. I'm afraid to quit a a job that I'm very very good at and very well respected for. I'm afraid to be a broke student again. So I'm hiding my head in the sand and am doing nothing.

Sigh, why can't all this be easy!?!

I hear you, hun. I'm home from college this summer, too, and using getting away from the crappy lifestyle I lead down there as an excused to get in better shape and get things done. It sure as **** isn't easy, though.

It's hard to keep your motivation going. My goals for this summer are:

1. Get in Shape
2. Work to make some $$$
3. Get cracking on my novel so it's done by the end of the summer
4. Get my notes together for my senior thesis come Fall.

I've been doing decently well on 1 and 3. 3 could be going a lot better, though. 2 I go in for orientation tonight and I really don't want to go, but I'm forcing myself. 4...I haven't touched yet, but I'm waiting for the burn out from last semester to wear off. >>;

Though I've really been hitting it hard on the getting in shape thing, which is helping me stay motivated in other areas. Maybe pick one of your areas that you're having issues right now that you think will be the easiest to start to get back on track and start there. The others will follow once your ego gets boosted from doing a good job in one area.

JELBB!!!!! Aaaah!! I am taking a 5-minute hiatus FROM my hiatus just because I am SO excited to see you on the boards, sweetie! I have missed you so much!

Anyways, I think the first and most IMPORTANT thing that I really want to emphasize to you is to STOP beating yourself up right NOW, missy! From the sounds of it, you have not been doing nearly as bad a job at sticking with your healthy lifestyle as you would have us believe... Sure, you might have slipped up a few times and made the occasional poor choice, but you're totally ignoring the hundreds and hundreds of GOOD choices that you make every day! I mean, think about it--so you started the summer around 151 lbs, and now you're 155 lbs... Which means that over the course of, what, 1-1.5 months, you have gained a total 4 measly little pounds. I know as well as anyone that every stinkin' pound gains, and that you feel the pain of each and every one, BUT, you still ain't foolin' me with all this criticism of yourself. If you had completely and totally fallen off the wagon, I'm pretty sure you would have gained a heckuva lot more, so clearly you must be doing something right that you're not telling us about.

No, but in all seriousness, I think one of the best ways of getting your motivation BACK is to realize all of the things that you really ARE capable of doing--the things that you already HAVE been doing, but maybe without even realizing it or giving yourself the proper credit for it. For example, you mentioned that you've been going for runs--um, that's awesome! Don't try to downplay that! Every bit of exercise counts, and even if you think you were only motivated to do it because of guilt, the fact that you feel "guilty" at ALL reflects that you haven't totally lost your motivation to do this. There may only be a tiny little shred left, but it is there, and if you start building yourself up, it will bring friends! Also, you mentioned that there's tons of junk in the house (ZOMG, Reese's Pieces?? For a ridic PB addict like me, that is like death in a ziploc bag!! hehe). This is something that I can totally relate to, because my house is full to the brim of all my family's junk, too, and it drives me absolutely nuts whenever I'm home... BUT I am in constant awareness of the fact that I'm resisting all those yummy foods, and I revel in that! Seriously, I claim it as a victory if I'm even able to be in the same house as all of that stuff and not give in to it, and you should do the same!! If you start recognizing all the positive things that you DO do for yourself, you'll start to rediscover an awareness of your own amazing strength... You'll feel like you ARE the person you want to be, and stop feeling like a failure because you'll no longer be dwelling on your few temporary faults (which are SO few in comparison to all of your amazing qualities!).

Argh, I feel like I still have SO much to say, but I have already been writing for waaay too long, and I need to go bury myself under my piles of work again... But I really just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you were very much missed, I am glad to see you, and I wish you ALL the best of luck in getting your motivation, hun! Welcome back!!

Argh, I'm so with you there on so many levels.

I spend a lot of time in Toronto (currently residing in Mississauga) on weekends partying with old friends and the drinking/partying lifestyle catches up with you FAST.

And I completely understand how hard a cycle it is to break. I'll be the first to admit that if I'm out in a bar or club and feelings of inadequacy about the way I look compared to other people I'm surrounded by start to creep up, you tend to drink to sort of remedy that and feel more comfortable in your surroundings. Because somehow feeling dizzy and slurring your words make you more appealing of a conversation partner haha.

But we're around the same size and I feel like it's sort of silly for me to feel inadequate or big or whatever. I mean, we're what is normal for women our age! I recently admitted to a guy friend of mine that I was insecure about the way I looked naked and about a new guy seeing me naked and he scoffed at me and said I was crazy and delusional and listed a couple of our guy friends who have had their eye on me. Which is weird but also kind of made sense.

I'm still dreading the swim suit season that is creeping up on me though :|

I didn't recognize you with the new avatar Jelbb! Haha
Anyway, what helps me get my life back in order is a good cleanup. At home with my parents, it was my room, and now here, it's my house. Like a total top to bottom cleaning and organizing. It sounds odd.. but I find that it totally helps me focus better, be more relaxed, and makes me WANT to work harder. And I'm a normally messy person lol. I usually have to do this right before exams or else no studying is getting done, even if I spend no time in my room!

Julie:
For the most part, I am still sticking to it. Every once in a while I have days where I just... cheat. And sometimes get tummy aches/bad digestive issues because of it. I should probably get back on being super strict with it all the time.

Shanny:
I wish I could help you out. I AM a broke student still... best I can say is maybe build yourself up a bit of a financial cushion before you go back to school if you can... and make sure you don't burn your bridges on the way out the door.
But to be honest... life's too short to spend it doing a job you hate. <3 (Thanks for the welcome back!)

Picture:
Your advice was actually really great. About picking one aspect to get under control and focusing on it? I appreciated it. I did a ton of school work today, and while that doesn't take care of all my other problems... it makes me feel like I have a little bit of control back.

MEREDITH!!!!!!:
Aw, honey I missed you too! I come back and check every once in a while, and just look at your photos... my god, you're so beautiful, and such an inspiration. I love love love that you're still going at it and still doing well. You're gonna surpass me in NO time!
I missed you so much, I loved reading your little rant to me more than I can possibly express! It really gives me the kick I feel like I need. Tomorrow's gonna be a really good day. The first REALLY good day I've had in a while, and it's a tribute to YOU, Meredith.
I know how stressful all that school junk is, so I hope you're kicking some serious ***, and taking names!
Btw, you're coming back on my birthday, hehe. June 11th! <3

Hotnew:
Pshh, honey, I'm living up near Barrie, you're living in the oh-so-populated Mississauga? You win!
I love that you're so close by tho! Tip: Augusta House on Friday, Czehovski's on Saturday. I'm being dragged.
I totally get what you're talking about tho. I'm a very self-deprecating person when it comes to my looks and weight, I really get serious feelings of inadequacy, often in bars. Recently I made a slight comment about my weight to one of my TO guy friends, and he was like, "What the christ are you talking about, you're not fat..??"
I think we're in the same boat. Not LARGE, but not where we want to be either. And it still feels... just the same as when we were at our highest sometimes.

Analeh:
Thanks for the advice honey, I might do that. I do tend to let my room get a little bit cluttered, and I'm... a neat freak in a slob's body. I make a mess, but I loooove order and cleanliness. Oxymoron-ic, isn't it?
I'll try to tidy the whole room tomorrow. I'd clean the rest of the house, but I live with my mother, and she's a neat freak trapped in an even neater freak... who's trapped in the body of an obsessive compulsive cleaner.


Me:
Thanks to you guys for trying to give me a bit of a push. Sometimes it's just nice to know there are people out there rooting for you when you feel like absolute ****.
I'm gonna do my damnedest to get the ball rolling tomorrow... and the scale moving back in the right direction. <3

I am so there too. I am doing a little better than normal with procrastination but not great! The post about picking one thing is very helpful.

I have classes to take, volunteer hours to finish, grad school to apply to...so much to do! Exercise takes a back burner after a long day but i will probably be getting up early to work out soon when school starts back. Or swimming laps at night, or both. But food is my worst enemy right now and i keep falling victim to it daily and seeing the scale creep up is the worst! I wish you luck!!

Hi Jelbb, good to see you back!

I've got some motivation issues too. What worked before doesn't anymore... story of my weight loss, story of my life!!

BUT, I'm doing little things that will hopefully get me back into the swing of things. I am making myself weigh daily, track calories on the daily plate and log into 3FC. When I'm doing badly, I want to do none of these things! But even last weekend on my boyfriend's birthday when we went out to eat twice, drank and all around did not adhere to a diet friendly day, I still sat myself down the next day and plugged in every beer and bar snack that I could recall. It wasn't actually that bad! 2000 calories, not good for weight loss but not enough to cause weight gain either.

Accountability is the best way for me to be motivated.

Also, I really think life should be fun! If you're going out and having fun, good for you. Just think about "how can I do this a little healthier" each time. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, like I'm going to be POP or I'm going to go out with my friends and eat whatever!

Last night I really wanted a drink so I bought the smaller bottle of beer instead of the giant one. NSV! Now next time I gotta get the 12 oz instead of the 20...

Hi honey! As always, the brilliant ladies have already given you plenty wisdom and suggestions. All I can say is that you're not alone, we all go through this and it tends to always suck... so

And second, it's time to SNAP OUT OF IT!!! You've allowed yourself some proper moping time. It's now time to take action! The weather is starting to get gorgeous, it's time for skirts and tank tops, so get up early, have a good breakfast, take your books outside for some solid study time (potentially with a mojito), and you'll be able to figure out the rest. You know what works, but now it's time to be doing it for you. No more outside motivations, it's all about you hun. Be selfish about what you want to accomplish because you deserve to it!

And stop disappearing! Looking forward to 'seeing' you here again!

Skinny:
Good luck to you too! It sounds like we're in the same boat!

Joyra:
Heeey! How's Korea, honey, you holding down the fort for us?
Really good advice about "how can this be a LITTLE healthier"... I'm going to Toronto (NYC of Canada) this weekend and I know I have a huge weekend of drinking planned ahead of me that i'm not willing to entirely forfeit.
However, I'm going to try to drink less, have bottles instead of pints of beer, and do my damnedest to order pseudo-healthy when we eat out. <3

Good call about accountability too! I need, as prepping's said... to stop disappearing when I'm doing badly! I'm gonna keep myself coming on here every day if I can!

Prepping:
All I can say is I <3 you. Thanks honey.


Yesterday was my first good day in a while. I say "good" instead of OP, because I haven't figured out what my plan of attack is yet. Also, because "good" is a very relative term these days.
I went about a week, and not a single day passed when I didn't either have french fries, or Dairy Queen, or both. My friends are not healthy eaters, and I was having trouble with the "No thank you," reflex.

So yesterday, I had... a sausage roll for breakfast (bad, and fattening, AND it had wheat, but at least it wasn't sausages, bacon, homefries and eggs, which I did last week more than once.... Small victories...) then had rice and veggies for lunch, then for dinner had a hamburger with no bun, salad and a small scoop of sweet potatoes... then a scoop of vanilla frozen yogurt. It doesn't sound like an amazing day, but man... it's SO much better than I've BEEN eating, and this morning I was back down to 155.2 (I went up to 156.7 the other day! )

This morning, I had oatmeal sweetened with a bit of honey, and blueberries thrown in for breakfast. Every day is getting better, until I'm back to my disciplined self.