Help for Daugther
 

Here come a story, My daughter is thirteen years old, 5ft 7in weight 296. She has been heavy most of her life. I have tried several different ways to help her, but she doesn't seem to stick with any . Its really hard to watch her, she has no motivation as far as exercise, and wants to eat whatever whenever, We were in weight watcher, but do to finances have not gone in a month. Even when we do go for 5 months the most she lost was 5 lbs. Its hard because she does have a mild form of physical disability , but not enough that she can't exercise. She does like boys however that has not help either. She has very little friends and never really goes any where. She is a little shy, and always thinks I should do everything with her. I keep trying to make her see that she has to want to help herself and learn to be more independent but I am really at a lost as to what to do. Since most of you here are younger I was wondering if you have any suggestion. She doesn't seem to be interested in any activity,sports etc. Please Help:dizzy:

Awww that is terrible! I know it must be hard on you, but hopefully it's just a phase. For someone who has a sednetary lifestyle the smallest changes will give you results, and maybe when she starts to see results she'll have more motivation to do something. I would suggest walking for an exercise. Do you have a puppy you can use as an excuse to go on walks together,like maybe after dinner or something? Also, you can control what she eats by controling what you stock the house with. Also, I know that this is going to be really tough because the one thing you can't do is make her feel like you think she is fat, because that would be even worse. You can maybe make it a competition too, challenger her, start by showing her some of the goal/progress pictures on here. I've seen so many amazing pictures where people go from say 300 to 100 something, its AMAZING, and such inspiration because I know that I'd feel like there was NO WAY i'd ever lose that much weight. But it's possible, and it takes time, but dang it's worth it. Good Luck mom, I hope you get some good suggestions!

I see you are losing, too. Continue to serve low calorie , wholesome foods. See if you can get her to help and prepare meals that will help her lose. At her age she should be learning that anyway,we all must learn to take care of ourselves. Have you had her checked by a doctor to be sure she has no physical reason for being overweight ? The doctor can help with a diet plan for her.

Just change the way your family eating. Isn't it you who buy food for the family? After that get your daughter to help making dinner with you. She'll eventually get to learn about food choice from you. Obviously, cut down all junk food (candies, cokes, cakes, pizza, fast food etc...). Tbh, at 13 years old, I don't think your daughter have much choices beside eating what the whole family eating. You can even cut down her allowance and make lunch for her.
For the exercise part, encourage her to dance rather than work out. You can find video that teach dance moves and stuff that girls at that age would like.

Hope that helps.

Lashelle, I think the best you can do until she decides she want to lose weight is to contiue to set a good example. You've lost 26 pounds so you are doing something right. Continue the WW program even if you are not going to meetings and weighing in. At her age you should still have some control over what she is eating, you're buying the groceriesand fixing meals. Keep healthy low calorie foods in the house, if junk food isn't there she won't be eating it, at home anyway. Since she wants to spend time with you, (enjoy it while she is young and still wants to) find activies that you can do together. Go for walks after dinner, bike riding if you can, swimming at a local community pool. When she is with you park a distance from the door when you go anywhere.

I wish you the best, it is not easy. My youngest son always struggled with weight while his older brother ate more junk food than he did and was always thin, till he became an adult. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair.

You could ask her to go online and pick out some healthy recipes to try together. Maybe even one she would like to make herself (with your help if she is not that skilled in the kitchen.) And for exercise, now that the weather is warmer, look for some nature trails in your area and go for a family hike.

When I was 13, my mom gave me money for school lunches every day, and that's where I made the majority of my bad decisions. Instead of opting for healthy meals, our cafeteria had a fast-food style line, and every day I would either have pizza slathered in ranch dressing, or a fried chicken patty sandwich, and fries with every meal, also slathered in ranch dressing. And with whatever few cents I had left over, I would raid the candy concession cart. On a DAILY BASIS.

So in that respect, I disagree that you are in total control of what she is eating. You can try to work together to find something that she wouldn't mind eating for lunch at school but if my mom had tried that with me, she would have had limited success because I hated to be the kid with a packed lunch when all my friends got the "good stuff".

Is there anywhere you guys can go as a family to do something outdoorsy? My parents used to take us for a picnic in the mountains and then after we ate we'd hike for a few hours on a trail. When we went on car trips, we packed sandwiches in a cooler to avoid fast food.

It is very difficult to offer support to a teenager you are concerned about, because any time my own mother hinted that I needed to change some habits, I acted like I didn't care on the outside (which probably frustrated her more) but on the inside I felt less encouraged and more hopeless. Like heck, I'm fat and I have no friends and nobody will ever like me. Instead, when I came up with an activity on my own that I wanted to do, she was all for it. I was in a fun-league swim team for a few years until I gave up on it due to a comment my dad made about how I looked in my swimming suit. Not realizing that if I kept with it and snacked less after practice, I'd look as good as the other kids. The only thing that mattered was how bad I looked to my family then and there. Maybe that is also why your daughter seems to have no interest in sports or activities. Maybe she feels like she doesn't belong there, doesn't have the ability, etc. One activity I was scared about but glad I stuck with was marching band. That was a daily physical activity AND friend builder, even though I wanted to skip it and just be in concert band in high school.

Wow, that was a lot of my personal experience in this message, but I guess my main points were to be very careful of how your daughter perceives your concern. I am GLAD you are concerned for her, but even if she seems not to care, she might be very sensitive about it. Be very supportive of her if she does want to try an activity, and be careful of too much criticism along the way. And really, even as a mother, you can't make up her mind for her--she will eventually have to make up her own mind to lose the weight. I can't stress enough how important it is that she feels you accept her the way she is.

As a mother of teens, I agree with a clean environment and I make my kids walk the dog, with and without me, she needs to get out everyday and it has become enjoyable for all of us.

I don't know what your finacial situation is, but I have not met a teen that does not like a gadget! Look into the bobybugg or go fit wear, there are a few threads on here that can give you info. it is the gadget they wear on the biggest loser, sometimes seeing what is going on is a huge eye opener and all you have to do is complete today :)

Im sorry to hear that you are struggling with your daughter.:hug:

What I would do id cut everything bad out of your house. No bad foods so she can't sneak any when you aren't looking.

Even if you aren't on WW, you can still buy the foods that they offer, or go online and figure out how many point so and so would be, So you can add them up on your own.

And take her to the doctor. I know she might resent it, but tough love needs to be shown. If she sees that being that heavy so young can cause her major health risks in life, it might be what she needs to get into gear

And you can go out and buy recipe books, or even find them for free online, of many thing you can make for her that she'll enjoy that is still healthy for her. Like pizza, and hamburgers, frozen yogurt. They're lots of good recipes out there for these types of foods that she loves and it can still be healthy.

And go with her and exercise. A walk in the park, take her swimming, or bike riding. Let her know that exercising doesn't have to be a chore!

And we're always here to help you!!:hug:

Try not to have ANY junk food in the house .

One thing you can do is keep being a good role model. One of my motivations for finally eating healthy, exercising, and losing weight was to be a better role model for my daughter (age 12). She can't help but have noticed the success I've had in the last year and I am somewhat shocked, but it seems to have worked!

She has not been heavy but she gained a lot of weight in the past year. Imagine my surprise when her food choices started mimicking mine! She started asking for grapefruit and apples for snacks, more veggies with her meals, and even finding healthy choices when eating out! Not only that, but she has been making some attempts to exercise more (riding her bike, using Wii fit). I don't know how long it will last, but I'm not going to push her any further than she takes it herself. She would push back.

I know from personal experience, when you're young and battling weight issues, sometimes it's the fear of people mocking you that prevents you from doing healthy activities that can keep you sedentary. Heck, that's still my problem, although now I have *actual* weight issues rather than ones that were all in my head, like when I was your daughter's age.

I like the idea of dancing. That's how I used to stay in shape when I was younger. Truthfully, I just threw the radio on after school and spent an hour or two dancing around the living room. Looking back, I was in terrific shape, but I was curvy, unlike the athletic girls in high school I knew who were shaped more like boys. But dancing is a great way to move your body and it's free so long as you have a radio or a good CD.

I agree with a few of the comments other people made. I work in health insurance, and you may want to see if your health insurance plan does offer a fitness/weight loss benefits where you can get annual reimbursement for doing a hospital-based weight loss program or Weight Watchers or for joining a gym. Also, it doesn't hurt for her to make sure she doesn't have a thyroid problem. Her doctor may want to run tests to make sure her cholesterol levels are ok and she can go for meetings with nutritionists under most plans, although they do need to submit the serves charges to insurance with some kind of diagnosis.

I think the most important thing here is to take notice of how her weight is affecting her self-esteem and her outward/social behavior. Take stock of that and try to find ways to interact with her that are encouraging. It's very difficult with girls that age not to come across as critical. I'm sure you are doing your best and looking at your progress, I think being a good example is on of the best things you can do.

Keep up the good work and good luck with your daughter. I hope you both are able to come up with some healthy ideas for her.

I think you should keep setting the good example that you are already doing. Since she wants to spend time with you have her help you cook, Go for a walk with her after dinner Buy a dance workout type video those are fun. Baisically everything that was already offered to you. I don't know how bagging school lunch would workout but if she is up for it, it would work. Once she starts feeling better about herself I think she will want to spend more time with frioends.

Weight loss is mostly food, not exercise. There's no way a kid who is over 100 pounds overweight is going to work off the weight. (Walking a miile burns maybe 100 calories at that size. She'd need to walk 35 miles to burn off a pound.)

You can't control what she eats when she's not in your home, but you can control what's in your home.

I've been that 13 year old. I saw a nutritionist for the first time at about age 3. I was in an obesity clinic by 10. I dieted, I fasted, I starved, I binged, purged, exercised to a point of an obession... but none of that lasted long enough to make any difference. I was still fat. It wasn't until I went to the doctor one day and had a fill in for my regular doctor tell me, "You are incredibly overweight. Do you want to die? Because you will die a young, miserable death." I was furious that she had the audacity to tell me these things because after all, I was a top student, with top accolades in many areas of life. But my health was FAILING. It took someone to be really, really harsh with me to get me to change. So many people had told me to cut back, don't eat junk, blah blah blah and I did most of these things. I just at too much fat free ice cream and too many turkey sandwhiches with carrots.

I counted calories. Went from 253lbs to 170. Don't wait. I regret that my parents weren't harsher with me. I sometimes blame them.

This is a serious health concern... a small change isn't what she needs.

Sorry if any of this is blunt or taken the wrong way, but life isn't always roses. It CAN be done, and YOU can do it with her. It will be a great empowering experience to become healthier along with your daughter... your relationship will benefit.

So many valuable opinions have already been expressed so I'll just reinforce with my own personal experience if it means anything... at 13 I felt it was too late for me to be doing things that other kids did in terms of sports and activities because I thought I was too old, they would be so much better, and I was too big for it. I now look back and know that if I was pushed to do it anyway that it would have likely changed my life. I was scared of the unknown and didn't have anyone telling me to think any different. A busy kid doesn't have the time to just sit at home looking through the cupboards for anything and everything to eat.

Have her involved in an after-school sport. If she has the slightest bit of interest, applaud it, support it, and encourage her. If necessary, do all the steps that push her to actually be IN it. Walks are good and all but for a 13 yr old who refuses to see why she's doing it, then they'll be boring and it may end up being painful for you to go to all the effort to try to get her out and get snubbed.

And of course, no junkfood in the house. Cut the allowance and send her to school with lunches that she likes.

Talk to her and see what's going on in her head. Try not to make it all about dieting and losing weight. Reinforce how she's a beautiful girl with such an awesome personality. But say it in a way that doesn't have a 13 yr old rolling their eyes. ;) :hug: I wish you and your daughter the best!

I have been there. I am 17 now, but at 13 I was way overweight for my age. My parents made a big deal about it, and made comments they thought i didn't hear. all of it just made me depressed. I don't agree with all of these opinions, but some of them make good points. She know's she's fat. You don't have to tell her. And often encouragement is just annoying and aggrivating. The turing point for me was when none of cothes fit anymore. Then something clicked. If that didn't happen, I really don't think I would have changed. I didn't think I could.

I love the show biggest loser, and my mom and I started playing our own family version. We competed, and it as really fun. Sometimes we got rewards, but knowing you beat the other person was a great reward in itself. Maybe you could turn it into a game. It's always more enjoyable :]

I wish you both the best of luck. keep up the good work!

:] Nelli

Thank you
 

Thank you all for your comments! A lot of the suggestion we have done. She has been to a Doctor and had all lab related to obesity done. Normal range beside triglyceride slightly elevated, but that was two years ago. She is going Monday for a panel again . We really worry about diabetes , heart problems etc. She has been told by doctors that she could die if she doesn't lose the weight, we have been to a dietitian several years ago. I know she is really not wanting to weight 300 lbs so hopefully that its a good sign. I do still tend to buy some bad choice of food, So I need work on that. I try to stress that we are not dieting that we are making a healthy life style change. I suffer from very low self-esteem and I also worry about her, even though she doesn't she too. I will keep posting and try some of your suggestion. By the way, she has never rode a bike , she has all ways been too heavy, plus with having mild cerebral palsy, she does have some difficulty with balancing. So a lot of skills requiring balance she doesn't want to even try. :p

have the docs checked her thyroid? a friend of mine's daughter was having weight issues, and after years of persistance, the docs FINALLY checked her thyroid levels and they were insane. they put her on meds, and she shed the weight right off.

If not, I think that you are doing extremely well by being proactive about you and your daughter's health. I had to completely purge my house of junk food which my fiance didn't like too much, but it has helped both of us in the long run. When kids have easy access to fruits and veggies (ie cut up celery, broccoli, baby carrots) so they don't have to do much, its a great thing! The kids I babysit for are between the ages of 3 and 12 and LOVE string cheese, any kind of veggie with ranch dip, and fruit.

One last thing... Have you gotten your daughter to try swimming? One of my best friends has a brother with Cerebral Palsy, and they were able to get him swim therapy. In time, it helped him develop better coordination, and gave him something that he really enjoyed to do.

Keep being strong for yourself and your daughter!

It saddens me to hear about young kids who are so overweight, yet I see this everyday. I drive a school bus for middle schoolers. So many of these kids are beyond "overweight" these days. And so are the parents! Yet day after day these same kids board the bus with bags of Cheetos and soft drinks they purchased at school (Hmmm, no food or drink on the bus?? Seems that message doesn't quite work). It is not just the heavy kids who do this.

The example has to be set at home. All junk food must be removed from the home. Anything that is easily within reach of a ravenous teen will be consumed with abandon. My kids know that fruit, nuts and cheese sticks, celery, lean meat, whole grain bread and boiled eggs are after school snacks.
At first they were not happy. But now they really enjoy these things and don't ask for sugary treats often.

Another area that has to be looked into is what is available at school. This one is especially hard if you give her cash and let her make her own choices.
My daughters purchasing habits in the cafeteria are available online for me to view. Our school system works with a third party called Nutrikids. I know what she purchased every day. If she makes bad choices I can actually restrict her acct to school lunch only versus ala carte. (It should be noted that school lunches are generally way to high in calories, sometimes the ala carte offerings are superior). Maybe her school has a similiar way of tracking her spending habits?

Outside of school, watch how much spending money she has. At thirteen I used to spend my lunch money on cigarettes, great for my weight, but it lead to another addiction. It is amazing how much money kids will spend on fast food and candy.

Exercise is probably the hardest thing to get people motivated to do. I know because I am allergic to it also. Maybe if she starts out slowly just walking around the block. Maybe a new puppy that needs walked????

Sorry if this came off as harsh. I tend to be blunt. I wish her the best of luck and pray that you will be able to help her while she is still young and has her whole life to live.

I don't have the valuable personal insight many of these gals do, my teeth were bigger than the rest of my body when I was 13, and my whole family was very active together BUT I do have some valuable insight when it comes to being the example setter for an overweight child. My friend was a single father in the military, and got into a horiffic accident in January 2007 (people in VA might remember the army humvee rollover on 95N that injured three soldiers. He was the one that sustained a traumatic head injury and lost half his hand and had to be pried from the wreck by the jaws of life.)

He had a six year old little girl who I ended up being one of the primary caretakers for while he was in the hospital and recovering over the next year and a half. She was very overweight already, barely 4 and a half feet tall and already creeping over 100lbs. I was concerned. She wanted to eat nothing but fast food and junk, sit and veg out in front of the TV almost every waking hour, got tired walking a quarter mile to the park, didn't know how to ride a bike, etc. I don't eat that sort of stuff, and I definitely have never spent an entire day indoors in my life. It took her all of a whopping three days to adjust to the dietary change. The first time I fed her fresh fruit and salad she wouldn't touch it and whined and cried. Second day she finally took a few bites because I forced her and she was hungry. After the third day that's all she wanted anytime after that. If it wasn't fresh, she didn't think it tasted good anymore. She didn't complain when I treated her to a cookie or some other treat and broke it in half so we could share. It was pretty clear that *she* wasn't the problem, it was the adults around her setting a bad example and not imposing limits on portion size and WHAT they allowed her to eat and do. She got down to a still moderately overweight, but notably more svelte 68lbs while I was in charge of her. Not by forcing her to do anything she didn't want to, or withholding anything, but just by giving her healthier options (for example, if she really wanted a snack I would tell her what choices she had instead of letting her choose. She's 7, of course she's going to want a cookie if she knows we have some, but if I tell her she can have an apple or a few dried figs, a cookie won't even enter her mind as an option) and making sure we got out of the house and did things. By the time she and her dad moved back home she was keeping up on 6 mile hikes with me, no problem. Granted i've seen recent pictures and she's put some of it back on much to my chagrin, but at least now she tells her dad that she wants fresh fruit and veggies (which forces him to buy them) and she won't willingly eat fast food, which forces him to cook at home and ultimately leads to healthier options. He's been emailing me lately asking for recipes of meals that she's requested, and he's teaching her how to rollerblade because I sent her some for her birthday. :D

It comes down to this: YOU, as the adult, have control over the activities she partakes in and what she does. YOU have the control over what she eats. Clear out your fridge of everything that isn't healthy and replace it with better things. Lowfat yogurt, sugar-free trail mix, natural juices or flavored waters instead of soda, cookies, chips, etc. Stop letting her graze and snack before meals, quit letting her spend all of her time doing nothing. If she insists there is nothing to do, give her chores! I push-mowed, washed dishes, polished silver, precision painted mouldings, cleaned gutters, edged lawns, pulled weeds, washed cars, cleaned oil spots off the driveway, raked mulch, etc whenever I had the gall to tell my mom or dad that I was "bored". I guarantee you she'll find a way out of the house after that, be it taking the family pets out multiple times a day, or going for a walk or bike around the block or to the library or something. You also need to establish proper portion sizes and start talking to her about the road she's headed down. It's just going to get harder for her to lose as she gets older because those habits will already be ingrained into her. And you are running a real risk of her developing diabetes or heart disease in her late teens if you let her keep this up.

I'm wishing you the best. Put your foot down and be the boss. The changes won't just benefit her, but the whole family. :hug: