Should I break up with him...?
 

I'm having the worst day, I'm totally bawling right now.

I've been with my boyfriend 8 months give or take. I really like him, he's so fun to be with. But - as a boyfriend goes - he's really bad at it. He provides no emotional support, no affection, no drive to want to spend time with me, especially time alone with me. I am constantly getting turned down by my BOYFRIEND. I don't think it's a lack of care - I think (according to him anyway) it's just how he is. He likes his alone time, he's not an affectionate person - physically or emotionally. Also, he's been hurt before - so he's really closed up, afraid to get hurt again.

Well, I've waited - hoping that he'll open up to me, and I think he has - and what I have is what it is. And I don't think it's enough for me, and It's really hard... because I really like him. I was hoping he'd be this person who cared about me... I mean I want to spend time with him, he's so much fun (and so hot). But I deserve better.... someone who wants to spend time with me, it's like pulling teeth to plan a date with the guy.

I'm so afraid to be alone though, I'm really lacking friends right now...

what do I do :(

Oh girlfriend.... Sorry to say, but show him the door and don't look back. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy that you are begging for attention from? Trust me, trust me, trust me....you will find someone out there who does everything the way you need it to be done. Don't waist your young and beautiful (and fun) years on one guy that isn't everything. (How old are you?)

Your last statement (so afarid to be alone, lacking in friends right now) Girl - You go out and find some kickass girlfriends and enjoy life. Don't arrange your life around a guy or depend on one guy for your happiness! There are many years in your future to be committed to one guy. Live while you are so young and don't worry about "the one!"

On flip side - how old is your boy? If he's under 25, he doesn't know what he wants and may come around.

"If you love it, let it go...if it was meant to be, it will return!"

I'm sure that the terrible feelings you are having right now seem like they won't go away...but time really does heal a broken heart if you decide to kick him to the curb!

I am a man and I can tell you this ...

you said " he's so much fun (and so hot). "

I know so many women who get dumped on guys because he can...and will because another woman will jump to snap him up...if you feel sad because of what is happening between you two than you already have your answer, you just don't like it.

Sorry hun, we have all been there,

- Elliott

I agree with everything JamieJo said... it's just not a match. Let him know it's not him, but you just dont work as couple. I know it's uncommon to stay friends with ex's, but my current bf is friends all his ex's and I'm on good terms and communicate with all of mine. I dont know if I recommend this, but maybe just stop thinking of him as a bf and start thinking of him as a best friend... just hang out and meet people together. The relationship will go it's course and you'll gain some confidence to make more friends. Get involved in some activities without him as well.

Good luck to you!




And hey, I wouldn't say this if I didn't really think it, but you are gorgeous!!! Honestly. Get some confidence (or fake till you do) and find a great match for yourself. With your looks you can get anyone. Truly. :)

Thanks. It's tough to leave someone, the feeling you get from being with someone is nice you know?

For sure. It's great having someone to depend on, cuddle with, love, take you out, etc. But you can get most of that from dating too... :dunno: Right? Not the trust and dependability stuff, but you can get that from family and friends, I guess.

I'm just going to sneak in here on you (I'm a bit old for this particular thread, though :D). Maybe it's harder to admit it's not there because there wasn't a single event that broke your heart or made you upset with him?? I know I always found it easier to leave a cheater, jerk, etc. than a nice guy that just didn't click.

That being said -- I married Mr. "nice to me, takes great care of me, everyone loves him, etc." but he shows almost nothing in the way of emotions/time spent together. It' s a VERY lonely place. It's like having a room mate forever. I honestly was rather depressed and lonely until we had our first son nine years ago. I swear the kids and I are very close because they are my companionship. :dizzy:

Make the best decision for you. It may be difficult to move on but it would be more difficult to stay forever (trust me). :hug:

You deserve a man who goes out of his way to make you feel special, and who treats you as though you are precious. I had to deal with not great boyfriends like your current one mostly because of low self-esteem, but I finally realized what a catch I am, and started acting like I was worth chasing. I just got married last month. I have the best husband. I'm so proud to introduce him to my friends. **I am 35. Don't just take what you're dealt, go for the gold!
Please read He's just not that into you, by some guy whose name I can't remember, and The Rules by Ellen Fein. These books gave me the power to give myself self confidence.

I was with a guy for 3 years, and in the beginning he was sweet and nice and showed his emotions but in the end he closed up on me, and was just "fun." It was like hanging out with a friend, and not even a close one at that. I was so attached to him because we had been together for so long that our breakup was long and drawn out and very painful. It was for the best, though. Now I'm married to the most wonderful man, I can't even explain how happy he makes me. Don't EVER be afraid to be alone. Everyone needs time alone to grow and to become their own person before they get into a serious relationship, anyways.

I'm relatively new to posting in this thread.. but I thought I'd drop my 2 cents in!

I'd definitely let go of him, you really do deserve so much better. I totally understand being alone - I've lived in a very unfriendly city for 8 years and haven't made ONE lasting friendship - sooo sad! But being single makes it easier to make friends, do what you love to do and those friends will come.

You need someone to support you in all the things life throws at you, and I think in the long run you'll end up more lonely with him than without him. Only you know whats right for you, just trust yourself to make the right decision!

-Aimee

Let him go... move forward. I did and have never been happier. I've been married to an amazing man for over four years now. When I was with the ex, I didn't think such men existed. I kept thinking, if I try harder, it'll get better. It didn't.

But it sounds like you aren't getting much, or any, of that from him anyway. The fact that it's hard to get him to spend time with you is a huge red flag for me. I was immediately reminded of the book "It Sounds Like He's Just Not That Into You."

Move on and be thankful you only wasted 8 months on him. You'll find someone else.

My mother told me something years ago that has stuck with me to this day.
A man may love you the best way he knows how, but it might not be enough. Move on.
I promise you.. if he was this way in the beggining, he won't change.
In the past, when I've had hard break-ups I find it helps if you focus on other things in your life, like volunteering.
My mother also told me that I would meet plenty of good guys, but I wasn't meant to marry them all!
Aww.. I love my mom! :)

You sound like a very caring person who's willing to give a lot of herself over to a relationship. It's not fair for you to be the one who's putting so much into this and not getting what you want and deserve out of it...even if that is "just who he is".

It sounds like he's being indifferent towards you and not giving you what you need. You don't want someone like that...you want someone who is equally as committed to the relationship as you are. Don't settle just because you're comfortable. You can do so much better.

I know it's hard to let someone go...but in the long run you'll be glad you did. You'll meet someone really worthwhile and wonder why you even bothered with him in the first place. Hang in there!

I agree, since I've been with him - I've spent less time with my friends, and more time sitting alone becasue he bailed on me or didn't want to hang out. blah. I really need this advice you guys, thanks - my mind is simply not thinking clearly right now.

you deserve so much more than a boyfriend who says "thats just the way he is" Thats a load of crap, I say, leave him, and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you, someone who wants to be there for you, emotionaly and otherwise. Trust me on this, when it's right, you'll know it's right, and you'll look back on this and think you wish you didnt waste your time on someone who didn't want to waste his time on you. Hope this helps...another thing that might help is this book, its called "He's Just Not That Into You" It is amazing and very empowering, it will give you a whole new perspective on men, trust me, it's fantastic!

Come move to Vancouver! We can be friends.. ;)

I hope all this advice helps you think clearer - it's hard when confronted with a highly emotional decision. Just know that even if it's hard, you will be a better person from this! I think if we can be comfortable being alone, thats when we find someone to share this life with. Really thats what a relationship is, someone to help us navigate the world and help us to grow as a person, a partner! Good luck, I hope all goes well for you! Keep us updated!

-Aimee

i was in a similar situation, nice guy, cares lots, absolutely fine boyfriend material, but just not right for me. You're right, you DO deserve better. It is really hard, but i think you have already made your mind up :hug:

Oh, I so hurt for you! Girls tend to be so willing to put up with crap and take excuses (he's been hurt before, etc..) for bad behavior. I've done it, many times, and always regret it later. You're so pretty, and everyone deserves more than "that's just the way it is." What did you end up deciding to do? Hoping good things for you...:hug:

It sucks to feel lonely, but it feels even worse when you are lonely in a relationship.

You're young you're beautiful... moving on will be easier than you think. Dating can be so much fun; you just need some girlfriends to be single with.

That book is so good. It's true too.

If someone is truly into you they will let you know it... and you will never have to question how they feel about you.

I've read the book too. I think it will open your eyes about relationships.

It's hard to ever tell someone to break up with their boyfriend. There's always the emotional high and low. Sometimes he's a prick and other times he's knight in shining armor. The bottom line is, you have to do what it's best for you long term. If you're not happy now, you won't be happy when your married with 2.3 kids. You have to make descisions now that would benefit you long term. It will be hard, it will be painful but in the long run you will be happy. You deserve to be treated like a queen.

If you do decide to be with him, I'd give him a taste of his own medicine. I wouldn't be available anytime he wants me to be. If you have plans with other people, don't cancel them to be with him. Make him work for your attention.

hate to tell u this---but dump him you deserve better he's only bringing you down --and i think deep down you already know thats what you need to do -

My last ex was the kind of guy who was a fabulous friend...my family liked him...he would do anything for anyone.and my friends thought he was cool............he also worked away and I found that when he was home he didn't give a damn about me or care to spend quality time with me....if we fought he'd scream and say the absolute meanest things........I've honestly never felt so depressed and sad in a relationship.......he'd be home for 14 days....spend 7 of them at a cabin with his "guy" friends...or out clubbing etc..and leave me behind.........I also found that he liked to make himself look good to others by giving these extreme gifts...but I felt that that was just it...a show.....or sometimes he'd "jokingly" put me down in front of his family and made me feel inferior...............yes he could say he loved me but I honestly didn't feel he did....His last weekend home that we were together he spent out clubbing with his guy friends..and my sister and I said we'd go out partying with them as well....before I was ready to go he had left.....obviously didn't want me coming along..I was SO hurt by that and said this is enough! Before he came home on his next time off I had my things packed and had another place. I think I realized that life is too damn short to be spending it with someone who seriously doesn't give a damn......ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDSSSSS.....

If he's making you miserable and depressed it's honestly time to move on..however only you will know when you are ready to do that....If you feel like this now chances are he's not going to magically change and be the guy you truly deserve.

There's not really anything I can say that hasn't been said by everyone.

But please, PLEASE do not stay in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone. I stayed in a marraige for 7 years total when I should have left it 5 years prior. All because I was afraid of being alone. I was miserable, and definately would have been better alone. There is somebody out there for you that will be everything you want and need.

I have some field experience in this subject also. Three different relationships and three different a-holes!
During the last one I had an epiphany. I was happier and enjoyed myself more by myself than when I was with him. I didn't really have any friends either. The gym became my best friend.
A few months after him I met my boyfriend of current, and I realized what a big difference it was to be with someone who actually cared for me! We've been together over two years, and it still feels like new love! The other boys (that's what they are, definitely not men!) always changed after a couple of months and treated me like crap!
A book recommendation that helped me was 10 Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Own Lives, by Dr. Laura. And I know she sounds like a kook some times, but she nailed it in this book.My dad got it for me! One excellent point she made was you should never be with someone who needs to change (big changes, not trivial things), you should love someone for who they are and vice versa. Good luck, I hope you do what is right for yourself.

This is the best advice I could have ever received - form all of you!

I told him I wanted to talk tonight, he said he wanted to talk to me to... so... I'll keep you updated. Should I try to look hot? Or just go in a hoodie...

I say don't overly dress up just look cute, you don't want it to look like you dressed up for him.

You think of him as a boyfriend, I just don't think he thinks of himself as your boyfriend, he is not acting like a boyfriend. It will hurt for awhile , but move on, you deserve better.

Hey, I went out with a guy that bailed on me a lot once. When I confronted him about it, it was like he didn't even notice. Needless to say it didn't work out. Now I'm with an aaaamazing man who wants to be with me all the time!!

I say show him the door, sweety :)

i didn't read the whole thread but, pardon my bluntness, dump him! he's not good enough for you.

you said you really like him. i'm not sure why. when i look back on my past relationships that didn't work out (thankfully), it was always the potential of what he could be that i wished he'd become.

hey, you gave it 8 months. you learned more about what you want in a relationship. it's all good - as long as you don't waste more time wishing he'd change.

I hope your talk went well... :hug:

I was just thinking, why waste your time on "Mister all right for now" when "Mister Right" is probably just around the corner :D

Yeah, best of luck! I'm curious how it went....

I'm single, and it hurts a lot.

I hate this.

And to make matters worse, despite the fact that I haven't gone over in calories, and I've exercised. I'm back up to 131. good day.

Gar- so what happened? I know you said that you're single but what happened? are you ok?

Hey it will be ok. Just be glad that all you had to ditch was a boyfriend and you didn't end up like me when I was in that sort of situation(PREGNANT). Now I have an almost 2 year old, but at least I filed for child support today so that should only take a couple of months...ahhhh the joy of men!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Take time to do something exquisite for yourself tomorrow. Really pamper yourself in some way. Even if it's just laying around tomorrow night in your robe after a long bath, or getting your nails done.

You are wonderful. You know you are worth more. :yes:

Keep strong. And for goodness sakes don't look at the scale the next few days. Just focus on being happy & healthy.

I know it hurts, but you made the right decision. If you need help, look at it this way:

Let's say you didn't break up with him. Let's say you kept going on and on and on with this relationship. You wanting time with this "perfect" guy and him just not caring. Let's say, in spite of everything everyone warned you about, you married him. Because, you know, after you get married, everything's better (or, worse, you can "change" him). But he doesn't change. You're still crying out for affection; he's still ignoring you. Ten years goes by and you think, "What have I done? Why did I stick with this guy? Why didn't I realize there were twenty million other fish in the ocean?" Then you say to yourself, "If I could just have one wish, it's that I would go back in time to 2008 and break up with him when I had the chance."

*poof* You just got your wish!!!

Now make the best of it and DON'T LOOK BACK. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Start it tomorrow.

Thanks guys, well I went over there to break up with him - and the loser did it first. hah. I cried, he hugged me I was like dont hug me, but I hugged him - very movie like. So i'm leaving and he goes "want me to lock you out?" I'm thinking, is this your attempt to help me get over this, and I go "what?" He goes "Want me to walk you to your car?"

haha - laughed and told him what I thought he said, then he hugged me again and I cried and walked away. After crying...a lot. I took a shower, some sleeping pills, and some tylenol with codine to help clear my mind and get me to sleep. IT has helped. And I talked with him just a bit ago now - and we realized that we're for each other, but were a ton of fun. So we hope to just go back to being friends... I know I'm a good catch, and I'll find someone soon enough when the time is right. I'm just not going to try for a while - live my life as myself. I'm feeling quit enlightened at the moment. It may be the medication talking though... we'll find out in the morning.


thanks for everyones posts, it helped me out more then you'll know, i re-read everyones replies like a hundred times.... haha, thanks!