Mmmkay. Not strictly weight loss related, but what the ****. I need an opinion.
I'm in a relationship. Been there for 3 years. Met him when I was around 180. He still loves me today at 240, and is pretty supportive of my weight loss.
He's quiet, and kind of aloof, but terribly endearing. He's my best friend in the entire world, and I can't picture my life without him.
But we're more....roommates? Than loves. We rarely argue, and we have a great time going out together, or staying in together. We just kind of...coexist.
I don't feel like I love him anymore. I've actually felt this way for nearly a year, the feeling more convincing each month. The last time we did argue, I brought up the subject of at least taking a break, and he looked terrified.
We live together, on a lease together, and I can't bear to lose him as a friend. But I also don't want to let this keep going. Already, people that know us (because we've been together so long) keep asking when we'll be engaged. I don't want to come to that point and have to tell him then I have no interest any longer....
...its terribly selfish of me to continue a relationship just because I don't want to lose my best friend, all the while stringing him along. But I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it's really scary to think you might lose your best friend (and that really is a possibility), but I really think you should end it. Staying in the relationship wouldn't be fair to him OR to you - because as long as you're together, you're closing yourself off to other possibilities (new relationships, new loves, etc.).
Unfortunately, there's no easy way out. Breaking up is just a painful, painful process. If you're anything like me, you'll eventually get to the point where you can't deal with living a lie anymore, and you'll do it - and it will be awful. But life will go on, and you'll both heal.
I'm not even going to try to give you an answer because I do not personally know you, him, or the situation.
However, you have to do what is right for you. Really think about what is right for you. Is there any way to rekindle the flame? Do you even want to go that route? That is for you to decide.
Whatever conclusion you come to just remember that honesty is the best policy. Also, in the long run, it is you that has to reap the consequences/benefits of any choice you make. Do you have someone close to you to talk to? If you do, they may have a better view because they know the situation better.
Whatever you decide, good luck. This won't be easy. There are many people here for support so don;t be afraid to share.
Lastly, forgive me if I am wrong, but I see that you mentioned your weight. I have personally made many decisions in my life based on the scale when I should have followed my heart. Don't let a scale stop you. It has nothing to do with it. You know what I mean?
Having sort of gone down this road before, my advice is if there's less than 6 months left on the lease wait it out till then. Things may change, and if not it makes the whole thing a lot easier.
Here is my situation, take it or leave it, but it's all I know.
I lost my best friend. We dated, lived together, broke up, but we were still friends. It was actually working (although we said we broke up, we didn't see other people and we were together all the time). Then one day I met the man who would become my husband. He closed up and refused to speak to me. At the time I didn't know I would marry this new man, but I figured my situation with lets call him Craig, was not going to go anywhere. Craig totally lost it. He actually moved away and stopped speaking to me. I heard he got married, but it only lasted a year.
I love my husband and sometimes you have to give to get, but there are days I miss craig too and what we shared.
Like I said, take it or leave it, but this is all I have to offer you.
Oh, homegirl... we have SO MUCH IN COMMON. But try 7 years (and he forgot our anniversary) No, seriously, in the same situation right now. I am usually on AIM - if you want to chat in length about it.
- Paula
Last edited by xYourBelleMortex; 09-12-2008 at 04:33 PM.
Reason: quoted the wrong gal. :o)
I wouldn't break up with him unless you're sure. You've been living in monotonous, predictable harmony for awhile and it happens to long term couples just like it does in marriage. That is, unless you MAKE THE EFFORT to spice things up and keep that little spark there. Here is the truth: There is no such thing as lifelong passion. The couples you do see with it.. we work very hard to keep it that way! Stop being ridiculous and go do something new. Remember why you fell in love with him and talk to him about this. I'm more than certain that you're just a little bored. We all go through it, but that doesn't mean you leave a good man just to get out there in the open and find out that just about every other guy on the planet sucks and can't do anything as well, isn't as smart, or doesn't have half the character your guy does.
Have you ever read the book Petunia Beware? It's about a little goose who wanders away from home and gets herself in trouble because she always thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Just sayin'...
If you're genuinely unhappy, and getting unhappier, then I think you should end it, BUT if, as NishKitten said, these are problems you can try to overcome and fix to bring the spice back into your relationship, I'd do that first before I ended it.
But if you honestly have no desire to work at it and just sincerely want OUT then leave for sure!
I second every word of NishKitten's advise. I'm in the same situation (but still in love). You really have to treat this relationship like a marriage. It basically is one. All marriages get boring, they even start to hate one another.
But if this guy is great, fall in love with him again!! You dont leave a good guy for... well, who knows what. If he treats you well and you have no legitamate complains about him, stick it out. TRY at least, you know? You won't regret it.
You didn't mention if you still have a physical relationship with him. If you don't it will be easier to end it, because he will have to agree that there is little physical attraction on his part as well as yours. If you are intimate with him and enjoy it, you may consider going on a couple's retreat to see if you can re-connect emotionally with him. If you really want out and are still sleeping with him but knowing it's wrong, you have to end it as soon as possible. That one is the worst case scenario, and I hope it is not the one you're dealing with.
OK, so I'm poaching into the 20-Somethings area -- sorry I just couldn't help but put in my 37-Something two cents worth after I read your post.
I met my husband when we were both Sophmore's in college -- in a broken down elevator on our way to a final. I offered him a bite of my yogurt. We sat in the back of the elevator for forty-five minutes, sharing my yogurt and getting to know each other while the other two guys in the elevatore with us freaked out and ripped at the doors, kicked the walls, etc. -- we were both 19.
We have been together for amost 18 years -- married for fourteen with three gorgeous little boys. We broke up once -- for two days. I was the girl everyone thought would get married at thirty-five after a successful legal career. While I surprised everyone -- married at twenty-three-- I did have that legal career. I just did it with my best friend by my side.
Here is the thing. That thing that you read about it romance novels? The sizzle and zing thing you feel with the first kiss? That is NOT true love. That is chemistry. It is awsome, but fleeting. REAL love is long term. It is warm and sweet and comforting and comfortable. It is the kind of emotion that gets you through your eldest son spending two weeks in the hospital with life threatening pnemonia and the death of three grandparents in six months.
Kindling romance in a loooooong term relationship takes work -- and it will never be like those first few weeks of a new relationship. It can't be. But truthfully, that kind of rollercoaster emotion is NOT going to see you through a lifetime with someone else. Steady, strong commitment and abiding respect -- those see you through. My husand is the love of my life -- I would, in a heart beat, give my life for his. He knows EXACTLY where to touch me to make me quiver -- cause he has a lot of practice. I adore him. I miss him when he goes away on business...but I cannot say I get that electric buzz in my tummy when he kisses me. What we have is so much stronger and steadier than that.
Sure, we get bored with each other -- sometimes we have "troughs" for a few months. We bemoan the fact that we often live like roommates. Sometimes we never see each other because of our schedules. But under it all, we love each other, and we are best friends, and we trust each other.
So...I am absolutely NOT saying stay with him. As a twenty-something you have time to find someone else...or, ****, be alone (No one says you have to have somebody.). Only you know how bad it is for you. All I am saying is that if you do this thing and give up the opportunity to share your life with your best friend, for God's sake do it for the RIGHT reasons -- not because you think the so-called spark is gone. Because when it goes away with the next man -- and it will because it cannot last forever with ANY man because that is not what a long term committed relationship is about -- make sure you will not regret losing this one for the rest of your life. I am a testament to getting to marry your best friend. It really does make the hard times easier and the good times that much sweeter...
He is your best friend and you can't imagine your life without him, but you don't love him? I can't understand that. Maybe you mean you don't feel 'in love' as in 'passionate butterflies romance'? I don't think any relationship will always feel the passion. It's something you work on and keep at.
If you have friendship, respect, and a life together, I would stay. That is truly so hard to find.
I know its really hard, but life is kinda too short. If you dont love him, but stay with him, you're kind of wasting both of your time, and preventing him from finding someone that does love him and will want to be with him for the rest of his life etc. You are also denying yourself the opportunity! When it comes down to it, you both deserve to be as happy as possible in life right? Its a tough thing to do, but you never know, once you approach the subject with him you might find that he has started thinking the same kind of thing. Thats just my 2 pence though
As someone also not in my 20's, I have to agree very much with Schumeany on this one. My developmental psych background, as well as advice from my parents and grandparents, told me that hot and heavy romance comes and goes (and mostly goes if it's not kindled, carefully), but that "best friends" is a stronger basis for a marriage than romance, and especially excitement. The excitement often goes, because excitement comes from uncertainty, curiosity and even a little bit of fear of losing the person. The more you get to know someone, the less uncertainty, fear, and even curiosity exists. The more you know, the less there is to find out, unless you really work at keeping the sparks, they fizzle.
When I met my husband, he was quite insecure because he'd had a fiance that decided she wanted someone else after three years together, when he was away on a trip to see his great grandmother after she broke her hip. His fiance basically told him when he called to say he was coming home, that he no longer had a home to go to. As a result, with me - hubby was very insecure and afraid I would leave him (I still see it in his eyes sometimes during an argument, that sense of panic). Once being that badly burned, I suppose it's rough. But, I told my husband before we married, what I still tell him - I expect to fall in and out of love with him many times over the course of our marriage, and that love is as much an action as a feeling. You can choose to invest in a marriage, your time, your attention, and even your love. Building a life together is more than just the hormonal rush of courtship.
I know many people disagree, but I have a couple of friends who are on or between multiple marriages, primarily because they leave when the excitement is gone. And I believe that most of the time, much of the excitement can be rekindled. It would be ashame to give up the "best friends" aspect if the excitement isn't really gone, but is in hibernation.
If he is your best friend, then I think that couple's counseling should be attempted before assuming that the spark is gone, and can't be rekindled.
This may or may not help but I am with my best friend and engaged. We may not have a whirl wind romance or gaze into each other eyes instead of go to school - but we work. Perfectly. He is my other half and believe me when I get old or if I get sick he is the only one I want to be by my side. There is love there but this love is way deeper than any 'spark' could ever be.
Plus - he puts up with my crazy and still holds my hand. I can't ask for anything more.
Love line, anyone? Puhlease?
You dont leave a good guy for... well, who knows what. If he treats you well and you have no legitamate complains about him, stick it out. TRY at least, you know? You won't regret it. 
