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Old 06-16-2008, 03:40 PM   #1  
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Lightbulb What does it means to be successful?

Hello everyone,

I hope this Monday is treating you with every bit of love and attention you need. I am surprisingly happy about my life, yet feel mildly rubbed.

This past weekend, I hosted a Father's Day / Birthday part at my home. Completely with Keylime Pie, grilled Sirloin for the guests of honor and grilled chicken for the rest of us. Everything hand made, everything given that extra little special because I feel it's the right thing to do.

No one has ever gone out of their way for me. This is something that I've come to understand and stopped the mourning of this fantasy many moons ago. I do these things for people because I truly want the best for them, and giving them my love is the only thing I as a human being can do. Regardless if they give me the love and respect back that I would like.

Now some Dr. Phil wanna-be's may say that I have a co-dependency issue, or even a counter-dependency issue. Or the "Yes Child" syndrome. I assure you these are items that have all been addressed and dealt with filed away in the extremely large filing cabinet known as my brain. I came to these conclusion because treating people well is what makes me feel good. Yes, I suppose it is a selfish motive, but a las I suppose there are worse things in the world.

The reason I am expounding with this drivel is because a specific event took place this weekend that brought me to the valley of heaving tears and crying (privately of course because no one wants to deal with a Debbie downer).

I love my In-Laws, but I don't like them. More pointedly I don't like the STEP-MOTHER-IN-LAW. She's really conservative old school Chinese (like off the boat) and her two sons graduated from MIT with Doctorates. The beaming pride of her womb. She and my husbands Dad married about 11 years ago, my husband and I have been together about 10 years. So lots of new people in the family. Lots of personalities to learn. And lots of changing to be done on my part. I didn't mind. I was and still am dreamily in love with my husband. And we get along probably as good as any man and wife could. We are best friends.

As part of the "supportive" role of his parents for my less than stellar background, they offered to put me through college. I of course swallowing all levels of pride that might have come in the way and took up the challenge. This was not offered until I got my associates degree with top marks, then they offered. I think they were testing me which is fine.

Fast forward to today 3 semesters left till I graduate. I have busted my BUTT off (not as much as I'd like but hey!) I have managed on holding on to a solid 4.0 this entire time. I am | | close to graduating at the top of my class in Computer Science and Web Development. Summa Cum Laude BABY WOO HOO.

I keep them apprised of my grades to let them know their money has not been wasted. I do not mention it often, just went I send them little updates about once a yearly quarter. My hubby jokes that I need to fail a class (or at least get an A-) to remove some of the stress of it off me. To which end his father during our weekend party responded "Yes maybe it will teach her some humility."

I was very grateful for the sunglasses I was wearing, because I died inside. I am NOT an arrogant person. But I am proud of what I have accomplished. I have come from crap and made beautiful life (this is a story for another thread heheh). I just couldln't believe they thought so poorly of me. All I ever wanted was for someone in my life that I revered as a "parent" to love me and be proud of me. Even if only for a moment. Yes I realize "Seek therapy" trust me I am in therapy LOL and we speak of the concepts of deficiencies and other mental maladies that either society or our families even our selves post upon our souls. But I do not believe it is a horrible thing to still want some praise, not insults.

None the less I have found that people generally act different towards me when they find out i'm in school. Some develop the attitude of "well she's still a child, her life hasn't started just yet" and others ask me "when are you going to have children?" As if me being 29 years old and childless is a huge crime.

No one seems to understand the severity in my mind of this accomplishment. No one in my family has ever achieved a college degree. Many of them do not even have a HS education, MAYBE (and thats a HUGE maybe) have a GED.

This is not to say that education is the end all be all, and I am loving and patient to those who have their dreams. Why is it that so many seem to despise my goal as frivolous?

I cannot tell you the times I've heard from my own father that "no one gives a **** about your GPA so long as you do your job." my old boss responded in a similar matter, "Some may not hire you because they think you don't have a clue about real life and are just a book worm."

I just want to scream. What is wrong with people?

Only a handful (outside of anyone who reads this) know about my GPA. Only those that ask why I don't go out to the bars with them or vacation ask what I do with my time. I simply reply "I've got school."

It wasn't until my boss asked the pointed question of "What kind of grades do you get out of all that work you put in." was when I replied my quest. Her face was bewildered. "Wow, I was lucky to get B's or C's. I just wanted to get out of there."

*sigh*

I apologies for this EXTREMELY long story about a whine person just whining because someone didn't give her a gold star. I just feel a bit alone and think maybe my quest is pointless, but then the idea of getting anything less than perfect makes my chest tighten. I am competitive, and want to succeed for me!

I apologize for this long story, I just don't feel very inspired right now and only wanted to vent to let someone else out there know to follow your dreams no matter what other say. It will be your dreams and memories that will forever be in your heart. Screw the rest of them if they cannot accept that.

All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.
Benjamin Franklin

What class are you?
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Old 06-16-2008, 04:07 PM   #2  
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Default You Go Girl

Hi,
Many, many gold stars to you.

There are many bright, happy days ahead for you.

When others bug you, do bubble therapy. Buy a bottle of children's soap bubbles and one by one blow your troubles away!

Wishing you all the best

Sheridan
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Old 06-16-2008, 04:09 PM   #3  
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You deserve to be proud of yourself and you shouldn't have to defend those feelings to anyone. As you said, you were keeping them updated on your grades to show that their money is being put to good use, not to show off. If they think you're a show off, maybe it's only because you've achieved more than they have/more than they expected or even HOPED of you.

People are weird about other people's accomplishments, especially in academics. I'm pursuing an MA at the moment and when my mother and I fight and i WIN the argument, she always comes back with, "You think you're so smart just because you're in grad school!" or something along those lines. It makes me very mad because I *don't* think I'm so smart just bc I'm in grad school... ugh.

Anyway, try not to let it get to you, if you can... what's important is that you do well in school and make YOURSELF proud!
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Old 06-16-2008, 04:26 PM   #4  
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Thanks for the responses ladies.

I hear you KLK about the "You're just a show off". I've had those conversations more often than not with my family. I have just given up. It amazes me the amount of ignorance they will be completely happy in. If they were to admit they were wrong, it rocks their world.

I don't need to be right, I just want to have a good conversation and maybe voice my opinion. I don't need the world on a platter.

I am not a religious woman, however I remember the story of Jesus going back to his town of birth to preach. It didn't go to well. They still viewed him as the fledgling son of a carpenter, not a profit.

I feel those circumstances happen more often that I would like to us.

We in America are raised on independence, stand on our own two feet, be the leader! But yet when we do, the response often reminds me of them playing lip service.
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Old 06-16-2008, 04:50 PM   #5  
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I agree with everyone, you're doing awesome. I couldn't image holding down a job and keeping a 4.0 GPA! I'm slighly envious, actually.... By the way, I don't think you're a showoff for letting your in-laws or anyone else know about your GPA. It's definately something to be proud of. If you were spouting off about it all the time, that would be one thing. But sometimes you've got to toot your own horn, all your hard work deserves to be recognized by someone. You have every right to want to your accomplishments to be recognized. It's human nature to want people to be aware of the hard work we put in and our achivements. So since your inlaws are being such @$$es about the deal we here a 3FC will be more than happy to give you as many gold stars as you need.

I think KLK may have hit the nail on the head with your in-laws attitude. They likely didn't except you to do as well as you have, and don't know how to deal with an asult to their percieved image/notions of you. Rather than the new info and "updating" (for lack of a better word, I'm sick my brain isn't fully functional) their idea of who you are, the look for the negative so they don't have to change how they see you. "She may be smarter than we thought, but she's a show off. If that makes any sort of sense...

All I can say is keep up the good work!

Last edited by shantroy; 06-16-2008 at 04:54 PM.
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Old 06-16-2008, 05:46 PM   #6  
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people do that to me all the time...i have always done really well in school, and now that i'm in college i have a 3.8 gpa. it is a bit worse for me because i am studying music (i'm a vocalist) and then not only book smarts come into question, but talent does as well. My boyfriend's family is judgmental in every way, and they resent the success of others; (perhaps because they are dissapointed that they never achived college degrees, or wish they had better jobs). they take news of my academic success as me saying "i'm better than you". even my friends have commented about my grades, and how i live my life and expressed that it annoys them because i think i'm perfect. the bottom line is: there is nothing wrong with doing the best you can and being proud of it. anyone who calls you arrogant for that is a damn fool!
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Old 06-16-2008, 08:15 PM   #7  
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PetiteHourglass -- WE ARE IN SO MUCH OF THE SAME SITUATION!!!

My boyfriend's mother is ALWAYS on me about EVERYTHING!! She is Korean (from Korea) and always tells bf that I'm trying to steal their money (they do have quite a bit, which I did not know when we started dating) and that I'm just with him until I find something more convenient for me to do. I work really really hard -- I work as a waitress as well as doing professional theatre/movies, and I go to school. I just transferred to an excellent school with a national reputation for academics/prestige, and before I transferred, she was constantly saying that I would never go back to school, I should never have left, etc. SO FRUSTRATING!! And now, I go to a more academically prestigious and challenging school than bf and have a better GPA, but whatever, it doesn't matter to me. Now she says to him that I'm just going to find a smarter guy at my "smart" school.

The worst thing, I feel, is that part of the reason she doesn't like me is because I am white. First of all, I must explain that HER CHILDREN are 1/2 white and that she married a white man. It just kills me that she keeps saying to bf that that's part of the reason she doesn't trust me....doesn't she understand that she's basically saying she doesn't trust him??? AHhhhhhhhhhh it is so frustrating.

(end rant, sorry!)
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Old 06-16-2008, 08:56 PM   #8  
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I am very proud of you that you are in such an awesome school. I know it's hard when people dislike just because of race or skin color. Talk about being on the low end of the mental food chain. (meaning the people who judge like that).

Overall our push to be better people will benefit us, and eventually those we chose to love. I love my husband with all my heart and I work to be a better person for him and me. I hope you and your beau can get to that point.

I've never understood folks coming to any country and then disliking mainstream aspect of that culture. *sigh*

to ya


Quote:
Originally Posted by artsnsmarts View Post
PetiteHourglass -- WE ARE IN SO MUCH OF THE SAME SITUATION!!!

My boyfriend's mother is ALWAYS on me about EVERYTHING!! She is Korean (from Korea) and always tells bf that I'm trying to steal their money (they do have quite a bit, which I did not know when we started dating) and that I'm just with him until I find something more convenient for me to do. I work really really hard -- I work as a waitress as well as doing professional theatre/movies, and I go to school. I just transferred to an excellent school with a national reputation for academics/prestige, and before I transferred, she was constantly saying that I would never go back to school, I should never have left, etc. SO FRUSTRATING!! And now, I go to a more academically prestigious and challenging school than bf and have a better GPA, but whatever, it doesn't matter to me. Now she says to him that I'm just going to find a smarter guy at my "smart" school.

The worst thing, I feel, is that part of the reason she doesn't like me is because I am white. First of all, I must explain that HER CHILDREN are 1/2 white and that she married a white man. It just kills me that she keeps saying to bf that that's part of the reason she doesn't trust me....doesn't she understand that she's basically saying she doesn't trust him??? AHhhhhhhhhhh it is so frustrating.

(end rant, sorry!)
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Old 06-16-2008, 09:02 PM   #9  
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Oh My Goodness I'm still getting used to the forums hehe I responded to Arts and didn't see the other emails that came through.

Thank you all for the kind words. And yes I agree it's nice to be able to say HEY I did a good job! and not have people look at you like some show off. I mean what has this country turned into? I thought we were the land of the brave and free? We were the ones that cut into the Wild West with our bare teeth! Shouldn't we maintain that sort of velocity?

*hugs*
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Old 06-17-2008, 09:17 AM   #10  
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Petite Hourglass -- that way such a good way to put it, about the velocity and everything, and it's so true!! It seems like now that we have "comfortable" (comparatively!) lives in the US, people are content to just BE comfortable instead of being proactive. Welllllllllll not us chickies!!
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Old 06-17-2008, 02:13 PM   #11  
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It's awesome that you mentioned the story of Jesus. I know that you said you're not religious, but I do believe that Jesus is the son of God and if Jesus had issues with people from His home town than I think we all will.

I think part of what happens is that when we have an accomplishment, it sheds light on their darkness, which is their own issues and feelings and what they are not accomplishing. The whole dependency thing is only if you feel that you are responsible for how they feel or react after you say something. If you say something in truth and love, it is not you responsibility of how they react.

What does your husband say about how they treat you? It is his family. Does he not feel like he should protect you? Just curious.
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