I was wondering if anyone else has to deal with hypercritical parents. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but they have some completely disrespectful and downright cruel ways of dealing with me. I have never totally gotten along with them, but recently it has really escalated and it's to the point that NO MATTER WHAT I do I am criticized, berated, and yelled at.
It's mostly my dad-- at least, he is the most vocal one. Now just for some background info... I have not always been the best kid around... I tend to get very defensive when criticized (which I believe is at least partially due to the CONSTANT stream of criticism I received at home from a young age), I am stubborn and I do have a temper. I have gotten mixed up with alcohol/drugs in the past (nothing hard, just mostly smoking pot and I did ecstacy once or twice). I have crashed a couple of cars due to the alcohol/drugs, but I have never been ticketed for a DUI. I have gotten arrested once when I was drunk, but I am on a conditional discharge, and the charge is not on my record (just the arrest). I also went to a drug/alcohol treatment facility about a year ago for 3 weeks because of a sort of binge drinking problem, coupled with the pot and other drugs I experimented with. So obviously, I have not always been the easiest kid to raise.
HOWEVER... I do not think this warrants the kind of treatment I get on a daily basis. I have a younger sister and for example, when my dad gets home from work, I will say, "Hi, Dad." and he'll say "hi" in a totally disinterested, detatched way. My little sister will say "Hi Dad" and he will say something like, "Hi Honey! How was your day?" in a super sweet, loving tone. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal to other people, but when it happens every day, several times a day, it really starts to hurt.
Everything that I say is in a bad tone. I literally have to talk in a perfect sugar-coated tone no matter what I say. If I slip for one second or act disappointed, hurt, sad, frustrated, ANY negative emotion, the screaming starts. And I mean, literally screaming. My dad will cup his hands around his mouth like a megaphone and just SCREAM, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" basically until I am crying so hard I can't talk any more.
I have to apologize for everything. I feel like a broken record, saying sorry every time my dad comes up with another thing I'm not doing well enough. Every single day my heart just physically aches because I can't talk to anyone about this. I have gone to counseling for about 3 months, but I had to take a break, and I'll be starting again later this month. I basically do not feel this counseling is doing any good, because HE won't change anything about his behavior. And he tells me that on a daily basis, "I am not going to change, so either deal with it or leave."
And that might sound like a good idea to some people... just leave. Well the problem is, I have no money. The last time I tried to go out on my own, got my own apt, etc I basically got into partying heavily again.
My parents are convinced that I am "mentally ill" and that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Now, I know I have some emotional problems, I am not denying that. However, my counselor is convinced it is NOT bipolar disorder. That is my parents' favorite thing to say when I am not "acting right"... you are crazy, you are delusional, you have mental problems, etc. I know that having emotional illness should not be seen as a bad thing, it's really something beyond my control.
I am in a constant state of anxiety/depression. I am on medication but I feel it's useless for me to try to medicate anxiety/depression when the condition comes from my living environment.
I don't want to demonize my parents, and I don't think they are bad or evil people. They have financially supported me throughout all of my screw-ups, and I have had plenty. They have given me a place to live, rent-free and they are loaning me money to buy a car so I can go to college this semester. However, I am starving emotionally. I can't even get close to other people because I'm afraid that somehow this whole awful situation will come spilling out and scare them away. I don't have many friends.
Furthermore, my dad is an alcoholic. Yes, he has a steady job, and he is not physically abusive (most of the time), but he drinks way too much, every single day. When I look at him all I see is that he must have some very deep pain for him to treat me like he does and to drink like he does. I try to recognize this, but at the same time, I want him to stop hurting me like he is!
I have been wanting to post about this for weeks and weeks. And every time I go to post, I get scared and think, no one wants to hear this, it's too depressing, or, this isn't a big deal, stop playing the victim.
I am just so sick of being called an *******, nasty, ungrateful child, that I'm going nowhere, and having this expectation that I can be perfect hanging over my head at all times.
I can't even begin to fathom what this has done to your self-esteem. The hubby and I currently live with his parents and while they do tend to grate on my very last nerve, I can't even imagine if they treated me like that. I wish I knew what to say that could be a perfect cure. Just know that you are welcome to vent here any time you need to and I know that you know that everyone here will embrace you as hard as we can!
Christine, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I don't have much advice to offer you, but I will say that he is totally wrong for treating you this way. My dad was an alcoholic too and was very verbally abusive to my mom, my brother, and myself. It wasn't until he went to rehab that things got better. He also made me feel like I couldn't do anything right, but you know what? It wasn't my problem, it was his. If he doesn't want to get help then that's his deal, but I think you definitley need to continue your counseling for you. You need validation in the fact that it's not you that's causing his problems, it's him. Stay strong and quit trying to please him. Focus on you and only you.
My wrist is screwed up, so I'm going to keep this as short as possible, but we have somewhat similar situations.
Your family has itself in a dynamic in which everything is made to be your fault. This dynamic has probably existed since you were a child (well before any drug/alcohol problems you may have had), and has merely been reinforced by things since then. It is EXTREMELY HARD to change an existing family dynamic. What it takes is an absolute commitment from you to not fall into that role anymore.
What does it mean to not fall into that role? First, it means not getting into trouble...adds more fuel to the fire, and you don't want to be messing with drugs/alcohol anyway if you can help it. Two, it means not playing into the dysfunction of the family. That means defending yourself, calmly and without getting upset. It is a skill you have to practice, but once you have, it can make a huge difference after a while. Some samples of what I'm talking about.
Your Dad: You're not doing X well enough. You should get better.
You: I'm sorry you feel I'm not doing X acceptably. I have tried doing Y and Z to improve the situation. Is there anything else you think I should be doing?
Your Dad: Well if you hadn't had X problems 5 years ago, this wouldn't be an issue now.
You: I can't change things that have happened in the past. Is there anything I can be doing now that would make the situation better?
Your Dad: If you hadn't done X, (some other situation completely unrelated to you, like him fighting with your mom) wouldn't be happening.
You: Dad, I don't have control over that situation, so nothing I do will be able to fix it. (the word I use is actually "own", as in "I can't own your relationship with mom")
The key is to do it CALMLY, and without yelling. If the other person yells, go like you're talking to a toddler (really!)...take your voice down really low so they have to quiet down to hear you. The point of this is to take on what is rightfully yours (ie, what you can possibly do to fix the situations your dad is upset about...see example one) while rejecting the things that you either can't change or have no influence on.
The dynamic in your family (it's just like mine!) is to put EVERYTHING on you. Doing as above ensures you take on only what is actually yours. Doing this consistently, over time, will probably help shift the dynamic somewhat. Even if it doesn't, it'll help YOU realize which things you "own" and which are being unfairly put in you by the family dynamic.
Treating your anxiety and depression symptoms will help, even if the underlying causes aren't helped. It is hard, for example, to have reasonable discussions when you burst into tears every time you get emotional (which is one of the things that happens to me when I get depressed). Better to control the symptoms so you can better handle working on the problems, you know? If you're too anxious to have these conversations with your father, things won't get better...and then you'll just continue being anxious.
to you. It takes work to improve the dynamic, and TONS of time. Long road. BUT it is worth it.
THANK YOU JamieY, LondonJulz, and mandalinn for the hugs and support. Sometimes it helps just to have someone listen!
mandalinn, you really hit the nail on the head with your post.... esp. the scenarios, because it is stuff like that that goes on all the time. I think I can definitely integrate your suggestions into my life. It seems to hard to break that cycle, when I am criticized I just immediately feel, I'm not good enough, I can't do anything right, and I cry or get defensive or say something smart-alecky. For some reason it is SO HARD for me to remove myself emotionally from the situation.
The problem with talking to my dad is that when he says something critical, he expects me to just immediately agree with it and apologize. If I do anything other than that it just ends up in more yelling and screaming. He will literally say to me, "This is what you should say: 'I'm sorry Dad, you have done so much for me over the past 3 years and I have done nothing to improve myself. You're right." I feel like a young child when I am treated that way.
It also feels unfair that I should be the one to have to work so hard at making this better... when I do not feel that I am the only one responsible for the situation... I know that is the wrong way to look at it, but that is how I feel!
I'm sorry to just be dumping this all out there... it just feels so much better to get out of my own head...
The great thing is, using the phrasing in the scenarios will either a) give you real ideas what your dad wants from you or b) make you realize that he's just complaining to complain, and that there isn't anything you can do, which is a HUGE self-esteem booster and very protective against constantly being told you're a failure.
The example I had in my head when writing the scenarios had to do with finding a job.
Your dad: Why don't you have a job yet? You're a big failure, etc. etc
You: So far this week, I've updated my resume, applied to 5 spots, and been called back for two interviews. Is there anything else you think I should be doing to find a job?
Your dad: Either something constructive, like "yes, call Mr. A at the XYZ company, he said they had an opening", or something non-constructive, like "You just need to find something" (and when you hear that non-constructive stuff, it is easier to pick out the unfairness, because you'll KNOW you gave him the opportunity to tell you how to improve and he had no suggestions).
If he asks you to apologize, I'd still try to turn it around to him for suggestions. So:
Your dad: This is what you should say: 'I'm sorry Dad, you have done so much for me over the past 3 years and I have done nothing to improve myself. You're right."
You: Dad, I don't want to just apologize. I really want to improve this situation and make sure I'm doing everything I can to better myself so we don't have this fight in the future. Can you give me some suggestions on what you'd like me to do?"
And again, either he offers something constructive, which you can then take to heart and decide whether to do (and if you do it, the next time you have the same fight you can say "Dad, since we talked last time I've done X and Y to improve the situation. Is there anything else you think I should try?"), or he doesn't, in which case you are buffered from the emotion and devastation of being told you're failing without anything constructive behind it.
Of course you're not the only one responsible for the situation, BUT you are the only one who does not benefit from the situation being in place. Your parents, by making you the focus of blame, shift any and all responsibility for any of their problems away from themselves and onto you. They benefit from this, because they get to deny responsibility. So, unfortunately, they won't change it unless you force them. And yes, it is VERY hard to remove yourself emotionally from the conversation. The first couple times, you'll probably get a few minutes in and start screaming anyway (it's a process). But as long as you're working toward making it better, it's an improvement over now, right?
So much for salvaging the wrist, eh?
Last edited by mandalinn82; 01-16-2008 at 05:47 PM.
Mandalinn, I want to thank you for taking the time even with your hurt wrist to respond to me. It really means a lot to me, and now I have something in black & white that I can refer to whenever I need to.
You are spot on with your ideas. I think I can do a lot to improve the situation, and hopefully my parents will realize that I am making an effort and that in turn will lower the tension level in the house.
I think you and i have the same parents. but i have never been arrested or done drugs but i have wrecked 3 cars all my fault. (not due to drinking) And my dad isnt an alcoholic. and its i do hear you whenever u did something u apologize, now i just feel like sorry isnt good enuff. N i have gotten the verbal abuse saying that im not going to amt to anything, always made comments about my weight n my looks ever since like i was preteen. he is still convinced my x fiance left because of my weight. (but it wasnt the reason) once he told me i should find a guy with 2 arms, 2 legs, and a brain cuz i shouldnt be picky cuz of the way i look. there was a time when i went to my grandmas house n her friends was staying with them and i walked in the room she keep telling me how beautiful i was and i was becoming a beautiful woman and was saying that the guys must be lined up to take me out. n my dad was laughing sooo hard that he had to leave the room and was asking her if she was blind.( i was prolly like 140 at the time) i have no self confidence in myself what so ever. my friends thinks i should leave but there family n nothing will chnge. be4 i had lost 85lbs do u think i got im proud of u from him? nope negative. its like nothing i do is good enuff. its like i try soo hard to things right and then something bad goes wrong and its back to square 1. thats y ive gained so much weight cuz it comforting 4 like a min but lasts a life time lol and im not blaming any1 for my weight cuz i did put the food in my mouth. So i feel ur pain. im sure ur not the only one.
ChrissyM'dear,
Mandalinn has totally outshone anything I could ever say advice-wise, so I won't try.
I do want to say that you absolutely have our support, and don't ever feel like you can't come and rant to us. The types of things you have to go through on a daily basis have a major impact on all aspects of your life, and the women here are fabulous for more than just weight-loss support-- and it sounds like you haven't got much of that at home.
*HUGHUG* Anytime you need to chat, just throw down a post... or grab my MSN if you've got it?
Christine ~ Wow, are we sisters? I feel everything you are feeling. I really don't wanna get into it, but my stepfather is basically your dad. And Mama wonders why I ended up on the 5th floor.
Hypercritical Parents (Warning: Rant)
