relationship blues, misery loves company, and a new name
Hey girls,
First off, I made myself a new name, because the subject matter of my posts has gotten very personal and I'm pretty sure my boyfriend knows my screen name and has read my posts in the past (I never thought I would mind if he did). So...um...I don't want to write my old name because that might defeat the purpose, but my avatar and stats are the same as always, so i hope you all know who I am! How about this -- my old name ended in "ette"? Oh man I feel so sketchy right now!
Anyway, to the point, I just posted in the weekly chat, but I thought I'd post a new thread in hopes of hearing anyone's bad but sticky relationship stories. I'm currently very close to pulling myself out of my unsatisfactory relationship, but can't seem to get myself to actually do it. Too scared. We've been together for a long time, 2 years, and for the past year at least, I've stayed because I thought it'd get better. How long can I wait?? And meanwhile, two of my best friends are wearing engagement rings, another one just tied the knot and is now pregnant (YIKES!), and I'm with a man I cannot imagine marrying. I feel very ashamed that I know what I need to do, yet I am too scared to go through with it. MissChris was kind enough to respond with her own story of slow relationship exit, and it makes me feel better to know I'm not alone, so...anyone?? Please? I mean, you could make something up if you want, or even re-invent a movie plot, I'm just thirsty for co-miseration!
If you've gotten this far in the post, thank you!
I almost just signed my name. Not used to anonymity.
--S
Wow...
I believe you should def. find a way out if you are that unhappy and you know it will not get anywhere. Do you have family you can turn to to help you through it? Close friends?
Hello again,
Although I responded in the other thread I have been thinking of your situation while I was out walking, and also about my own situation that ended 11 months ago. I know for me, the MAJOR catching point that made me really reluctant to break things off with him was that I was truly afraid that no one else would want me. It sounds horrible to say it, but that's what it boils down to. The bf and I had a very deep emotional connection as well as a lot of physical chemistry. I was very self-conscious of my body (still am) and when he told me he liked my extra pounds, I was ecstatic. I wondered if anyone else would ever find me attractive, or if I would ever have that kind of emotional attachment to someone again. I lived at his house when I got kicked out of my own, I moved into my first apartment and he was always there, endured 8 days in a psychiatric ward of a hospital, and a 3-week stint in a drug/alcohol rehab center, all with him by my side. When I got out of rehab, I realized that he was abusing prescription anxiety medications (the same ones I had problems with) and was out drinking with his friends every night. I just couldn't do it anymore. Still, I waited a month, or maybe more, before finally breaking up with him. I had to convince myself that I DESERVE BETTER! Even though I don't think he was an evil person, he just wasn't right for me at that point in my life, and still wouldn't be now. From what I see/hear of him nowadays he is drinking more than ever, his bipolar disorder just getting worse and worse by the day, because he refuses to take his meds. I still think about him at times and even cry about it once in a while, because I truly loved him. I just couldn't watch him self-destruct while I tried to get my life back together.
Sorry if this is long, and convoluted. I really haven't had the chance to share this with anyone, and I don't know if it will help you at all, but it does feel good to get it kind of in the open.
I recently changed my username to because someone was tracking me on here and said something I know they could have not known otherwise.
Anywho, breaking up is never easy and the longer you wait, the harder it gets. Just muster up the courage to do it! If you start to have feelings that you'd be happier without someone, just cultivating those thoughts signifies you aren't happy with them.
If you need some tips about how to break up with him with minimizing the pain for you and him here are some ideas:
1. Do it in person, not by phone, email, IM.
2. Choose the right place, not too public, unless you're afraid of his reaction, somewhere closer to his place and further away from yours is better.
3. Be honest and sensitive, be prepared to talk at least 30-45 mins. because the why's are going to come from his end. Also keep your emotions at bay, meaning don't cry, scream, yell, act excited, etc. Also, be ready to discuss where you went wrong, because relationships aren't one sided and ending them is never completely one persons fault (well there are exceptions, like cheating, etc.) so be ready to discuss these things as well.
4. My most important, yet sort of manipulative, but useful tactic, ask him first, sort of turn the tables. Ask him where he thinks things are going, does he believe you two will be better off as friends? , etc. To your surprise, he may feel the same way and may be just as apprehensive as you are about ending it and that way what started as you dumping him could turnout as a mature and mutual decision to end the relationship.
I'll leave you with an excerpt from Dr. Iyanla Vanzant's Daily Meditations:
"Most of us know exactly waht it is that creates the pain, confusion, stagnation and disruption in our lives. Whether it is a habit, behavior, relationship or fear, we know. We are the only ones responsible for what goes on in our lives. When we find something or someone creating in our lives that which we do not want, we must muster the courage and strength to stop it."
I agree with OptimistK... but you asked for stories... and I have a winner
My (now) Ex and I were together for 5 years... we started dating my senior year of HS and I ended it during my last semester of college. During this time, we were engaged for a year and a half. We broke up briefly during my second year of college, mutually seeing that the relationship was done (and it was... I can't imagine the difference in my life now if I'd stuck to that thought then...) obviously, we got back together. it was good for about... 5 minutes (I exaggerate... probably a month or two). Then it started... he called me every day... several times a day. (Bear in mind that I was a full-time college student with 2 jobs). On the weekends, he expected me to be with him. If I made plans with my friends, he would complain that I wasn't spending enough time with him (even if I was with him Saturday and Sunday, but went out with them for a few hours on Friday night...). I stopped being 'allowed' to spend time around my family... I had to make up excuses (work or things for school) just so I could get things done in my life... and still he would call me.
...and then it REALLY happened. I'd been gaining weight steadily through all of this... and apparently, his father had noticed and commented to him about it. So what does he do? He tells me! Not only that, but he tells me not too much weight, because he doesn't want to have to worry that some other guy my try to take me away from him!!!!!!!!! How screwed up is that?? He basically told me that I wasn't good enough for anyone else!!
It took months of therapy and anti-anxiety meds (and I'm sure anyone who's been on them will tell you how much they help your weight) for me to get out of it... he knew I was in therapy, but I was able to brush it off as dealing with my grandmother's recent death. After I broke up with him (which was almost textbook to OptimistK's suggestions - semi-public place, 30-45 minutes, etc) he called me more... stalked me for a month, until at 22, my parents had to intervene when he showed up at my house after I hung up on his incessant pleading and whining one sunday afternoon.
Four years later, I'm just starting to work on the whole dating thing... oh well, I'm better off now.
Whatever you do, make sure it's in your best interests.
thanks, guys.
this is incredibly hard. admitting that i need to do this is incredibly hard.
by the way, we live together. it's been 2 years. this is hard.
thanks again. i think i'm in for a rough couple of months. on the plus side, my stomach is in knots, so this could prove a good diet!
--s
Not sure if this will help...but I have my own tale of misery. :P
I was with my ex-fiance for 6 years (engaged for 2, living together for 5). I was totally financially dependent on him, and for at least the last 3 years of it, we had a lot of problems, and I started to fall out of love. When he proposed, I said "yes" because I didn't want to lose him (not because I wanted to marry him). Eventually I admitted to myself that I wanted out, but I didn't want to drop out of school and I couldn't afford to live on my own. I also thought my family would be heartbroken if I left him. I felt afraid and very alone.
Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore; I was seriously stressed and depressed, to the point that I wasn't sleeping and I was getting physically and mentally ill. When we came back from a Hallowe'en party shortly after our 6th anniversary, I asked him where he thought things were going with us. Turned out that he was miserable, too, and we both thought that the relationship was beyond repair. We broke up. It was really freaking hard.
I was worried about how I would support myself financially, but it turned out that my parents wanted to see me happy and offered to give me an interest-free loan to finish my schooling so I could get into the work force. I swallowed my pride and accepted their help...
Once I was out, though, I realized the magnitude of my unhappiness and how horribly I was being treated. It's really hard to see these things from up close, but from a distance, it seems so obvious that I was unhappy and should have left. I'm such a happy person now; I always thought I was depressed!
My story has a happy ending, too! I ended up falling in love with a wonderful man, and I'm happier than I ever imagined. We're nearing two years together and are happily living together and planning to spend our lives together. We both came from similar relationship backgrounds and are losing what we learned to strengthen our own relationship. I'm glad that both my boyfriend and I took the risk to leave the relationships we were unhappy in, because otherwise we would still be with our exes, living existences that wouldn't have us NEARLY as happy as we are now.
If you're miserable at only two years (and for 50% of the time, at that), it's not going to get any better. I know it's hard -- it's so, so, so hard -- but you deserve to be happy!!!
I'm sorry things arent working out for you and your boyfriend. The main person that you need to focus on in life is your own happiness and the rest will fall into place on its own. I have only really only been in one relationship in my life. We were together for 2 years and it ended when I found out he was cheating on me. The problem that i have with finding relationships is that most guys i know say I'm fun and they like hanging out with me but that they see me like a sister or just a really close friend which is why most of my friends are guys. There is one that I like and want him to check me out the way he checks out the girls that are half my size. It's not easy dating when your bigger...lol...
letsdo -- way to dump a jerk who cheats. forget that. and as for the buddy-syndrome, i have always found myself falling for guys only AFTER having been friends with them for a long time. Maybe one of these guys will come around. Remember that corny song, Save the Best for Last? Takes patience to be last, but then at least you know you can trust the person.
maalise -- your story just made my day. thank you so much for sharing that with me. unfortunately, i know that my boyfriend lives and dies for our relationship (ironically, that is part of the problem. I need him to have his OWN life, outside of OUR life), but I really appreciate hearing that other women have stayed until they physically can't anymore, even if your mind knew in advance. And the happy ending just makes it so much better!!! Thanks again!
I read all of the above posts/responses and they were all what I needed to hear… I too just struggled with a breakup after a long term relationship, and am now struggling to keep it together in the aftermath. I also laughed aloud when I read shrinkinglizzy’s comment about a breakup being a good diet—my breakup started my diet, too! I couldn’t eat for days. Maybe it was the only (immediate) plus side to the whole ordeal…
Anyway, like the others, I wish to share my story because you are NOT alone. I was in a relationship that recently ended and it was devastating for me… not only because I was losing someone I loved, but also because I had put on a good deal of weight and now felt I was unattractive and unfit to reenter the dating world. Things ended basically because we fought a lot and he said he wasn’t ready to continue our relationship for the true “long term” (read: commitment phobic even after a year of dating), and he said he wanted to take a break. But I wasn’t about to put my life on hold for him while he decided whether or not he ACTUALLY wanted to be with me, so I told him we’re breaking up altogether. This was a very difficult choice for me to make on many levels: I loved him, I wanted to be with him, and I felt insecure about not only dating other people, but about the possibility of ending up alone. That scared the heck outta me. But in the end, after much painful deliberation, I made my choice and I’m sticking to it, and my advice for you is this: I know the thought of breaking up and living without them may be hard, but trust me, it’s not as hard as you think. You’re stronger than you know, and it’s the deliberating and insecurity BEFORE the decision is made that is the hardest of all. Things are only gonna get better.
PS, 3 days after we broke up, the guy I’m secretly in love with (who I had a mini-fling with 2 ½ years ago and couldn’t get out of my head since) called me up and basically told me that now that I was single, he was interested. We also talked for 2 hours about philosophy, life, relationships, etc. And he’s seen me since I gained weight: we had a class together last semester. Just when I thought I was totally undesirable and nothing good would ever happen for me again, I was proven wrong.
Ugh...too much of my story to type...but I'm with you here lizzy - been in a relationship almost 6 years...the past year or 2 have been ****. I'm ready to get out ...just not financially able (him or me...and I don't want to leave him high & dry) not to mention we own real estate together (oh joy...it's almost as if we are married...but thankfully we are not!)....in any case...nothing bad about him...no verbal/physical abuse...just not the one that will make my eyes shine and my toes twinkle every time I see him....amazing that it will be 6 years and I'm still thinking it will be another year before I can "afford" to get out...sad, I know...but thus is the state of many in our world. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat some more.
Wow, your stories continue to help me out.
Amanda -- i hear ya on the financial aspect of the stickiness.
Booty -- wow!! another happy ending!! i love it!! Way to have the guts to end it. I'm kind of in the position of your ex, and I think it was probably hard for him to admit that he needed the space, too...and better that he did it now instead of a year or ten from now.
relationship blues, misery loves company, and a new name
