Aside from what futurepixie said, there is still the issue of attaction. Just because someone isn't initially attracted to me at 2l0 lbs, doesn't make them shallow or only interested in looks who won't love me for me. You are attracted to what you're attracted to. Would Ross have pursued me at my former weight? I'm not sure. Would he love me if I got back up to that weight? Absolutely. We are both formerly overweight so he knows what it's all about. There is more at work here than someone being a quality person.

And yes, when you are happy with more aspects of yourself (including appearance), you do carry yourself differently.

I'll give you an example. I have never really had guys hit on me before, even the ones who think I'm easy. Yet when I got back from Africa and made changes in my life, after going out last Saturday all these guys were hitting on me. Even my friends commented on it. The only difference is that now I've made a committment to myself and am happy with myself.

God, the truth in that. If I knew then what I know now.

Amen!! I will second that emotion. :p

sorry just had to say this...i'm sooo jealous u were in Africa!!!
and yeah we should all be confident at whatever weight, but it def helps when you are in the cute clothes and in the lower 100's.ive met a lot of guys in college and they either wanted to sleep with me or just be "friends". We shall see in a year from now when i reach my goal weight and have my surgery to fix a few things what they think then.

I've always had great self-confidence in most areas of my life, though a little self-conscious in the dating aspect. I always hid my feelings for guys until I knew for sure that they were open to the idea (nothing more childish than sending a friend to find out if a guy only "likes" you or really "likes you likes you", but hey it worked for me).

There was a guy I worked with who was really nerdy, but I was attracted to him, and thought I was even being obvious about it. I even asked him out once or twice. Since we were already good friends that hung out together, I thought he would get the hint that asking him to do stuff without the group was rather obvious. So when he didn't get the hint, I just assumed he got the message and it was his way of politely turning me down.

I didn't find out until I was engaged, that he was completely clueless and had been attracted to me all along. Can't say I have any regrets, as anyone that clueless, would have been a pain in the butt to date.

I met my husband through a personal ad I placed. And in the ad I layed it on the line that I was fat and dieting, and wanted to date guys who were ok with that, and that I was ok with guys with weight issues as well. Through the ad I met a lot of weirdos, but probably no more than I did in conventional dating, just a lot more in a shorter period of time. Still, I'd almost given up on the idea of meeting anyone decent through the ad when I met my husband.

I think my husband is afraid (he has joked) that when I am thinner, I will leave him for someone better. He says he doesn't understand why I am with him now, because he is not in my "league." I have more education and had a better job when we met, and it really made him insecure. If I were thin when we met, maybe I wouldn't have given him a chance, but it would have been my loss.

I think that the biggest problem for me isn't weight but much more of a confidence thing. I've never had a "serious" relationship even when I was at my "goal" weight. It would be too simplistic to say that the weight was holding me back now... although in some strange way it is.

Right now I am not in a relationship and I don't think that I want to until I'm on the path of taking care of myself. I see the weight as not just weight but the result of my low self-esteem. It's like I don't think well of myself to actually go to the gym, to eat well, to fix myself up... It's if in some way I don't think that I am good enough to have all of those good things happen to me. I hope that I am making sense.

My goal right now is to take care of myself, physically, emotionally, and financially... I want to lose this weight "right" -- I want to do it out of love for myself. I want to do this because I think that I am worth it -- so everytime I go to an exercise class or pick the veggies side instead of the french fries I see it as nuturing the person I want to be -- the healthy person.

So for me I want to settle this first before I get into a relationship. To me isn't not if I'm a certain weight than I can be in a relationship - but rather I wouldn't want to give whoever I'm in relationship with the person who has no esteem, who is always doubting herself... I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone life that, regardless of their weight, and I don't want to give that to anyone either.

I don't think that I'm being very cohesive in my statements and hope that you guys can understand my point of view.

No, you are completely understandable. And I feel exactly the same way, and it took me until about 5mos ago to come to that realization.

I also think that you make perfect sense. And with an attitude like that you will get to your goal weight and get every other thing you reach for.

The idea of nurturing the person I want to be gives me warm fuzzies. :hug: Well said!

I think learning to feel good about yourself is probably the best thing you can do before getting into a relationship. If you don't like yourself or know who you are, how can you make the best choice of a prospective mate?

I think that's why I waited so long to marry. I used to use my weight as an excuse, but the truth was I went through several stages until the time was right. At first, I didn't know who I was, so I didn't know who I was looking for. Then when I learned and liked more about myself, I decided being alone had some advantages, and was way better than settling for Mr. Wrong, or even Mr. SoSo. And finally, when I was ready, and my actions and a little luck dropped Mr. Right-for-me in my lap, everything turned out the way it was supposed to be all along.

I think if you're paying attention to yourself and your life, you know when the timing is right. Not that it can't surprise you (At 35, I was starting to think I would be the weird spinster cat lady).

I completely understand you, Crescendo. This statement said it all:
It's like you know your weight is part of your unreadiness, but you know here's more to it than just the number on the scale. And it's important to sort through that before sharing your life with someone--no need to invite someone else into a world you're not even sure about.

What great posts, thanks everyone. I'm also wondering whether to put dating on hold for a while. I don't want to, because I don't want to spend more time alone at home...but I do want to, because I'm tired of dates where one or both of us is disappointed. I do internet date, and do post a current photo. But so many of the men's ads ask for "HWP" which is height-weight-proportionate in dating lingo. Or they actually say, "no BBW!" which is big-beautiful-women. It is just hard to know what to do when your outer shell isn't quite what you'd like it to be!