Overweight and Looking for a Mate
 

I'm curious to know what people think about being overweight and looking for a mate? I'm a 28 year old single woman and would like to be in a serious relationship. I've been dating here and there, but I worry that my weight is holding me back from meeting someone that I really want to be with. One the one hand, I really believe that I should be able to meet someone as I am right now. But on the other hand I'm thinking that the quality of my choices will open after I lose some weight. Not necessarily reaching my goal (about 100lbs to lose) but well on my way to it.
For a long time my weight turned into my way of rebelling against what society says is beautiful. So at times it was a source of strength in many ways. Now I'm more concerned about my health, so that's what's really pushing me to lose weight. I've always been active and relatively outgoing, so I meet a lot of people but I'm starting to feel like weight is the main reason why this isn't happening for me.
I'd love to hear what everyone thinks?

Your weight shouldnt hold you back, but to be honest i do think ur options go down dramatically. most guys i meet think that i'm easy and just want to have sex with me and never talk to me again. luckily all the guys that have tried that, i'm either not attracted to or they are just so damn ugly i couldnt bring myself to sleep with him. leaving me a virgin and i'm almost 21. But it doesnt bother me, i've come to the conclusion that i should be treated like a princess and i'm not ganna give that up. i had a long conversation with my best friend last night and we discussed what we want in a man. you have to really think about what you want and not settle. the sad part is u might not find someone until you reach your goal weight. stick to what you want and if u decided the internet way just be really careful. ive met some really great friends (some of the best people ever) because of the internet, but as for a date, its usually bad. Jill is one of the really lucky ones. hope i helped!!!

you know whats really bad of me. if a guy that was my size was trying to date me, i probably wouldnt go out with him. i'm weird. sometimes i forget that i'm as big as i am and everything people say about fat people i say myself. i want the muscular guy with eyes that look right thru you. and i dont know why, but ever since my and my ex broke up all the men ive been attracted to have been in their middle to late 30's. the only good thing is none of them have kids!! my best friend keeps finding guys that are in their 20's and have kids. the only thing i know now is i'm not ganna let food take control of me and i'm ganna find that guy that treats me the way i'm supposed to be treated.

I think that your options go up some when you lose wieght, but I like to think that it is because of the way that you treat yourself. when i am thinner I am choosier, and only go for the good guys that I feel like i deserve- and ny "good" I mean not just good looking. Also, I am more outgoing, confident, and able to gracefully accept compliments- and that is hot no matter what your weight is.

I am with you on the hoping my options open up when I lose the weight. I've had guys approach me but I tend to attract weirdos. I had one guy try to pick me up by telling me he'd just gotten out of juvie and was a B&E expert (breaking and entering). I don't think I have to tell you what a HUGE turn-on that is...haha. Yeah, old black men also really go for me too...like 40-50 year old men-and i'm 21. sooo umm, no.
Basically if they're attracted to me, I'm not attracted to them. So I'm hoping when I lose weight I'll be more confident and that will help me attract the right sort of guy.

When I met my boyfriend, I weighed less then I do now-- and had just come from a major weightloss (about 65 lbs). Now I'm Fatty Mc. Fatterson again and he doesn't really seem to mind.. he says he can't tell..EXCEPT for the way I carry myself.. and I think that has a lot to do with it-- when you feel good, you glow-- and guys are stupid, they're like bugs attracted to bright lights.

I don't see why you shouldn't look for a serious relationship. When it really comes down to, weight shouldn't really matter. I think a lot of it is how you act on a daily basis. I've seen many overweight women get into a serious relationship.

My friend is a great example. Her and I have been friends since we were freshman in high school.

She's always been very out going, and never really cared what others thought of her. She had her fair share of dates/boyfriends, and is now engaged to be married to a wonderful guy.

I, on the other hand, am completely opposite of her. Absolutely no confidence. I've always cared what every single person has thought of me. My lack of confidence seriously shows. I dress dumpy in hopes of hiding, I walk with my head down, etc.

And what have I had? Two extremely short term relationships with jerks.

Boy #1: "Okay" with my weight, but a drug addict and alcoholic. Knew I was sensitive about my weight and once commented on my weight because of what his friend said. (He said, "Even Andrew thinks you're pretty, but..." *rubs my stomach)

Boy #2: Basically just after sex, while cheating and sleeping around. He had no attraction what-so-ever to me, and even the slightest attention he gave me (which wasn't much), I was happy to have.

I feel like I can't do any better until *I'm* thin, but then I see my friend, and honestly, it's not about weight.

Sure, more might look/whistle/whatever once you lose, but are they really worth it? I really have to put to being yourself and confident.

I don't see why not. I think it's probably easier to find someone when you're thin, but that doesn't mean you can't find someone now, either. :-) Us overweight people date too, you know. ;)

Thanks. I really appreciate everyone's comments.

As much as I wish the world wasn't a horribly unfair place most of the time, it is. And because of this, people who are overweight (especially women) get the short end of the stick when it comes to dating. I could grumble all night about the whys and hows, but the important thing is to remember that no matter if you gain or lose weight, you're still the same person. Losing weight won't solve relationship problems, it won't solve self-esteem problems, and it won't either help or hurt you find love.

Yes, it's true that after losing weight the quality and quantity of available partners will probably improve. But please don't forget that some of the people who will be interested in you then won't give you a single minute of their time now. This happened to me a couple years ago after a pretty sizable weight loss. An acquaintance of mine who would have never seen me in a romantic sense suddenly was interested in me. In the end, I didn't end up dating him because of how dismissive he was of me while I was heavier.

Just remember: when the way you look outside changes, it doesn't change who you are and it certainly doesn't change other people. Look for someone who you're comfortable with and who will love and respect you. Some people find that person when they weigh 100 lbs., some find it when they weigh 300 lbs. Call it fate or luck or chance or whatever you want. Just try and think of your weight in terms of how it effects YOU, not how it effects people around you.

I have said this entirely too much today in lieu of figuring out how to just say it myself, but.... well put.

I am gonna go with yes, because of what I said above: better people will come along when you are better. And yes I know that we are all basically the same on the inside whether or not we are overweight. But, I still maintain that we are better when we are happier with ourselves. Regardless of what the scale says when you find that happiness, people -and not just boyfriends- are drawn to people who aren't afraid to shine. If you aren't afraid to shine at 700 pounds then yay! But we all know that it is a bit easier when we are at healthier weights. That to me is when the better partners come along.

Aside from what futurepixie said, there is still the issue of attaction. Just because someone isn't initially attracted to me at 2l0 lbs, doesn't make them shallow or only interested in looks who won't love me for me. You are attracted to what you're attracted to. Would Ross have pursued me at my former weight? I'm not sure. Would he love me if I got back up to that weight? Absolutely. We are both formerly overweight so he knows what it's all about. There is more at work here than someone being a quality person.

And yes, when you are happy with more aspects of yourself (including appearance), you do carry yourself differently.

I'll give you an example. I have never really had guys hit on me before, even the ones who think I'm easy. Yet when I got back from Africa and made changes in my life, after going out last Saturday all these guys were hitting on me. Even my friends commented on it. The only difference is that now I've made a committment to myself and am happy with myself.

God, the truth in that. If I knew then what I know now.

Amen!! I will second that emotion. :p

sorry just had to say this...i'm sooo jealous u were in Africa!!!
and yeah we should all be confident at whatever weight, but it def helps when you are in the cute clothes and in the lower 100's.ive met a lot of guys in college and they either wanted to sleep with me or just be "friends". We shall see in a year from now when i reach my goal weight and have my surgery to fix a few things what they think then.

I've always had great self-confidence in most areas of my life, though a little self-conscious in the dating aspect. I always hid my feelings for guys until I knew for sure that they were open to the idea (nothing more childish than sending a friend to find out if a guy only "likes" you or really "likes you likes you", but hey it worked for me).

There was a guy I worked with who was really nerdy, but I was attracted to him, and thought I was even being obvious about it. I even asked him out once or twice. Since we were already good friends that hung out together, I thought he would get the hint that asking him to do stuff without the group was rather obvious. So when he didn't get the hint, I just assumed he got the message and it was his way of politely turning me down.

I didn't find out until I was engaged, that he was completely clueless and had been attracted to me all along. Can't say I have any regrets, as anyone that clueless, would have been a pain in the butt to date.

I met my husband through a personal ad I placed. And in the ad I layed it on the line that I was fat and dieting, and wanted to date guys who were ok with that, and that I was ok with guys with weight issues as well. Through the ad I met a lot of weirdos, but probably no more than I did in conventional dating, just a lot more in a shorter period of time. Still, I'd almost given up on the idea of meeting anyone decent through the ad when I met my husband.

I think my husband is afraid (he has joked) that when I am thinner, I will leave him for someone better. He says he doesn't understand why I am with him now, because he is not in my "league." I have more education and had a better job when we met, and it really made him insecure. If I were thin when we met, maybe I wouldn't have given him a chance, but it would have been my loss.

I think that the biggest problem for me isn't weight but much more of a confidence thing. I've never had a "serious" relationship even when I was at my "goal" weight. It would be too simplistic to say that the weight was holding me back now... although in some strange way it is.

Right now I am not in a relationship and I don't think that I want to until I'm on the path of taking care of myself. I see the weight as not just weight but the result of my low self-esteem. It's like I don't think well of myself to actually go to the gym, to eat well, to fix myself up... It's if in some way I don't think that I am good enough to have all of those good things happen to me. I hope that I am making sense.

My goal right now is to take care of myself, physically, emotionally, and financially... I want to lose this weight "right" -- I want to do it out of love for myself. I want to do this because I think that I am worth it -- so everytime I go to an exercise class or pick the veggies side instead of the french fries I see it as nuturing the person I want to be -- the healthy person.

So for me I want to settle this first before I get into a relationship. To me isn't not if I'm a certain weight than I can be in a relationship - but rather I wouldn't want to give whoever I'm in relationship with the person who has no esteem, who is always doubting herself... I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone life that, regardless of their weight, and I don't want to give that to anyone either.

I don't think that I'm being very cohesive in my statements and hope that you guys can understand my point of view.

No, you are completely understandable. And I feel exactly the same way, and it took me until about 5mos ago to come to that realization.

I also think that you make perfect sense. And with an attitude like that you will get to your goal weight and get every other thing you reach for.

The idea of nurturing the person I want to be gives me warm fuzzies. :hug: Well said!

I think learning to feel good about yourself is probably the best thing you can do before getting into a relationship. If you don't like yourself or know who you are, how can you make the best choice of a prospective mate?

I think that's why I waited so long to marry. I used to use my weight as an excuse, but the truth was I went through several stages until the time was right. At first, I didn't know who I was, so I didn't know who I was looking for. Then when I learned and liked more about myself, I decided being alone had some advantages, and was way better than settling for Mr. Wrong, or even Mr. SoSo. And finally, when I was ready, and my actions and a little luck dropped Mr. Right-for-me in my lap, everything turned out the way it was supposed to be all along.

I think if you're paying attention to yourself and your life, you know when the timing is right. Not that it can't surprise you (At 35, I was starting to think I would be the weird spinster cat lady).

I completely understand you, Crescendo. This statement said it all:
It's like you know your weight is part of your unreadiness, but you know here's more to it than just the number on the scale. And it's important to sort through that before sharing your life with someone--no need to invite someone else into a world you're not even sure about.

What great posts, thanks everyone. I'm also wondering whether to put dating on hold for a while. I don't want to, because I don't want to spend more time alone at home...but I do want to, because I'm tired of dates where one or both of us is disappointed. I do internet date, and do post a current photo. But so many of the men's ads ask for "HWP" which is height-weight-proportionate in dating lingo. Or they actually say, "no BBW!" which is big-beautiful-women. It is just hard to know what to do when your outer shell isn't quite what you'd like it to be!