[Bikini Dreader]

Hi Everyone,

I live with two roomates in a 3 bedroom and I just got an email from one of them about buying toilet paper. Details are pretty unimportant but my question is regarding how to communicate with passive aggressive people. I really do not understand this behaviour because I am a very direct and honest person. I am sure the issue lies with the fact that we are so different but I really get upset at the way things are dealt with, etc.

I just thought I would ask you guys whether you are passive aggressive or upfront like me, I'd like opinions on what to do. I'm not saying my way is better, just the way it is so what do I do?

Thanks for the insight!

[bida]

I am so passive agressive sometimes - they are just afraid to confront you - and an easy way to do it is via email - because they think that will start less of a fight than a confrontation. What you should do is (like my room mate did to me) is say - ok - no prob or answer what the problem is and say - if you have any other problems feel free to talk to me in person.

like my problem is whenever I see my room mate - I never wanna bring up the problems because I wanna get along with him at that moment. make sense?

[Bikini Dreader]

Thanks for the insight Bida.. i responded very nicely but also mentioned that I would prefer to discuss these things in person (especially since we see eachother on a daily basis) and that I would be happy to talk about any other issues as well.
The response I got was "I emailed you because we are down to one roll now, not because it is an 'issue'".
It's so obvious to me that they are just scared to say something but that really bothers me. It makes me feel like they agree that they don't like my personality. It has been an ongoing battle for me with them - our personalities make for a very difficult living arrangement. I've tried a few different methods. Its just a struggle to find out what they are upset about and that makes it hard.
I actually started bingeing after I moved in with them. I think something about the two of them being so similar and me feeling like they both agree that they dont like my personality makes me question myself. I have other friends that I am close with and don't spend much time with them which helps me to realize that I do have people that care about me but I think this situation has taken a little bit out of me. It's definitely a lot better than it used to be which is I'm sure why I've been able to end the bingeing. Why punish myself for something I have no control over?
If anyone else has suggestions I'd love to hear it.

[kaplods]

I think passive aggression, assertiveness, and aggression all occur on a spectrum. They're styles of communication that all of use to some degree in different situations, and some people are more attached to one end of the spectrum than others, and some people are more consistently have one style, and others use more varied styles depending on the situation. We all can learn to communicate better, but sometimes expecting or demanding others to use our style because it is "the right one," isn't realistic or helpful.


I'm not saying you're necessarily overeacting, but if they're very uncomfortable with confrontation, what is wrong with letting them communicate by email. It would give them a chance to think about what they want to say without being afraid of your reaction or not being able to communicate effectively. Rather than asking them to use your direct style, why not invite them to communicate with you by email if it makes them more comfortable.

Even my husband and I occasionally communicate by email at times, when outsiders might think "face to face" would be more appropriate. I don't know that either of us is particularly passive aggressive, but sometimes we find that a subject becomes such a "sore spot," that writing calmly and taking time to choose our words carefully makes conversations more productive and less emotionally charged. We also don't have to deal with facial expression of annoyance or pain or anger or frustration on the other person's face, wich usually only ends up heating up the argument further or distracting us from the issue.

Just a suggestion

[bida]

hrm - sounds more passive aggressive than me - says the one who texted said room mate to vent and wrote something along the lines of you didn't freaking consult with me before giving a key to the apt to your girlfriend (needless to say I don't think she has one anymore....).

I understand not being able to connect though - I live with my room mate - but we aren't really buddies - and since we moved in (he was single when we decided to live together) (as was I) he got this girlfriend - and they are inseparable - and it bugs me - cause I dealt with that in college - and I didn't wanna deal with living with an extra person again - but its not so bad - cause they do spend a lot of time at her place - so I get my own place a lot - BUT - it is still annoying - esp when I am easily annoyed by her - which is why I prob find it easier to text/email. also - I think i can communicate easier by written word as colleen says - less dramatic

I have tried to connect with them - but usually its like if they are watching tv in the living room - i go to my room and do stuff - or vice versa - only occasionally do we share common space together - its funny really.

but what is nice is he also works M-F most of the time all day - so I also (Since student) have the place to myself most of the time - so I don't really want to complain. it has its benefits and its drawbacks - at the end of the day you have to say - is getting an email about the toilette paper really that big of a deal - or do I like living here more? I find complaining to my friends about her and the mess he leaves in the kitchen sometimes more fun.

or venting here!

so anyway - I have no solution - do you want to be their friend or not? and does it matter?

[Bikini Dreader]

Thanks for the words of advice everyone. I had the worst day yesterday at work and other stuff so I think it was just too much at once.

At the end of the day, we are just really different. I used to be best friends with one of the girls and living together (especially with this other girl) has put a huge strain on our relationship. It's sad but I'm ready to let her go at this point and I think that's the hardest part. I was never friends with the other one. We just live together. Anyway, I didnt respond to their emails although they both sent some pretty nasty stuff my way. that's the problem. I understand sometimes people are more civil not in person, but that is not the case with them. It is quite nasty on email and nothing ever gets resolved when it is brought up through email. Not in our case anyway, just gets nastier and nastier. Anyway, I didnt respond and I'm only living with them for another 3 months. It's been a hard year and I've known for a while it wasn't going to get easier.

Thanks again for the insight though, I definitely understand that nobody is right. I just wish we could communicate a little better but with different personalities it's tough.

Have a good day!

[kaplods]

One point I misunderstood was the amount of "nastiness" in the emails you referred to. If they are being nasty in the emails (just as if you would be in person) that isn't passive aggression, it's plain old aggression. It's uncalled for, especially when you're going to read it in a work environment (which in these days, might mean anyone can see it).

I would definitely (even for three months) suggest that everyone agree to use words (verbal or written) that they would use with a boss for a job they want to keep. You don't have to be "sweet," but you can say anything you want to say in a civil tone, and you can remind them of the same.