Well, this may not be a popular post, but this is what I believe. Of course there is much more to love that appearance and physical attraction. Of course if you love someone you would never want to hurt their feelings about their appearance. When I was married - of course my wife said she loved me for me and my weight did not bother her.

We have to be honest with ourselves. All of us can look in a mirror. What is more aesthetically pleasing? A fit healthy body or one that is obese? There is no doubt that you can look better at any weight if you work on your apperance. I don't say that to be cruel - but for me, I am not going to kid myself. 99 our of 100 people if they would be honest with you and all other things being equal would find a fit person more desireable than on obese one.

Charles I agree with you. But I'm also glad that my husband doesn't say hurtful things to me. That he loves me as I am, just as I love him as he is. I WANT to be thin, because I think that it would be nice to give him a more attractive me to be with. But I don't think I would want to do that if he were being cruel and hateful and making me feel unloved, unattractive and undesirable.

When men make their wives (or women make their men) feel like their appearance is more important than the wonderful person inside, then they reveal how shallow and ugly their own soul is. They make themselves harder to love. And it doesn't make the mate want to lose the weight, in fact the opposite is often true. It becomes such a painful situation that you wind up seeking comfort food.

I truly believe my husband means what he says. I also think that he would find me more attractive at a thinner size. I don't think that he will stop loving me or even really care if I can't get there though, and that means the world to me.

I think you said what I meant to say a lot better.

"99 our of 100 people if they would be honest with you and all other things being equal would find a fit person more desireable than on obese one."

Hmm... well, I guess I'm unusual. I tend to pick up guys that are like myself, whether that includes weight or not. My hunny could lose about 40 lbs (not that I care, but to be within the accepted "normal" height/weight ratio, he'd have to lose about 40), but I was attracted to his eyes and sense of humor. I've had my share of varying weights from obese to walking skeleton in my past, but it was always about the personality, intelligence and interests.

At the same time, my one friend who was easily reaching 500 wanted to start a relationship with me, but I wouldn't. I still say the biggest underlying factor was that we didn't have anything in common except computers... but he took it as one more rejection due to his weight. That always made me feel bad, but what am I going to do? It would hurt more down the road if I let him fall in love with me and I didn't feel the same, and then ended up dumping him. So, we're still friends via email (I moved 300 miles away anyway), and he has a girlfriend now, so I'm happy for him. But still... even in our emails, we don't really have much to say, because we just don't have much in common!

Hi Glory87,

My husband had the same question as you when we were first learning about Natural Family Planning.

Couples using NFP generally need to abstain between 5-8 days during the fertile time of the woman's cycle and between 3-5 days during the menstrual period. Of course, there will be variations since every woman's cycle is different and each cycle can be different even within the same woman. The great thing about the ovulation methods (we use the creighton method) is that they can accurately detect the time of fertility and ovulation even when cycles differ, are different from the norm, or when stress or some other factor might affect the cycle.

Studies show that couples practicing NFP have either the same amount or more sex than other couples. The difference is in the timing. Couples practicing NFP use the infertile times. During the times of abstinence, couples work on other ways of connecting within their relationship - trying to connect with each other spiritually, physicially (lots of cuddling!!!! ), intellectually, creative/communicatively, and emotionally. (S.P.I.C.E.) When the time of abstinence is over, it's like a "honeymoon effect" making relations very satisfying and wonderful. NFP is about nurturing your relationship, working within nature rather than against it (yay! No side effects, no pills, nothing between us), and family planning all rolled into one. It leads to very high marital satisfaction as evidenced by the extremely low divorce rates among couples who practice NFP. While the national divorce rate is currently around 50%, couples who practice NFP have a divorce rate of between 2-5% according to a study by California State University. Other studies place the divorce rate of NFP couples between 0.2% and 0.6%. Regardless of the figure you use, it says something very strong about marital satisfaction. I know my husband and I gladly vouch for it. Good luck. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm happy to spread such a marriage enhancer.

Jeanne

Thanks for the info, definitely not for me

Oh Linda,
Thank you for that post! I am so glad that you and your DH are in a good place right now, and I hope it just keeps getting better. Marriage is a long road with so many learning experiences. Being careful with the small utterances in our frustration is something I struggle with. I am sorry this hurt you like it did, and am glad you have been able to find some happiness despite.

Sheila Thank you!


Linda

I agree with Charles78 wholeheartedly - my husband doesn't love me any less because I'm heavier than when we met, but when I look at myself in a mirror, I realize I'm not as pleasing to look at as I used to be (and to be honest, neither is my husband)!!! He is younger than me but you'd never know it. He doesn't have a weight problem, but he's no hottie either.

I know personally that I have become much happier with myself since I have lost some of the weight and I think that being happier with yourself reflects on your partner as well. You are much easier to be around if you feel good about yourself than if you are down and moody.

Also, the longer you are with your partner, the more "comfortable" you become and how you look becomes sort of second nature, compared to when you first met. So, making yourself look more pleasing can't only help the way you feel about yourself, but your partner as well.

DNR

Well, reading everything down this discussion brings up some of my own thoughts of being the skinnier spouse. Back when I was married, I'd lost 75 lbs to get down to a healthy weight for my wedding, and kept it off for the 5 years we were married. In this time, my husband started packing on the weight, and it did bother me. Not from a "ew gross" point of view, but more from a withdrawal point of view. I feel like I started withdrawing, not only due to other "stuff" where the relationship just wasn't working, but because he was 12 years older than me, and his father had recently died at 62. This was not due to his weight - it was due to cancer.

But the fact of the matter was... I was afraid and already preparing for him to leave me a widow already! Not only with the age difference, but with his increasingly bad food habits, the fact that I couldn't really do things WITH him, (the one time I took him hiking with me down to the lake and back, I thought he was going to have a heart attack), etc. It just made me feel very old, and gave me a lot of worry and concern about things that I didn't feel like I should have to worry about yet at 26 years old.

My current boyfriend is 3 years younger than me, but like I've said in some past posts, has some weight issues. I talked to him about it when I first started my weight-loss this time around, fully intending to put my feelings up front, and then letting it drop. Because if it turned out like my husband, it would have the exact OPPOSITE effect. When I talked to my husband about changing some of his eating/exercising habits, he would pack the snacks I suggested replacing his cookies and chips with IN ADDITION to the cookies and chips.

In any case, I told my boyfriend that what bothered me about my husband more than anything else was the prospect of being left alone... and not having someone I could share activities and LIFE with. I told my bf that while his weight didn't bother me, it bothers me that his father was recently diagnosed with diabetes. It bothers me that he eats so many fries and cookies, and even though he's only 27, it's going to catch up with him, and it's artery-clogging stuff. I think I put it in a little more sensitive terms than that, and offered some solutions as opposed to just nits.

While he still has his french-fries once a week or so, the rest of the time, he won't have them, has a baked potato, or a salad instead. On the cookie front, he's started eating fruit and some of my fat-free low-cal snacks instead. We've started making "dates" on the weekend to do some power-mall-walking or go bowling or do something physical. He usually does the shopping, and I asked him to be "diet sensitive" when getting stuff (for me), so I make shopping lists for him, ask him to look at the calorie/fat/sugar-carb contents, etc., and he's started doing that for his own food. (He's eating whole-grain everything now, too). He's also starting to drink my flavored waters more frequently too.

I stuck by my initial concept of "lay it out there" and don't nag, but he's really embraced it, and I think he also worries about the diabetes stuff, his dad, and my weight as well as his own (even if it doesn't mean he loves me any less if I'm heavier). In any case, he's lost about 10 lbs since Christmas too, even though I'm busting my butt in the gym 3 times a week and he isn't... But even though I've always loved cuddling with him like a big squishy teddy bear, it's pretty neat seeing his waistline slimming down, and hearing him complain that his pants are too big. It gives me some encouragement to keep going too. (Although I haven't been to the gym since Saturday because I'm sick. )

--Janis

i know how you most of you feel hun i feel like that tooall the time ,im 23 and me and my husband has been married for a lil over 2 yrs and last yrs i weighed 256lbs and my husband didnt tell me anything he said if your happy im happy. i wasnt happy so i wanted to lose wieght and so i did i lost 60lbs and then my husband went to other women. and now i stay home which makes things worse and most days i eat my depression away....into tears. i know its wrong and i feel quilty but in some way i think its going to make my hurt go away